[frangipanis]

My ex left before for the US last November to spend a few months with a female friend of his in California, and it wasn't clear at the time if he would ever return to Australia permanently. As it turns out, he has been staying with a friend of his in another part of Australia for a couple of months and is now planning to return to live around 10 minutes away from me and the children. I'm not sure when this will happen - possibly in a few weeks, I'm guessing. The problem being that he doesn't consult with me on anything, so I have no idea what his plans are.

Regardless of having received $65K through a workers compensation claim last year and having made three overseas trips, he has not paid any child support since shortly after we separated around two and a half years ago, and it is unlikely I will ever receive any direct financial support from him again. In fact, because I allowed my daughter to spend time with him in an unequal shared care situation ~ that out of good will I (naively) declared to be 50% shared care since I didn't know there would be financial ramifications at the time, he was legally entitled to around $5,000 from me at the end of the financial year, which I am now paying back to the tax office.

He has been emotionally unstable throughout the past two years (diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder) and did just about everything he could to destablise my financial and emotional situation from the time we separated in early 2006, through to settlement at the end of March this year. Because of the way he has acted, I could not realistically ever trust him again. My friends and family (including our family doctor) have lost all respect for him.

I had not previously denied him access to our children, having believed they were emotionally better off continuing to see him. I'm not so sure now, and am wondering how to manage his return in our lives. I'm wondering if I can legally limit the amount of time he sees our daughter, for instance, since I don't believe it's in her best interests for him to have such a strong influence in her life ~ even though she is basically safe and feels secure when she is with him. Although I know she loves her father, everyone can see that she has developed a more positive attitude over the past few months, which I'm keen to see continue.

He was a good father and provider for many years, which is why I was so disappointed and shocked by his behaviour since the break down of our marriage. I would like to trust him again and cooperate in the care of our children. I just don't think it's a realistic expectation anymore. At the same time, I don't want to cut off all contact between him and my daughter, as I know it would be too upsetting for her and she does benefit from spending time with him.

Any thoughts on this situation? Helpful and constructive feedback would be appreciated.

[450donn]

First, using children as pawns in your ongoing battles with the X is a manor NONO! As far as the back child support, I am not sure what the laws in Australia are, but generally speaking in the USA they are called dead beat dads and can be jailed for non payment. Check with your lawyer to see if the laws are similar in your country.

[frangipanis]

I absolutely do not want my daughter to be unnecessarily involved in a power struggle. This is why I previously agreed to shared care arrangements, as I knew she wanted to be with her father whose company she enjoys. He isn't working, and in spite of everything else, he takes the time to listen to her in small ways (which makes her feel good) and she appreciates who he is.

My main concern is that her father has a distorted view of me (totally irrational) that impacts negatively on my relationship with her, and whether I can afford for her to stay with her father too often, as I would end up paying child support to him.

As for my ex not paying child support, as unbelievable as it sounds (and I have checked it out), it's all within the law as he is on a disability pension, while the income he received in workers compensation (plus cashing in his superannuation and receiving a settlement payout) is protected under those laws. He has actually earned more than I have since our separation.

I try not to dwell on the ineptness of our legal system too much, as it is too frustrating to deal with. One day I might write a very long letter to my local representative ~ just not today, when I have better things to do. Besides, I feel good about myself that I managed to secure the family home without his support.