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Cornfuzed · May 10, 2008, 06:40 AM

I will be 39 this year. I have been married to unfaithful souse for nearly 20 years. She has had three affairs that I know of and being from a broken family myself I chose to forgive for my daughters sake (shes 18 now and is aware of my wife's infidelity). Problem is I can't forget. I have become emotionally detached and just all around unhappy. I love her still, but any real passion was quenched long ago. Now enter my childhood friend that I always loved, was close to and wanted to date, but was afraid to.I moved in 3rd grade , but she lived near my grandparents.Out of the blue I get a call for a class reunion from her.(Elementary school that is) and its like we had never been apart. We had seen each other once or twice from the time I was 9 to I was 18, I kissed her goodbye to College and I went into the Military, never to see her again. I find her newly married, me with a spouse with 2 of the known acts under her belt and me just thrilled to hear her voice. I was good never made any advances, but she asks why I never dated her, she thought I wasn't interested! So now Im beside myself, I explain I thought I was out of my league with her and didn't pick up on any cues, Im shy and she's aloof... LOL! So here we are 10 years from that first call for a reunion , she unhappy with a husband out of work for nearly 2 years and me with a cheating verbally abusive spouse. I came completely clean with her that I am in love with her and have always been attracted to her even before I knew what "love" or sexual attraction was. I can't explain the attraction , its like past life or something, but her feelings are mutual. We both agree that if we get involved it should be after a divorce to our current spouses. I mean the emotional affair is in swing , but no hanky panky. Ive only given her peck kisses, but I get so weak kneed around her(always have) its not funny and I just can't imagine my life without her in it anymore.
There is the history... Am I doing the wrong thing even pursuing this? I dont/wont start a relationship on sex, got me where Im at now... lol. The more I talk spend time, the more I feel that if I had only told her 18 years ago how I felt I would have this beautiful, caring intelligent and RESPECTABLE woman as my friend,lover , wife and mother of my child(ren).

Bluerose · May 10, 2008, 10:52 AM

Cornfuzed,

To begin with, there is no point in looking back or living in the past. If this is what you both want, and if it is to work, you have to take stock of the whole situation from where you both are now.

Make sure it is what you both want and go for it. Why not?

jkh · May 12, 2008, 10:11 PM

Take it slow, I don't want to be a downer, but have you ever heard of a rebound? I'm not saying that's what this is, but something very much like it. I would get the divorce and find yourself first. Keep up the contact but become an individual again before you become a couple again. You deserve to be happy and to be in a happy, healthy relationship. I wish you the best! Most importantly be happy!

NowWhat · May 13, 2008, 06:13 AM

As other posters have said - don't live your life looking back. If you weren't with your wife - would you have your daughter? That has to be worth something, right?

If you are unhappy with your marriage and see no real future - then you need to end it. Not because of this new person - but because that is what you need to do to move forward.
Plus, your friend is still married. If you act on your feelings - how are you (or the friend) any different from your wife? You know the pain that an affair causes. Why inflict that on anyone else?
When both of you are available - then you should ask the question if you should move forward with her. Not before.

Good Luck.

JBeaucaire · May 13, 2008, 12:29 PM

Is it wrong to pursue an extramarital affair? Yes.

Is it wrong to break up two families and go off on your own? Hmm, yeah, mostly that's wrong.

But I understand your frustration with it all. The fact of her unfaithfulness makes it feel like it might be OK to do these things, right? I just don't think it really does. Not automtically, at least.

Being married is hard. But you promised you would cleave forever, forgiving and forsaking all others. You promised. You did that. In advance. Now that you're being required to make good on your promise, what... "just kidding?"

Anyway, if what you want is permission, that's hard to get around here. We will mostly err on the side of "keep doing the work".

But CAN YOU break up your families, get together and live happily ever after? Oh, well heck, sure. If all you're asking is about your chance at personal happiness, then of course, that could happen. It's just you're way past that. It's not all about that anymore.

It's up to you decide how you prioritize your life and your word and your family and extraneous influences like this woman.

mamibella · Nov 7, 2008, 09:59 PM

I think you should think about what you doing and if your marriage is not working out then you should just end the marriage. As for your friend she is still married and you both need 2 think about what you n her will do! Sometimes when a woman marries and all of sudden they find that guy that they fell in love once and if they are married they make up anything so the other guy feels sorry for her and that goes for guys 2.

toofunny217 · Oct 28, 2011, 12:22 AM

Get divorced and go for it. Neither of you are happy with the current spouses, but you have to make it right. You have a connection only the two of you know. Your children will be fine, they will see that you are happy and you will create a positive and loving environment. Your wife will cheat again, apparently she isn't happy either. It's time you stand up and live your life how you feel it should have been. Good luck!