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anabear2421 · May 9, 2008, 05:39 AM

I just found out a week ago, on Friday night, that my fiancé cheated on me. He apparently had flirted with a lady that we both know at work and who knows me and that we have a family. (We have a little girl together who is 2) Anyway, they have been flirting for "months" and finally took it over the line on the 24th of April, a Thursday. They continued this all the way till I caught them on that Friday by seeing phone records when paying the bill. Then only through questioning relentlessly and making him swear on our daughter did he finally fess up after saying it was just a coworker who was having a rough time and that nothing was going on... They kissed 5 or 6 times.. He would follow her from work so they wouldn't get caught, they would stop on the road, he would get in her car and they would make out. And a couple of times they would go to lunch together and hold hands and kiss on the way to and from. Ugh, I feel sick even writing this. So we have been together 7 years... We are engaged, have a little girl... And I love him dearly even if he broke my heart. After questioning him for the past week about it, we both decided to put this in the past and move on together. I stopped mentioning it and went back to normal. Fake it till you make it right... Yesterday he tells me everything is weird. That I didn't have enough time to think about it or get over it and niether did he. He swears he still loves me and that he didn't have any feelings for her at all... But now he says he is confused and wants me to go stay at my friend's house tomorrow so he can "think". What is going on? I have a feeling that we are over... That he must not love me anymore, or at least isn't in love with me anymore. Are my intuitions correct? Should I get ready for more heartache? He swears he "doesn't want and isn't planning on" breaking up with me... Can I trust this or should I be ready for the ball to drop? Any help?

anabear2421 · May 9, 2008, 10:02 AM

Any thoughts would help...

plonak · May 9, 2008, 10:12 AM

This is hard for us to just tell you if he's going to break up with you because we are not psychic.. I think you should suggest to him about you two seeing a counselor.. You guys need to work out A LOT of stuff before you get married.. there are definitely some problems here... sneaking around and kissing a co-worker is bad, really bad, and probably would had led too much more if he wouldn't had gotten caught.. you need to find out why he did this, and he's proably not sure why either, that's where the counselor can help.. sorry for you heartache

Rockstar714 · May 9, 2008, 10:28 AM

Once a cheater, always a cheater. He says he "had no feelings for her" then why did he do it? Most people won't go out and make out with someone they don't like. I'd be afraid he go out and do something like this again, and just be more sneaky about it... guys are scandalous

Romefalls19 · May 9, 2008, 11:01 AM

Whoa... Rockstar, don't lump an entire sex into a group just because a few guys have made mistakes. Girls have as well, that's not nice.

I do believe in once a cheater always a cheater though, I would leave this clown unless you like being cheated on, then if that's the case, stay.

Rockstar714 · May 9, 2008, 11:03 AM

Sorry Rome, I didn't mean ALL guys. I've had more guy friends in my life than girl friends and I know things that their girlfriends have never found out. And I agree, girls have as well.

And I agree that she should leave unless she likes to get cheated on.

Romefalls19 · May 9, 2008, 11:05 AM

Apology accepted :-) and I'm the opposite I have more girlfriends than guys of course when I date, most girls dislike that. But I agree, I know a lot of things they do without telling their boyfriends. I think people in general are quickly going on the decline of honor and respect

Depressed in MO · May 9, 2008, 11:08 AM

"But now he says he is confused and wants me to go stay at my friend's house tomorrow so he can "think"."

Hmmmm... Not trying to open a new can of worms here, but it almost sounds as if he just needs one more night to be unfaithful.
He just needs one single evening to think about things?What is it that he needs to think about? After all, he assured you that he loves you, doesn't want to break up... etc. Sounds fishy to me. He has been with you for 7 years, he should know by now how he really feels about you.

I'm sorry. It just drives me crazy when people say "I just need a day to myself to think things over, but I promise baby that we are not breaking up and I'm not leaving you..."-OK-then what the hell ARE you doing?

I think he is fooling himself and I think he is fooling you. If anything, you should be telling him to go to a friend's house-for a few days- so YOU can think about some things.

Rockstar714 · May 9, 2008, 11:30 AM

Yes yes, definitely a decline.

My first boyf (at 21) cheated on me with upwards of 5 or 6 girls at a time. I would get calls at work saying that they were his girlfriend... and he would always deny it. For a year. He still cheats on his girlfriend, who is now his baby's mama (and she says she knows but only god can judge)

Don't be stupid like her...

Depressed in MO · May 9, 2008, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by Rockstar714

Yes yes, definitely a decline.

My first boyf (at 21) cheated on me with upwards of 5 or 6 girls at a time. I would get calls at work saying that they were his girlfriend...and he would always deny it. For a year. He still cheats on his gf, who is now his baby's mama (and she says she knows but only god can judge)

Don't be stupid like her...

Yep, I've been you, and I've been that girl! (the baby mama in denial of a cheating man)

Rockstar714 · May 9, 2008, 11:50 AM

Oh she knows full well he cheats. That's how I broke up with him, I showed up at her doorstep (cos he was living with her so he wouldn't have to pay rent) and I dumped him in front of all of his friends.

Ana--you guys have a 2 year old and you have been together for a long time. If you broke up and your daughter still got to see him, it'd be OK. She's young enough now that it may not adversely effect her as long as you made sure not to bad mouth him in front of her. I have no sympathy for any man that cheats and that says stupid things like "i felt nothing for her, its you I love" and "I need a night to think." I think you'd be better off finding a nice guy and starting over

talaniman · May 9, 2008, 01:50 PM

Yesterday he tells me everything is weird. That I didn't have enough time to think about it or get over it and neither did he. He swears he still loves me and that he didn't have any feelings for her at all... But now he says he is confused and wants me to go stay at my friend's house tomorrow so he can "think".

This is after you forgave him?? As a man, that sounds like the most asinine bull crap excuse I have ever heard. He did wrong, and he is confused, and you have to leave? Makes no sense. If I were you I would go straight to the court, and get child support, and visitations settled, and then never go back. You shouldn't be heartbroken, you should be furious. I suspect you will be later, when the dust settles. Don't cry for him, and expect the worse.

anabear2421 · May 9, 2008, 02:05 PM

Yeah... This is after I forgave him. We both agreed to never mention it again, even though I am still completely hurt over it. I still said not one word and acted like everything was normal...

Rockstar714 · May 9, 2008, 02:11 PM

Repressing your feelings will only make things worse in the long run. If you keep it all inside and act like everything is OK, eventually you will snap and everything will come back up. The two of you need to TALK THINGS OUT. Agreeing to never mention it again is a recipe for disaster. The #1 most important thing for a healthy working relationship is communication. He just doesn't want it brought up because he knows he was wrong.

sully123 · May 9, 2008, 02:38 PM

You deserve better than this. Thank God you didn't get married to this man. Yes you have a little girl and that's all you should be thinking about right now. Move on, he will break your heart again, kick him to the ground. You are worth more than that.. Family, friends anything but get away from this man, and do what's best for your daughter right now. Yes he is her father, but you can make it with out him, if you put your mind too it.. If he loved you he wouldn't of thought of cheating on you.. Sorry.. for you

Chery · May 9, 2008, 02:42 PM

We all know that the initial romance wanes a little, and when there is a child involved, there might be cause that Dad feels neglected in a few areas. You could also have lost that 'spark' because being busy with a child and home can take energy away from you and you just might have neglected him without intending to and expecting him to understand - so he looked for 'excitement' elsewhere. This might not mean that he does not love you, but just does not himself feel loved enough anymore. Men get that way when they are not the center of attention and can't understand why, so we women really have to talk to them and do a bit of reassurance.

I suggest talking to him and asking him if he feels neglected and see if counselling will help. You will always have a history and with the baby, will always need to communicate in a civil manner, so if you still love him, you both will have to work on regaining trust and finding that old spark.

Good luck dear, I hope all works out well for the three of you.

Remember, it takes two to keep a relationship going.