[ChihuahuaMomma]

So my boyfriend gets mad when I tell him I'm not in the mood, he acts like I just slapped him or something. He starts going off about how we never have sex, and I must be getting it somewhere if not from him, and that I've changed because I don't sex as often as when we first met. It's really frustrating, and doesn't make me want to try and get in the mood. What do I do?

[COOKIE MONSTER]

Tell him how you feel

Is their a reason,other than his moods why you don't feel like it?

[tickle]

Just tell him, chi, it isn't all about him and to very promptly get a life, or, you will feel like it when you damn well please! The nerve of him, jeeeeeeese. :)

[jillianleab]

From what I understand, when men are turned down time and time again, they start to take it as a blow against them - like there's something wrong with them. Imagine if you were asking for something and were told no more often than not; you might get a sense for his disappointment. To add to that, men are frequently sexual creatures, and sex is the way they express their affection; to turn him down is to turn down his affections.

Now, that's not to say you should be bullied into having sex, or guilt tripped, or that he should be ticked at you for saying no. You have the right to say no, and it's wrong for him to get angry and yell when you do. I think you should look into why you don't want to have sex and go from there. Are you tired? Stressed about something? Ticked off at him for something? Is something missing from your relationship? Think about what needs of yours aren't being met, and try to figure out how you can get those needs met. If it's something like you're tired because you've had a heavy workload and have to do all the home chores, maybe he can pick up some of the slack. Men are usually willing to empty the dishwasher and clean the toilet if it means they're going to get lucky! :)

[Fr_Chuck]

You should never feel forced into doing something you do not wish to do.If you do not feel in the mood you are not, and the sooner he gets to learn that it is not all about what he wants the better.

[Choux]

You have to examine *your feelings* to find out why you don't want to have sex with him!

Lots of young girls want their boyfriends to prove to them that "you just don't love me for all the sex I give you".

Perhaps, you are losing self-esteem for some reason and want reassurance that you are a loved woman?? Testing his love and loyalty in the absence of sex?

If so, this is not going to work because he can only see the rejection and manipulation. Men don't think like women!

Ignorance is not bliss... knowledge is power. :)

Best wishes in 2008,

[kp2171]

I never give a short answer in a post like this so try to muddle through it. And answer some questions. You can't solve this without dealing with some real questions.

Couple of issues here...

From your side... you mention he isn't willing to try to motivate you to have sex, which makes you not want to have sex, and the pressure causes stress, and stress kills libido. Ugly cycle.

Well, you posted in AS, so its no holds barred. How was/is sex when you have had it? And I'm not talking about sex to appease him... I mean when you are interested and engaged... can he satiate you? Is he a giving lover? Is it something you actually enjoy?

What would you want him to do differently? I know the things my lover wants and needs to be engaged and responsive. Doesn't mean she will be interested, but I know it gives her the best shot at being sensitized and lost in the moment, which gives me the best chance at actually having sex. So what do you need? What's missing? Because you point out that something is missing by stating he doesn't take the time... so what do you need and have you told him?

From his side... well, is he right? Do you have sex less that you used to? If his drive is higher and yours has dropped as the "new shine" wears off and the chase is mostly over, yeah... this can be a real problem.

When dating my wife early on shed be engaged and intimate late at night, when I'm most primed. Later on, that stopped. She's up very early and tired later on... so we had to talk it out. Honest truth is I'm more of a "morning person" now out of necessity. Not the way id prefer it, but I'm willing to bend some. The flip side is my drive is higher than my wife's, so she's willing to be patient and try to meet me in the middle.

I've accepted that I'm going to be the initiator most of the time, I know what things can help bring her around to being engaged, I know ill have to bend some to her best times for sex, and she knows that my drive is stronger. She knows if she repeatedly denies me that there isn't balance. She knows if she doesn't show any interest it's a problem. She knows if she treats sex as a task or a chore that it will have ripple effects elsewhere in the relationship.

Sexual compatibility is important. You shouldn't feel pestered and put upon. He shouldn't feel repeatedly denied and rejected. So you've only stated the symptoms... you are both frustrated from different angles.

What's the cause? Is your drive really lower than before? Anything changed? Lots of things affect libido, including diet, exercise, stress, illness, meds, anxiety, etc... does he please you when you do have sex? What's missing?

Time for some answers. And ultimately you need to talk this out together, in a manner that isn't about accusations and hurt feelings. If his drive is higher, you might need to make more of an effort to meet his desires. Do you ever initiate sex? I might generally pursue my wife, but I still like to be put to the wall now and then and told to get in bed now. And on his side, if he needs to change how he approaches you, what he does for you, if there are other issues that keep you from being mentally in the moment that he can control, then he needs to do that. You might have to tell him what you need. If I've learned to be a giving lover its part from my being interested in pleasing my partner, but its also largely from dating women who were open to talking about their needs and desires concerning sex. Much of it isn't intuitive and there's a lot of misinformation out there.

Done babbling. Your turn. Willing to give some answers?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Since I haven't been in this post for a while I will respond to the last one.

WHEN we have sex--it's mindblowing, we both get what we want, and a lot of the times at the same time, if you know what I mean.

I just need him to understand when I'm not in the mood. I have a lot of stress to deal with lately. He knows that. He thinks that having sex with keep it off my mind, and I think I won't be all there cause I'm thinking about bills and such.

And yes, we have less sex than we did when we first met, but we did it three times a day when we first met. So, I figure once we gained lives, the sex dimishing a bit would be chaulked up to that.

I DO intiate. Mostly in the mornings, when it's a surprise to him...

[kp2171]

so there's balance there...

and I think both sides are being reasonable, even if its reasonably annoyed, if that makes sense.

for ex, my partner has had a grueling month. Travelled almost 50% of it. Her drive is in the dumps right now as her body is still trying to figure out what time zone she's in... so she's just now getting that playful bounce back. It happens. I'm not thrilled, but I'm not climbing the walls right now. In another three weeks, I could be a complete snot without a few "wins" along the way.

I can't say you are going through what we have before, but there were times when sex was in a rut that we both were frustrated, but approached it from completely different sides.

in her mind, which sounds like what you are going through, she has to have balance outside the bedroom to have it inside the bedroom. If work or money or other issues are in her head, there's no use getting in her pants. I could do all the right things to please her and make it all about her... her mind is her most important errogenous zone, and a healthy sex life, for her, reflects balance in the rest of her life.

and then there's me. The house could be on fire. From my side, sex, kissing, intimate touch all reinforce the other areas of the relationship. Doesn't mean good sex fixes problems... but when things are going well in the bedroom, I'm a nicer guy to be around, I'm sure. I know I'm less distracted. I know I'm more productive. I know I get things done more... so sex for me can help create the environment that makes her more interested in sex... but when my drive is higher than hers and it stays that way for a long time, its hard not to take it personally.

I think you're just going through a rough spot. I won't say he is mean... I think he's struggling with how to deal with it. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be a jerk. But at least he is interested.

glad things click well for you two. He might need to understand when you are most interested too. As I mentioned before... if I want the best shot with my partner, its in the morning, after she's had a hot shower, and after I've run my hands over her body, loosening up tight muscles from exercise the day before. I'm not saying massage must = sex... I'm just saying that's when my partner is most able to let go and mentally be in the moment.

if he's all that interested maybe he should be the one to wake up early and make it all about you. I'm not one to say you need to keep a chalkboard in the bedroom to keep score, but if I wake up early and please my partner by making all about her... in time shell be more than glad to return the "favor".

[Handyman2007]

You didn't mention his age but that has a bit to do with his "unpleasantness". It is ego bruising to a younger guy. As we age, we become less obsessed with the sexual act and understand the "not in the mood" syndrome. At my age, I would just prefer to be physically close to a lover. Not that I do not enjoy sex, I do but closeness really comforts me more.
He will get over it , if he doesn't... find someone who won't pressure you.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

He's 24, I'm 22.

He doesn't pressure me, he just get frustrated when I'm not in the mood. And our relationship isn't about sex, so I wouldn't give up on him for something like this. I'm not a 15 year old in a 3 month long relationship. We are adults and have been together for a while..

I just want to know how to get him to stop making me feel bad for not being in the mood.

[tickle]

Chi, he just has to grow up. You have been spoiling him too much. A good relationship is give and take.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

He's a very mature man. How have I been spoiling him?

[Synnen]

Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that getting mad at you for not having an 'on' switch doesn't exactly turn you on any more than you were before.

Let him know what WOULD make you in the mood more often.

My husband and I dealt with this for a few years when we were first dating. Men (especially younger men) just do not "get" that sex is mental for women. It literally took me YEARS to pound this into my husband's head. He took it as a personal rejection when I wasn't in the mood, when it really came down to "I'm not in the mood NOW--but maybe ifyou romance me a little, I could be".

But... there's that fine line, then, where if every time they're romancing you, it's to get sex, you're both still frustrated.

Our compromise ended up being this: One out of every three times he approached me (And it couldn't be, say... 10 minutes apart), I had to say yes, whether I was in the mood. In return, he had to give good foreplay to GET me in the mood. That meant backrubs, foot rubs, lots of oral, erotic massage, lots of kissing, whatever it took. If foreplay was 2 hours long, it was 2 hours long, period.

What HE figured out from this is that it really is mental... and if he was just looking for release, and not closeness to me, it was probably better to just go sit in the bathroom for 10 minutes and take care of it himself. It was WORK to get me in the mood from being absolutely NOT in the mood, and he realized that right quick. What *I* figured out from it is that sometimes I didn't need to be in the mood to start with. If I just started the whole process, I could BE in the mood soon enough. I just had to make sex as important as doing the dishes, folding the laundry, grocery shopping, etc.

The result of this ended up being that he made more of an effort to try to keep me closer to the mood more often--helping with housework, giving me footrubs as we watched TV or a movie, bringing home flowers for no reason, taking me out to eat because it was Tuesday, brushing my hair just to be close to me. Basically, he now keeps the romance in our relationship because it makes me feel closer to him, and that has turned up my sex drive. The OTHER result is that now that I don't turn him down every time he tries to start something which is what he said it felt like, and it was frustrating, and an ego-killer, and it hurt to be rejected so often, from his point of view. I mean, think of all the women on these boards that get frustrated that no matter what they do, their man is just not interested in sex. If it had been the other way around, that you couldn't get your guy interested in sex no matter what you did--well, people on these boards would have the knee jerk reaction that he was addicted to porn or getting it on the side, or whatever. But because it's the FEMALE with no interest in sex--well, she must just be busy, etc.

You HAVE to make sex important to you. It's important to him, obviously. If you truly feel the other parts of your relationship are balanced, then you have to talk to him about it, and work out a compromise.

My guess is that it's not that he's angry when you turn him down--it's that you're hurting him by rejecting him. No one likes rejection.

[tickle]

Chi, I don't know how you have been spoiling him but I got that impression. By the way, I love the pic of you looking really perplexed and upset. Hang in there, I love to read your posts.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Synn--Thank you for the great advice. I will try that. Sometimes it just feels that he is just there for the release. ONCE, and this only happened once, I tried lighting a few candles, and he just grabbed me and started kissing me and told me not to worry about the stupid candles. He couldn't figure out why I was pissed. It's like, "Umm, sorry for trying to set a romantic mood in the room".

Tickle--Thanks, it's one of my new favorite pics of me.