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talaniman · Apr 16, 2008, 05:10 AM

Your disappointed for his kids. Seems to me he is very accommodating of you, that's good. But I understand your feelings. Honestly though, even if plans don't change, express that disappointment rather than not. Just me, I think its important for couple to be able to always have an opinion, and give it voice. But then again, my wife doesn't always want to hear it. But I still express it, just so she knows, and doesn't have to assume how I feel.

Mom of 2 · Apr 16, 2008, 08:30 AM

Yes, he is VERY accommodating. I just don't want it to come across to his kids that he is picking me over them. But, then again, he really is not because this is normally the weekend that he would not have the kids and we already had plans.

I am not trying to be difficult, it's just that I don't want them to hate me for taking their dad away from them before I actually meet them. I will "lighten up" and enjoy it. I have told him that even though his ex has done things that sometimes puts a change in our plans, we will work through it. The last thing that he needs is another person (let alone another woman) putting pressure on him for something that is beyond his control. I am actually excited about this turn of events because it is making him come out my way (this will be the first time that he will be at my apartment) and I am not the one who is driving the 40 minutes to his place. Things do happen for a reason sometimes.

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who is engaged to "C's" brother and told her about the situation. She is not surprised that this has happened, but she assured me that his kids would be okay and that his kids are really easy going and for me not to worry about it.

Sooooo, I am not going to worry about it. I am letting him worry about it and make whatever changes that he feels are necessary for this situation and not stress over it.

Mom of 2 · May 6, 2008, 09:16 PM

Okay, it's been a while and I just wanted to update everyone. This past Saturday, C and I were supposed to get together and spend all Saturday evening together. I took the night off work and I was going to get to his place around 5 p.m. Everything was a go on the Thursday before. THEN his ex informed him on Friday afternoon that she had to work that weekend and that even though she would still be able to take the kids, the kids would not be able to attend their sporting events because she had to work, which means that they would have had to stay at her place all alone until she got off at 10 p.m. She wouldn't even be home to spend time with them! The kids did not want to miss their games (if his daughter missed her high school softball game, she would run the risk of having to sit out for a game or possibly being dropped from the team). Therefore, C and I had to cancel our plans entirely. We did not get to see each other this weekend at all, which means that it will be a complete month without us being able to see each other. Because I have been so busy with things around my place and with work, it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I am trying not to dwell on it too much, as it is so totally out of my control.

THEN, I get an email from him this morning in which he forwarded the response that he received from his ex, stating that she will be working every single weekend and that on the weekends that she is supposed to have the kids, she will be able to take them, but they will have to miss all of their games and practices and that they would be home alone. She stated that they are not babies and they are responsible enough to stay home alone. Yeah, I could agree with that argument if she still lived in the same neighborhood that they have grown up in and they had friends to hang out with. She was the one who moved to a town about 40 minutes away, so the kids don't have any friends where she lives.

I responded to his email and told him that we would work through this situation and that this is just a slight inconvenience for us. I mentioned that I was not willing to give up on us just because of this little problem and that although I am disappointed that it might be yet another month before we are able to see each other, we can do it. I also mentioned that although it would be easier for us if we knew eachother's kids and that I would love for my kids to meet him and for me to meet his kids, it was still too early to do this AND that doing this next serious step just to make it easier for us would not necessarily be in the best interest of the kids. I also stated in the email that we can talk about this later and that I did not want to discuss it further in an email. He called tonight, but the exact subject of introducing the kids was not brought up. He did say that he would talk to his daughter and she would have to stay home one night a week every other week to watch her brother so that we can be together. I guess this is only going to be until mid June so that the kids will still be able to attend their baseball games. I AM frustrated over this situation, but I knew the possibilities of what I was getting into when I first met him. His first few statements about himself was that he was a father of two children and that it was all about the children. I appreciated that (both then and now) because that is the way that I feel about my kids. I know that it will not be like this forever. I am viewing this situation as a sort of test. If we find that we still want to be together, learn about each other and continue to move forward regardless of all of the obstacles that we encounter at the very start of our relationship, then it will only make our relationship that much stronger. What do you think?

talaniman · May 7, 2008, 05:35 AM

I think that any couple that is willing to work together, to solve their issues to the benefit of both partners, have a great chance of surviving, and thriving. Kids are always first, as partners can be together anytime.

Mom of 2 · May 7, 2008, 11:35 PM

Because our phone conversation on Tuesday night was a little stilted, and because C did not call me on Wednesday night, I sent him an email Wednesday night around 11 p.m. that basically apologized about the email that I had sent him on Tuesday. In that apology email, I said that it was my intent to express my understanding of his situation and that we would get through this. I also stated that it was NOT my intent to pressure him in any way. I am hoping that this will open up the discussion that if now is not the time to introduce the kids, when will it be the time. If the discussion does not happen within the next couple of months, then I am sure that this email will bring it up sooner than if it was never brought up at all. I am getting a lot of advice from my well meaning friends that we "should introduce the kids now" and "what is he waiting for?", especially with the fact that his ex is starting to make it more difficult for us by not being able to take the kids on her designated days. I know I have to stop listening to these people and continue to focus on what is working for C's and my relationship and to talk to him about the issues that may not be working, which is only this issue at this time.

So, it is my hope that C and I will talk about this issue soon. My kids continue to ask when they will meet him and why they have not met him yet. I pretty much have my conversations with C after they have gone to bed, although there are times when he has called when they were around and they are aware of our relationship, although they certainly don't know the specifics.

jrebel7 · May 7, 2008, 11:43 PM

Talaniman, tried to share the rep but too soon!

Loved where you wrote "great chance of surviving, and thriving"... too many times our minds are only on surviving! What a great positive post!

talaniman · May 8, 2008, 05:13 AM

I wouldn't worry about meeting kids until around the 6 month mark, when the direction this relationship will take, is a lot more apparent. He must have the time, and space to deal with his ex, whom is becoming a problem on his own, with NO pressure from you. Support, but do not push, even gently. Remember there is much more to learn about each other, and there is NO HURRY.

Mom of 2 · Jun 11, 2008, 10:35 PM

Just an update. Thanks again to everyone for their advice. I have not been putting any pressure on him regarding meeting his kids and/or family (his mom, dad and brothers). Since the last time that I posted, he has been the one to mention wanting to go out with his three brothers and their significant others so that they can meet me. I just agreed that I was open to that and to let me know when it would be so that I could make sure that I got the night off, as I work when I don't have my kids or if C and I don't have plans to do something. Well, last night he stepped it up a notch by inviting me to his house this Sunday (yes, Father's day) so that I could meet EVERYONE!! His mom, dad, brothers and their wives as well as his kids and all of his nephews and nieces. I am excited but nervous beyond belief. I don't know if I am more nervous about meeting his Italian mother (who I have heard about from my friend that she is a typical Italian mother) or meeting his kids. His kids have been going through a lot of garbage with their mother this past week, which has got to hurt. Apparently, she refuses to take them on her designated weekends (funny how this refusal just started about the same time that the kids found out that their dad was seeing someone) because she has other commitments. Also, C found his daughter crying on the phone the other night while talking to her mom and overheard her tell her mom, "Why are you yelling at me, I did nothing wrong?" After she got off the phone, she told him that she was trying to ask her mom if she could come over sometime this week, but her mom told her that she did not have the time. I am just a little nervous that she will resent meeting me because of the fact that she cannot seem to be able to get her mom to be a part of her life. I know that I don't have any control over what she will think of me, that I need to just be myself and let her warm up to me. I know I will probably get advice from some of you to lighten up and not worry so much, but my heart really goes out to this girl. Like I said, I am both excited and nervous. No, my kids will not be with me because they will be with their dad on his special day. C and I will just have to discuss how he will meet my family. I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!

frangipanis · Jun 11, 2008, 10:44 PM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

I know that I don't have any control over what she will think of me, that I need to just be myself and let her warm up to me.... I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!!

That's terrific Mom of 2! Very glad to hear your wonderful news.

jrebel7 · Jun 12, 2008, 07:38 AM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

Just an update. Thanks again to everyone for their advice. I have not been putting any pressure on him regarding meeting his kids and/or family (his mom, dad and brothers). Since the last time that I posted, he has been the one to mention wanting to go out with his three brothers and their significant others so that they can meet me. I just agreed that I was open to that and to let me know when it would be so that I could make sure that I got the night off, as I work when I don't have my kids or if C and I don't have plans to do something. Well, last night he stepped it up a notch by inviting me to his house this Sunday (yes, Father's day) so that I could meet EVERYONE!!! I know I will probably get advice from some of you to lighten up and not worry so much, but my heart really goes out to this girl. Like I said, I am both excited and nervous. No, my kids will not be with me because they will be with their dad on his special day. C and I will just have to discuss how he will meet my family. I am just so glad that this chance has finally arrived!!!

I was just thinking about you the other day wondering how things were progressing. :p WOW! Isn't it strange how things can seem to hit a bump and then get so exciting so quickly. We all would probably, as you say, advise you to "lighten up and not worry so much" but easier said than done. I would be nervous also but just keep in mind that the more open you are, the more receiving they will be. Just take a deep breath in before entering the door and smile and let your sweet self show through. Sometimes it is difficult for me to get out of my "box", "shell", "space", whatever you would call it but when I open up, all things seem to blossom. Keep us posted. I am excited to hear things are going so well for you. :)

Mom of 2 · Jun 17, 2008, 12:29 AM

I just got home from work a little while ago and felt the need to update everyone on how Sunday went. It could not have gone better. His family is soooo nice and welcoming. I felt totally at ease with everyone, including his kids. His mother actually turned out to be a sweetheart.

Basically, I could not sleep for the two days prior to meeting them. I kept on waking up on the hour every hour. I worked until 3:30 p.m. and got to his place at 5 p.m. after taking a shower at my place. They were waiting to eat until I got there, which I thought was totally uncalled for, as everyone had gotten there at 12 p.m. and had to have been starving at that time. After calling him to let him know that I was pulling into his subdivision, I parked my car down the street and walked slowly to his front door. I felt (just a little bit) like a sheep going to slaughter. I was excited and nervous at the same time. As I was walking up to the front door, C appeared from the backyard. I am sure that I had a look of panic on my face because he giggled a little bit and said that everything was going to be okay, that they were going to love me, etc. I followed him, holding his hand, and he introduced me to the one brother that I did not meet and this brother's wife. After that, he walked me over to his son, who was so sweet, and then he walked me over to his mom. It was at that point that my heart sunk and the rest of the girls giggled, as I am sure that they could remember this same feeling. His mom turned out to be an absolute sweetheart. I said hello, and on the advice of my friend, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said that she remembered me from an earlier party that my girlfriend had at her house and she welcomed me to the gathering. At that point, my girlfriend walked up to me, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going in for a drink". While in the kitchen, she told that I did extremely well. C had followed us into the kitchen and it was at that point that he introduced me to his daughter, who was coming out of the house into the backyard. She just smiled and said hello. I cannot believe that I had spent two nights worrying about something that was over with in a matter of 5 minutes! I then went back outside and C's sister-in-law struck up the 20-question conversation. I was polite and answered all of her questions, knowing that I had nothing to hide. Apparently everything went well because I was told by his family members that I was to make sure that I got the day off for a graduation party and a birthday party in July. C simply said, "She will and we will be there." C and I both had a sort of silent agreement to stand by ourselves without glomming onto each other. I certainly did not want to make his kids uncomfortable, and I know that he was thinking the same thing. He just kept looking at me and smiled and I smiled back. His daughter actually sat next to me for quite a bit of the time and we talked about the fact that the high school that I went to was just down the street from the high school that she currently attends (she goes to the Catholic high school that is located just down the street from the high school that I went to) and how much it changed. She also talked about how she was excited to get her license in August.

At the end of the night, his kids retreated to their rooms, which apparently is typical for them. C and I stayed in the backyard and just talked. We refrained from holding hands, which was silently accepted by the both of us. I was scared that one of his kids was going to come out and "catch us". Again, I don't want to do anything that is going to cause his kids to resent me in anyway. This was a big step, but it certainly does not mean that I am totally in the free and clear. Although his kids have now been officially introduced to their father's girlfriend, it is still such a new idea for them and will take some time for them to feel totally comfortable with me. The next step for us is for him to meet my kids. That part will be so much easier for me.

Whew!! I completed a huge step, a step that I had anxiously waited for and was a lot less severe than I had originally thought it would be like. I am just so happy that it went so well.

frangipanis · Jun 17, 2008, 01:57 AM

That's the most beautiful thing I've read for a long time... :))))

talaniman · Jun 17, 2008, 07:05 AM

That's so great to hear that things went so well.

Enjoy this getting to know everyone stage.

Mom of 2 · Aug 6, 2008, 04:23 PM

It has been a loooong time since I posted anything and so much has happened that I felt the need to update everyone.

1. I introduced my kids to C and they both liked him very much. My son actually gave me "permission" to continue dating him. My son was so cute in the way that he presented himself as a sort of man of the family - trying to be mature, but also acting like a typical goofy 12 year old. My daughter also did very well. She was a little more quiet, but she smiled and giggled a lot, which is a real good sign for her. I am so proud of both of them!!

2. I went to the graduation party with C for his niece and that went very well. His mom actually came directly up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss hello. After that party we went to his son's baseball team party and I was introduced to all of the parents of the players. After both parties, C told me that his family loves me and that his friends had nothing but good things to say about me.

3. My birthday was in July and we went out to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. He gave me a beautiful Tiffany necklace (the simple Picasso heart pendant, not the one that looks like a dog collar). It is beautiful and was TOTALLY unexpected. To all of you guys out there, if there is any question as to what to give a woman/girl (and you can afford it), every female loves the little blue box!! If you can't afford it, any tasteful jewelry is great too.

4. C invited me AND my kids to his daughter's birthday party in 2 weeks. I told my kids about it and they are soooo excited. My daughter had me take her to get a new outfit for the occasion. She is sooo like me (and only 8 years old).

5. Had a small run-in with C's ex-wife. I did not actually see her. She dropped their son off early (about 4 hours early) at C's house and she saw my car in front of the house. She called the house and I heard her screaming in the phone "Who in the hell is in the house with my children!!" She wanted to know my name, etc. and apparently grilled the kids. The kids told C that they told her what my name was and that was about it. She asked if I stayed the night, which I do not when the kids are home. It was a little uncomfortable and very embarrassing for C, but we made it through. After she left, I asked him if he wanted me to leave so that he could spend time with the kids and kind of talk things through with his kids, but he convinced me to stick around for a little bit and that everything was okay, that it was the ex who made the children uncomfortable.

If there is one piece of advice that I could give to anyone dating someone with children (either yours or the other person's children) - be understanding and patient. Know up front that plans can and will change and that there will be unexpected surprises. The key is to stay calm and to try to be as understanding as possible. I just wish that I fully understood that in the beginning instead of second guessing myself all of the time and wondering if he was blowing me off because he was not interested. Now I know that is as far from the truth as possible. Even though we may not SEE a lot of each other, the times that we do see each other are so nice and special. I truly believe that I am falling in love (if I have not done so already! ).

jrebel7 · Aug 6, 2008, 09:54 PM

Mom of 2, I have wondered how things have been going for you. I was delighted to see your post. Everything just sounds so great. Even the way he and you handled the ex situation on the phone call, which has to be difficult all the way around, seemed to just be wonderful.

You also gave some good advice learned from your experience! That is priceless!

Best to you and your family and your future!

talaniman · Aug 7, 2008, 05:39 AM

Its so great to hear some good news, and you really deserve to be happy, so can I stop biting my nails now.

Just take your time, and go slow, and ENJOY each other.

Mom of 2 · Aug 11, 2008, 10:02 AM

Yes, talaniman, you can stop biting your nails. I am so happy with everything; my kids, my life, my man.

The day after I posted my last post, I slipped on some ice at work (I work in a restaurant - so don't think too hard about where I found ice to slip on in the middle of summer! ), fell and broke my knee cap. I have to have surgery in a couple of days. Therefore, C took care of me the entire weekend, which was really nice. He was so attentive, gentle and nice. Because of my incident, my ex has to take care of the kids for another week, which is also going to kill me but it is a necessary thing. My kids are upset about not being able to go to the party next weekend at C's house, but I explained to them that there will be more opportunities to do that in the future.

Overall, and under the circumstances, things are going well. I need to continue to go with the flow because just when you think you have everything figured out, life has a way of throwing a curve ball at you. It is our job to catch it and throw it back.

Mom of 2 · Aug 27, 2008, 10:59 PM

Here is another update. The surgery on my knee went well. I am now in physical therapy and it is progressing nicely.

My girlfriend (the one who is dating my boyfriend's brother) insisted that I stay at her house for the week after surgery. We ended up going to the party at C's house that Saturday. Since it was a birthday party for his daughter, I got her a card and a BP gift card, since she just got her license. I think it totally shocked her. C whispered to me that I did not have to do that, but I just looked at him and said, "I know I didn't have to, I wanted to." I mean, it is kind of crass being invited to a birthday party and not bringing at least a little something. His daughter got up and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. THAT totally shocked me, but it made me so happy. C told me the other day that his ex did not even give their daughter a birthday card, and she saw her on her birthday!

Things are going well, but I just wish that I could see him more often. We talk every night, which does make it more tolerable. We have plans to see each other on Saturday. I hope that with the fact that the school year is back in swing that the ex will start taking the kids on her designated weekends. Again, this is something that neither of us has control over and we will just have to deal with it. It would just be so nice not to have to worry about plans being changed/cancelled.

jrebel7 · Aug 27, 2008, 11:16 PM

Hi Mom or 2, I am so sorry to hear about your accident! Good things come from bad and you did get a chance to see how this guy would be in a situation that required more of him and he came through with flying colors from the sounds of it.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

This is such a great love story. It continues on and I continue to wish you the best. The kids seem to really be adjusting. Just such a sweet story. Thanks for sharing.

Mom of 2 · Aug 28, 2008, 08:42 PM

Yes, I totally agree with you Jrebel7. You really have to try to see the good in any bad situation. Not that I was exactly testing him, but he did pass a very difficult test. Prior to the accident, we had made plans for us to get together that Saturday night. When the accident happened, I called him with the idea that we would have to cancel our plans. Instead he rose to the occasion by telling me that he was going to pick me up on that Friday night (the next day) and that I was going to stay with him until Sunday night so he could take care of me. So, I actually was able to be with him more than if I did not break my knee. Maybe I should break the other knee after this one heals... NOT!!

Thanks again for everyone's kind thoughts and words regarding my accident as well as my relationship story. I'm glad that I can share a positive story. There is a lot of negativity in the world. Hopefully people will realize that there really can be a rainbow at the end of a storm and that with faith we all can be happy again. I will continue to post updates, both good and bad.