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AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 10:20 AM

I had a moment of weakness last week and I sent my ex a b-day card with a mixed cd. I was cleaning out my computer and I saw all of these old songs that I had compiled for him before we broke up. He lost the cd when he was in a car accident. I have not talked with my ex in 3.5 months, but I have been speaking to his best friend (on a friendly level) every now and then. I began to miss my ex. Was sending the b-day card and the cd a bad idea? What could I say to his best friend if he asked me why I sent him the cd and the card assuming my ex tells him?

Smoked · Apr 28, 2008, 10:28 AM

You obviously have some feelings that you need to work out with your ex. Sending the card may provoke some new contact. Isn't that what you wanted by sending the card? In all seriousness?

Why would you need to explain anything to his best friend? Is their something more to that story that you feel accountable to him?

Sorry more questions then answers then this point.. but I think I need all the facts before I make some assumption.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 10:48 AM

Well... Ok, I should be real and admit that I probably did want contact with him. I THINK the reason I have not heard from my ex is because of how things ended. He ended up changing his number ( I believe out of anger) because I reversed a phone payment I made on his bill. I did this because he stopped talking to me when I went home for winter break for no reason. He wouldn't return my calls and I found he did this to make me mad on purpose.

As for his friend, I believe he really likes me (crush wise). His friend is always talking to about my ex in a negative light and even asks private questions in a round about manner. When my ex and I broke up his friend continued contact with me but then he stopped after awhile. He says he stopped because he thought I was using him to find out more on what my ex was doing (not true, If I really wanted to get a hold of my ex I didn't need him). In addition, I started talking to his friend again because the guy claimed he had changed and moved away from his old life style and partying habits that my ex is apparently still apart of ( this information could be a pick up line and a lie). I am not sure if my ex is having his friend keep tabs on me or what. But nevertheless, I talk to his friend. Does that help at all?

bigbird213 · Apr 28, 2008, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by AmExp

As for his friend, I believe he really likes me (crush wise). His friend is always talking to about my ex in a negative light and even asks private questions in a round about manner.

Almost sounds like he is just trying to find things to start conversation with. I'd be a little hesitant to get involved with him. The feeling I get is that your suspicions (crush) are right...

That could wind up a really messy situation...

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 11:05 AM

Good point... let me make it clear though, I have NO intention of being involved with his best friend. That is NOT my character.

Smoked · Apr 28, 2008, 11:22 AM

I still think that there is more to the story. Its obvious that you wanted to contact your ex, for some reason. Probably because you have unresolved issues that you want to work out either consciously or subconsciously. You may not think your are using his "best friend" but if you know that he has feelings for you and you are playing on that fact, you are using him. He likes you, you know he does. If you don't like him you need to make it very clear to him that you have no intention of ever giving him a chance.

I would suggest distancing yourself from the entire situation.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 11:27 AM

Ugh. You are probably right about this. I have told him I don't mind being his friend. When my ex and I were still talking he tried to seduce me. The best friend didn't like it when I told him then I was not going get involved with him. It does sound messy looking at the situation. I should walk away. I tried to do that for 3.5 months but clearly I still miss my ex.

Smoked · Apr 28, 2008, 11:28 AM

"I love the guy too much for me not to have said anything."... I think we are getting somewhere..

Bad Idea? Yes and No

Yes, because you are opening a old wound and will probably turn out just like before.

No, because you love him and you are taking a chance on someone that you really care about.

What should you do? Well that is ultimately up to you but here are some suggestions.

First, stop using his friend to get to your ex. You love your ex and his friend was probably right the first time he stopped talking to you. You are using him to get to your ex and that isn't cool.
Second, tell your ex how you feel and see where you stand. Honestly you are probably not going to be anywhere you already aren't in this relationship, but who knows.

By the way.. I stole your quote from another post you made.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 11:34 AM

Oh that's all right (about the quote thing). I think I am just concerned that my ex will not contact me after he gets the birthday card/cd. I have tried to move on and talk to others or not thing about him at all, which is what I need to do again. Anyway, let's say he does contact me about the card (which he may not), you think it would be wise to tell him how I feel? I think THAT would be opening old wounds for him to play on my emotions. Or no?

kp2171 · Apr 28, 2008, 11:41 AM

its normal for you to feel like this...

it takes time to get over the noise, and your feelings are understandable. But understand... your statement that he stopped talking to you for no good reason is wrong.

the no contact I forced after my first big love lost was fueled by anger, but the reality was I needed the distance. Period. Anger or not, it was the next step in moving on.

now... you might not want to be moving on... your sending the card and CD shows that, to some degree.

but he is your ex now... and stepping away from him, and maybe the friend too, can force you to deal with this. no... it isn't fun at all. But neither is wasting time on a relationship that is over.

tell the friend you need to step back and deal with things.

and then do it.

don't expect it to be painless. Took me a year to get over one ex. But it was needed. If the guy has any interest that is real, he will make contact. If anything, right now he has contact through his buddy. He likely knows what you are doing, whether you are seeing anyone, etc...

so your ex might have all the info without worrying about anything.

so stop it. Push the magic "stop it button"... oh yeah. Crap. There is no magic button. Damned if I didn't need one of those several times in my life. Invent one. Make a million bucks.

getting off topic. So... you are missing him or missing the comfort of a relationship or missing knowing someone is there for you. All understandable.

now its time to step back hard. It's a difficult thing to do, but something you need to learn. Most people lose a few loves along the way, as I have. And as much as it hurt each time, each time I also got better at picking myself up off the ground when id been hit by an emotional 2x4.

so don't kick yourself for sending the card. Don't do it again... at least until you are long over him. And step back from the buddy some, if not more than that... time to really deal with the noise and work through it day by day.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 11:54 AM

Yeah, I think I am missing the thought of being in a relationship. I really should be ashamed just because the reason I took a semester off was because of the demise of the relationship and losing focus in school because of this person. I also think I shared a little too much info with his buddy on my where abouts, but I think they know I was not in that city anymore. I also admitted I would be returning in August (not wise). I think the more important issue is that I should not be so desperate for a reltionship that I go seeking it through an old flame that was not good for me to begin with

kp2171 · Apr 28, 2008, 12:02 PM

Don't be ashamed. Its hard to work through this noise.

I took a semester off from school after the death of my grandfather (my father figure) and subsequent breakup (tho temporary) of a relationship. It can be a smart thing to do if your head isn't in the game... but you need to ground yourself also...

One of the worst things a young person can do is change their life plans to follow another... so set some goals and go for them. Don't be ashamed. You've done nothing that can't be turned around and that can't teach you about living and loving.

So don't kick yourself too much. Been there, done that. A few times.

At my worst moment I thought "am i always going to be alone"... well... things didn't always move as fast as I would have liked, but I loved other women, lost other loves, and eventually married a great woman.

Don't kick yourself too much... and don't give yourself too much slack. You'll be fine.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 12:07 PM

Thank you. I hope I find that!

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 01:13 PM

Do you think he will respond?

Smoked · Apr 28, 2008, 01:15 PM

Not trying to burst your bubbles or anything, but I hope for your sake he doesn't so you can put this behind you.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 01:18 PM

Yeah... not what I wanted to hear. For that, something tells me he won't as I have speculated. Oh well...

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 07:06 PM

So I sent the b-day card and my ex got it. He called his best friend to tell him what I had done (he got the card today, Monday). From what his best friend told me he is still mad that I cut off his phone and apparently has not matured in any way. That situation happened 3.5 months ago but he is still bitter about it. Real mature, not! I am sure the cd will be in use but clearly my ex is a real d-bag and a loser. As I have said before, know who you are dealing with before you send anything to an ex. I thought my curteous gesture would have sparked a thank you or a hope all is well but I got nothing for now. His best friend was also unclear as to if he would call me or not. One time he said I should expect a call another time he said don't expect a call. Bottom line, I made a mistake by sending him that card.

ISneezeFunny · Apr 28, 2008, 07:19 PM

I got to ask, how'd your breakup go? Did you break up with him or was it him that did it? I ask mainly because the same thing happened to me on my birthday 2 months back... my ex called to leave me a message saying happy birthday... but I didn't respond, but it's mainly due to the way we broke up.

AmExp · Apr 28, 2008, 07:32 PM

Well he ended things but I think the last straw was that I cut his phone off. Again, as I have said in previous posts, he was NOT responding to my phone calls and I had been paying is bill for about 7 months straight. So I snapped and got angry and reversed my payment. I cannot believe he is still upset about that and it happened 3.5 months ago. NOTE to everyone... don't deal with mentally unstable and sick people because this is what happeneds. Those people don't appreciate anything you do for them.

ISneezeFunny · Apr 28, 2008, 07:37 PM

Hmm... I'm not going to argue with you that he didn't respond to it well, and of course, you had the right to stop paying for it, but don't you think it would have worked out better if you just told him that you're going to stop paying for his phone bill?