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dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 06:15 AM

He is 18 years old, but he is so mature and you are right, every time it was my fault, my friend was trying to get us back together so she told him to give me a chance and she asked him: didn't she give you any chance? He said:no I ve done nthn wrong to be given a chance for. And every time he dumped me and I ran after him to get him back . And every time it was my fault even for the smallest mistakes he'd brake up with me

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 06:17 AM

And I loved what starby said but I also had a discussion with another adult , my friend's mom... she told me that its all my fault I shldnt have lied to him ever and I shldnt of danced with that guy, because me and my ex were in a critical status where this thing cldnt be torlorated because at that night he was going to take me back but after that he totally changed his mind

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 07:01 AM

No, you should not lie to him, but if he is on you about everything you do and you are afraid he is going to dump your for breathing when he told you not to, you will lie to keep him. That is my point. That is a disfunctional relationship. There should not be that much stress on your part.
He was not even your boyfriend when you danced with that guy. What were you supposed to do, hide away in hopes that he would take you back? Does he have people following you around to see what you are doing? You need to be glad he is gone. He is controlling. What does he mean "can't be tolerated" He is not your daddy. How old are you?
I still say this is a guy who manipulates you and keeps you second guessing yourself. He wants to control your life completely. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you he is not worth it. Why do you think he kept taking you back? Because you beg, and he gets off on that. If you have to beg some guy to take you back, you don't need him. Don't lower yourself like that.
It is a very big mistake to stay with someone that controlling. People like that will strip you of every ounce of dignity you have.

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 07:05 AM

I know you are right... but when we first started going out he wasn't like that cz I wasn't like that.hes good to me when I'm good to him... after some time with him... some friends of mine started having bad influence on me... and I started chaging in a bad way. So he did the same... he always told me I fell in love with the girl you were before nt this girl..

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 07:11 AM

He liked you because you were accommodating to him, did everything he wanted you to do. Everyone changes, it's a part of growing up.
If he does not like the new you, then leave him alone. Don't try to be something you're not just to please him. He is not going to change his ways to please you.
If you changed in a way he didn't like, he should have just left you alone and not have you groveling and begging him.
I still say he is controlling. He is not good for you.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2008, 08:29 AM

Oh please, don't let others tell you that what you did was bad. Not bad enough for some duffus to just walk away, because you were out having the fun you should be. Its not like you were grabbing guys and trying to make out with them. He will say anything he can to make you feel guilty, and wrong. That's how he keeps you the way he wants you, how he wants you , and where he wants you. Seems to be working as look at yourself. Your blaming yourself, and have done nothing, and now you'll do anything to get him back?? That's exactly what Homegirl has been telling you, leave this loser and get someone who at least enjoys going out, and treats you right, he ain't it. Stand up for yourself, don't take his crap, and get a real man, who doesn't play mind games to keep a female.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 08:37 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Oh please, don't let others tell you that what you did was bad. Not bad enough for some duffus to just walk away, because you were out having the fun you should be. Its not like you were grabbing guys and trying to make out with them. He will say anything he can to make you feel guilty, and wrong. That's how he keeps you the way he wants you, how he wants you , and where he wants you. Seems to be working as look at yourself. Your blaming yourself, and have done nothing, and now you'll do anything to get him back??? That's exactly what Homegirl has been telling you, leave this loser and get someone who at least enjoys going out, and treats you right, he ain't it. Stand up for yourself, don't take his crap, and get a real man, who doesn't play mind games to keep a female.

My man talaniman just pegged it. He plays mind games with you. Don't play with him any more. Find someone who likes to go out and have fun with you rather than condemning you for having fun.

Alty · Apr 26, 2008, 08:41 AM

Sweetie, I realize that it's hard to see someone the way other's see him, love is blind. That's why we are able to see so clearly exactly who and what he is, we aren't in love with him. Everyone that has responded has told you to find someone else, can that many people really be wrong? Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be dumb too, do the smart thing and find someone worthy of your love, this guy isn't it.

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 08:45 AM

And now he wants to start going out with another girl, and she told him that she'll wait for him until he's ready and she nt going out with anyone or anywhere so he won't get mad. And my friend told him that if he goes out with her ill be so devastated he said :its her problem I don't care:s

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by dunnowhat

and now he wants to start goin out with another girl, and she told him taht she'll wait for him untill hes ready and she nt goin out with anyone or anywhere so he wont get mad. and my frnd told him that if he goes out with her ill be soo devastated he said :its her problem i dnt care:s

So why are you wanting this guy? He thinks he has found someone else he can dominate. Let the girl have him.
He is so not worth it. Move on young lady. There are bigger fish in the sea.

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 08:52 AM

I JUST Don't WANT TO MOVE ON:s u just don't know him:S u don't know the good things in him:s he is very sensitive and very caring and loving and he doesn't like to dominate he just wants to take care of me and I did smthn wrong we were going to get back that night and I went out and danced with another guy

Alty · Apr 26, 2008, 09:03 AM

Honey, you danced with someone, you didn't have sex with him, you didn't even kiss him, you didn't do anything wrong, but he is making you feel so much guilt over this, that's not right.

If you don't want to move on then there's nothing we can say that will change your mind, but honey, we're not trying to hurt your feelings, we just don't want to see you get hurt any more than you already are. I've been were you are now, and I had to learn the hard way, through experience, you don't have to do that, you have people that are telling you what will happen in the future if you stay with this guy. We aren't just saying this because it sounds good, we're saying this from experience.

Is there a chance that he'll change and that you two will live happily ever after, sure, there's always a chance, but the percentage isn't high. If I told you that you had an 80% chance of getting hit by a car if you cross a certain street, would you cross it? I'm saying that you probably have a 20% chance of this relationship turning out to be okay, actually 20% is being generous, those aren't good odds honey. That's my opinion, based on my past experiences, you can either learn from my mistakes or make mistakes of your own, I just hope you don't have to pay to dearly from those mistakes.

I wish you all the best dear, that's all I can do, the rest is up to you.

Good Luck.

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 10:10 AM

I wrote for all of you here to get advices on how to get him back:s cz I think our relation can be great if we both change... so that's what I wld like to know:s how to get him back after hurting him:s

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by dunnowhat

I JUST DONT WANT TO MOVE ON:s u just dont know him:S u dnt know the gd things in him:s he is very sensitive and very caring and loving and he doesnt like to dominate he just wants to take care of me and i did smthn wrong we were going to get back that night and i went out and danced with another guy

He wants to take care of you? How is he going to do that? He is 18, you two are not married, I assume you live at home, your parents take care of you.
You went out and danced with a guy, you didn't sleep with him. You two were broke up then. What was he doing besides having people spy on you?Were you supposed to just sit at home and cry until he decided if he wanted you back?
When you get tired of feeling guilty and begging and waiting for him to "forgive" you, you will realize how unhealthy this is. Until then there really is nothing I or anyone else can say. You are not ready to stand up and be your own person. You want this guy to "take care of you" even if it means allowing him to put you down.
This guy say's he o longer cares about you or wants you, do not lower yourself by begging someone who does not want you.
How old did you say you are?

Homegirl 50 · Apr 26, 2008, 10:15 AM

I can't tell you how to get someone back who says they don't want you. You can't change a person and they should not try and change you.
My advice is just be yourself, don't grovel and beg, let him see you as a happy independent person. He will either like that and be drawn back to you or he won't.
You need to learn to be happy with yourself and by yourself, then you will be ready for a relationship.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2008, 10:24 AM

how to get him back after hurting him:s

Beg, plead, and do whatever he says. He will take you back in a minute, don't forget the crying, control freaks love crying.. . tell him how dumb you are, and how stupid it was for you to be shaking your money maker in front of those dude. Remember crying is best done on your knees. That's very important if you really want him to take you back, and don't take no for an answer. Beg harder, plead more, cry more, and don't forget your on your knees. Plan ahead and get a good pair of knee pads because he may have to think about it, so be ready with all the tears you got. Do you do windows? That may help... oh, before I forget the most important trick in the book... call him MASTER... and swear to be his slave. If he is the sweet, sensitive guy you say he is,. he'll take you back.

Alty · Apr 26, 2008, 10:36 AM

Tal, had to spread the rep.

Didn't we cover this already? I though we already told her how to get him back, I guess she didn't beg and plead enough, needs a new plan of attack.

If Tals advice doesn't work then swear to him that you will never, and I mean never, disobey him again, you've learned your lesson, you know who's boss, you will not defy him or his rules again. Make sure he knows that you will always be his, that you love him so much that you will do anything he says, no questions asked. Make sure he knows how sorry you are for being a human being, you were wrong and he had every right to be angry, you had an independent thought, that is not allowed, you know that now. Beg and plead, he'll love it, before you know it you'll be under his control again.

Good Luck.

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 10:49 AM

I already did that:s and your saying it to wake me up and let me know that I shldnt be his slave:S:S now I understand:s your making fun of this and I did it:S its humuliating enough:s I understand I don't want to be seen like that:s... I will stop... :S...

dunnowhat · Apr 26, 2008, 10:49 AM

Can I have any of your emails?

Alty · Apr 26, 2008, 11:02 AM

We're not making fun of it, we're trying to give you a dose of reality, a splash of cold water on your face so that you wake up and smell the coffee. You are better than this, can't you see that? Obviously not, so we are being cruel to be kind, do you understand? We care about you, that's why we are saying what we are saying.

You are humiliated? Maybe that's a good thing, because that's all you'll ever feel with this guy, humiliation, better to learn it now and move on, or accept it and live it for a lifetime.

Did we finally get through, I hope so dear, because I hate to think that you still want this guy after everything he's done to you. Time and self confidence is what you need, it's in you, you just have to find it.

Good Luck.