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talaniman · Apr 24, 2008, 04:11 PM

I thought maybe I was being tested and I was trying to include him and I think I went so far overboard that it backfired.

That's what I'm starting to see, a test! As you can recall, I am for being healthy enough to make decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just emotions. Some facts are just coming to light, and I suspect more will follow. I know, false hope is a no-no. So big guy, how do you honestly feel, in light of events that have occurred? I think you have handled things as a gentleman, not stupid, nor overboard (nice guy, yes).

talaniman · Apr 24, 2008, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by ststoleson

im on day 2, and all i can think of is this sucks.. lol

If we took a vote, everyone would agree... this sucks! Just hang in there though. Read the links in my signature.

Romefalls19 · Apr 25, 2008, 05:55 AM

Count me in on that vote Tal... Because we have ALL been where he has been and if you read Sneezy, Westy or my posts from when we first got on here, trust me you would see how alike every situation is. I'm almost positive we all had the topic of "she's not like everyone else, she is perfect" Looking back, and I'm sure they will agree... Our Ex's are FAR from perfect and we are all getting along just fine. We just needed time to heal, which I learned from this site.

Which also keeps me coming to this site, because I have been through it and any advice I can give that helps someone makes it worth while. Keep your head up champ, you will get through this.

nickshehe · Apr 25, 2008, 06:53 AM

I think Im a lot happier now than I was with her.. I mean besides the times we were together where it was perfect most of the time(.. wasn't always or else we wouldve still been together).. but yeah I didn't really go out much because I felt like there was no point.. and during weekdays I was pretty moody and I ignored my friends a lot.

I feel really weak at times though, especially when I'm drunk.. im having the time of my life and then I go home alone and I'm like "..wwhyyyyyyyyyyyy".. hah.
Oh well.
To new beginnings.

chuff · Apr 25, 2008, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats what I'm starting to see, a test! As you can recall, I am for being healthy enough to make decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just emotions. Some facts are just coming to light, and I suspect more will follow. I know, false hope is a no-no. So big guy, how do you honestly feel, in light of events that have occurred? I think you have handled things as a gentleman, not stupid, nor overboard (nice guy, yes).

Actually I still think as I wrote yesterday. I still think it came off as desperate and me trying to buy my way in as opposed to just being me. Furthermore, I think I should never have gone up there when I found out she came down here to see me. If she wanted to see me bad enough, I should have let her Even last night, at home I was thinking to myself, that I've sort of lost my way for the last couple months in my overall life and quit following my advice. In fact I spent some time yesterday reading several older posts and my responses and I was just stunned that the same guy who wrote that is the same guy who is now here wondering what the hell happened? I have to say though, reading some of my own stuff really was very theraputic, because I was sitting there going "that's me, I'm that guy not this one who is confused." In the end, I'm not really confused, I'm just holding on to hope and not following the rules. Ironically enough, I went to get something to eat last night and the bartender started flirting with me and I started ragging on her and sure enough she bought me a drink and told me when she works again and that I needed to come back. I was thinking "I still got "it", it's in there it just needs to come out" But writing this all out here has been great for me because, for some reason I can't seem to see what's going on when it's happening, but as I write it down it becomes crystal clear.

But to answer your question how do I feel, I feel like the interest level on her end is way to low for this to recover, I feel like it's way to high on my end for me to think straight or logically as opposed to emotionally, and I continue to give more then I get. Furthermore, it's obvious she has put me on the backburner and if that's where I've been regulated I have to face the fact I deserve better then that position and I need to move on.

bigbird213 · Apr 25, 2008, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by chuff

In fact I spent some time yesterday reading several older posts and my responses and I was just stunned that the same guy who wrote that is the same guy who is now here wondering what the hell happened? I have to say though, reading some of my own stuff really was very theraputic, because I was sitting there going "that's me, I'm that guy not this one who is confused." In the end, I'm not really confused, I'm just holding on to hope and not following the rules.

Hey Chuff,

Back about a year ago you helped me a bunch with what I was going through (it was a different name at the time). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you read some of your own advice, because it really helped me out at the time. I guess it also lets you see into why some people appear to "ignore good advice", when in reality its so much easier said from outside then done from the inside.

I hope everything works out for you man, I'm pulling for you...

chuff · Apr 25, 2008, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Hey Chuff,

Back about a year ago you helped me a bunch with what I was going through (it was a different name at the time). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you read some of your own advice, because it really helped me out at the time. I guess it also lets you see into why some people appear to "ignore good advice", when in reality its so much easier said from outside then done from the inside.

I hope everything works out for you man, I'm pullin for you....

Thank you, I seriously can not tell you how much that means.

ststoleson · Apr 25, 2008, 09:20 AM

I'm starting to realize what I need to do with my life, and I'm starting to figure out even thought it hurts like hell that if I did learn anything from her it was this, "The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you." Im still hoping that shell come around, but if she doesn't, I guess that's what I'm going to have to live by

losingit77 · Apr 25, 2008, 11:01 AM

Day 6 of reinstated NC. Ex called me last night. Did not leave a message. What? Did he really think I'd crack after only 6 days?? Please, he has no idea who he's dealing with now. Its time he realizes what "break-up" means. It's a permanent loss. It doesn't mean I sit around waiting for him to call, it doesn't mean I'm available whenever he needs me, it means I'm gone from his life for good.

He wants to give up 4 years together because he wants to be free and single? Then, fine. He'll have to deal with it. Ha!

classicrocker · Apr 25, 2008, 11:13 AM

losingit77, that's right preach on. How are you holding up? I'm only on day 2 of NC and the days arnt getting any easyer

ststoleson · Apr 25, 2008, 11:34 AM

3 days here.. Im starting to hate her :-\

losingit77 · Apr 25, 2008, 01:13 PM

Classicrocker - Just keep busy. It'll get easier. I have the next 3 weekends booked with stuff to do with family and friends so I'm just looking ahead to that and know that that'll continue to keep my mind of everything.

I know its hard, but you just got to keep on living. Keep your eye on the prize! And you, healthy and happy and free, is that prize!

duck22 · Apr 25, 2008, 01:26 PM

ststoleson, the first couple weeks are the toughest. The best thing to do is to put her in the past and focus on yourself. It gets better but you need to invest the time and effort. Acceptance will set you free and keeping yourself active will help clear your mind of her.

bigbird213 · Apr 25, 2008, 02:38 PM

I want to add a revelation that I came to today to this post...

It seems that many people wait for a day when they will be "normal" again, or a day when they will be happy all day long. This is what people strive to feel they are getting 'better' again...

The problem I see is that a lot of people just want to be sad for less time as each day passes... However, this isn't the way it works. I'm starting to notice that the healing process is more variable.

As we all ride this emotional rollercoaster, we can begin to tell we are getting better when the swings of depression throughout the day are lessened. Not so much that we are upset for less each day, more like the times we are upset are not as extreme and do not last as long...

Am I anywhere close to right?

losingit77 · Apr 25, 2008, 02:47 PM

Bigbird.. I feel the same way. The swings just seem to get less intense and less intense. I still think of him and have this underlying feeling of loss all day... but the lows aren't as "low" as it was in the beginning. Anytime, I start to feel down, I just ask myself, "ok, can I handle feeling this way for a little bit?" And the answer, of course is yes. And I remind myself that I lived a pretty happy and content 26 years before meeting him so I must definitely be able to live another 26 years (or god-willing longer) after him.

At least we broke up during springtime! The beautiful weather is definitely helping lift my mood.

ststoleson · Apr 25, 2008, 02:58 PM

Indeed it is, I sat outside today, smoking a cigg (which I picked up right away again lol) and I figured out 2 things for certain. YOU cannot make THEM love you! And The ONLY people you need in your life are the ones that NEED you in theirs! I feel really good and I'm hoping that it will continue, I deleted her myspace, Facebook, aim, phone number EVERYTHING.. I figured if she wants to come back, she will no matter what, and if she doesn't, then I guess I learned my lesson and will stay away from her. I don't mean to t00t my own horn, but I'm pretty proud, so far so good..

losingit77 · Apr 25, 2008, 03:13 PM

Good for you ststoleson. In my opinion, I think we might be starting to become the healthiest and happiest "broken hearts club there is." I couldn't sleep last night and I was thinking the same thing. I wasn't sad or anything but it was like an epiphany. I can't make him feel the same way I do. If he doesn't feel the same way I do about him, I should be thanking him for breaking up with me and setting me free to one day find that person that wants me in their life as much as I want them in mine! I mean, we were together for 4 years. If you're not sure after 4 years whether you want to be with this person forever, then there's a problem.

There's nothing I can do to make him feel the same way as I do. The only thing I can do is just let it go and say "big friggin deal". NC is the way to go. You can't manipulate, play games, guilt trip, people into wanting you. It'll only backfire in the end. Just be yourself and one day someone will love you like you deserve... just the way you are.

If someone truly loves you, there's nothing that can keep them away from you. If someone doesn't truly love you, there's nothing that can make them stay. (I don't know exactly, the saying goes something like that).

classicrocker · Apr 25, 2008, 03:51 PM

You guys are making some great points! I'm trying to get to where you guys are and I think I am... today I felt like I just wanted to cry and let it all out but... the tears just never came so I think I'm starting to pik up those broken pieces of my heart, next step the glue and someone to help me put it all back together. And yes we can't make them love us...

polska · Apr 25, 2008, 03:54 PM

21 days NC 6 days Smoke Free!
Still think about her all day and night!
We were supposed to go to Vegas next weekend together but after she left I gave her ticket to my best friend instead. I think that's making it a little harder. After Vegas I hope it starts to fade away. This is probably one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my 36 years. Maybe because I'm older or the love was stronger. My head is still a mess.
One day at a time!
Don't answer the phone!
Don't Drink and Dial!

Good luck to all!

losingit77 · Apr 25, 2008, 04:20 PM

Classicrocker - Don't forget. You don't need someonelse to put the pieces of your heart back together. You just need to love yourself and do it yourself. Until your heart is hole again, you won't be able to give it to someonelse.

Trust me! I've been there. Last time we broke up, I thought I was ready to get out there and start looking for a new love after about 2 months. Met someone, really liked him, we were inseparable for about a week until it just ended. And guess who I was calling up for consolation after that went sour... my ex. Big mistake.

Don't try to fill the void with someonelse cause no one can do that. You just need to love yourself and believe, truly believe, that you deserve that in return. Don't rush anything. Just focus on getting through the next couple of months single and fancy free and you'll be fine.