[Kitty1978]

Im 29, female, white, middle eastern. My boy friend is one of my distant families.So its important to keep the reputation good for him and me.

Last OCTOBER he suggested we start a relationship though he was in another country. He said, I'd move there in a year and I can come visit once in a month... we started like that, we loved each other so much, but I started complaining, missing him too much.. expecting him to contact more.. every day he was getting further and my feelings become more and more and more argue and complain. I know I was not a good girl, but he was not helping either and was showing negative reaction.

Some days ago, I felt, he is really pulling back gradually, so I started a very bad argue and wanated to finish the relationship, and told him, he doesn't like me and doesn't care me... he was sad, he said, its better we change our relation to a normal friendship, because it seems I am making you sad every day, and you can't control your emotions and you are too much emotional...

I have to say, when we are together, I have my best moments in my life, and I think he is happy too... but when he is not around, I feel too bad, sad, complaining...

After that big fight, I become badly upset, I said many bad tyings to him, because I just wanted to stop it.. I didn't know I can not stand it for a day even! I sent him an email, saying that I don't know why I did that, but I just want we love each other and I don't expect much... and so I begged him to forgive me for that argument and bad words, because it happened on his "birthday"... he forgave me... but he wants we be just normal friends, and no more relationship. This makes me too upset... we haven't talked about it yet, he mentioned that in a sms after I asked him to forgive me, and lets be like before. I had mentioned in my email that I can never see you even as a friend if we finish this, so for me, either relation ship or nothing, but he wants normal friendship... I don't know what that can mean? Return after some time?

I thought so much and I really want to continue until he moves here and we get together and then we see how it goes... but I don't know how to persuade him to continue for some more months till he moves here.

I should say, he will come to this city end of next week for some business. I maybe can see him, if he calls me when he comes so I can talk to him.

Now the question is, what should I do to get him back and continue for some more months? How should I react? Should I call him meanwhile before he comes or not? What is best to do? Why he wants normal friendship and not a total cut? He wants to come back after Im cooled down?. I'm too sad and can't wait till know how is it going...

[Chery]

Dear Kitty.

What I read here is 'reputation', and that you couldn't stand to be left alone so much. You placed this man in the center of your emotional universe and that is never good. Also, who else should care (family, other relatives?).. this is about you and him - not what the whole town thinks...

Why want a relationship that you know is making you unhappy and angry all the time? It sound to me as if he does care, but you want more than what he can give you and he does not like seeing you 'sad'. What do you expect from him? Do you want him to quit his current job so that he will be with you more? What if he likes his job and it would make him 'sad' to give it up? What is he did give it up for you and was not happy because you might find something else to get upset over?

How about you? Do you have a job that you like, or have you just dropped everything just to be with him?

What, to you, would be so bad to go back to 'normal' friendship and talk things out without fights - and maybe see if there is a chance in the future? Are you willing to meet him halfway, or do you demand to have things your way - just to again make things miserable?

Those are a lot of questions, huh? Well, you need to look at them and plan on a life of your own again, with or without him in it. You need to stop clinging to this and give each other enough space to figure out what went wrong and how to work on fixing it.

So, you have a choice here, continue to bombard him with your constant needs, or give him time.. and give yourself time to think of what you really want for yourself in life. The way it is is not what is good for either of you, so you need to take steps to balance, see the joy and fun in life again, and not be so aggressive if things don't turn out your way. Only time and patience will help, not being pushy..

Life is rough, take some time to relax and enjoy and try to be less demanding. What 'reputation' are you really worried about? If you worry too much about what others think.. it's time to move to another town and just visit on holidays.

Wishing you lots of luck, and please keep us posted.

What do you see here, and what do you want to see... gosh, another question.

[lmnotok]

I think you are a little desperate, I'm sorry if its tough to accept but what he did was sooooo right. You were so insecured and childish. Right now, all you need to do is to fix your own problem, which means: take your time, calm down, and be happy on your own first, and most importantly, have a peaceful mind. Learn more about self esteem.

You seem to be so urgent and insecured, you couldn't even stand it a day. YOu shouldn't see him before securing yourself but if you really feel guts to see him then be his friend, don't be hasty mentioning about relationship, just act like normal friends.

Him returning to you or not IS HIS CHOICE!! You can't "make" him do it. THe only thing you can do is to take good care of yourself and be a good friend. Show him that you're secured and peaceful, he MIGHT think again.

BUT, don't do all of this for him, DO IT FOR YOURSELF. Then things will gradually be brighter.

[talaniman]

I have to say, when we are together, I have my best moments in my life, and I think he is happy too... but when he is not around, I feel too bad, sad, complaining...

Please get your life into a more healthy balance for yourself. You are way to needy and insecure, and that has to be a real big turn off to any potential partner. Solve your own issues before having any thoughts of a relationship.

[Kitty1978]

About the reputation, I meant our families are incontact, so he doesn't want to be seen as a bad boy, I think that's why he wants friendship... so nobody would think that he has hurt my feelings or something similar...

Well, seems I've don all wrong... I know I had bad mistakes, I could not control my emotins, but I might see him in a few days, should I ask him for another chance to see if it works, me being careful of my action & behavior... because we are far now, this made all the problems, but if he moves here, I don't think there would be any such problems...

I don't know if I ask for one more try how he would react, or I just wait and see if wants back? Yesterday I saw he had added this clip to his orkut profile, maybe he meant something?

YouTube - Engelbert Humperdinck- How I Love You

[Chery]

Kitty,
Who knows what the future holds, but what I know is that you cannot control how he will react.. you cannot control how he decides anything in his life. If he wants just normal friendship for the 'parental issue' then, you have to decide if you can cope with this request. If not, then tell him and walk away. If he wants any kind of future with you that you can feel comfortable with, he will let you know one way or the other.

We have suggested that you control what you have the power to control - and that is YOURSELF.. get a grip, slow down and stop trying to push things into what you think is a perfect world with him. Nothing is going to be perfect unless you work on yourself and your emotional thirst to be accepted. You need to accept yourself the way you are first and then those around you will too.

Like I said before, who cares of what the 'family' thinks. If he hurt your feelings, tell him. If you want to get angry at him - do so.. Your families will stay in contact with or without your consent or his. And neither of you can control how they feel about your relationship as it is right now.

Another thing, if he wants the families to think well of him, he too is wrong in maintaining a relationship for their approval. What we should think about is our own wellbeing and not that of others who are not going to change their lives just because we are unhappy about something. Their lives will go on even if you two never talk to each other again..

I hope that you will find the happiness that you deserve, with or without him, and that you come to realize that you, as an individual, are worth the care and patience you need to find inner peace and security for yourself.

Again, good luck dear.