[nirvanafannz]

Okay, so me and my ex, we'll call her Stacey, had been going out for over a year and within that time she moved into my home. Everything was great [I made sure it was for her too because I'd ask often if she was okay , etc. and she'd always tell me if something was wrong] we had arguments like all couples do and I admit, I hit her a few times which I am currently in counselling for. But overall she told me I was a great partner and was very sweet unless we argued. She moved out of her home because of her family life and my mother said that she could have course stay with us. When her mother would come ask her to go out to her house for a night or so she would always decline, she never wanted to go, even when I said "It'd be good for you to see your mum and family" she would always say no. I never once said to her she couldn't do anything, she knew that she could go to her mums or anywhere else and do what she pleases. When her family were going move overseas, she still didn't want to go back. She never once wanted to leave. We broke up a few times during her time here and she still stayed and tried to convince me to take her back. When we argued I told her to get out and she refused, I asked her if she ever moved out what would she do and she replied "I'd live at my nana's [who basically lives around the corner], leave you notes in the mailbox, text and email you and try anything to come back. "Stacey and her mothers relationship was not good as soon as she entered my house, we lived on 40 dollars a week and we needed menstrual pads and all those sorts of things, so she asked her mother for 20 dollars so we could buy all that sort of stuff, which her mum refused, she wouldn't help out in anyway at all [we had to ask her 60 year old grandmother for 20 dollars].When "Stacey" started getting money from doing her course, well, who should turn up and want to be buddy buddy with "Stacey", her mum. Her mother, in fact, isn't a mother, she's more like "Stacey's" friend/sister and would always depend on "Stacey" for everything. But anyway. We got back together after about a 2 - 3 weeks of being just friends, she was still living here, and everything was great. She said if I hit her again would I go to counselling and I said yes of course. On the day she left, she had to have a smear done because she was getting horrible pains in her tummy, and luckily, nothing was wrong, her mother took her to the hospital because mine couldn't as she had an appointment herself. She went to her smear and then went to her course and came home around 3 30 - 4 in the afternoon which was odd for her as she was always home around 2 - 3 which I just brushed off. I talked to her for about 15 minutes and she said her mum was here to pick up a CD, about half an hour went past so I looked out the window, no-one was to be seen so I thought "Oh "Oh " went with her mum". There was absolutely no indication of what happens next, ever in our whole relationship. When " went with her mum" came home she said "Stacey" and then we talked a bit and it was obvious she was leaving so I begged and begged and everything and there were tears in her eyes as well which I found odd and you will soon learn why, then she left. I didn't hear from her until she came to pick up her stuff, her mother was treating "I'm going to stay at mums for the night" as a puppet and answered all my questions to her until I asked to speak with "Stacey" alone, which she finally agreed upon. All she told me was "Stacey" but wouldn't tell me why or anything and left. A few days later I text her and just said that I miss her and hope she's okay and we struck up a little conversation. She told me that she now didn't know if she wanted to be friends so I left her alone. A few days after I text her again because something was going on with one of her accounts online and we had a wee conversation again and then she asked if I could come online to talk so I did. We chatted and then got on to our relationship. I asked if she would meet me and she kept declining because she was terrified of me and the dark [if she was terrified of me, why not leave when I first slapped her? Or leave a lot earlier?] but anyway, I went back home and chatted to her on my own desktop. I told her exactly how I felt, what she means to me and that I'm going to prove that I love and care for her, which I am doing. We said good night on good terms and I sought out counselling the next day. About 2 30 in the afternoon, I text her and said I've sorted out counselling for myself to which I got a reply [off her mothers phone] "Hey it's "I don't know if I love you, I want to be with my family, we can still be friends" I don't want to be friends k" to which I asked why and her reply was "Hey it's " I got upset and decided to reply " I don't want to be friends k". Okay I know that was a lot to read but that's not the half of it. None of her actions or words match each other, it all contradicts itself. I accept the relationship is over but its all confusing and I don't see why the friendship is over. But my main questions are:
- What could have caused her to leave?
- Do you think there is a chance she will come back ever?
- How can I get over her

[justcurious55]

Hm, sounds like something weird is happening with the mom. Is she only behaving like this when her mother is present, that's the impression I got. And I don't know if I'd trust a text from her mother's phone... just seems strange

[nirvanafannz]

Thanks to justcurious55 for actually reading the big long post. Yeah everyone thinks that its got something to do with her mother, or "stacey" is being forced. It seems as though she only acts like that in front of her mum but I don't know, I do think so, but I also don't. And I believe it was "stacey" on her mothers phone because she told me the night before she was almost out of texts. See, I'm a bisexual female and "stacey" has just realised she also is bisexual, her mother is a very staunch "christian" and believes gay's are an abomination to God, if that's the case I don't see why she didn't act sooner on getting "stacey" out of my life. There's a lot more to it which I didn't write down because it was long enough, but if you want to ask anything that may help you understand a bit more or to help me, please go ahead.

[justcurious55]

Is stacey maybe confused about her sexuallity? Maybe her mother is filling her head with "its evil and sinful blah blah blah" and she feels like she needs space to figure things out? I don't know

[nirvanafannz]

Nah she's definitely not confused at all, and yes a few people think that also because when she went for her smear there was a big time gap of her and her mother. It seems that something was said then because the day before "stacey" was herself, absolutely fine. And if "stacey" wanted space, she would say so. She wasn't one to keep her mouth shut

[talaniman]

I hit her a few times which I am currently in counselling for. But overall she told me I was a great partner and was very sweet unless we argued.

That's all I had to read.

"Hey it's "Stacey" I don't want to be friends k" to which I asked why and her reply was "I think it would be better for me" I

Her mother influences her, and Stacey lets her. Not a good sign toward being independent.

What could have caused her to leave?

Her confusion and her not being ready to cut the apron strings have doomed this relationship, and your actions are not above reproach either, even though you are in therapy, and tried to brush it off as a glitch. I don't think so.
-

Do you think there is a chance she will come back ever?

NO!! Her mother would never allow it and I am sure that its not what she wants either.
-

How can I get over her

Click on the links in my signature for some very good suggestion on what to do when a relationship is over.

[nirvanafannz]

To Talaniman, thanks for the help but I don't think the time I slapped her made this happen. The first time I did it was last year. I slapped her twice in our whole relationship. I admit there is no excuse etc etc. but, why didn't she leave the first time? That's what I don't understand. I do admit also that the reason for this is probably around 90 percent my fault. Most people think it's all because of her mother, because she convinced "stacey" to break up with me once before and said that she didn't like "stacey" staying here. Just, there are some unanswered questions there and there is more that I'm wanting outside opinion on. Thank you once again for yours.

[justcurious55]

Some women take abuse from their partner for years before they finally get fed up and leave.
Now I'm wondering how you tink this is 90% your fault? Clearly the abuse is your fault. But I don't remember reading anything else earlier where you admit your role in her leaving. Did I miss it? What are your other unanswered questions?

[nirvanafannz]

Yeah, you have a point there, just, I know "Stacey" she would have left and please don't give me that "maybe you didn't know her" because maybe I didn't but I'm POSITIVE of she would have left straight after if she really wanted to go. I think it is around 90 percent my fault, at least 90 percent because, I don't know why, I guess because if this was her decision, then I would have had to have done something to cause it. My other unanswered questions can really only be answered by "stacey" except that, does anyone know any statistics of the ex's that come back after NC and the ones that don't/ the likelihood of ex's coming back because I have a mate who just became single and he would like to know so he can decide whether to have hope at least or not.

[talaniman]

You may think that because your in counseling, she is assured you will not abuse her again, but I can bet you, its still in the back of her mind, and her mothers also. Don't just pass over it, because you don't understand it. That messes up any security she has with you, and only adds to the dislike her mother has for you. Be real, what parent would let their child be with an abuser? Concentrate on your own issues, while she works through hers. It takes an awful long time to regain her trust. And you must identify your 90%, and correct it!

[squeaks77]

I stopped reading after you said you hit her. You need to fix yourself before you get into ANY more relationships.

[nirvanafannz]

To Talaniman, I don't think that just because I'm in counselling it's going to assure her at all. I know it's going to take a heck of a lot of time. No, no parent would want their child to be abused in anyway, but no-one actually knows if "stacey" told her mother, so we are just in assumptions here on most things. I am concentrating on my own issues, I just feel sorry for her because it's a bad environment she's in and she believes it's better. I believe I am taking the right steps to correct my issues though and will continue to try and better myself for a very very very long time.

[californiagrl]

First off, seems like a few of the people who have answered aren't really reading the whole story. Yeah, you hit her and that's definitely not a good thing at all but I'm glad to read that it really seems like you're taking steps to correct this behavior. Also you aren't just ignoring this fact but have come out about it and are accepting that you did do some bad things. That definitely shows that you are trying to improve yourself which I find to be very commendable. It's really something you should be proud of.

Now, the feel I got from reading your story is that Stacy's mum played a pretty big role in all of this. It seems to me that her mum has a lot of control over Stacy and that she's using that control to get her way. I don't really know the whole history or anything so I can't say anything for certain but I think that the mum might be forcing this or manipulating Stacy into doing this. I disagree with you saying that this is 90 percent your fault. If anything, it seems to me from what I read, that this is her mother. I understand you got in arguments and probably did some real bad things to her, but if she was that adamant about staying before then it seems that she was willing to look past those things.

I'm actually rather confused about all of this personally. I'd like to offer you more help but I'm not quite sure what to say. As to what caused her to leave, like I said before, it feels like a lot of it has to do with her mother and maybe a bit of impulsive actions from Stacy. I do think that there could be a chance for her to come back, however, I think a lot of that depends on if she is able to overcome the controlling nature of her mother. For how to get over her, I know there are some sites online that if you did a search on Google would probably turn up some really good results. Also, if you write or play music or anything like that that could definitely be a good way of venting all of these feelings. It can also help just to talk things through with a close friend or family member or, of course, on here.

I'm not really sure if any of that was any help to you but I hope there was at least something in there that you could use. I want to say again that I think it's great that you are trying to fix yourself. Just keep your head up and try and do the best you can with all this. I know it's real hard at times but I hope you can make it through.