Originally Posted by
ETWolverine
I have never met a heterosexual person for whom sexual orientation was "the most defining character feature" that he or she possessed. For that matter, I don't even think it is the most defining character feature of every gay person I have met. It certainly is NOT my brother's most defining charater trait... and he happens to be rather active in gay issues, having started an organization dealing with gay issues. But he doesn't wear it on his sleeve.
If being gay is your most defining character trait, that is probably because YOU have made it so.
I am a banker, a father, a husband, a martial arts student, a cantor/singer, a heterosexual, an Orthodox Jew, the son/grandson of Holocaust survivors, short, fat, a political Conservative, a New Yorker, a student of history, a comic book and science fiction fan, with really small feet.
Which of those is my "most defining" character trait?
All of them? None of them? Something else entirely?
Answer: Whichever one I stress at the moment is the "most defining trait" at that moment. And a whole bunch of stuff I didn't list. I define myself. And I constantly change that definition to fit my needs of the moment. ALL of those traits are me.
My brother is a doctor, smart as a whip, athletic, angry, sad, caring, a dog-lover, a good friend, charitable, a gay man, a singer, well-liked and well-loved, respected, respectful, funny, witty, bald as a cue-ball, a great student and an even better teacher, loves to shop, a great cook, and he sometimes drives me crazy.
Which of those is his most defining character trait?
Answer: Whichever one he chooses to stress at the moment is the most defining trait.
You define yourself PRIMARILY as gay, or so you have said. That's your choice. Nobody defined you that way. I'd be willing to bet that 99% of the people you speak to in your life won't even KNOW you are gay unless you go out of your way to tell them. They didn't DEFINE YOU. You defined yourself that way. If that's what's most important to you, fine. If that's how you see yourself, fine.
But it seems kinda boring to only have one "defining" character trait. I think you need to diversify how you define yourself and what you think your "most defining character traits" are. If only to get some variety in your life.
Complex people don't have one "most defining trait". That's what makes them complex, wonderful, and interesting.
You said that if you weren't gay, you'd be a completely different person than you are. And that is likely true.
But that is true of ANY character trait. If I weren't a singer and a cantor, I would be a completely different person, because music and prayer are where I find my spiritual connection. If I weren't a martial arts student or a student of military history, I would be a completely different person, because my perspectives would be different.
And yet, although these character traits are important to me and help shape me, they are NOT how I define myself, except in certain circumstances. I define myself... and that definition changes with circumstance. I choose who I am.
You can too. As often as you want.
Elliot