Sigh... I've never written to one of these things before, but the situation I'm in now is too tough not to look for some objective outside advice...

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24; we've been dating for two and a half years. I love him more than I ever thought I was capable of. I know that he loves me too, and we are very committed to each other.

About a month ago, I was offered, and I accepted, a teaching job an hour away from where he lives. Being in a new town with a new job has been hard for me, and for the first few weeks I called my boyfriend several times a week; we would visit each other on weekends.

Last weekend, after he went back home from visiting me, we had a long phone conversation about our relationship, and he told me he needed space. He said he thought I shouldn't call him during the week anymore, but that we could still visit on the weekends. This was hard for me to accept, but, determined to make things work out, I decided to respect his request and give him all the space he needed.

This weekend, I visited him, and everything started great. We were happy to see each other, we watched a movie together, had some better-than-usual sex, and fell asleep curled up together. Sunday morning, I was checking my email on his computer while I waited for him to wake up, and I found a journal entry he had written. It was one of the most painful things I've ever read.

He mostly wrote about feeling depressed, and he talked about how I was too dependent on him and how he hoped that me not calling him would make things better--all these feelings I already knew about. But the other thing he talked about was an 18-year-old girl he works with. He wrote that he was lonely and was thinking about asking her to a movie, but he didn't think it was a good idea because he knew she liked him and he was attracted to her too. He wrote that he still really loved me, but that he enjoyed being around her because it was fun and new and exciting. He said he hadn't done anything with her, but that it was getting harder for him to stay faithful.

Of course reading this was very upsetting for me. I knew the girl he was talking about, and I knew that they were friends, but it hadn't even occurred to me that they might have other feelings for each other.

There was no way I could just pretend I hadn't read what he had written, so I decided to be honest and tell him what I'd done. He wasn't angry at me for reading his private writing--he even said that what he'd written was something he wanted to talk to me about and he had been too afraid to do it. He told me he was really sorry about the way he felt and that even though he liked the other girl, he loved me too much to leave me for her.

Despite everything he said to comfort me, it hurts so much to think about him having feelings for anyone else--even if he doesn't plan on acting on those feelings. After being with him for two and a half years, I love him too much to decide not to see him anymore, and I want to trust him and believe that things between us will work out.

My question is this: Is it reasonable for me to stick it out and hope for the best? Is this a situation that lots of couples go through and come out stronger afterwards, or is this whole thing just the beginning of the end? I want to be optimistic, but it's hard...

You certainly have cause for concern. When the two of you spent a lot of time together it was easy to stay in love. However, a long distance relationship can take it's toll. During the separation periods each has new found time to evaluate feelings. The fact that you left to go away has given way to new ideas! You can choose to stick it out as you say, however that will not insure your relationship! The fact that your relationship is changing is a relatively new aspect and therefore will require more time to resolve itself. He certainly is experiencing confusion in your absence and only he can work that out. Lack of optimism stems from your awareness that many people go through this and very few come out if it unscathed! Many a Hollywood dream couple called it quits after spending months apart at different filming locations. Many others have left high paying careers to stay with the one they loved. I myself left a 200K business behind to move 2500 miles away with my wife for her career move. We both decided it would be the best thing to do! I think the Most Important issue here right now is that you Both maintain "open and honest communication" and that way at least you will both know how the other feels. At the least whichever way the relationship turns you will mutually have a say in it thereby avoiding any abrupt hurt and emotional stress! It's not over yet so keep in touch and let's see how it moves! I hope it works out for the best!

I totally agree with artistall. I am currently still going through this kind of thing with my boyfriend, we are both 22 and we have also been together for three years, it has worked out so far but I have no idea how long it will continue. The key to it so far has been communication; we talk to each other about what is happening and how we feel. He knows I have the constant niggle at the back of my mind that he might find someone else, we both trust each other a lot, but we both know that there is always a risk. It is our decision to endure this one at the moment, and I would wait for him for a very long time, but things may change in the near future, we don't know.

Whether you try and stick it out is your decision, based on your feelings. You'll find there are a lot of people who go through this, and from experience it is a very very difficult thing to bear. Some come out of it, some don't; all I can advise is that you do your best to facilitate it working out the way you want it, but don't be too clingy, that is as bad as not having enough contact at all, believe me! :-)

Thanks to artistall and saker for their thoughtful responses--both of you said what I think I already kind of knew, but it helps to hear it from someone else. Unfortunately, things just got more complicated...

When I was a senior in high school, I started dating one of my classmates. He was the first guy I've ever fallen in love with and the first guy I ever slept with (my current boyfriend is the second for both). My ex and I dated for a year; the last seven months of that year we lived five hours apart. The distance was what finally broke us up, and it was the most heart-breaking experience I've ever gone through (though the situation with the current boyfriend seems like it could catch up). My ex and I haven't made many efforts to stay in touch during the last four years, but now we live in the same town and have some mutual friends.

Last night I bumped into this ex-boyfriend; we talked for almost an hour and had a really nice conversation. When I got home, my ex had emailed me to say how much he enjoyed talking to me again and how he was sorry we hadn't kept in touch. He also gave me his phone number and IM info and said we should get together sometime, and he thanked me for the conversation.

Given the lack of attention I've received from my current boyfriend, who told me NOT to call him and who I don't think has thanked me for a conversation in months, I was borderline giddy about this attention from my ex. I emailed him back and told him I would love to hang out with him and catch up now that we live so near to each other.

I don't really still have feelings for my ex, not much anyway, and I don't plan on any old flames being rekindled if my ex and I start hanging out with each other. But the whole thing adds a new dimension to the problems I'm having with my current boyfriend because I tell my boyfriend everything! What is he going to think when, two days after I find out about him liking another girl, I've started hanging out with an ex--and not just any ex, but the first guy I ever fell in love with!

I love my boyfriend and don't want to do anything that will hurt him, despite the rough times we've had lately. I know a lot of girls who would be evil about it and tell their boyfriends about hanging out with an ex just to make the boyfriend jealous. I don't want to play any stupid mind games with someone I love so much, and I really don't think he would have anything to worry about with me and my ex anyway.

Now I have some new questions to go along with the first: How should I approach telling my current boyfriend about this? How should I approach telling my ex about my situation with my current boyfriend? How appropriate is it for me to be hanging out with this ex at all? What should I do if I do find myself liking him as more than just a friend?

You need to start looking within yourself for answers! Your life does not revolve around boyfriends or other people. You can't expect to be entirely honest with every detail about your personal life especially with someone who may get his feelings hurt no matter what your arrangement. You need to establish a set of "ground rules" for yourself so that you will always know where you stand concerning relationships. Everyone is entitled to a private life. I think you have a huge field in front of you that you have just begun to explore. There will be many junctures in the future at which you alone will be faced with deciding which way to turn. Some of which you will bring upon yourself and others that will be thrust upon you without any choice on your part. It should be obvious to you that you are about to enter into a situation that can easily turn into a quagmire if you are not careful. Sooner or later you will have to make a choice or risk losing both of your friends. You can't be 100% sure of either friends true feelings or motives at any given time so you will have to rely mostly on how you feel and the "set of ground rules" that I suggested earlier that should never be compromised. People who compromise themselves usually become unhappy later on so ultimately what is most important to you will be the deciding factor. Look in the mirror of your soul and ask yourself "who am I", "What am I doing" and "where am I going?" You may be surprised at the answers. Whatever you do, never burn a candle at both ends! Be true to yourself for you are the only person you know will always be there! It's your call now!