[LittleBlackKat]

I am a 21 year old female who has just gotten over a VERY abusive relationship. I recently moved into another relationship about 1 month ago, and things so far are going downhill.
My new boyfriend has had a past of cheating on 2 women, and I tried not to go by the idea of "Once a cheater always a cheater" and I want to give him a chance, but I don't want to get hurt by putting 100% blind faith in him because he is a "repeat offender" so to speak.
He is getting upset though because we are arguing a LOT lately, and it's mostly because he keeps talking about his other female friends who I'm scared he will turn to for sexual relations.
But he said if I can't grow to trust him, (although he understands I was cheated on before and abused) he's leaving because he can't take arguing every day. Which I totally understand.
What should I do? And how can I trust this man?
Thank you

[talaniman]

Hi Cat, I think you don't worry about him and his issues, but take time without him to resolve your own. I think the anxiety is well founded for a two time cheater myself, since he has yet to prove he is worthy of any trust. Hasn't had the time, or doesn't know how, whatever.

Given your history though, a guy who is a proven liar and cheater is the last thing you need any way. Especially since its obvious that neither of you knows how to work it out any way.

Apart is a good thing. Let the dust settle and enjoy the other parts of your life without him.

[LittleBlackKat]

So I should take a break? I've asked him to, and he doesn't want that though. Believe me, he's spoken well against it but yelling and capitalizing: I DON'T WANT TO GO ON BREAK
And why I asked why, he said: because if we do, there is probably no chance of us getting back together.

[LittleBlackKat]

By* instead of but

[talaniman]

Then you better lay ALL the cards on the table and find a better way of communicating, and a better way of controlling your own fears. I fail to see the point in having any relationship with someone you are scared to trust with someone who doesn't know how to handle your past hurts.

Why does there have to be a exclusive commitment when you can't give it 100% any way. You can step back and regroup, and take a second look when the dust settles can't you?

[southamerica]

I get a feeling that while you say you have just gotten over your last relationship, you're not really "over" it. You're one month into a new relationship (with a guy who seems to be the same "type" as your ex... an entirely different issue) and your insecurities are already causing fights and arguments.

If this guy weren't a proven cheater I would say without a doubt that you're not "over" your ex. Since your concerns could be justifiable with your new boyfriend's history... we have option A: you're not over your ex, or B: your new boyfriend is not trustworthy. You could be dealing with both A and B simultaneously even. Either way I just don't see how staying in this relationship is going to be GOOD for you.

Now with your latest post I'm certain of what you need to do. If you've already asked to take a break and he yells that he doesn't want to AND THEN threatens you with an ultimatum... then you need to turn around and run, not walk, into independence. Stay there for a good long while, too, so you can learn to love yourself and develop standards for what kind of guy gets to enjoy your company. These jerks you're dating are only the beginning of a nasty cycle if you don't take the time now to heal and love yourself.

Take care in whatever you decide to do and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

[LittleBlackKat]

I personally don't think I'm over my ex either. I don't have any positive feelings for him, just hatred. I've been abused MANY times, and I TOLD this current man in my life that I wasn't ready for a relationship. But he coerced me and told me he cares and that he wants me to let go of my ex and what happened, and just trust him.
I'm trying, but I can't, seriously. I don't think I can do anything right now

[southamerica]

I personally don't think I'm over my ex either. I don't have any positive feelings for him, just hatred. I've been abused MANY times, and I TOLD this current man in my life that I wasn't ready for a relationship. But he coerced me and told me he cares and that he wants me to let go of my ex and what happened, and just trust him.
I'm trying, but I can't, seriously. I don't think I can do anything right now

That seals it for me.

You need to get away from this new guy. Now.

He sounds like no good, and you are fragile right now. If he doesn't let you dump him, then just walk away and ignore his calls, messages, everything. It's called No Contact (NC) and it's the best tool for taking your life back. You deserve it. And when you leave him, don't fall into the arms of another guy. Hang out with your friends, get a new hobby, spend time with family, take a class. Just whatever you need to do to stay busy. You will feel so much better down the road.

Please leave this guy, his actions are very concerning. You deserve better. We're always here whenever you need us.

[LittleBlackKat]

What makes his actions very concerning, southamerica? He seems to be clingy, yes, but he told me it was because he loves me and such.

[talaniman]

No body can coerce you into love and trust!

Get to a safe place and tell him to bug off, and stay out of relationships. You have a lot of healing to do on your own, so you can be healthy enough for a healthy relationship.

[southamerica]

What makes his actions very concerning, southamerica? He seems to be clingy, yes, but he told me it was because he loves me and such.

Clingy is a hop, skip and a jump to controlling.

Yelling, ultimatums, and coercion is much more than clingy. It's controlling. "Because I love you so much" is what they always say.

[LittleBlackKat]

Good point... he just seems to threaten me a lot lately.
Last night we had another fight, before I posted this of course,
And this is pretty much how things went down:

Him: If you can't trust me now, and I mean NOW, then I'm out, seriously, I'm out
Me: I'm trying, it's just hard when you keep bringing up those other girls, my ex did that a lot, and how do I know you're not serious as well?

I am trying my best, but I haven't even been with him for a month, and already he wants to meet my parents, make me stay late and eat dinner with his mom and himself, it's just weird...

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to southamerica again.