[abcd12]

I was dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. He was the one who asked to be exclusive right before I left for school again. He prefaced this with the fact that we wasn't a huge fan of long distance (he is graduated from school and 3hrs away) because of a past experience but although logic was telling him otherwise he really wanted to take a chance with me. He treated me so well, he was a perfect gentleman and was really affectionate and I was really attracted to him. And while no one is perfect I really knew he had all the qualities I was looking for in a significant other. He was always very open with how much he liked me.

To be honest, I was a little nervous in the beginning of the relationship. He was my first serious relationship, I knew I liked him, but I was always a little afraid that his feelings for me were much stronger than mine were for him. I also recognized that as a person, it takes me a long time to really let my guard down and get emotionally attached to people - even if its someone I really like. Its just the way I am, and Im trying to work on it so looking back I worry that maybe he might not have understood how much I liked him. While I was having these doubts at the beginning I constantly struggled to with the idea that even though everything between us was perfect, whether there might not be a strong enough spark or if it was just me putting up walls and keeping people out like I have always done in the past. Since I really liked him, and he was such a good guy, I told myself to push through the uncertainties I had and let him in. I had been single for a long time and really felt like it would be a mistake to not work hard at making this work with him.

So I did, and I was really happy with him and he seemed equally happy. If not more so. We never ever fought. He would come down to visit me and I him. And in between that we would talk on the phone. He would always tell me how much he liked me and how much he really missed me. We were able to see each other about every two weeks, then there was a period that I got super busy with school and we weren't able to see each other for about four weeks. Meanwhile we still were talking on the phone etc. It was hard, I missed him but I understood that to be part of the long distance challenge. And I knew there would be times that were like this, but they were temporary. He occasionally would ask me how I felt the distance was going, and I would always respond that it was hard at times but I still really like him and am committed to him. He would always respond with something like "thats good to hear" or something that made me feel that he was more concerned that I was having doubts more than he was.

As soon as I could I at the end of those four weeks I made a trip up to see him. We had a great time, and at this point I felt myself really getting attached to him. And I was really happy about that. The following weekend he came down to see me at school and told me for the past two weeks he's been realizing that his feelings have changed. He said when he realized they were changing he got really depressed about it and tried to ignore them and push through it but they were still there. The thing that hurt the most is that he said he thought being passionate with me and having sex would bring the feelings back, but it just didn't. The only real thing he could attribute it to (or at least all he would verbalize to me) was that because of the distance he started feeling disconnected from me. He said for him, a relationship is all about the experiences you share with other person, and so often he would find himself out with friends wishing I was there to share the experience with him. He didn't blame me for anything. But it didn't change the fact that his feelings had changed and that he didn't feel like it was fair to me to lead me on any longer. He told me he still cares about me, but just not in the same way. He still wants to be friends, but said he is willing to give me the time I need to move on and knows it wouldn't be fair to talk to me right now as it would only confuse me more. He said that whether its two weeks or two years he would understand and still want to hear from me when I was ready. He also said that he doesn't feel like this is good bye forever (one of my fears) because he “knows he'll see me again”.

I was just crushed and completely blindsided. I felt like I had spent all this time working so hard on myself to open up with him and got completely attached, and in a sense he was moving the opposite direction. It was like he felt the way I felt at the beginning of the relationship. He took complete responsibility for not communicating his problems with me early enough and misleading me to think things were perfect when he was having doubts. The fact that even during the breakup he was so sweet to me made it even harder for me to think straight. I still wanted him, and the breakup left me with no real sense of closure as to what happened or why it was over. Other than calling him an hour after we broke up (only then was I able to speak comprehensive sentences) I had no contact with him for a little over a month. On thanksgiving I sent him a short text saying happy holidays and hoping he's well. He responded that he was happy to hear from me and hopes Im enjoying my time at home. And then a week later I chatted briefly with him online just to say hi and see what he was up to but intentionally kept it short. I wasn't over him when I contacted him, but I also tried not to give this away either. I didn't want to pester him. Im still confused because so far he has not made any effort to contact me despite saying he wants to remain friends.

Even though we only dated for 5 months Im still unable to move on from him. I still miss him and think about him everyday. Im so unsure of how to go about things though because I feel as if I still just want to get back with him and that we need more time to figure things out for sure, but I know me calling and saying that would only push him away right now since he said the distance is a problem and I'm still in school meaning the situation hasn't changed much. I want to be able to let both of us have space from each other in hopes that maybe in the future we might be able to work things out again at a different time in life since were so happy while we were together. I also know that I can't always be the one contacting him, and that it's a two way street. But Im also afraid of never hearing from him again if he doesn't take the initiative to contact me. Im not sure if NC will make him forget about me or if it will help give him space and perspective. My emotions were just left in such disrepair after the breakup because I felt like everything up until the moment of break up was a mixed message and that he did really want to be with me and was happy. How can distance make a persons feelings just change? Im not sure if there's hope for the future, and if those feelings could ever come back. And I don't want to make any stupid moves in the meantime that might screw up that chance. Can feelings that were once there ever come back? Please help

[ironhide262]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Long distance relationships are very tough... believe me , I know and you story is somewhat similar to one of mine.

The distance can highten one persons feelings( absence makes the heart grow fonder) while for other people it diminishes their attachment or love. My ex was the latter... she was the type of person that needed me to be around with her. She needed the touch, affection and physical presence of me. While I also desperately wanted to be with her, I knew I could hang in there longer, knowing that she loved me and wanted to be with me was enough for me to gap the 3 weeks before I could see her again. Plus, I knew that we would be together permanently within the year as we discussed we were moving in that direction. But, in the end it was harder for her than me... everyone is different and has their own breaking point.

Many people get back together after being apart and then again many people don't. Who's to know? I often think about my ex's( the good ones), even sometimes miss them and the old feels come trickling in but, only for a moment. I even meet up with them sometimes for coffee and chitchat and once in a while I get little hints dropped my way and I think hmmm... what if? Fact is though, they changed and so have I... it's just not the same. What we had( the good times) really is in the past. So, you see, you are missing what once was... sucks but, that's life. Don't get me wrong, people do bump into each other later in life and rekindle their love but, this is pretty rare I think and not something you should hope for or count on.

I can't really say much to help you except that doing NC is the best thing for you right now. He doesn't seem to be leading you on or playing games with you in any way so that is good. In order to move on you need to give up this feeling of hope for reconciliation. He made his decision and if he wanted to come back he would be banging down your door! Keep yourself busy, do things that will make you happy and time will heal. Take the time you need for yourself and perhaps eventually you will become friends. Best of luck!

[talaniman]

Welcome to the real world of nothing is forever, or guaranteed, and break ups suck.

While its easy to make a commitment to someone we like, its very hard to bond or make plans, or even enjoy getting to know each other in a long distance relationship, especially in the beginning. Its not for everyone.

Lets be clear, break ups suck, especially the first one. More so for the one who gets dumped. But you will recover in time, and understand that distance and time does change feelings, and it hurts when its our partner who has changed. While you were busy with school, he was left behind and maybe not so busy, so of course he didn't like it, but he tried it, and it still didn't work for him.

Don't despair, soon you will realize you have changed yourself, and overcome a few old problems you had in the past, and that's great.

But for now, its just painful, I know. Leave him alone while you rebuild, as he is doing, and do what you were doing before this started, and you will heal much faster, and be less confused while you are healing.

Read the stickies here for some good insights and suggestions on how to cope with your feelings when you are devastated by a break up you really didn't want, nor saw coming.

[abcd12]

Thank you both so much for your responses, they really do help. Im trying to movie on, I am. Or at least get myself to a stronger place right now. Im getting there, but its been hard for me (and I know it is for everyone) because of the way we ended things.

When we decided to break up he told me he still wanted to be friends, and he knows he'll see me again. He sais this is goodbye for now, but not forever. He also told me that the summer we had spent together when we first started dating (and before I left for school to begin the long distance part) was honestly one of the best summers of his life. And he stressed how truthful he was being about that. He cared about me as a person, but just in a different way than before (meaning romantically). He said he can't predict what might happen in the future between us, and we should not worry about that because what will happen will happen. But he also said, for what its worth, he does hope I end up in the city where he lives after I graduate.

I am able to accept that the relationship was not working for him right now. And that's why Im trying my best to maintain NC and not pressure him from here on out. But from everything he told me, it leads me to believe that he would still want to maintain some level of communication. Even a friendship at best. And I really haven't had any contat with him that hasn't been initiated by myself. It was understood that the first contact between us would be in my court since I was the one that need time to move on and be okay, but I feel like I have made that move. And each time we talked briefly, he was happy to hear from me, but never made any indication that he was ready for anything more at the moment. Its been about a 1.5 months since we broke up. He really is a good person and I want to believe all the things he told me when we broke up, but because I haven't heard from him yet it makes me wonder if he was just saying those things to be nice. Now Im just left wondering if I can ever expect to hear from him again without having to contact him first. And if it would ever be appropriate for me to try and contact him again after this.. after much time has past or after I graduate?

[talaniman]

It was understood that the first contact between us would be in my court since I was the one that need time to move on and be okay, but I feel like I have made that move.

Lets be honest here, NO YOU HAVE NOT moved on with your life, and are okay with it! As long as you are hoping he changes his mind, and renews this relationship, you have not moved on. Not in a month, and a half, maybe not even in 6 months, or a year.

He broke up with you as gently as possible, and many of us have heard the same things he has told you. It hurts a lot to hear that, but you really do have to leave him completely alone, and do your own thing without him. Sorry but the healing process is a lot harder than waiting for another chance to get together, and it doesn't work while you are holding out hope waiting for the right time to call him, and get back what you had.

Read the stickies and do your NC the right way so you can eventually move on and be okay, because for now, you are courting more misery and pain, and NOT a proper healing. Yes, leave him alone until you graduate, and see how you both feel then. But don't hold your breath hoping he won't meet someone, and you should be open to more options, and opportunities for romance yourself, AFTER you have healed.

We have all gone through this, some more than others. You will survive as have we all, and be better and happier for the experience. You're a young adult, and have to deal with reality, and your own feelings in mature ways, or else you will find plenty of misery of your own making.

Growing pains are tough, even for us old adults, but acceptance will start you on a proper healing path.