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aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 04:28 AM

My girlfriend of 5 and half years broke up with me two weeks ago after we had a fight. She says that she just can't do it anymore and that she can't see herself getting married to me so what's the point The thing that hurts most is how sudden a change it was. I thought we were very happy just a week before. In fact, just a few days before the fight, we were listening to the radio and telling each other which songs we would have at our wedding. During the first week after the break up, I did many of the common mistakes which others have spoken about on this site (ie. Calling, begging, telling her I'll wait for her) but finally decided to pull myself together on Saturday and called her to tell her that I would give her all the space and time she needs and started no contact from there. I figured I'd give her a month of NC, and then give her a call to see how she is going and take it from there. My question is what are the realistic chances of getting back together? This is our first break and I love her dearly. I used to think that our relationship would survive anything but the harsh reality of life is starting to set in now. I have spoken to my friends and they tell me that it is normal for couples in long term relationships to have a break. So now I'm just feeling really confused. Should I just try to write off the relationship in my mind or hang on in there for the one month of NC? I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again.

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 04:46 AM

It sounds like there was lack of communication for her to say she
"just can't do it anymore." This came out of nowhere for you? It sounds like something was really bothering her and she didn't bother to tell you. Give her space. When she's ready, if she's ready she'll talk to you. For now just do your own thing. Hang out with friends, take up a new hobby. Just keep occupied.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 04:49 AM

Also, if she does call me during the NC period and wants to meet up, should I go? Should I even answer the call?

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 04:55 AM

You guys were together a long time. I typically say no, don't answer the phone or talk to her, but for your case I would say to talk to her if she happens to call. If she calls you two can get to the bottom of the reason she broke up with you so suddenly you might be able to save the relationship, but it sounds like you guys would really need to work on communication if you were to get back together.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 04:56 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

It sounds like there was lack of communication for her to say she
"just can't do it anymore." This came out of nowhere for you? It sounds like something was really bothering her and she didn't bother to tell you. Give her space. When she's ready, if she's ready she'll talk to you. For now just do your own thing. Hang out with friends, take up a new hobby. Just keep occupied.

Whenever we would have a fight, I would run away and go to my parents house instead of talking about it with her. I think this is what she meants by she "can't do this anymore"

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:00 AM

Yeah, to be honest that would do it for me too. In a relationship it's important to work on problems rather than run away from them. When you run away you're not dealing with them, they're still there.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:00 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

You guys were together a long time. I typically say no, don't answer the phone or talk to her, but for your case I would say to go ahead and talk to her if she happens to call. If she calls you two can get to the bottom of the reason she broke up with you so suddenly you might be able to save the relationship, but it sounds like you guys would really need to work on communication if you were to get back together.

I do realise now that communication was a problem in our relationship. Also another big problem was that I got complacent and started taking her for granted. In fact I've thought about it a lot and do realise what caused the breakup but I honestly believe that our problems can be fixed and are pretty normal for any couple. Its just so confusing at the moment because from all the posts I read, it feels like once there's a problem a relationship is most likely over. If that is the case, it does really shatter my belief in true love, and that true love does come with its up s and downs along the way.

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:10 AM

I think the important thing is to give her time to think about things. At this point, she's the one that's going to have to initiate contact if she wants to talk. In the meantime you can talk to us on here. We can help you through the hard times.

I can tell you from personal experience, I was with a guy for over 4 years, and he completely took me for granted. I'm not saying you are anything like my ex, but he actually told me at one point that he didn't have to try anymore because I was stuck with him. We were engaged, we certainly weren't married. I think after he said that in my mind I was slowly drifting away and by the time I broke up with him I was already pretty much over him. There was no reason to look back.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:15 AM

Thanks for the advice Zoe. The only thing that worries me about this site is that from the posts on here, it feels like there's no chance of fixing anything after a breakup. I mean, I certainly don't believe that there are any couples out there who don't go through some of the stuff people on here (and myself) have gone through and continued to love each other till old age.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:18 AM

Also, I've been thinking a lot about how we could fix our problems lately and was thinking of suggesting that we go to "couples therapy" if she does call me. I really want to work on this relationship and honestly do think that we can fix this. Any thoughts on this?

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:30 AM

We don't want to give anyone on here false hope because that's counter-productive.

How old were you two when you got together? At what point did you feel like you started taking her for granted? I guess I'm just trying to get a better idea of what you're going through.

Romefalls19 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:33 AM

Age of you two is going to play a big factor of the advice I give to you. Please post the ages of you two and I will try to give you some sound advice.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:36 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

We don't want to give anyone on here false hope because that's counter-productive.

How old were you two when you got together? At what point did you feel like you started taking her for granted? I guess I'm just trying to get a better idea of what you're going through.

We were both 18 (turning 19) when we got together. I moved to a different city for a job nearly two years ago, and she moved up with me. After six months, she got accepted to do her masters back in our home town so she decided to move back. About a year later (6 months ago), I moved back to our home town and the job was killing me and I wanted to be back with her. When I got back, we moved in together and I think that's when I started taking her for granted. I think the job I took up in Sydney was a main cause of the strain, as it was a very high stress job (stock trading) and I was always grumpy and tired after work and it took me time to recover from this even when I got back to my home town.

ZoeMarie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:42 AM

That's kind of what I thought. People will change a lot during the years between high school and finishing up with college.

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 07:04 AM

So her brother just messaged me over the internet. Apparently she is really missing me, but she has also said she is happy with what she is doing because she is more carefree. He thinks that I should give her a call this weekend, which would be about 10 days of NC. I was thinking of doing it for a month before I made a call. Not really sure what to do now, I don't want to call too early, but I also don't want to leave it too late. Any advice much appreiciated!

kctiger · Jun 22, 2009, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by aa2803

So her brother just messaged me over the internet. Apparently she is really missing me, but she has also said she is happy with what she is doing cos she is more carefree. He thinks that I should give her a call this weekend, which would be about 10 days of NC. I was thinking of doing it for a month before I made a call. Not really sure what to do now, I don't want to call too early, but I also don't want to leave it too late. Any advice much appreiciated!

My advice would be to wait until she contacts you... IF she contacts you. Don't chase my friend. Enjoy life and if she wants to find you, she will.

And I am just curious, who told you a month of NC? Where did you get that from?

aa2803 · Jun 22, 2009, 07:19 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

My advice would be to wait until she contacts you...IF she contacts you. Don't chase my friend. Enjoy life and if she wants to find you, she will.

And I am just curious, who told you a month of NC? Where did you get that from?

Yea that's what I think I will do. Just advice from all my friends, most say 1-2 months break. Other sites on the internet say at least a month as well.

kctiger · Jun 22, 2009, 07:20 AM

You do your thing, and she can find you if she wants. Life doesn't stop because of her, with her, or without her!

Carry on my friend!

anewday · Jun 22, 2009, 11:51 AM

Different things work for different people. I know of people who stayed in contact during their breakup and got back together. But at the end of day, it's down to how much that the opposite party wants to save it. If you call after a month/2 months then she might have already moved on. If you call her before that then she might find it intrusive.
No matter how stubborn someone is, if they want to save it, then they'll reach out to you. You just have to use the time in between to heal & improve yourself! If they don't get back in contact, then you have to accept it, but at least you've used that time to better yourself for your future instead of wasting it on worrying and being listless.

talaniman · Jun 22, 2009, 04:05 PM

I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again.

I think she misses you, but wants her freedom, because she is not the young teen ager you got together with. You can't fix things without help, so leave her alone, and do your own thing without her, and let her do hers. I think it's a mistake to wait for someone to make decisions for you, so make your own right now. Would have, could have, should have, is a game for losers, don't play it.

See how YOU feel in a month, but no way, do I contact someone who dumped me instead of talking things through. Maybe she needed a break, maybe not, its no longer your concern is it?

Hey you tried begging, it didn't work and seldom does. Crawling back with out a definite invitation won't either, no matter how you feel about it.

Interesting she chose to run home like you have done before. Your both still young, and immature, and need to focus on yourselves, and your future, and not each other.