[cassicat4]

My live-in boyfriend is a sulker. He has a lot of unresolved issues with his ex whom he feels hurt him deeply and ruined his life. Anyway, every time we fight, when he looks at me, or hears what I have to say, he hears and sees her, and reacts. He refuses to ever talk about the fight, or talk it out like adults. Instead, he gets angry then flat out refuses to speak to me, come near me, sleep in the same bed as me, make eye contact with me, or anything. He's also not someone who gets better after a good night's sleep, he analyzes it, lets it fester and burn him from the inside, and he's even angrier the next day. The first time he did this, he just glared at me, stomped downstairs, and said "don't follow me" then slept downstairs for 3 days in the basement suite he rents from me. He tossed all my stuff upstairs and made sure I couldn't make any contact with him. He wouldn't talk to me, answer my calls, respond to my emails, or anything. If I tried contacting him or came near him, he got very angry with me, told me I'm not "respecting the distance". I was terrified he was going to break up with me. Since then, it's happened on a less severe basis where he's gotten over it in a few hours or a day, so I guess I'm getting used to it. However, it happened again 4 days ago and this time it's really hurting. He packed up all of his stuff, and I mean everything, even the things he never uses but he owns, and moved downstairs. I begged, pleaded, just tell me what's wrong, why are you doing this, what did I do?? I want to resolve this, and he said there's nothing to resolve. He wouldn't tell me anything, just told me not to talk to him, touch him, look at him, and get out. He stormed out of the house and came back sometime later, but refuses to see me or talk to me or even look at me. I can't go in the basement because that's his place, and if I do go there, if I "violate" that space, I think he'd move out. I thought he was coming around 3 nights ago because he was kind of talking to me about work but after ever sentence, he said "i hate you." I said no you don't, and he said he does. This happened several times. He said it like an aside, and I don't know why. The night we had our fight, we'd been having a great time together, he even told me how happy he was with me and that he loves me. And now this happened. I'm terrified that this time he's going to break up with me, or move out, or both, because it's never been this bad before. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days, and the only correspondence I received from him was an email he sent to me that said "i will be driving myself around and will not be eating meals with you. This will be the arrangement for an undetermined amount of time." I feel absolutely devastated, I love him so much, we are so compatible, he's my best friend, we do everything together. I don't want this to end. I have no idea what he's doing, or why he's doing it. If this is his way of asking for space, I don't know why it's so extreme. How do I know?? Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do? I was planning on waiting for a week before I try approaching him, although I have no idea what to say or how to say it so I don't push him away. I know not to talk about the fight, just talk about everyday normal things... but if he's not ready, it'll just make things worse. The hardest part is that he sent me a point blank email today that just said "find my appt notice, i need it" for an appt he has 3 weeks from today! Is he giving me a hint? I'm scared to death, and don't know what to do. I hate that he does this to me, to us, and the reason I stay with him is because when he's not like this, he's an amazing person. That's why I stay, and why I want to be with him... I just need to know how to deal with this, what he's thinking/doing, how do I go about winning him back?
As a prelude to this... the past couple weeks leading up to this fight, he's been super stressed about work, his ex, life in general, and has become very hateful. I think with this last fight he saw me as his ex. He told me I had "crossed a line." I have no idea what's going on or what to do... please help!

[spitvenom]

I have a question Why would you not want this to end? He sulks stomps around doesn't talk to you. My 9 year old cousin does the same thing when he is mad.

[liz28]

He have a lot of unresolved issues that can only be sorting out through counseling. You can't help him.

He have a lot of emotional baggage and this is a red flag why you couldn't have never got involved with him.

Your way better off without him and this isn't love, maybe one-sided love.

[artlady]

If he is still stressing about an ex then he is still emotionally attached to her and can't give you what you should have in a relationship,someone who is 100% committed.

Regardless of his reasoning,let him have his space.Try not to read into what his actions may or may not mean ,it is an exercise in futility.You simply can't know what someone is thinking.

He is behaving immaturely and his inability to communicate will always be a problem unless you both make moves to fix it.

You should not forgive or forget without some serious conversation.

I assume that you usually just give in to his hissy fits and when its over ,its over,without any communication or actual work on solving the issues.

You are most likely just relieved to have him back so the real issue and the lack of communication goes unchecked.

Until you make it clear that you won't tolerate this childish behavior and until he understands that being in a adult relationship requires work and communication,you will have more of the same.

Let him stew and when he wants to come back to you,tell him the condition is that you talk things out!

[cassicat4]

That all makes sense. Now do I wait until he comes back to me, or can I make the first move? Is he breaking up with me, or is he just needing space? It hurts so much, especially because he lives downstairs and we're both home at the same time and I can't do or say anything to him, or go see him or anything. I don't know which way to lean... to grieve because it's likely over, or to just wait because it's likely not, but be prepared to talk for when he comes back. I have no idea what to do. I don't understand men, so I don't understand why he's doing this. In his mind, does he honestly expect I'll just leave him alone and then take him back when he's done his fit, so that's why he's OK doing it??

[liz28]

It is over! Why do you what to even consider being with someone that treats you so poorly? Don't you think you deserve better? If you really think what you had with him is love I would love to hear your definition of that word?

There is a heavy supply of men out there and you don't need a man to validate who you are. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Also, you should really higher your standards when it comes to guys and stop dealing with guys who treat you lower than dirt.

You said you and this is compatible, however, I don't see it. You said this guy is your best friend but with a friend like this who need enemies.

[artlady]

That all makes sense. Now do i wait til he comes back to me, or can i make the first move? Is he breaking up with me, or is he just needing space? It hurts so much, especially because he lives downstairs and we're both home at the same time and i can't do or say anything to him, or go see him or anything. I don't know which way to lean...to grieve because it's likely over, or to just wait because it's likely not, but be prepared to talk for when he comes back. I have no idea what to do. I don't understand men, so i don't understand why he's doing this. In his mind, does he honestly expect i'll just leave him alone and then take him back when he's done his fit, so that's why he's ok doing it???

He is most likely doing this because every time he does he comes back when he feels like it and you allow it.You have allowed him to treat you like crap and not communicate and I fail to see what is so worthy of clinging to.

Alone and content is better than being in a lousy relationship with an immature guy who shows you no respect and is still hung up on his ex.

I know it hurts my dear but you can heal from this hurt.
If you take him back ,it will just be more of the same.The hurt will continue.

You need to rethink this relationship and decide what it is that you can't live without.There are good men out there and they will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

He is expecting you to baby him again. If I were you I would prepare for a break up because I would be the one initiating it.

Honor yourself and don't ever allow anyone to do otherwise to you.

[Gemini54]

People who sulk in this way use it to control their partners. It's a passive-aggressive form of behavior, because it elicits a reaction from you.

This behavior is nothing to do with an ex GF - that's just an excuse. In reality he is immature, manipulative and controlling. He knows he's getting a great reaction - you're running around like a terrified teenager. Don't kid yourself - best friends do not treat each other in this way, nor do couples that are compatible or in love.

Call his bluff. He doesn't want contact? Give it to him. Ignore him completely.

Get on with your life, go out with friends, in fact why not invite them over for a party while he's sulking in the basement. Do not put up with this childish tantrum. If you continue to do so you will NEVER break his pattern and he will only get worse.

I'd also be talking to a counsellor - why are you so scared of breaking up with such a p***k?

[cassicat4]

I made a mistake with him that I never wanted to make with anyone... I invested more in the relationship than I'm willing to lose. He is my best friend... we did everything together, spent almost all of our time together, everything. We have so much fun together because there's nothing we can't do. Now there's nothing I can do that doesn't remind me of him, nothing I can see, no where I can go, so that's why this is so devastating for me. I honestly thought the good times outweighed the bad, and that this was going to be for life.
I have no desire or motivation to leave the house, make an effort on my appearance, eat, live or anything. It's not healthy, but I don't know how to force myself to do anything different, or do anything that doesn't bring back incredibly painful memories of him. Unfortunately, this happened at holiday time around here, and all of my friends are away for awhile. So I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can on my own. He was my world, and now that's been taken away, so I feel empty, hollow. And that's ultimately why I don't want to let him go. Even though everyone is right, I shouldn't stay. I just don't know how to leave.

[Gemini54]

I hear that you're really down at the moment, but it's really not healthy to make someone 'your world'. It's like putting all your investments in the one portfolio and losing it on the stockmarket. Sadly you've learnt this the hard way.

It's also not healthy to have a relationship with someone as controlling and negative as your BF sounds. In the end the negativity attaches itself to you and brings you down as well.

You've had a double whammy so no wonder you feel so awful. Try and get out of the house - have a shower, put on some nice clothes, even if you don't feel like it. Visit your family and speak to some people so that you're not just listening to your own thoughts.

The important thing is not to get caught up in his manipulation of you. Are you able to ask him to leave?

[cassicat4]

I know, you're right, about all of it, and this is the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.
Yesterday I thought I was making progress... I was sitting by myself and thinking, and was able to get angry at him for what he's doing, really angry, so I had a few hours of "screw you, you jerk, i deserve better." But now this morning I woke up and I don't have the will to do anything but sit and cry. Weekend mornings used to be so special for us and now they're gone, and this is my first weekend without him and it hurts so much. I've tried calling my family but they're not around today. I don't know what's happened to me, I used to have so many ambitions when I was with him and we were just spending the day apart, such as reorganizing my house, working on a distance learning course I'm enrolled in, remodelling a spare bedroom... now I just don't care. None of it matters. I think part of the reason I had those ambitions in the first place was because I knew he'd be proud of me for them. Now there's no point. Aghhh I can't do this.

[talaniman]

Evict the bum and do what you were going to do and be proud of yourself. Its really just you taking control back of your own life.

Handle your business, and grieve, cry, an heal later. I can see why his ex ran for the hills. So can you.

[cassicat4]

I'll try. It hasn't been a week yet since this all happened, but I want it to be over now. I've also been wondering... will guys who live with their gfs sometimes just stay out of convenience? As in, because the rent is good, it's in a great location, I own all the electronics, we have a dog together, etc... will guys stay in a relationship they're unhappy with just for the fringe benefits? Or would that not matter, they'd just leave and worry about it later? I guess ultimately none of that matters in terms of my decision... I just want to know if I've been made a fool of for a long time.

[liz28]

Only your free loaders do. A real man knows when to walk away and knows how to stand on their own two feet. Also, people will only do what you allow them to. So people only take advantage of you if they see they can.

You have to learn to parts ways with someone and not just settle because you want someone. If a guy is no good then guess what? Their no good! There is no sense in holding on to something when it isn't worth while.

Love yourself more than you love someone else because once you love yourself you wouldn't tolerant anyone bs. You can do bad by yourself--remember this.

All guys aren't like the loser your dealing with now. Personally I've no time for losers let them find another loser to mess with.

[cassicat4]

How do I know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go? I'm not very experienced with them, I've only ever had long-termers... but I remember reading somewhere (it may have been on this site) that you have to make a list of pros and cons, and when the pros outweigh the cons by 4 to 1, it may be worth keeping. I'd like to think that's the case, but I'm thinking I might be deluded because I'm still in shock and grieving. So maybe the good times aren't as good as I'm remembering, or maybe the bad times are more frequent than what I remember. Or does it really only take a couple of bad incidents regardless of the good times if they treat you bad enough? I'm really bad at this. :p

[talaniman]

How do I know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go?

When he lives in your basement, and resorts to unhealthy childish ways to express himself, instead of communicating honestly, and working with you to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

He ain't doing that, evict the big baby. He is not a healthy partner, so the relationship cannot be healthy.

... will guys stay in a relationship they're unhappy with just for the fringe benefits?

YES!! If you let them.

[cassicat4]

How do you get closure and begin to move on, and learn from the experience, when you have no idea why they ended it with you in the first place? :( Every time we've had a fight... he's refused to tell me why he's so angry with me, what I did wrong, anything like that, so I'm left guessing as to what it could be, and most of the time I never figure it out but he eventually gets over but still never tells me. I want to break NC just to ask him why?? He has nothing to lose now... just tell me! :(

[susangpyp]

It's time to get YOU back in your life. This guy really sounds like a jerk with the sulking and the bad behavior. Even if he's amazing when he's not doing this, the point is that he DOES this and it's childlike and stupid behavior.

Go places by yourself. Join some social groups. Join a book club, go to meetup.com and see what groups are in your area. Take classes, go to the gym, join a sports group... find something to do separate and apart from him. It might be hard but it's something you have GOT to do otherwise you are going to be tethered to this bonehead forever.

He really sounds like a big baby and you deserve better. And when you get into another relationship, do not (I repeat, DO NOT) lose yourself again!

Be good to you!

[susangpyp]

How do you get closure and begin to move on, and learn from the experience, when you have no idea why they ended it with you in the first place? :( Every time we've had a fight...he's refused to tell me why he's so angry with me, what i did wrong, anything like that, so i'm left guessing as to what it could be, and most of the time i never figure it out but he eventually gets over but still never tells me. I want to break NC just to ask him why??? He has nothing to lose now...just tell me! :(

Closure comes from inside you. You don't need to know anything from him. You can inventory your own behavior and work on anything that YOU don't like. It's not up to him to decide what YOU need to change. He could be all wrong about this.

The closure you are seeking can only come from you. Don't give your power away to someone else. Who cares what he's so mad about? Apparently he's just mad otherwise he'd had given you opportunities to change things.

Oh he sounds like such a BRAT!!

[cassicat4]

Thanks Susan, and everyone else who's posted replies on here. It's so hard (as most of you know) and I've never had to deal with this before, and it feels like my heart was ripped from my body. He could've died and it would've been easier to deal with. The only thing he's ever said about any of our fights is that I reminded him of his ex, who's an ex for a reason. He cannot let go of what she did to him, so every time we fight, I think if I defend myself the same way she did, or reacted the same way she did, he sees me as her, and freaks. Goes incommunicado into his "man cave" as he calls it so I can't "hurt him anymore." Then when he comes out he says I broke a lot of trust with him. How?? When you won't even tell me what I did?? This is looking to be the same thing, but I can't do this anymore. And I think everyone is right, he's doing this because he can, because I let him, because he knows (or thought he knew) that after he has his sulking hissy fit and feels like coming back, that I'll take him back, unconditionally. But because of what he went through with his ex, it's like in his mind he feels justified doing all this. That he has the right to act this way. Because every fight, regardless of severity of it, his reaction has gotten a little more extreme. It's been a progression. I wonder if it's a test? He had a mini tantrum a few weeks ago and I just ignored him and did my own thing. The next day when he was feeling better, he actually said that my reaction to his tantum was a "test" to see how I'd react. To see whether I'd act like his ex or not. Is that what all this crap is?? One big test?? Aggghhh. I hate him for doing this to me, for doing this to us. I really thought this was something, that we had something that would last. :(