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CountDuckula · Jun 23, 2008, 09:33 AM

I have never broken up with anyone before. I am 25 and have had only one long and meaningful relationship before my current one and she broke up with me. Anyway, I knew this girl a year before we started dating and this August it will be 2 years dating. We moved in this past May. We are talking about getting married and buying a house but lately I am having second thoughts. Things have changed a lot since we first started dating. Things have rapidly become complacent. I have always tried to dress nice and look clean but she has gained a little weight and always wears the same loose clothes now. I don't care about weight but it seems like she does not care about her appearance anymore when I still try to look decent at least. There are more important things like the little things that I used to find cute are annoying now. There were things about her that I knew about before we started dating and I thought would change but now I see that they are not going to. Plus, her family likes to party loud, drink and smoke while my family is more reserved and does not get loaded at parties very often. I am laid back and quiet while her whole family is loud and I don't think I fit in very well. My family and hers have never met but I doubt it would go well.

So we moved in and bought a new couch, coffee table, end tables, and dining room table and that is the stickler. We still have about 9 months on the lease and all this furniture we bought together. I have never broke up with someone at this stage in a relationship so I don't know how to divide up the funiture and move out. Plus, I am not 100% sure I want to split. There are times when I am just fed up and times when we have a great time together. She is very committed to me and very excited to spend her life with me. I know she cares a lot for me and I am not sure if I match her feelings 100%. How can I handle this? If I do decide to end it, how do I go about dividing things and moving out?

bigbird213 · Jun 23, 2008, 09:36 AM

Since you didn't mention it, I will..

COMMUNICATE with her. Talk to her about how you are feeling. Who says it is something you can't work through. Nothing serious has happened, you just seem bored with the relationship.

I think that needs to be done before discussing how you are going to divide up your belongings...

Don't be so eager to throw it away...

CountDuckula · Jun 23, 2008, 09:46 AM

I did not mention this but she has said before that she wants to get married before she is 30 and she is 27 right now. She has said that she does not want to mess around with someone that does not want to be with her. If I did talk to her about she would want to end it right there. As soon as I mention doubt she will not be too willing to talk things through. She spent nearly 7 years with some guy right before dating me and does not want to throw any more time away. This is what she tells me so that is why I have not talked to her yet.

bigbird213 · Jun 23, 2008, 09:49 AM

If she is really that opposed to talking it out and working out problems then it doesn't seem like there is much hope. I don't know how she will ever plan on being married without the intention of working through problems.

I would still suggest talking to her. If she decides she wants to end it right there, then the decision is no longer yours. I find it hard to believe that if she loves you as much as you say, that she wouldn't consider talking and working it out.

If she won't, you really only have one option left - leave her.

0rphan · Jun 23, 2008, 11:31 AM

Hi count,

She say's she wants to be married by 30, it doesn't mean... YOU have to
.
What's the rush, marriage is a big decision, it seems that no sooner have you been living together, which takes some getting used to, that she now wants to be married... STOP

All to quick, I think you are panicking, feeling pushed into things, that you do not and are not ready for just yet, after all you are only 25 and by your own admission not seen much of life before this current girl friend.

I think you feel pressured by this relationship which is unnecessary, both of you should be enjoying what you have together and see what developes.

If it's marriage then it will feel the most natural thing to do, not a burden which is how you descibe it now... her, her family, your family, they won't get on, drinking etc...

First you must decide what YOU want, then speak to your girl friend about your decision and take it from there...

Honesty is the best policy

JBeaucaire · Jun 23, 2008, 12:56 PM

You can't let her make the decision for you to stay by you doing it to avoid an uncomfortable discussion about truth.

You CAN let her make the decision for you, but that means you've already decided to stay because you know that's what she wants.

MOving in together always makes this stuff harder, doesn't it? If you two never did that, maybe she would never had gotten complacent about her looks. Seriously. Complacency is a natural stage in marriage, and you're going through it now without having ever gotten married. Ugh

That's unfortunate. Married, you'd be in a better position to hurt her feelings without losing her (if that were your goal) since your relationship is committed above all the issues. You two don't have the security, so everything is still all dramatic and icky.

Oh well, you still have to be honest. You know that, too. Why don't you decide WHAT exactly it is you want?

DO you want her to lose the weight and be more wifely, or
Do you want to move on?

Until you can state simply what you want/need, you can't do anything. Once you know, you tell her in the most loving way you can without taking the truth out of it. Then you live with the fallout. That's what grownups do.

Let us know.

talaniman · Jun 23, 2008, 07:37 PM

For whatever reason you have not been honest with your partner, do so NOW, everything else will be worked out later.

CountDuckula · Jun 25, 2008, 10:52 AM

Thanks for all the great advice. I think I know what the right thing to do is but I am just so hesitant to break her heart. But you are right that it is better now than later. Like I said, I never broke up with anyone that I have had a long relationship with. I think I just need to sit down and be honest with her. It is not fair to her to spend time with me when I am not sure what I want right now. Deep down I know we had a good time dating but I don't think she is the one I want to be with the rest of my life. I have only dated a few girls so I think I need to date around to see what is out there. I had a high school sweetheart and we dated for just over 5 years and she broke it off. Then I was single for a little until I met my current girlfriend and now all this is going on. Like I said, I think I know what to do but I am just dreading it. It will not be pretty and I will feel aweful.