[Alison_Y]

4 months ago, my 55 years old boyfriend of 6 years, said that he met a girl (temporary visa) and broke up with me. The intension of the girl is very obvious. We never have any big argument. I know he still has feeling with me so I have been begging and dragging for 3 months (to remind him how much in common we are and how good I am). There was once he told me he will come back with me.
But I started to lose hope and I felt like I am pushing him further away. Two weeks ago I met him the last time, telling him I am depressed, said goodbye and left. I stopped contacting him on that day on.
Right after that day, instead of me texting him, he started to text me everyday. Most of them are good day messages. A couple of days ago, he said he thinks of me and miss me everyday. But he still sees the girl.
Should I contact him now?

[smoothy]

No. Why do you ask... because it might happen the next time the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.

Is it certain to happen... nope. Just that it might. Also just a guess because without knowing all the reasons he had... its hard to say how likely it might be or not.

If it was only a few days or a couple weeks...I might say yes...he saw his stupidity quickly...but after 3 + months....that's in the you made you bed now sleep in it territory.

[Alison_Y]

No. Why do you ask... because it might happen the next time the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.

Is it certain to happen... nope. Just that it might. Also just a guess because without knowing all the reasons he had... its hard to say how likely it might be or not.

If it was only a few days or a couple weeks...I might say yes...he saw his stupidity quickly...but after 3 + months....that's in the you made you bed now sleep in it territory.

Hi Smoothy,

Thanks for your reply.

If I get him back, I am pretty confident it will not happen again.


There were some misunderstandings between us. I will blame language barrier. On the break-up night, we talked the whole night long and he said he regretted not to communicate earlier. And it would take some time to break the other relationship. But obviously, the other girl will not let go that easily and he is waddling between the fantasy world and reality.


At the moment, I am worried about if I don't reply him at all, he will give up on me. When should I contact him again? Should I still stick with 30 days? I think mine is a bit different because he is texting me everyday.

[Fr_Chuck]

Why would it not happen again, he did it once, and came back, so there was nothing to lose. Just go out to play and he can come back. Not sure even why you would want him back. But anyone you have to "beg" lowers yourself and is not worth it.

[talaniman]

I fully understand your hurt feelings at losing a 6 year relationship to a younger girl, but you should not allow those feelings to keep you stuck on false hope he comes back to you, and this can fix things. It will not, because he just keeps the door to your heart open just in case this young girl doesn't work out, or when he tires of her the way he got tired of YOU.

Not only should you never contact him at all, you should stop him from contacting you in any form or fashion. In this way you can heal and regain some dignity and self respect and reclaim your heart from one that has betrayed you. Then you can end the insanity of the past 3 months and move forward with your life.

[DoulaLC]

Sadly, if he was truly done with the other relationship, he would be done with it. No doubt he does miss you and aspects of your relationship, you were together for 6 years, but, as was said, if he wanted to stay in a relationship with you, he wouldn't have started the other in the first place, or he would have at least ended it quickly when he realized that he messed up, and be apologizing and asking you to take him back.

Consider it a relationship that simply ran its course and now you allow yourself time to grieve, heal, and move on. You have learned that while you may always care about him, or even love him in some ways, he is not the best partner for you. Never beg, or try to persuade, a man to be with you or come back to you.

[smoothy]

Hi Smoothy,

Thanks for your reply.

If I get him back, I am pretty confident it will not happen again.


There were some misunderstandings between us. I will blame language barrier. On the break-up night, we talked the whole night long and he said he regretted not to communicate earlier. And it would take some time to break the other relationship. But obviously, the other girl will not let go that easily and he is waddling between the fantasy world and reality.


At the moment, I am worried about if I don't reply him at all, he will give up on me. When should I contact him again? Should I still stick with 30 days? I think mine is a bit different because he is texting me everyday.

This is a choice you have to make because you are going to have to live with it... whichever it is.

Personally... I view forgiveness like a perishable item... the longer time passes the less you want it back and at some point its just flat out spoiled.

Key thing is will you ever forgive and truly move on... or will you feel a need at every disagreement to bring it back up? There is saying you will forgive him... and truly forgiving him. If he will deserve forgiveness or not? That's the great unknown. He might, or he might not. Since it took three months for him to "see the light" tells me more like the relationship soured for other reasons and he's trying to get back where he left off like nothing happened.

In other words he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

[Alison_Y]

Hi smoothy,
I think I am old enough (52) to forsee I will truly forgive him.
We have kids from our previous marriage. He used to stay with me half of the time. A year ago, he told me his youngest son had some emotional issue and he needed to go back home more often. I couldn't say no, can I?
We have a lot of things in common which is one of the reasons I don't want to just walk away from it.
I think our relationship is just a normal one, the very good first couple of years, and you got used to it, an life became a lot more routine/boring. The last year was a bit more quiet, which I thought it is normal. Since we don't have our own child, there are just limited things we can talk.
Then 4 months ago, he told me he met this girl and would like to break up with me. He said he felt like he is not attracted to me anymore and feared I will leave him so he moved on. He is the type of person who will not argue and it is very hard to find out what bother him.
I am not sure if he is still struggling or not, but the I know the tempation of a young girl is very hard to resist.
What is my chance of getting him back?

[DoulaLC]

If the two of you decide to get back together, and it has to be something that you both want, consider counseling. If you and he are able to be open with each other, and share concerns, feelings, etc, great, but many couples do not learn how to communicate well.

You can forgive, and relationships can survive infidelity, but it takes time, renewed commitment, and communication to rebuild trust.

Certainly none of that has a chance of happening if he is still seeing her. I wish you well.

[talaniman]

Quite good when he's through with this fling. Or they deport the young thing. How long are you willing to wait?

[smoothy]

Kind of late for a mid-life crisis... most guys have those in their early 40's. (not saying I didn't have one either).

What are your chances? Really good question since we have to make a guess not knowing him or how he thinks.

And a lot really does hinge on what he is thinking and why.

I won't say impossible....because there is always a chance. Unlike a dead person suddenly jumping up alive and dancing. THAT is impossible.

[Alison_Y]

I can wait for another two months. I think if he is still with the girl by then, there is no hope for him to come back for another couple of years. She will not let him go without getting her visa. And she will leave him after she got it.
He is texting me everyday, If I contact him now, will it jeopardise my chance?

[talaniman]

You are just a girlfriend, like she is, but you have been just a girlfriend for YEARS. He is no more committed to you now, as he was when you met despite the history. Without that level of commitment, you are wasting your time whether he comes back or not, because you will still be just a girlfriend.

You could text him "Come home NOW, or stay gone forever"... and mean it!

Just curious,what are his texts about? Never mind! They are probably about BS to keep him on your mind and full of FALSE HOPE. Need help with that (Hell yes), and that beats waiting and hoping his crisis is over quickly.

No Contact isn't about getting an ex back, it's about healing and being able tomake better decisions based on FACTS, and not just hurt feelings.

[Alison_Y]

You are just a girlfriend, like she is, but you have been just a girlfriend for YEARS. He is no more committed to you now, as he was when you met despite the history. Without that level of commitment, you are wasting your time whether he comes back or not, because you will still be just a girlfriend.

You could text him "Come home NOW, or stay gone forever"... and mean it!

Just curious,what are his texts about? Never mind! They are probably about BS to keep him on your mind and full of FALSE HOPE. Need help with that (Hell yes), and that beats waiting and hoping his crisis is over quickly.

No Contact isn't about getting an ex back, it's about healing and being able tomake better decisions based on FACTS, and not just hurt feelings.

His son told me, "You are part of our family, we are on our side. I will keep talking to him to get him to see the truth." I am a family member, not a girlfriend. This break up is not just between two people, it is between two families


I believe NC has some effects on getting the lose one back, but there is no guarantee. The other one I will rather call it total-breakup. Throw everything away, including feelings, and don't think about it anymore. That is what I will do when I give up.


During this fragile period, I want to carefully wake him up, not blow it off.

[Alty]

So he's telling you that he can't break up with this girl because she won't let him? Does she have a gun to his head? Unless she does, he has the choice to walk away, despite what she wants. If he's not doing that, it's because he doesn't want to.

Sounds like he wants to have his fling but wants you waiting in the sidelines for when it ends, so he won't be alone.

You're plan B. Do you really want a guy that makes you an option, not a priority, in his life?

[talaniman]

You sound determined in your plan so Good Luck.

[Alison_Y]

You sound determined in your plan so Good Luck.

Thanks for the blessing.
Determination, yes.
Planning, no.