[backpack2389]

"Funny how certain people think everyone MUST accomodate them, like its their right... "

No one said it was a 'right.' For many, who are unafraid and unashamed to 'bend' a little, such is freely and happily given.

"yet if the other person asks for the same...they are called unreasonible."

Who is not reciprocating here? Or should we always just assume there is one selfish and immovable person in any relationship?

"The world doesn't bend to accomodate you...you have to bend to accomodate the world."

True, when it's the world you're dealing with. (And, even then, sometimes the world does bend to the wisdom of just one person who carries the right message in such a way that people will listen.) But when you're trying to work with one other person, a compromise and harmony for both is much more attainable.

[smoothy]

You know... I don't like Jazz or Hip-hop... people should turn it off when I am anywhere around.

I don't like Tripe... maybe the stores should stop selling it...

I don't like people that wear baggy pants hanging halfway to their knees... we should throw them in jail.

Sometimes... you just have to suck it up and live with things you may not like... because there is more than one perspective, and more than one might be right.

Nothing wrong with asking... however if they say no, I won't... you leave it drop... and don't go on nagging them saying how unfair you can't have your way until they begin to have homicidal thoughts in your company. (thats an exageration to make a point).

There is a very fine line between a reasonible and an unreasonible request... and if its to avoid dealing with a phobia or personal issue you don't want to face... then its always unreasonible.

Like the ever important rule of thumb... your rights and your personal space end... where another persons begin.

[talaniman]

Sometimes harmony, and compromise are very hard to attain. Like the porn conflict between couples, its more of how people relate and resolve their own personal issues and feelings before even bringing it to a partner. For example you have to get to the bottom of your own fears, and insecurities before you act or speak to a partner about anything.

If you do not those impulsive emotional responses and actions will get in the way of any dialog you can have.

Honest communications starts with being honest with self, and dealing with self. You can't expect someone to cope with YOU if you cannot cope with yourself. Nine times out of ten, a couples problems start with how they cope with their own feelings, and personal issues no matter what the conflict is.

Sadly developing proper coping skills is something taught early and built on through life experiences. It's a bit late when you decide to be a couple, and build something because it often involves building yourself first.

Few succeed in learning and growing together especially when conflicts become reality. And mistakes end up feeding resentments. Its overwhelming learning how to deal with YOURSELF on the fly, and frustrating for a partner.

[backpack2389]

"You know...I don't like Jazz or Hip-hop....people should turn it off when I am anywhere around.
I don't like Tripe...maybe the stores shoudl stop selling it....
I don't like people that wear baggy pants hanging halfway to their knees...we should throw them in jail.

There is a very fine line between a reasonible and an unreasonible request...." Right, and all of the above examples are unreasonable.

"Sometimes....you just have to suck it up and live with things you may not like...." True, but you don't have to live with (as in share you life with, be in a relationship with) people you don't like. And, if you do choose to live with someone you do like, you can't expect to get away without having to accomodate them in some reasonable ways. I guess, of course, we could just live separately from our partners and spouses.... that would be easier for everyone and no one would have to make any changes.

"Nothing wrong with asking ....however if they say no, I won't....you leave it drop...and don't go on nagging" I don't think anyone was promoting nagging.

"and if its to avoid dealing with a phobia... " Yes, because a phobia is an irrational fear... "or personal issue you don't want to face...then its always unreasonable." Like someone being sensitive towards another after the death of a loved one? Should we outright say 'They're dead. Get over it' instead of 'they're in a better place' and then going out of your way to ease their pain. Or perhaps that a man's penis might be small or he might not be the best in bed? Should we just tell him 'You're disappointing' instead of 'I love you, let's work with it.'

"Like the ever important rule of thumb............your rights and your personal space end...where another persons begin." And it takes an exceptionally accommodating person to work with someone who is entirely unwilling to return the favor. A person that shuts down to accommodation to the world or to their partners is someone who infringes upon another's rights the most.

[Enigma1999]

"Sometimes....you just have to suck it up and live with things you may not like...." 'True, but you don't have to live with people you don't like. And, if you do choose to live with someone you do like, you can't expect to get away without having to accomodate them in some reasonable ways.'

You just proved Smoothy's point. If OP doesn't like it, then perhaps she should just end the relationship. OP's boyfriend is simply checking out women, he is not cheating or even saying, "I want to sleep with these women."

[smoothy]

"You know...I don't like Jazz or Hip-hop....people should turn it off when I am anywhere around.
I don't like Tripe...maybe the stores shoudl stop selling it....
I don't like people that wear baggy pants hanging halfway to their knees...we should throw them in jail.

There is a very fine line between a reasonible and an unreasonible request...." Right, and all of the above examples are unreasonable.

"Sometimes....you just have to suck it up and live with things you may not like...." True, but you don't have to live with people you don't like. And, if you do choose to live with someone you do like, you can't expect to get away without having to accomodate them in some reasonable ways. I guess, of course, we could just live separately from our partners and spouses.... that would be easier for everyone and no one would have to make any changes.

"Nothing wrong with asking ....however if they say no, I won't....you leave it drop...and don't go on nagging" I don't think anyone was promoting nagging.

"and if its to avoid dealing with a phobia...." Yes, because a phobia is an irrational fear...."or personal issue you don't want to face...then its always unreasonable." Like someone being sensitive towards another after the death of a loved one? Should we outright say 'They're dead. Get over it' instead of 'they're in a better place' and then going out of your way to ease their pain. Or perhaps that a man's penis might be small or he might not be the best in bed? Should we just tell him 'You're disappointing' instead of 'I love you, let's work with it.'

"Like the ever important rule of thumb............your rights and your personal space end...where another persons begin." And it takes an exceptionally accomodating person to work with someone who is entirely unwilling to return the favor. A person that shuts down to accomodation to the world or to their partners is someone who infringes upon another's rights the most.

As far as sensitivity over someone dying... obviously for a reasonible period... but after a certain point.. if someone hasn't gotten over it yet... they are overdue to a visit to a psychologist, they aren't entitled to a free pass for life.

You know what... if his penis is too small for you, if he doesn't know the difference between a nipple and a hemeroid, if her breasts are too small, big or flabby, if her cooter could hide a Winnebago.. and a Suburban and it bothers you then what are you doing with them in the first place? Seriously... this is how they are... accept it or find someone else.

The person who is doing the infringing... is the person that demands everyone change to please them... they are unreasonible for being unwilling to accept others the way they are. THey unreasonible expect other to change to fit what they want... and usually they are the very same people that refuse to change themselves to fit what the other person wants.

Usually this is due to the arrogance that they alone matter, and they alone are right about everything... and these same people usually end up divorced and remarried several times because while they are perfect... its always the other person who was being unreasonible.


Again... they usually find fault in everyone else... and none in themselves.

People don't change... you accept them as they are... or you find someone that you do like.

Expecting someone else to change is unreasonible... just as unreasonible for a man that Marries Roseanne Barr and then expects her to change into Carol Alt.

This sums up trying to change people into what you want them to be...

"There is an old saying that teaching the pig to dance is a fruitless endeavor,” “It is a waste of your time and it irritates the pig

[Enigma1999]

I would just like to add that I reread the entire thread, and I have to say that the OP sounds very insecure. Not too mention she is very young and very pregnant, which is also causing her to be emotional.

OP mentions that she is upset that her boyfriend doesn't call during his lunch breaks, which tells me she is very needy.

I think that she concocts a lot of this in her over active brain. I am willing to bet that she would be this way and have doubts regardless of who her boyfriend might be.

OP, don't mistake his vivaciousness for flirty. Also you mention that he likes to meet new "people", so don't discourage him from doing so. I am telling you that if you DON'T stop your behavior, you will end up alone.

[smoothy]

Exactly Enigma1999, I'm a chatty person... I'll talk to almost anyone... and I do talk with a lot of people... but talking is a long way from flirting.

Ever more so in today's world... personal networking is important... if you don't talk with people... or meet new ones... you shut yourself off from valuable contacts.

Most jobs are found through word of mouth... not newspaper ads or internet ads.

That next person you meet might be the key to the best job you ever dreamed of having... or the best friend you ever had in life.


My thought on Flirting... some people like to flirt.. without any serious intentions, while others like me view flirting like this... ".Don't start something you don't intend to see all the way through to the end." Therefore its easy to keep your priorities straight.

[backpack2389]

"Sometimes....you just have to suck it up and live with things you may not like...." 'True, but you don't have to live with people you don't like. And, if you do choose to live with someone you do like, you can't expect to get away without having to accomodate them in some reasonable ways.'

You just proved Smoothy's point. If OP doesn't like it, then perhaps she should just end the relationship. OP's boyfriend is simply checking out women, he is not cheating or even saying, "I want to sleep with these women."

Yes and no. I think the accommodation should be mutual, should go both ways. I am in favor of tolerance AND courtesy. And, as discussed before, there's a difference between ogling and checking out. One is rude and the other normal.

And given that the OP is pregnant, it's a little late to just walk out. He chose to be with her and she with him. Now doesn't come the time to undo what's done but rather to work together. It would be better for them to try to stick it out (given the particular 'problem' that is happening) - meaning that if she comes to him with a problem, even a little emotional and hormonal, that he can't just write her off and shut down.

If someone says you are doing something that bothers them, it is self-righteous and wrong to ALWAYS assume that the problem lies with the other person. Which is what is happening when we say that... when a man ogles a woman in front of his partner and then, finding she dislikes it, blames it on her insecurities, not even considering the fact that he might also have been rude.

[Cat1864]

For clarification: The OP is a now a new mother.

[backpack2389]

Congratulations to her!

Now there won't be time for either of them to worry about such things.

[smoothy]

Don't you love it when they create multiple threads on a single topic...

On the other hand.. congratulations to the new mom.

[alice26]

>edited and merged with older threads<

We're going to make it to 2 years together, but I don't think we're going to last. We have so much love for each other. We have been fighting all the time about the same thing. I know I don't want this, but I can't leave him. I keep having the same dream that I'm trying to call my boyfriend, but can't get connected to him. What does that mean?

[talaniman]

What are you fighting about now?

[alice26]

Well I'm asking this question because that's how I feel ,I don't believe my boyfriend finds me attractive or pretty etc but he says he loves me for what I done for him . I talk about it before he checks out other girls ,don't tell me I'm pretty, now I found that his looking at naked girl pic like porn but just pictures. So I asked him wats my best feature.. wat does he like of me&he didn't know what to say, he said he sees me everyday &didn't know what else to say .he said that was his first time it don't mean his cheating . I just want to know if this is normal&what does it mean that he has too look at those girls in the internet if he has me . Is it time to let him go ? Please don't judge because iknow I have low self estem &his no help. He makes me feel ugly and not wanted.

[talaniman]

Yourself esteem is what makes you feel that way, so why not work on that so you won't need some one to make you feel confident, and valued. Then you won't feel you have to compete with images and pictures, and other females. Then you could enjoy your time together. You need a guy who knows how to keep you reassured in a nice consistent way.

Is that what you argue about?

[backpack2389]

You seem to be consistently and over the long term unhappy. Do you feel like you are always unhappy in this relationship?

[JudyKayTee]

I think Backpack hit it on the head - you appear to be consistently unhappy. If you are looking to someone else for happiness you will always be unhappy - feel better about yourself and you will be a happier person.

If your boyfriend makes you feel ugly and unwanted, why are you with him? I know I would not stay with someone who made me unhappy; likewise, if someone kept asking me if I thought he was attractive his "neediness" would drive me away.

You need to excel in something, find happiness outside your relationship.

[kiara-morales]

It means he doesn't like you anymore, or is interested in someone else.

[alice26]

Your self esteem is what makes you feel that way, so why not work on that so you won't need some one to make you feel confident, and valued. Then you won't feel you have to compete with images and pictures, and other females. Then you could enjoy your time together. You need a guy who knows how to keep you reassured in a nice consistent way.

Is that what you argue about?

Yess how do I do that ,it breaks my heart that we are over, he hurts my feelings all the time ,if I cry he gets mad &start yelling, I don't know why he has to be this way if I did so much for him :(