[adshenderson]

Hi Ya

I'm currently going through a really tough spot, to the point where
It's hard to breathe... I'm 25 years old and I met the girl who I
Really think is the one, it just doesn't compare to previous
Relationships, she up until recently said the same thing, other people
Just seem to be together for the sake of being together but we
Genuinely seemed meant to be... However we have now split up and been
On no contact for 5 weeks.

This wonderful girl was a girl I went to school with all those years
Ago, she happened to message me on Facebook this time last year. We
Caught up, she had heard a few things about me from her parents and
Wondered how I was doing. I genuinely just took these convos as a
Catch up an never even thought about her that way. I did realise we
Were very alike which shocked us both because during school we both
Seemed to be very different people.

It turned out that she had been married for little over six months and
Was very unhappy, she said that it was a typical story of every 6
Months for the past 8 years of her relationship with this guy was just
About re-inventing it to try and make it work. I never actually got
Involved, I just used to say things like "that's a shame". Then on the
4th of January, she asked me what I thought a marriage should be, so I
Told her, I told her I think it should be filled with fireworks and
Butterflies everyday and that's what I want. She then said she thinks
She liked me but didn't want to say before now and asked about meeting
Up. I said I didn't think it was a good idea, she said she understood
But then I said on seconds thoughts you never know what you are
Letting pass you by. So we arranged to meet on the following Friday
And the attraction was instantaneous, we ended up doing something we
Have never done before, we had sex on the first "date". And we were
Just so right for each other

Our relationship flourished to the point that she asked when her
Divorce came through "could we get married" I said to her "of course
we can, you are everything I want, but let's take it day by day and
wait for everything to get sorted out"

Things were still going well up until 2 months ago, she was going for
A job interview on the Monday on the Sunday I was driving past her
House and I decided to pop in to wish her luck in a caring way. It
Turns out her Dad was there and he doesn't know about us, so he blew
Up at her not once but three times. Once on the day, the week later
(at her nephews first birthday party, in front of loads of people) and
The third was a week after that (again in front of lots of people). We
Had a few good times since then but she admitted the pressure of a new
Job (she was actually doing two full time jobs) her Nan was dying, her
Dad was saying this would affect the Divorce, the Divorce itself, her
New house mate, trying to sell the house she has with her husband, her
Car, money and having to lead the double life of being with me is
Really getting to her.

She also found out after her break up with her husband that he had
In fact cheated on her 3 times with 3 different women, she found this
Out on the day she left him, it was his "passing shot" to her, this
Clearly affected her badly as her first words when back in my arms
Were "promise me you will never cheat on me" which I know I would not
Do.

As I was saying, one and a half months ago we split up, we didn't
Argue, christ we never have, she said she can't have a relationship
Right now, she has got so much to do and she can't give me what I
Want. She also said I should feel free to see other people because she
Wants me to be happy, she doesn't my life to be ruled by her emotions
Right now. She went on to say she can't trust me and she knows it's
Not my fault it's all in her head, she's not saying never she's saying
Right now it can't work like this, she can't even love me because of
The trust.

We went one week no contact, she then text me asking when was the last
Time I saw an ex of mine, to which I responded "eerrrr two years babe"
And she goes "ok", so I ask what's up, and she says she thought my ex
Had been in my bedroom recently because there was a pic on Facebook, I
Tried to calm her down asking her to look for a date or something. She
Said "see I can't trust you when you are just perfect". The thing is I
Found the pic, it wasn't even on my profile, it was on my exes, she
Went to the extent of looking through my exes pictures and it was some
Way back.

I've now gone 5 weeks with no contact and I have learned things about
Myself, towards the end I acted like I needed the relationship, now I
Know I don't need it. But I do know that I want it, and my problem of
Wanting things sooner rather than later and over-thinking things is
Killing me, what do I do, what do I do to get her back and maybe start
A brand new relationship together.

What do I do??

[SoftballStar7]

You have to contact her! What are you waiting for!! I understand that she's pretty upset and confused right now, but you have to find a way to get through to her. You have to contact her ASAP, and you have to tell her that it was all a mistake. Tell her everything you just wrote about, tell her you're meant to be and that together you two can work it out. If she still doesn't want a relationship, or at least wants to wait a while, ask to be good friends. Good luck. (:

[Dican212]

Be tenaious if your that serious about her! :D cause these things hardly come around

[Cat1864]

I have to disagree with the advice you have received so far.

She jumped from one relationship into the next and didn't deal with the baggage from the past. Right now she doesn't trust you and she doesn't trust her own judgment. I know it hurts you to think about this, but she needs to live her life for a while. She needs to date other men and learn what she really wants in a relationship and to stand on her own two feet emotionally as well as mentally and physically. She needs to rebuild her confidence in herself. It will help her become a stronger and healthier partner than she is at this time.

You need to stop being a rebound. You shouldn't put yourself in the position of becoming (or continuing to be) the target for her misplaced issues. You need to take care of yourself and live your life. Be certain that you are ready to be in a relationship and have let the past go.

Continue No Contact. Continue doing your own healing. Hopefully she is doing the same. Perhaps sometime in the future you will meet again and it will be the 'right' time for a relationship between you. Unfortunately this isn't it.

[adshenderson]

Hi

Thank you all for your advice, basically right now I'm stuck between both sides, I feel like texting her and just going for it, but then I might push her away and I know that I need to give her time, there is no doubt about it that she is going through a difficult time.

Something else that happened 2 weeks ago was that my cousin text her saying it was a shame, and she responded to her saying she knows, she just wants me to be happy and whatever has happened/happening is her fault, she doesn''t know what's going on". I really don't know what to read into that

But as said in my first post, I know I want her

[Cat1864]

Something else that happened 2 weeks ago was that my cousin text her saying it was a shame, and she responded to her saying she knows, she just wants me to be happy and whatever has happened/happening is her fault, she doesn''t know what's going on". I really don't know what to read into that

She is learning how to heal and trust herself.

Let her come to you when she is ready. In the meantime, live your own life.

Ask friends and family who may have contact with her not to give you updates on what she is doing or says. Those updates, however well meant, are only keeping your confusion alive and stirred up. You will remain confused as long as you are trying to figure out what she meant in a conversation you weren't meant to hear. Let the confusion go.

Good luck.

[adshenderson]

Thank you, I will try, it's just hard

[adshenderson]

She is learning how to heal and trust herself.

Let her come to you when she is ready. In the meantime, live your own life.

Ask friends and family who may have contact with her not to give you updates on what she is doing or says. Those updates, however well meant, are only keeping your confusion alive and stirred up. You will remain confused as long as you are trying to figure out what she meant in a conversation you weren't meant to hear. Let the confusion go.

Good luck.

She text me on my birthday... it was nice... should I do anything to get her back

[Oliver2011]

I have to disagree with the advice you have received so far.

She jumped from one relationship into the next and didn't deal with the baggage from the past. Right now she doesn't trust you and she doesn't trust her own judgment. I know it hurts you to think about this, but she needs to live her life for a while. She needs to date other men and learn what she really wants in a relationship and to stand on her own two feet emotionally as well as mentally and physically. She needs to rebuild her confidence in herself. It will help her become a stronger and healthier partner than she is at this time.

You need to stop being a rebound. You shouldn't put yourself in the position of becoming (or continuing to be) the target for her misplaced issues. You need to take care of yourself and live your life. Be certain that you are ready to be in a relationship and have let the past go.

Continue No Contact. Continue doing your own healing. Hopefully she is doing the same. Perhaps sometime in the future you will meet again and it will be the 'right' time for a relationship between you. Unfortunately this isn't it.

I have to totally agree with Cat on this one. There is way too much going on and you all took it too fast. The last thing you need is for her to jump back in only to regret it a few months down the line. If that happens you will be back here posting about your pending breakup.

I don't get why people meet someone and instantly blinders go up whereas they can't see objectively anymore.

UGH RELATIONSHIPS!!

[adshenderson]

I have to totally agree with Cat on this one. There is way too much going on and you all took it too fast. The last thing you need is for her to jump back in only to regret it a few months down the line. If that happens you will be back here posting about your pending breakup.

I don't get why people meet someone and instantly blinders go up whereas they can't see objectively anymore.

UGH RELATIONSHIPS!!!

I contacted her today on the advice of a friend who has been in the situation... it was small talk but didn't get a lot... don't know what to do