[Raiise]

I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years. We broke up 4 months ago. I broke up with him, due to insecurity and his insults. He was insecure for a lot of our relationship, and I made a huge attempt to help him through it; it eventually stopped and he was much happier. However, I became insecure and it seemed as though he'd had enough of the thought of insecurity and he made no move to help me.

Anyway, I broke up 4 months ago, and I regretted it instantly. Straight away I was asking for him back which I realise now was a huge mistake. I kept on having panic attacks and asthma attacks, and things were spiralling downwards. I'm currently on 12 tablets a day because I became so ill, and I can literally sleep all the time; I'm also getting confused between dreams and reality, and I'm still crying every day.

He was constantly being on and off with me and eventually he told me he was in two minds about everything. Half of him wanted to get back and the other half didn't.

When he was not in the mood of getting back, he was awful to me. Truly awful, making me feel horrible about myself. However when he was feeling loving, he'd treat me so well. It was like he had all the power and control over me and I was letting him.

We met last weekend, and he said to me he reckons we're going to get back together. Things seemed really great however that Monday he said to me 'I've had a reality check, we're not going to get back.' This, to me felt like closure. I realised that he is never going to come to one decision, especially after four months of constantly changing his ways. So I stopped asking. I told him I've accepted and I'm going to try and move on, I was happy in front of him, and he seemed okay with it. I even kissed another boy, which was the first person I've been able to kiss since me and him broke up. I felt okay; until my ex began to change. He kept sending me constant hate messages, telling me to die, and how much he hates me and has no love for me anymore. Is this true? Then to my face he began doing it as well, and he pushed me twice into a tree and a wall. I understood he was angry. But then suddenly he changed again; he's completely blanking me now. And I'm trying to do the same.

I just want to be with him again because I'm struggling so much mentally and health wise, and there is so much potential with my ex and I. And I don't know how to go about it. Thanks for reading x

[talaniman]

Stay away from him, completely and utterly away from him. Have nothing to do with this wishy washy, immature kid, so you can heal and be in a better SAFER place in life.

You need a cop, not a boyfriend, and deserve better than this one. Potential?? Really? How about the potential to put you in the hospital on a bad day?

Can love be that blind? I guess so.

[Raiise]

Thank you x

[mmresd]

You made your bed, and now it is time to sleep on it. Acting out of impulse has a high chance of things not turning out in the best way possible. You should, for the future, think about what the consecuences of your decisions will be. You need to calm down, you need to learn how to be happy by yourself, without NEEDING anyone by your side. Seek professional help with your anxiety and/or go see a co-dependancy group near you. You need to stop talking to this guy and continue living your life. This is not healthy for you, your mind is what needs to change, with a decision that YOU need to make, pills are only a temporary fix, if we are talking about a potential long term problem, they are not going to be very effective.

[Raiise]

Yes, you're all completely right. It's hard when he turns around 'as upset as me' for all I want to do is help him because I don't want him to go through what I am going through.

[Raiise]

We've been apart for 6 months after a 2 and a half year relationship, and now we're slowly making the decision of getting back together. How can I speed up this process?

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you need to speed it up. Why did you break up? Have those issues been worked through. Take your time, make sure you are doing the right thing.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, never, don't, slow it down if anything, start over almost like just when you first started dating, you speed it up to where you were, the old issues are still there.

What have you done to deal with the issue that caused you to break up?

[Raiise]

Me and my boyfriend will have been together for 3 and half years this December and it has been a very rough relationship.

Naturally, we're very used to each other, and the 'spark' all relationships start with has become something we're merely accustomed to in our day to day lives.

As we have had a very up and down relationship, I feel my sense of need for him has heightened, whilst he has become very independent after his insecurities. I sometimes get the feeling I am not giving him enough space, and I am not sure how to.

The intimacy and affection in our relationship has decreased since we have gone back to college, yet we were amazing over the summer.

One may claim it's due to the work load pressure, but I've already spoken to him about this, and it is not an issue. He is just merely being cold, and I feel as though I am a hindrance rather than a positive thing in his life. I've also discussed those feelings for me, and he still wants us to be together, it's not a matter of wanting to leave me - he seemed rather irritated to even talk about 'us' though.

People say 'act like how you were when you first were together, what made him love you?' but we were 13/14 years old... We're approaching adulthood now, so it's difficult to use this method as obviously, we've matured since.

So how should I give him space without making ourselves distant, and how can I increase the intimacy and affection in our relationship on a day to day basis?

It's very hard to meet at the moment because we have so many commitments.

Some help would be amazing; thank you for reading this.

[talaniman]

As hard as it is to believe you got back together, I think your own insecurities are showing and you have become pushy emotionally. Focus on your commitments as he seems to be doing and see how things work out.

Relationships are about being able to adjust with the times and situations as you grow. That involves patience. I mean do you always have to share your feelings of FEAR? Your feelings are YOURS to cope with, I mean what can he really do?

[Raiise]

As hard as it is to believe you got back together, I think your own insecurities are showing and you have become pushy emotionally. Focus on your commitments as he seems to be doing and see how things work out.

Relationships are about being able to adjust with the times and situations as you grow. That involves patience. I mean do you always have to share your feelings of FEAR? Your feelings are YOURS to cope with, I mean what can he really do?

Thank you.

I don't know how to face my own insecurities without getting completely distracted from work etc.

Yeah I need to stop depending on him for everything; need to learn to become independent, but again - I am unsure how to.

As for adjusting with the times - I don't understand what he sees in me now? What is it about me that's keeping us together? He gives the obvious generic reasons, but to be honest it feels like we're just used to each other now.

However, when we have our moments of intimacy (and not necessesarily physical, like if we speak closely, or eye contact), I can see we've clearly got something.

I just don't know HOW to give him space without us becoming distant and that causing problems...

Thank you for your help, once again.

[talaniman]

Sometimes you have to fill that distance you feel with your own activities that make you feel good about yourself rather than press him for reassurances that you are loved by him.

Having things that you enjoy and look forward to is so crucial to giving your partner the space they need.