[talaniman]

You are playing a very selfish game here. Leave her alone and stop torturing her. Can't you see she is protecting herself, and has made her decision? You just can't accept it though, and that's the problem.

[LiveLife7]

I'm going there because the trip has been booked before we broke up. If there is some slim chance that it can still work out and we can fix things, I have to see. Also, like I stated previously, I live without regrets. Not going there to see if the relationship can be reignited or not would leave me with regret as I return to the states.
I have faith that we can get through this, it is our first fight, first real problem. People make mistakes and learn from them. Sometimes people see that someone has changed and they give it a second chance.
Call it false hope if you choose, I will be going there whether it's going to be more painful for me or not.
She has even said that she is not sure if she feels like this because of the distance alone. If I can close that distance maybe things will improve.

I'm not torturing her, we haven't spoken in days or had any other sort of contact.

[LiveLife7]

So we didn't speak for about a week and then I broke contact. I told her I needed my stuff back and asked her to put it in a bag so I can get it when she is not home, then I cut her off on the phone to hang up. I was a little rude but I didn't want to prolong the conversation. Before I ended the call she said something like "the reason I haven't called you the past few days is-" I told her I didn't need any reasons and that I understand.

So, the following night I contacted her and we ended up on the phone. The conversation went really well, we could see that we are both pretty comfortable speaking to each other and concerned about the other's life. She said she wants to meet with me face to face to return my things and help me do some stuff in Italy that she usually helped me out doing since she is more familiar with the area and all.

I feel like that is what I was waiting for her to say all along, but after we hung up about an hour or so later I wasn't so thriller with her decision. I don't know if I am ready to be finished with it or maybe I know that things will not be the same as they used to be and I just don't want it. Why am I not satisfied?

She even mentioned coming over to my apartment to help me set stuff up and clean it like she usually did when I would go there.

Towards the end of the conversation I told her "you realize that after I leave Italy we have to stop all contact for a very long time right? That it will be the only way for both of us to move on without continuing any bad feelings or concerns for the other person." She said "We will see." No idea what that means...

[Homegirl 50]

You dig this hole, now deal with it.

You guys can play around with each other's feelings until one of you gets tired.
I don't think it means anything on her side, but seeing you may open a wound. Open a wound, not restore what you had. You should have left well enough alone.

[LiveLife7]

The problem is, if I see her I'm not sure how to show myself. Should I be totally real even if that means exposing myself? Or play it cool and focus on the fact that the chances of us getting anywhere are basically gone? If my feelings are still burning I don't know if it would be good to hide them from her, maybe she's looking to see something in me.

Not entirely sure what will happen but I want to keep my expectations as close to the ground as possible. Regardless, I am happy that she showed me the decency of meeting with me whether it will be brief or not.

[bigNavySeal]

You need to realise what you're doing to her. I'll give you some perspective from 'the other side' as I'm in a similar situation. I recently (1.5 months ago) decided to break it off after 2.5 yrs (we lived together for 2 yrs). It caused me numerous sleepless nights, depressive moments and I since lost 7 kg. I was initially constantly obsessing over what she was up to, see her online, etc. etc. And remember I was the one that broke it off. My ex is away now for 2 months for air hostess training yet it is lingering on for too long.

I can tell you right now it isn't as easy for your ex as you may think. She has had loads of feelings for you, but when we said we decided to break it off, deep in our hearts we had our reasons and knew that the future would ultimately make us unhappy, even though this was a difficult decision to make with possible doubts.

Me and my ex-GF are stringing each other along, even though it's been 1.5 months now. She doesn't want to accept that it is over and plays with my feelings and I don't have the guts to completely cut her out.

It hurts. A lot.

Just when I thought I was moving on her jealous trickery through FB hugely confused me and made me regret my decisions on an emotional level but still in the back of my mind I think it's for the best. (I was commenting on some girls while she was online & saw it. I have to admit just after the breakup I got jealous over a photo of hers with some guy holding her. I know I know unfriending on FB is priority number one after a breakup)

Your ex certainly has more guts, and it is clear that she's moving on, even though it seems she's giving conflicting reports now based on what you said:

Towards the end of the conversation I told her "you realize that after I leave Italy we have to stop all contact for a very long time right? That it will be the only way for both of us to move on without continuing any bad feelings or concerns for the other person." She said "We will see." No idea what that means...

I'm interested in certain women but already knowing that if my ex finds out and plays her tricks on me it is hard to swallow and stops me from moving on, simply because I can't deal with the fact she acts 'hurt'.

My advice: be supportive of her while accepting that it's over (if you're made for each other ,over a LONG period time may tell), but now you need to lay it at rest. If you can't deal with the jealousy of some sort, accept that you will have to go NC, and be amicable before you do.

Sorry, needed to vent because I don't know how to immediately move forward myself, but it gives you some food for thought on how the 'other party' is possibly dealing with it.

I'd be curious to see how your meet-up will go.

[LiveLife7]

Thank you for showing the situation from a different angle, assuming she actually feels that way!

I have been going out almost every night until 3 or 4 in the morning and eventually some of the girls I'm with are going to find their way onto my Facebook page through some pictures. I'm very nervous about the reaction my EX might have to this. I don't want to start any pain games.

I think you might be right about the fact that we broke up for a reason, there were a lot of doubts, and that eventually it could lead to something less then happy.

Since she told me she would prefer to meet with me we have had no contact. I don't see and further reason in contacting her and as of now, I know she goes out but what she is doing and who it's with is lingering in my mind from time to time but not any any sort of a consuming level.

I will post when I return from Italy for sure and hopefully my state of mind is clear and I can get what I am looking for out of this "vacation."

I think deep down I am hoping she will decide not to leave the city and to come stay with me at my apartment even if it means I have to sleep on the couch. I enjoy her company being a couple or not and I might even tell her that.

[Homegirl 50]

OK so you are going out every night but you plan on going to Italy and talk this girl (who has told you she does not want to see you) into taking you back? You are a trip! You're jealous. You can't stand the thought that she has moved on and now you are talking smack to her and have now gotten her to agree to see you. But you are seeing other girls. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

[LiveLife7]

OK so you are going out every night but you plan on going to Italy and talk this girl (who has told you she does not want to see you) into taking you back? You are a trip! You're jealous. You can't stand the thought that she has moved on and now you are talking smack to her and have now gotten her to agree to see you. But you are seeing other girls. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Homegirl, there is a severe dose of bitterness in basically all of your comments thus far. I'm sorry for you and your past and upcoming experiences it must be a rough life for sure.

If you have been keeping up with my posts you will realize that my hopes of getting back together have faded, I'm honestly not even thinking it's something worth doing. "Talking smack" not quite. I hadn't even mentioned wanting to see her after the first week of the breakup, she threw that one at me a few days ago and I told her that she doesn't have to. "But now you are seeing other girls" this one is funny, yes I am seeing other girls, everyday I walk around with my eyes open if that is what you mean. I don't know how old you are but I am 23, and I'm not looking for a mother on this website simply some advice, guidance, or productive point of views.

What's wrong with going out nearly every night? Should I stay in my room another week doing nothing productive? Fun is productive for me. I don't have the leisure of going for long walks on the beach or feeding shelter animals, so I go out, socialize, meet new people and engage in harmless conversation.

Please refrain from posting anymore unhelpful comments. I have no problem facing the facts or taking constructive criticism (I'm in the Marine Corps... ) but your attitude is directed towards me when I think deep down it should be geared towards someone else? Maybe you can open a thread on here for help.

Thank you.

[Homegirl 50]

I have no problems past or present that are anywhere similar to this.
You said you have been talking to this girl wanting her to see you, she said she didn't want to and now she has agreed.
You spoke of your love for her, how your were not going to give up and now you're seeing other girls, I'm just wondering where this is coming from.
I don't care what you do. You came here for advice I gave it and I can comment where I want. I knew about how old you are, it is obvious.

[LiveLife7]

I never said I don't love her anymore, I still do or I would have closed my account on this website. I'm not "giving up" I'm giving it space. And I'm not "seeing other girls" I'm going out at night for drinks and having a good time. I'm not scoring numbers or hooking up with randoms. Until I can finish this chapter in my book, I'm not even going to attempt to begin the next.

I like the last line you wrote, you're quite the comedian.
There is a line between advice and judgemental behavior.

[Homegirl 50]

I have been going out almost every night until 3 or 4 in the morning and eventually some of the girls I'm with are going to find their way onto my facebook page through some pictures. I'm very nervous about the reaction my EX might have to this. I don't want to start any pain games.

Maybe you can open a thread on here for help.


I don't play games here. I give advice based on whay you post. You said "girls you are with" so you are seeing girls. That's your business, all of this is, and your last line to me was a bit judgmental. You do what you want, but don't tell me where to comment.
I wish you well.

[LiveLife7]

So, I decided to update.

I went to Italy, and I saw her. The actions were basically the same as when we used to be together, holding hands, hugging - just minus the intimate stuff. We had dinner a few times, got some drinks and just had a good time enjoying each other's company.

In the 5 weeks we have been broken up the only times she initiated contact with me was when I was in Italy, she was actually concerned one day when I slept in and met up with her a few hours later than planned.

She cried basically every time we were together over memories and basic conversations. Out of my 2 weeks there we saw each other on 4 different occasions.

My last night there we had dinner, a bottle of wine then some drinks at a nearby bar and ended it with saying goodbye and I put her in a taxi. It was rough for both of us.

So... since I have returned to the country I work in she has once again not initiated any contact, it's been only myself. I have had a few recent family developments which led me to call her just to speak about them. She has been responding to my messages 2, 3, or even 4 hours after I send them (the application we use has a time stamp for when you read the messages) and this gets me irritated even though I know I am no longer with her or a top priority.

I called her a few days ago and she was about to go out and said she would call me the following night. The following night I told her I was out for dinner and getting some drinks afterward then I told her when I would be home to speak. When I got home I sent her a message and she said sorry but she was on her way out and we could speak the following night... The following night (last night) I was busy at work all day then returned home and at about 9 pm I messaged her asking what she was doing.. she said she was out with friends.. so I called her and was a little pissed. I told her that I don't want to continue down this path playing this game or whatever it is.. then she went on to tell me about how I am still the most important person for her and she really really cares about me? This leaves me in a state of confusion.

How can someone repeatedly say that you are number 1.. Most important... they care about you more than anyone else... yet not answer your messages or call you when they say they will after 2 years of being each other's priority?

Last night when we ended the call she said we will speak later and I said we won't then I said good-bye.

I think it's time I actually stick with no contact and remove myself as an option in her life.

[bigNavySeal]

The very last line you mention is unfortunately exactly the thing you will have to do. Don't make her your priority anymore. Give up hope, move on and let time heal the wounds. I know it won't be easy but you have no other option. Let the future work itself out, if you're meant you're meant. Don't force it anymore...

[LiveLife7]

The very last line you mention is unfortunately exactly the thing you will have to do. Don't make her your priority anymore. Give up hope, move on and let time heal the wounds. I know it won't be easy but you have no other option. Let the future work itself out, if you're meant you're meant. Don't force it anymore...

Yeah.. unfortunately I think it's the smartest and most difficult choice to take. Still not knowing what she is thinking in her head kills me with questions.

When I was with her last week she said to me "since we broke up I have asked myself 3 or 4 times .. 'why did I even break up with him, I don't even know." This confused the hell out of me!

Good news is I've submitted my college application for when I return home in a few months and finish the military... I think this is a sign of progression?

Thanks man

[LiveLife7]

The day after that upset phone call I returned to my house only to see that I had 9 text messages from her (I don't bring my phone to work) about how she was sorry and that she wasn't lying when she told me I was the most important person to her... my life is important and my decisions about my future and so on.. she continued to say that we can't act like we are still together like before and that is the reason she doesn't sent me messages or call me anymore. However, she said that our relationship was based on sincerity and she wants to keep that even if we are no longer together.

Finally she said she understands why I said that we shouldn't speak anymore and she said that building a new life would be easier without contact.

I responded a day later telling her I understand what she said, I thanked her for telling me how my life was important to her and then I told her that hers is important to me as well.

That was it, a brief answer to her messages just to not be disrespectful or petty.

This morning I had a message from her when I woke up saying.. "I hope you are doing ok these days.. I know about our decision to stop speaking but I wanted to tell you again that I'm here for you if you need me.."

Should I take these messages as mixed signals? Her being confused? Am I totally misreading the messages and she only has polite and caring intentions with no underlying meanings? Should I not respond and stick out NC?

[talaniman]

You have already said you thought it best to stop the contact, so why change that to go back to the confusion that you had before? She wants you around in the friend zone, and available when she needs some feel good.

I think it's time I actually stick with no contact and remove myself as an option in her life.

I think so too.

[LiveLife7]

You have already said you thought it best to stop the contact, so why change that to go back to the confusion that you had before? She wants you around in the friend zone, and available when she needs some feel good.

I think so too.

Thanks Tal.




These days have been getting easier and easier. My memories and flashbacks of her are becoming less and less frequent. I've been having some busy days at work since I returned from Italy which is great as well!

I put in some applications for colleges stateside for the 2013 Spring semester. I've been looking into cars for a potential purchase also. =) These thoughts of a new future and building something of my own once again feels good. Sure, I wish I had someone important to share it with but in the end I need to make my own life based around myself and then possibly include another person in it later.

I find myself still pondering whether she thinks about me as often as I think about her. If she misses me and if she is still confused. It's been almost a month and a half since we broke up and I can definitely confirm that everything DOES get better with time. My healing process has without a doubt kicked in, no telling when it will be complete if ever possible but it's moving in a positive way nonetheless.

I know it's too soon to make the decision for sure but I have plans of going to Italy next summer to study Italian for a month or so. I guess that's a decision I will have to make in the future with plenty of time to think about it and consider other options as well. I guess a part of me wants to go back to live in Italy for a little while to see if there could still be something between us, if we could "work" and "click" like we used to.

At least I'm no longer losing sleep over it anymore. I have finally gotten back into the gym after a 2 month break and it feels great!

I appreciate all who have kept up with my thread and left constructive comments.

[LiveLife7]

It's been a while since I updated and I doubt anyone has followed this thread but here I go anyway.

We have been in contact a few days a week recently, after about 2 weeks of NC. I somehow managed to get really sick and have some temporary medical issues and I decided to tell her about them. She has called or texted me everyday or other day since but faded down recently due to me feeling better.

We've had great conversations on the phone, just the same clicking we had initially.. it's almost like nothing has changed between us.
She has been cramming for an exam that just passed, she was telling me about how it had been stressing her out and other issues with her family. She even surprised herself telling me some things going on that she said she would never say to anyone else, that felt kind of good that she knows she can confide in me.

Well, she texted me yesterday and told me she failed the exam.. it seems like her life is just going further and further downhill while mine is shaping up and I can't help but want to be there for her as a pillar of support.. Should I let her be to deal with these issues? I know that I no longer have the title as her boyfriend but I am still someone who deeply cares about her. I have told her that I am here to talk whenever she wants about anything although I think she sees it as unapropriate and a last resort (I don't blame her).

Anyway, there's an update. I still have no interest in any girls I meet, minus the physical aspect of course. I'm wondering when I will be over her and ready to move on... I guess I will only know when it actually happens and the right person comes along.