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CoruptedAngel · May 6, 2012, 12:27 PM

If he made the decision to only watch porn with you and this is how he expresses his thoughts, then he is blaming you for a decision he made. And you seem to be allowing it. Why?

If you don't like or care for porn, don't force yourself to watch it and don't allow him to attempt to blackmail you into watching it. That only leads to resentment and other negative emotions.

Simple... I don't like him mad at me. For some reason I am obsessed about what he thinks of me. Even to the simplest things. I don't like him angry at me. He has enough on his plate ( As you know Cat ) And I feel like I don't ant to make it worse or make him sad or mad

.

If he blames you for his decision on when to watch porn, then the two of you need to sit down and have a very honest discussion about how the current 'compromise' is working out. I don't think it is.

I agree and we have but always ends in one or both mad at each other. He wants it plan and simple. So you are right the compromise ( though I feel I'm the only one losing something ) isn't working out.

There is another red flag: You see his going out with friends as something 'age related' (almost sounds like you think it is immature.) Both of you should have time and interests outside of the relationship. I hope you have time with your friends, too.

No I don't have ANY friends. The only friends I have had was at the truck stop I worked at. I seen them at work and when I would ride there on off days. I was overnight waitress for a year. And he only has one. All his others walked away when me and him got together even though they liked us both. They said he changed too much. And he is not a social person ( at all ) though I try my hardst to get him to go out even here where we live. There are almoost a little over 100 apartments in our complex. Meet someone. But maybe I should take my own advice huh? :)

I love you'r advice :)

JudyKayTee · May 6, 2012, 02:05 PM

I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues.

CoruptedAngel · May 6, 2012, 05:00 PM

"I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues."'

Yes, siting here now thinking about it. There are several problems in our relationship. There wasn't until October and this isn't the thread for that.

I'm about at my wits end on it :(

smoothy · May 6, 2012, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by CoruptedAngel

"I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues."'

Yes, siting here now thinking about it. There are several problems in our relationship. There wasn't until October and this isn't the thread for that.

I'm about at my wits end on it :(

Actually... this IS the thread for that... because it is part of it and these things are linked together.

Rarely can you sever multiple issues from each other. What happens in one has effects that resonate with the others.

You want help in this particular issue... but in order to do so, we can not pretend to ignore the others.

CoruptedAngel · May 7, 2012, 01:10 AM

Instead of retyping the thread about October Smoothy I copied and pasted. It is below.

I am in a relationship with one the greatest men. There is a huge age difference though. I am the older one. Me and him have been together 3 years and I have lived with him now 4 months :)

Everything started changing in October when something happened. His older brother secretly put weed oil in brownies. Let him eat 6 of them and then told him when he started feeling majorly messed up. (His brother had been begging him to smoke with him and my boyfriend said "No"! He had smoked it once and didn't like the effect. So then this happened.

Well anyway... My boyfriend freaked out and went to bed to try and sleep it off. He said it was a very long night and bad experience all around. But that's when things started getting bad for my boyfriend and me and our relationship. He started not eating worried someone might tamper with the food. Me and his parents. He would time us and our behavior 30 minutes after eating before eating himself. He says his brain is always foggy like he is living in a dream all the time. Then after time paranoia set in and then no sex life. When for 3 years are sex life was and this is no joke at least 3-7 times a day when I was spending the night. Or weekend. Lots of foreplay. You name it and it was done.

Now after lots of me crying wondering what's wrong with me and even depression for me I am looking for someone to tell me what can I do to help him... to help us. He says it's hard for him. He wants it like it was and misses it bad but he doesn't have the concentration or motivation anymore for sex .Yet he does for his gaming.Internet and friends. It's quickies a couple times a week. No touching,kissing etc in our lovemaking. He is loving and kind all day and everything. He holds me when he sleeps but Oh my God I miss our sexual connection, our passion, his want and aching need for me and my body as I believe it is (or was) one of a kind!

Can anyone help me please?

smoothy · May 7, 2012, 05:19 AM

Well... let me tell you... if someone drugged me... it would negatively effect how I viewed anyone that might have been involved. Mainly because #1, the jobs I have had for the last 3 decades have had random drug testing as a possibility... and stuff like that will test positive in your hair as long as that hair is present on your body... until it falls out or grows out enough to be cut off. And if asked on a job application about drug use... the answer is Yes or NO. There generally isn't a field to check for "Generally No but, someone drugged my food"

If you had any part in this... or if he even suspects you might have even if he's not sure... its going to efect your relationship. Sure his reaction might be a bit on the severe side, but everyone will react in a different way. But the basic fact if he will be or might be looking for a new job in the near future.. its going to have effects that are long lasting.

Personally I hope he gave his brother a good old fashioned butt-whooping over that incident. I would have.

JudyKayTee · May 7, 2012, 05:24 AM

Well said, Smoothy - my concern with this thread is that very important info came out very slowly. The problem isn't porn. Took a very long time to find that out.

CoruptedAngel · May 7, 2012, 05:35 AM

"If you had any part in this...or if he even suspects you might have even if he's not sure...its going to efect your relationship. Sure his reaction might be a bit on the severe side"

NO! I did not have anything to do with it as I wasn't even there. I did not even know he went until I called his house and was told and then I called there and then I found out because he already in the bed freaking out by then. I would never do that to anyone!

He was over there to spend the weekend. Not at work when it happened. And to answer your question... No he did not do anything to his brother. Me, I defiantly would have. I said something to his brother and it was ignored. He said he didn't do anything that bad. His brother is a idiot!

Cat1864 · May 7, 2012, 06:42 AM

Actually, there is a thread dealing with the issues from October: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...lp-656476.html

JudyKayTee · May 7, 2012, 07:26 AM

Could the threads be combined? I really hate going back and forth in order to get the whole story and see if both threads contain the same info.

smoothy · May 7, 2012, 08:55 AM

Well, its good you didn't have a part in that incident... I'm not so certain he is completely sure you didn't, and I mean by that there not being any small remnant of doubt remaining, but not knowing him that's just a guess. I'm thinking he's not sure who he can trust at this point... and that might be the root of a lot of things. He probibly trusted his brother before that... so shake off that core level of trust... it effects every other thing you assumed in your life as well and how you see many other things. And will take time to get over.

CoruptedAngel · May 7, 2012, 12:08 PM

Well he does not question the food when we here at home cook. But the companies etc. So many things has been effected by this. Not just in our relationship. But life in general. I have been supportive 100% and more in this for months. I have been patient. Getting down to 7 months now... I miss the hell out of him. Before all that I was completely content with him. This hasn't made me love him any less or anything. I just miss my man. :( And he makes the comment he misses himself too and what we were.

I guess it troubles me so bad because I see him be as passionate as usual about his gaming and his Internet and his friend.

He is such a wonderful person. Smart, intelligent, caring, loving. Like all couples there are issues but I'm getting scared this may never go away and I am not leaving him. He completes me.

smoothy · May 7, 2012, 02:49 PM

Personally... I think he's due for some counseling even if only for that... it didn't happen last week... he should have gotten mostly over it in the last 7 months... its not exactly like someone slipped him LSD, Meth or PCP.

CoruptedAngel · May 7, 2012, 09:38 PM

He has been due for counseling getting him to go is the hard part. I am not sure why it has been 7 months and he hasn't got any better. He is on the computer now and I have spoke to him a couple times and he has yet to answer not noticing. I often wonder if he has Adult ADD also.

I'm going to continue to support him and try getting him to a counselor.

JudyKayTee · May 8, 2012, 05:05 AM

My concern is that you are becoming more of a mother to him than a girlfriend. I do not see this as an equal "partnership." You sound like his caretaker.

CoruptedAngel · May 8, 2012, 06:04 AM

"My concern is that you are becoming more of a mother to him than a girlfriend."

How out of all this did you get that? Because I'm trying to get him to a counselor.

Though I do agree this has become a one sided relationship over the last several months. He always tells me that he is trying but it's the same thing everyday. How is he trying if nothing is changing??

JudyKayTee · May 8, 2012, 08:51 AM

Frankly, there's the age difference. Then he seems to have issues which you are helping him through, worrying about. He games and watches porn - the porn which you somehow force him to watch.

I'm not criticizing. I was in a relationship with a much older man and it was years later before I realized how much of a "father/mentor" figure he was. He was the caretaker in many respects and I (and I was well educated, well employed) was the child in many aspects.

I think it's something you need to take a hard look at. Suddenly the sex has stopped for some reason. How does he look at you? As an equal, a mentor/parent figure, something else?

I also may have missed it but I don't see anything about employment. Who supports the two of you?

WisperWill70 · May 8, 2012, 11:10 AM

Obviously there are other issues impacting the relationship besides the pot brownies/porn considerations. Him going into counseling is a great idea, and should be encouraged.

Back to the porn question though: -- you are not wanting to "happily" watch porn with the intention to bond with your partner, have fun and open up to your sexual intimacy together you're watching it out of fear --- not just because he asked you...
But because you're scared of what will happen if you don't. --- moreover part of you wants to CONTROL the situation because being there and watching it with him feels safer than him watching it by himself. You don't like the idea of him getting aroused by porn period -- but at least if you're there, you feel like you're in control of the situation emotionally. Proof? You get upset with him and dish out the silent treatment if you don't get to control the action by being the one to initiate it. If he "beats you to it" you're angry and hurt.

When you go into watching porn with the intention to control the situation emotionally and be "safe" you're not really enjoying yourself and he feels bad because you feel bad. (buzzkill) He might want to share this with you to connect to you -- a tool of intimacy! But he may also feel your disapproval and upset about this topic (you can't hide it and your reactions prove it every time) and doesn't want to upset you even MORE by watching it on his own in private- so he wants to share.

You must shift your thoughts around sex and porn so that you're not competing with the characters on screen or you can't enjoy it WITH him. You might be better off letting him enjoy on his own. If you open up to porn as it really is (just a tool to get turned on!) you might have fun and find yourself with a re-connecting point to your sexual selves. As a man -- porn is NOT about emotional intimacy with the actresses on screen and it's not even about wanting to have sex with them and then only being able to masturbate or have sex with their second-best partner -- this has nothing to do with you not being "enough".
Nothing whatsoever.

You guys do have some codependency issues though (you admit you're obsessed with making him happy and that yourself worth is tied up in how well you succeed and HE obviously is sensitive to upsetting you as well) you're both acting and reacting out of fear rather than total commitment, trust and spontaneity. Counseling might be a good idea for both of you to get through those factors that influence you as individuals and as a couple.
Good luck!

CoruptedAngel · May 8, 2012, 07:13 PM

The sex hasn't just stopped in general. And though nothing about us having jobs matters in this... Yes we both have jobs. We are vendors on weekends and the flea market and also looking to lease a store for our items. Nothing to stressful.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"He might want to share this with you to connect to you -- a tool of intimacy! But he may also feel your disapproval and upset about this topic (you can't hide it and your reactions prove it every time) and doesn't want to upset you even MORE by watching it on his own in private- so he wants to share. "

This is right on. Because he wants me happy with him. That's what I have said. That's why I want to fix how I am about it. If he cares enough to do that for me I should at least try it. And the last couple times it has worked out great :)

"You guys do have some codependency issues though (you admit you're obsessed with making him happy and that your self worth is tied up in how well you succeed and HE obviously is sensitive to upsetting you as well) you're both acting and reacting out of fear rather than total commitment, trust and spontaneity. Counseling might be a good idea for both of you to get through those factors that influence you as individuals and as a couple."

This is very very true. We both need it separably and together. I went so long him wanting and loving knowing every move I made in my day to day activities. In the beginning we didn't see each other much. Sometimes even a few months at a time. He loved knowing and I loved telling. Then over the last 7 months he don't bother asking and it's a big change for me. His brother really played with his mind. And he doesn't even take blame for it :( (the brother don't)

I depend on his happiness for him. I know I have a problem. My entire life can not be completely revolved around him. Mine and his love is complicated. Your advice is so strong and so good.

WisperWill70 · May 9, 2012, 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by CoruptedAngel

This is very very true. We both need it separably and together. I went so long him wanting and loving knowing every move I made in my day to day activities. In the beginning we didn't see each other much. Sometimes even a few months at a time. He loved knowing and I loved telling. Then over the last 7 months he don't bother asking and it's a big change for me. His brother really played with his mind. And he doesn't even take blame for it :( (the brother don't)

I depend on his happiness for him. I know I have a problem. My entire life can not be completely revolved around him. Mine and his love is complicated. Your advice is so strong and so good.

I bet that when you work on your independence and sustaining your emotional happiness (world doesn't revolve around him) it will help HIM to feel stronger in his own life too (around the brother who messed with his mind) and two stronger people can get stronger together ;)

Relationships change with time and that's not a bad thing. He might have wanted to know every little detail in the beginning but that doesn't mean he doesn't care now that he asks less. In my experience relationships are more like mountains and Valleys than steady flat plains and prairies of sameness... sometimes we're heading down a slope: distant or distracted or going through something personal that takes our focus away from our partner... but it can always go back UP to the peaks of connection and intimacy.