[talaniman]

The point is quality time, and bonding through shared activity, and fun. Maybe she is just doing stuff with you, so make sure you both are having fun, and enjoying it. Stop worrying about where you stand, winning her heart back, or even making love, and just enjoy the moment.

Will this win her back, no one knows, but as long as your both trying, there is hope.

[rsacid]

We went away with her parents for a long weekend, I expected things to go better, things did not go bad but they could have gone better, no fighting. It seems as if I'm doing all the work and she just wants to find a reason to reject me, maybe I'm being overly melodramatic. I talked to my doctor got a prescription for the magic blue pill. Should I mention it to her to show her I'm willing to make an effort to address some of the problems, or will she just think I want only one thing. On another note, Fireproof looks like a pretty good movie, If I rent it will she see the intent. I don't expect miracle over night, but I just want to be there for her, but yet not appear too clingy. Dilemmas.

[talaniman]

When me and the wife have a problem, we talk about it.

[rsacid]

I was hoping to be able to come back onto this site a say I rekindled my relationship. But I can't. A year ago she said she wanted some distance. She agreed we were to work on the ralatiionship. She never told anyone we had broken up but were working on it. I made changes, I went to the doctor addressed my ED problem, I still have the same 8 blue pills I initially got. She would run hot and cold. I went on a mission that lasted 30 days. When I came home she was very receptive to my advances; she let me give her a peck on the cheek and gave a very friend like hug. I was a little mad when I left her house. So I changed my Facebook status to single and wrote her an e-mail telling her How I felt. I never sent that letter. I was too afraid of what the consequence might be. The cat was out of the bag and she was telling all her friends I was OK with just being friends. I told her I could not be friends with her doing stuff with her and any new boyfriend. She agreed to work on rekindling what we had. It seemed the harder I would push to get close the harder she would push away. But, she would call me and we would do stuff together 6-7 days a week. We even went on vaction together. She decided to move on without telling me. I stopped by her house and she had a guy over cooking her dinner. She could see I was hurt and she avoided me for a couple of days. I finally texted her to give me some time to talk to her. She agreed to meet me that night, it was Wednesday. She apologized for sneaking around. She said we needed to find closure because we both could not move on. I showed her the e-mail I wrote her but didn't send. She said she wished I had sent it. There was no ambiguity about what I had wanted in the relationship. I told her how I felt and I knew no matter what I said the relationship was over. I don't think she wanted to put the work into it. She zipped up her jacket and stood up I asked her if she was leaving, she said everything has been said. She asked me if she could call me sometime. I told her if and when she had time to think about what I had said She could call me. She replied she just wanted to hangout or do some activity. I told her see how easy I interpret you calling me with resuming a relationship. I told her the best thing to do is to have no contact. We discussed why that would be the best thing to do. She gets up to leave again and gives me one of the best hugs I have been given in a long time. I wanted to give her a kiss; but I didn't. She walks out my door and down the walkway and tells me I know where she lives. Last night I went over to her parents to say how much I enjoyed there company and thank them for the good times. They told me they did not have any idea and her mother thought we were still a couple even though she had heard otherwise. Her mother said I needed to move on and maybe the time spent apart might make her realize there was more than just friendship. This is day two of no contact and yesterday I was miserable. I know time heals, but 5 years is a long time. I love her and I know she loves me why else would she spend so much time with me. We did activities that strengthen our bond together. She took a nasty spill off her Mountain bike and came to me and cried in my arms. I can't wrap my mind around her mentality that she doesn't see me as a boyfriend but spent so much time with me and still wants to spend time with me. Can anyone give me some insight, I think if I can understand what is going on I can deal with the no contact easier.

[rsacid]

Im surprised nobody has chimed in yet. Day six no contact, very tough having to drive by her house every day. And seeing her new love interest at her house. Yesterday she IM'ed me. What is going on.

[talaniman]

Humans get very attached in long term relationships, and its very hard to cut those attachments, and get use to life without them. You both will go through this.

You must stay with NC until every look, and gesture is no longer triggering false hope, and that takes a long time. I imagine you both will get weak, and try to get in touch again, but that's never a good idea, and only brings more confusion and misery.

But its probably the hardest thing you will go through in your young lives, and its important to see it through. Understanding will come with a proper healing, when facts, and reality have replaced intense feelings.

You have been taken from a familiar comfort zone, and you have to adjust to the world and rebuild yourself, and your life, without her. It may take a few... YEARS!

But time flies when you're busy and having some fun. That's the best way to do this NC!!

[Cat1864]

Keep NC and take the next step of blocking her number. There is no reason to tempt or punish yourself by seeing that she attempted to contact you.

I don't think she has the same feelings for you that you think you have for her. If there is anything more on her part than friendship, it appears to be a need to keep you as a safety net. You deserve so much more than to be taken off the shelf when she needs a teddy bear.

Do things that keep you busy both mentally and physically.

Let yourself heal. Give yourself permission to be happy. Often when we we mourn a relationship, we get into a thought pattern of believing that we shouldn't smile or laugh. It is like we think that to have fun, in some way, denies the depth of the relationship and pain we feel/felt. It doesn't. It is quite all right to laugh and have fun by yourself or with other people. You aren't betraying what you had. You are accepting that life goes on and your heart will mend if you allow it to.

Give yourself time and be patient. You are going to have down moments. Give yourself ways to lessen their impact such as working out, trying new music, hanging out with friends, etc.

Take care of yourself.

[Jake2008]

You said that you had very high blood pressure causing ED, and that you are on administrative leave, with pay. I'm wondering why you waited so long to address the medical end, and why you have not yet returned to productive work.

If you are still at home, you probably have too much time on your hands.

Part of what I'm trying to say is, what has changed between when she left, and now. Other than you wanting her back, and her clearly telling you otherwise by her words and actions, it seems to me, that the relationship is over.

But, you keep hanging on.

Is part of the problem that your own limitations are preventing you from stepping outside your comfort level and getting back to the land of the living? What have you done for yourself, to get back to work, to socialize, to go out with friends. Is the continuous ruminating about this past relationship preventing you from moving on?

I wish for you that you can let the past go, and get yourself back up, clear out the cobwebs, and start planning a life without her. Find friendships that are mutually rewarding; activities that interest you and keep you motivated and healthy; work that is fulfilling.

Nobody can live your life, but you.

[rsacid]

Well, I have been back to work, I was reinstated in March. And, I have received a promotion. Meaning the whole firing was a sham. I have been working and the last year we have been very active together. Going to the gym, hiking, biking and going for walks. At the time of my illegal firing I was stewing about the preceived wrongs and talked about this all the time. Probably too much, my attorney recommended I consult a therapist after I went back to work. I wish I had been told to get one earlier. I'm still working with the counselor, and he can't figure out her behavior. Probably doesn't know what she wants. I'm staying active snowshoed 8.4 miles Saturday, but little things remind me of her. It doesn't help having to drive by her house everyday.

[Jake2008]

Wow! Did I read you wrong. I had an entirely different picture in my head, and I apologize. You deserve a lot more credit than what you got from me!

[rsacid]

As a caveat, moving on is the best advice, and I know in my head I need to, but my heart wants to get back with her. I will post in here to get my thoughts on print, it helps me. I hope she does come back. I have been making huge progress with my counselor; so if a make up is not in the stars then I can put my new found insight into a new relationship.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm coming at this from another angle (probably not a popular one). My late husband was a cardiac patient, had three major heart attacks. I know ALL ABOUT beta blockers and little blue pills.

How did we survive? We were open and honest and, more importantly, HE didn't dwell on our sex life. HE didn't apologize or offer explanations. HE didn't wander around, wringing his hands and asking if I was satisfied. HE didn't attempt to overcompensate - which can happen.

Has OP ever discussed openly and freely the problems with the girlfriend without blame, without apology?

I know how difficult it is to be the patient, the one under stress and strain - but sometimes it's not easy to be the caretaker or the bystander or the cheerleader.

It sounds like OP went though a lot and I don't know that maybe the girlfriend had her hands full, reassuring him, supporting him, whatever else was going on when her World was also spinning out of control.

Clunk! Off my soapbox!

[rsacid]

OK, figure this out; I went to the gym, we both share the same gym. She was there and gave me a wave, I waved back. She finished her workout and came over to me and said hello and then asked me about things I had done this past weekend. We agreed no contact. I picked up a sandwich at subway, and drove home past her house and her new interest was there. She is trying to keep me in her life and have a romantic interest also, I would have given her both. Now do I give up my gym membership just to avoid her.

[JudyKayTee]

I think you need to stop looking at this from your standpoint and read what I wrote -

I realize you are hurting and upset but did you hear anything I said?

[Cat1864]

To me, she gave up any right to have her view point taken into consideration when she started dating another person without being honest with rsacid.

But, she would call me and we would do stuff together 6-7 days a week. We even went on vaction together. She decided to move on without telling me. I stopped by her house and she had a guy over cooking her dinner.

Keep up No Contact as best you can. If you run into her at the gym or another social setting, be polite if you have to talk to her but don't go out of your way to talk to her.

I will be honest that I would treat her as unavailable due to having a boyfriend and leave her alone.

Take care of yourself. She has to take care of herself.

[rsacid]

In reflection, and I so wish I could go back. I do see the strain I put on her because a few people decided to make my life hell. I should have been talking to a professional counselor. And know that I could have taken steps but didn't.

[talaniman]

OK, figure this out; i went to the gym, we both share the same gym. She was there and gave me a wave, i waved back. She finished her workout and came over to me and said hello and then asked me about things I had done this past weekend. We agreed no contact. I picked up a sandwich at subway, and drove home past her house and her new interest was there. She is trying to keep me in her life and have a romantic interest also, I would have given her both. Now do I give up my gym membership just to avoid her.

Are you a paranoid nut? Just asking, because you totally took a friendly encounter, and made it a plot against you. Be sure and tell your therapist, that you have stooped to stalking.

[rsacid]

talaniman I appreciate your advice, I see your point, although I think it is a little too soon. We live on the same road about 1/4 mile apart. I must drive by her house to get to mine unless I want to drive several miles out of the way.

[JudyKayTee]

To me, she gave up any right to have her view point taken into consideration when she started dating another person without being honest with rsacid. .

My concern is that she may have told him and he never heard her. This "it's over" conversation apparently started 6 months ago. Now he's driving past her house slowly enough to see that her new relationship is there.

I think he just didn't hear what she was saying. I see no engagement, no excusive relationship.

I hope I'm wrong because I know he's hurting but I'm not sure she just didn't decide to take charge of her own life again.

[rsacid]

JudyKayTee you may have to break what you said down barney style. I know I just stopped being there for her. I wish I could get a do over. Is that anything close to what you meant. As for the driving by slowly the road has so many frost heaves I have to drive by slow the only alternate is to drive with blinders on