[FrankieDude]

So here's the long story, sorry if it's a little bloated:

I am 27, and my ex is 20. We had been dating for 2 years. We met at work and started, at first, a very casual relationship, but within the first six months, we both fell VERY hard in love. The age difference wasn't an issue (I thought) because she was very mature for her age, having had lead a more experienced life than me. She had already been in love (he was killed, which she never got over) and had travelled a lot, etc.

Meanwhile, I was still living at home, and while I had a good job and good friends, led a pretty sheltered life. Never been in love before her, and never really wanted to. I was an only child from divorced parents, father estranged, and I didn't have good views on relationships. I was very poor to the girls in my life before her.

She changed everything and we had a great relationship, most of the time. We had our ups and downs but we had already decided that we were in this for life, and talked seriously about marriage, kids, and life plans.

In the last couple months, things weren't good, and neither of us were particularly happy all the time. We fought a lot, and she would nag me quite a bit, but in spite of the fights, I never wavered from my view that she was The One. Maybe I'm stubborn like that. I looked at this time as a speed bump we'd get through.

At the start of July, after a fight, she came to me and said that she couldn't "do this anymore" needed a break to get "her" life back. She said she lost herself in the relationship. She said she didn't want to be with anyone else and wanted to see where things would go. I was disappointed because this was happening at a time in my life when I got a new promotion at work (in other words way more responsibilities and stress) and got my own apartment downtown. So I was needing her support and felt abandoned. I told her that while I don't agree with breaks, if she needs it, fine, but to show me the respect of telling me if she either decides it's over for good or if she meets someone else. She agreed.

I was very dumb, and for the first few weeks of the "break" I didn't give her the space she asked for. I was very clingy, very needy, and would call often. She would take my calls, but would end up getting mad at me because I was basically rehashing the same things we'd spoken about. In the end, I think I drove her further away.

Two weekends ago, I was feeling very good about things, and was feeling ready to move on. However, I saw her out at the club, looking great, and fell into a deep depression. I went home right away, and for about 24 hours drank myself almost to death. In the midst of my drunkenness, I called her, sobbing, asking for her back. Obviously, it didn't work.

I woke up that Monday, surprisingly not as hung over as you'd think, and I had an awakening that she is the one, she's the girl I want to be with forever, and if I have to give her space to make that happen, then I will do it. I wrote her an email explaining my actions and apologizing for them, and letting her know they won't happen anymore, and she'll get the space she's asking for. I poured my heart and soul into this email, and while I didn't ask for a response or ask any questions, I genuinely thought, if she had any hope for us, she'd say SOMETHING, anything, in return.

Nope. Nothing.

The other day, a mutual friend spoke with her and asked what she was doing and what she wanted, and reported back to me (I didn't put her up to it) My ex said she just wanted to be alone and was tired of being in a relationship. When pressed if its over, she kept saying "if that's what he wants", putting the onus on me. She doesn't call me. Doesn't make an effort. Deleted pictures of our Cuba trip off her Facebook.

I am really coming to the conclusion that it is over but she just doesn't want to tell me. It hurt so much to admit that after all this, but aren't all the signs saying so.

I am having a very hard time letting go. This is the only girl I have ever loved, and as pathetic as it seems, the only one I can ever see loving. I put so much time and energy into this relationship that I want to FIGHT for it, but she isn't fighting even a little.

I made a promise to myself not to call her anymore, and I am sticking to it, but it is very difficult. Every day I look at my phone, hoping she'll call. I am beginning to reach the point where I don't even think she'll call to say hi.

Any advice?

[liveok]

This is a hard thing to go through, but your future relationships will be defined by this occurrence. Give her the space she has requested and find things to keep busy. Invest in music that will lift your spirit and for gods sake stay away from romantic movies, books, songs, etc. It takes time to heal and maybe she will realize that she wants to get back together, but waiting for her to "decide" will only suffocate your ability to move on. You were able to live your life before her and you WILL be able to live it without her. Heartbreak is a part of life and one day you will look back and be grateful to have met her and to have gone through this. For now, focus on finding the best parts of you and seriously, keep every moment of your life busy. Try meditation techniques to help you fall asleep and avoid alcohol as a way of coping.. its only going to make it worse my friend. Best of luck!

[411Help]

It sounds like you've pushed her away to no return. She's made it clear to you that she doesn't want to reconcile. You just have to pay attention to the signs.

She's told you that she needs space, have you given that to her yet? Nope. Instead of this desperation and needy act you really need to start building a happy life without her. Most importantly, pick yourself off the floor, initiate NO contact and begin healing for the sake of your sanity.

[FrankieDude]

You make good points, and like I said, I'm at the point now of (almost) acceptance. I've pretty much concluded that she's not coming back and it's over.

The fact she is still referring to it as a "break" and I haven't heard it's over puzzles me, but everything else she is saying and doing says she has moved on for sure, so it's time to accept it and do the same.

[silverlining]

I know you said that age is not an issue here but I think this is a fundamental reason why this is happening..

You are at different stages of your lives.. She may seem mature to you but in reality she is just discovering who she is etc. I know because when I was around that age I broke up with a guy who was 'perfect' just because I felt I hadn't experienced enough of life on my own etc..

The only thing you can do is give her the space she asked for.. If you are really meant to be together than she will come back if not you WILL find someone that will be better than her even if you don't believe that at the moment..

[talaniman]

Seems sometimes we need that slap in the face when we get dumped to fully accept that its over, and get closure, but I think if you stop talking to her, and just see it as being over. When the shock and hurt fades a bit you will see that break up, and break are the same thing, and not have false hope, just because of the words she used.

[slapshot_oi]

Any advice?

Follow her lead. No contact. At least she's not tempting you with texts and calls.

I agree with silverlining, age is most definitely a factor. She still can't go to bars yet, she's got a lot of living to do.

[lickemlolly]

At this point you need to start moving on... shes not contacting you so don't contact her.. real simple.. more often then not when she realizes what she's done she will come running back... and more often then not its too late... if she doesn't want a relationship no amount of pouring your heart out is going to help get her back..

[BarnabyJackson]

Frank, I feel your pain man. I'm going through almost the same thing: same age difference, same excuses, same false hope that when the phone rings, it's her. I've gone through this type of loss before, and to be perfectly honest - I was never in love with my ex. But all the feelings of grief over the losing a best friend, coupled with demons I never cleared from past relationships, has made me question whether I am in love with her (ended up telling her I was in the blubbering period we all go through trying to win them back in a last ditch effort).

But here's what I can say. I'm one week NC. It's hard, but I've spent my time distracting myself with friends and family, joined a gym, smoked a lot of cigarettes and downed my share of beers, etc. Difference maybe between us is that I accepted from day 1 I heard it in person, that it is over. Once you are convinced, and go into NC, the healing process can fully begin.

It will be long and hard, but you must accept that it is over. Do not let her string you along - she is healing herself and cleansing her heart of you while keeping you along for the ride. It's comforting her and mitigating her guilt.

You need to be alone and in No Contact. In moments of weakness, come back to this website - we are reading and are here for you.

[FrankieDude]

Thanks all for your words of encouragement everyone. I'm not going to lie, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown the other day before going into work, which led to a very tough day as you can imagine, but I am determined to stay on the path of NC and move on. I haven't called her or spoken to her all this week, and have not even peaked at her Facebook page. All this has been very difficult, but I know it's the right thing to do.

This girl will always, to an extent, own a piece of my heart, however it's time I got my life together.

[Homegirl 50]

however it's time I got my life together.

That about sums it up. She is gone and it's time for you to get your life together.