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blular75 · Jun 26, 2010, 11:27 AM

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I have a bit of a problem with my current boyfriend. I know and/or feel that I am an attractive woman and I know he thinks so too-he has told me so. Problem? The only time I feel he tells me is when I try to "fish" an answer out of him or when we are intimate with each other. I want to look good (make-up & hair done,etc.) for myself as well as my boyfriend and when I do this he either doesn't say anything which leads me to think he's A. not noticing,B. doesn't care, or C. just has a lot on his mind.
I have mentioned this to him and he told me he's just not like that because his ex-wife kind of steered him away from doing that to her, because he works ina place where the majority of the employees speak a foreign language and because he is anti-social.
So what to do? Get all pretty and attempt to fish a comment/compliment out of him, hope he notices that I look good, or not even attempt to look good for him. PLEASE HELP!!

Wondergirl · Jun 26, 2010, 11:34 AM

My suggestion is for you to get pretty for yourself, and not for anyone else. I'm married to a man with Asperger's who has never noticed how I look and never has complimented me. I could be wearing my pajamas for three weeks straight 24/7, and he wouldn't notice. I've learned to dress and look good for ME, so I feel good about myself.

blular75 · Jun 26, 2010, 11:35 AM

Thank you. I appreciate the advice.
But, it just feels like I'm not appreciated, you know what I mean? I don't have to do this and I go out of my way to do this and,it's like?!

Wondergirl · Jun 26, 2010, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by blular75

Thank you. I appreciate the advice.
But, it just feels like I'm not appreciated, you know what I mean? I don;t have to do this and I go out of my way to do this and,it's like ?!?

If he's not one to notice how you look (and some guys aren't), you may be spinning yourself into a tizzy for nothing. Try wearing something weird when you and he are alone, like a pair of heavy winter boots during the summer or a Yankees cap backwards on your head or something unexpected and very un-you, and see if he notices. If he doesn't make any comment, you may be stuck with a guy who just doesn't look at outward things. Of course, if you drape yourself across a new red sports car or wear a hockey uniform, he might notice that if he's into cars or sports.

Is there anything about you and your talents that he does notice -- your homemade chocolate chip cookies or your pot roast? That's what my husband notices about me -- my cooking and baking.

talaniman · Jun 26, 2010, 12:46 PM

You sound a bit insecure, and if he has never been the complimenting type, why do you expect him to change? Sure maybe he learned this from a previous relationship, that failed I might add, but don't take it personally, as the way he is has nothing do do with you.

I think once you stop fishing for compliments, you may better be able to mention that it would be nice to get them every now and then, but won't be as disappointed when you don't.

Its not good to tie your own self esteem up in the actions, or words of others though, as that only raises your own expectations of your partner, high than may be reasonable. That's when the problems start.

And they have already. I think he still carries the scars from his previous relationship though, so how long were they together and how much time between his ex, and you has gone by? How long have you been together? How long have you been living together?

sully123 · Jun 26, 2010, 03:18 PM

Your not going to change him. If he doesn't compliment you now, he is never going to compliment you. It is was it is. I wouldn't take it personal. You have a choice either accept him for what he is or find someone who will compliment and praise you.

pandead · Jun 26, 2010, 04:08 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think once you stop fishing for compliments, you may better be able to mention that it would be nice to get them every now and then, but won't be as disappointed when you don't.

Its not good to tie your own self esteem up in the actions, or words of others though, as that only raises your own expectations of your partner, high than may be reasonable. Thats when the problems start.

Have to spread some rep, I totally agree with this. We all need compliments every once in a while. I used to be the same way and when I changed my hair color from brunette to red a few years ago, I had to ask my ex if he saw anything different... He answered "do you have a new piercing?"... It hurts to notice that they don't look at us or even worse, they don't care.

What to do? Build back yourself esteem. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror right before I go out and I think "wow, I look good today". I don't force myself, even if it doesn't make a difference, even if no one will see it (every woman knows what something like new underwear can do for self esteem) you have to look at yourself and stop waiting for others to see it.
Once you are happy with the way you look, you can go out in sweat pants and an old hoodie, people will ask you "if you changed something"... Good luck!

positiveparent · Jun 26, 2010, 04:15 PM

Hey you could try doing a christina in chaps with red nicks on, I bet he would notice that, LOL
( mine did when I wore similar)

Maybe its because you're fishing for a compliment that you aren't getting one, you could maybe breeze past him nekkid, if that doesn't work forget it. He's blind,.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kaej4Wjkj1Q

positiveparent · Jun 27, 2010, 02:30 PM

Some Men are just not observant, if you put your hair in curlers and donned a scarf though and wore some dowdy old dress, he would notice then, and no doubt complain.

I think its probable he does notice you but doesn't think to make any compliments.

Even the most attentive men don't compliment their women everyday and that's fine, I think its when they complain one needs worry if at all.

Hes there he's with you, let that be enough, I know everyone likes a compliment once in a while, but its not the end of the world if we don't get them, its better to have a compliment with real meaning that to have one said just because maybe the person giving it thinks they have to.

Look to yourself for validation, if you feel good in your own skin then who needs compliments, it is a sign of insecurity or vanity wanting compliments.

Well that's all I can advise you on this subject...

Have you complimented him lately?

positiveparent · Jul 27, 2010, 03:28 PM

Contents deleted seems post was duplicated some how

positiveparent · Jul 27, 2010, 03:52 PM

Hi OP I did post a reply to the above question regarding your b/f selling his prescription drugs but somehow it went awry.LOL

Anyway in response to the situation of your b/f selling his prescription pills to other people, I agree with you whole heartedly, this is both illegal and immoral, IMO.

If he should sell these pills to others and one person has an allegic reaction to the pills, he could find himself in jail, and that person could also lose their life.

However what you can do about it I am really unsure, You could maybe try to talk to him again and explain what the dangers in doing this are, and hopefully it would get the point over to him.

I do feel he is being very wreckless in his actions.

Maybe someone else will come up with a better suggestion.

I do agree with you it is wrong, and as stated Im also sure that his selling any pills to others is also considered as being dealing.

Sorry if not very helpful in this.

Alligrl93 · Apr 17, 2011, 08:52 AM

My boyfriend of over a year does the same thing, I have to say you should make yourself look good if YOU want to, not for anyone else. If you don't feel like doing your makeup one day don't, because it's for YOU.. But if you do really want him to notice then don't do your hair or makeup for a few days, then the next time you do he should notice.