[cantgoback]

Please don't yell and put me down for this. I have suffered depression and have already attempted to end my life three times over this. The guilt is eating me up and I have no clue why I did this.

My ex boyfriend dumped me and he had very good reasons. I betrayed him by omitting, so basiclly a lie. I am not proud of this. I want to make ameds with my ex boyfriend for what I did because I don't feel I will ever forgive myself for this. Here it goes...

I ended up pregnant while we were dating. Not a big deal we accepted it. The problem is we live in a small town everyone likes to be involved in everyone's life. I was always brought down as a child that I will never be good enough, always having to prove myself, every step I took was a mistake to my father. There is a lot more. This may help you understand the rest.

Anyway, the people in town started telling my then boyfriend that it was his friends kid and at that point I knew something was wrong. I have a good gut intuitioin and have with my ex, even now which is weird. He never communicated this to me, but I knew something was wrong as he started pulling away and telling me there was no spark. We still stayed together. I found out from a few other people that everyone is saying it is someone else's baby. I don't even go out unless it was with him and we lived together.

I ended up having a miscarriage which was stress related from everything that was going on. His parents were gettig divorced, his dad was living with us, he was losing his job. His mom lived across the street. I didn't tell him about the miscarriage because I was too worried about proving to everyone else that it was his baby. So I got pregnant again with him and it took a few months. I started to become crazy when I realized what I did and did not know how to fix this. I mean this guy was the only one who never cut me down, he inspired me, and taught me a lot. So I suggested and abortion and he went along with it. He at this time did not know how far along I was. After that we still lived together but I couldn't live with myself, that was my first attempt at ending my life. I knew I hurt someone so bad and I know what it is like to be hurt. I left that day after I tried to end my life. A month later I told my ex the truth.

He was angry and I expected that. He called me crazy, he said he never wanted to see me, or talk to me again. Hard we live in a small town. I felt so guilty and still do and it is almost 3 months. Finally got the stuff out of his house. After that I tried to kill myself two more times. One of which he must have had his own intuition and called the cops to check on me. The last time we were out in public at a bar in a pool tournament. Everyone knew what happed and they knew I was on meds. They kept telling me I was never pregnant in the first place and all this it made me flip. I took all my pills and drank. I went and got all my medical records from the clinic even and gave them to someone to read.

I have did good and haven't called the ex. I feel so guilty I never meant to do this. I don''t really know what happened or why I felt like I had to prove it was his to everyone else. We talked today. He will not let me make amends even though I am trying so hard too. He told me he never wants to talk to me or see me again. I should move out of town.

Will his anger and hurt towards me ever go away? Will my guilt ever go away? I really need someone to talk too. I can't talk with my therapist right now..

Can anyone talk on Yahoo or anything? I really feel sometime that ending my life is the only way to show how sorry I am.

[Wondergirl]

Ending your life WILL NOT show how sorry you are.

Your therapist is the exact perfect person you should be talking to right now!!

What can I do to get you moving?

[cantgoback]

I see my therapist two times a week. It is hard because I am really a good person I have no clue what the hell happened.

I have a heart that is so big and I know he hates me. He will not tell me that. He will not tell me anymore that I am crazy however, I have heard from people that he has said it still.
I dropped some of his stuff off that he must have thought was mine when he packed my stuff up. I told him I am trying really hard here to show that I didn't mean to hurt him. Then he went on the I never want to talk, see, or hear from you again in anyway.

I guess I am hoping he would get over the anger so we could talk one day. I mean he inspired me to do things I have never done or completed.

Everyone says people say things when they are angry but I am thinking this is a forever thing.

[Wondergirl]

My computer has been on since 9 this morning and went kaflooey, so I had to reboot. I hope you are still floating around here somewhere.

First, let's get you together. Then you can take on other stuff.

Let's talk about the therapist. What's going on with you and him/her? Why don't you feel like therapy is helping?

[cantgoback]

There are so many issues from my past. I guess it doesn't help because we live in a town of less than 1,000 people and everyone is in my face about. I'm trying to not let people's talk get to me again but it just isn't working.

[dynocompe]

Just so you know ending your life doesn't show how sorry you are, Ending your life actually shows a VERY SELFISH act and person. Ending your life will not make anything right, and if anything does happen that you were hoping, you will not be around to see it anyway, so it does you no good. People will just chaulk you up as crazy. The best thing for you to do is to continue therapy, I would even suggest moving from that town if its an option, then you can fully start over, with a new beginning, then when y ou have yourself together, you could come back and show everyone the new you! Once you have fully healed and our happy with yourself, I am sure your ex will be more open to forgive you. A persons stability is more see through than you think. I know you can do it! I know your down now, but I guarantee you, once your in a happier place you will be so excited for life. I wish you the best, and if you ever need to chat you can pm me,and we could chat via your chat messenger of choice.

[cantgoback]

It doesn't look like I have the option to PM you. I would like to chat if someone has some time. Just don't know how to get ahold of you.

Thanks!

[redhed35]

Write down in a letter all you feel and have felt,and don't send it to your ex...

In time perhaps he will want to make amends but right now forgiving yourself is more important.

Continue with therapy and improving yourself esteem and confidence..

Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has regrets,but only you can change your life for the better and only you can bring happiness back into your life.

[sully123]

You made some poor choices, and that's OK, but now you have to change and move forward. Killing yourself isn't the answer that's when they think you are crazy. First place, why would you ruin your own life for one single person in this world. Aren't you worth more than that. WE have all been hurt sometime during our lifetime. We learn from our mistakes. You have to respect your ex boyfriend's wishes, he doesn't want to talk or see you right now. You're the only one that can bring happiness into your life, no one else. Your in therapy, your headed in the right direction. Stop immediately blaming yourself for everything, it takes two. You had a tough childhood, so get yourself together. You need to let things settle down, and stay away. Too much has gone on, and in time maybe you guys can talk. It doesn't happen overnight, you both need space. Work on you, and stay focused on only you, your not a bad person. Good luck.

[talaniman]

You are overwhelmed at this time, and anyone would be given what you have been through. I think the key for you is to realize it, and stop trying to make everyone see how good you are and stop trying to make your boyfriend see it.

Maybe he did bring out some good feelings in you and motivate you to do some good things for yourself, but you have to know that those things were already there in you to be brought out, and you just have to learn how to do this yourself.

The love you have for him, must now be turned to you, so you can heal from the trauma you have been through, and want good things for yourself again, just because you deserve it.

That's where you start, knowing you're a good person, and forgiving yourself for past mistakes. We all make them, even your boyfriend, but we learn and grow and deal with those growing pains, by loving ourselves.

Only then can you be ready to make amends to others, but in your case, your putting him before you, and that's not healthy. You know this, but the guilt he has made you feel doesn't deserve amends, nor any efforts to make them. The harm was to you, and from that you must recover, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

So love yourself and do some good things for yourself, and share that love with those that deserve it, and he does NOT.

Make your amends to YOURSELF, first. That's the way to go, and the rest will work itself out.

Be patient with yourself, because you deserve better, and over time, and with help, you can heal.

[Wondergirl]

It doesn't look like I have the option to PM you. I would like to chat if someone has some time. Just don't know how to get ahold of you.

Thanks!

I'm here and am glad to help. In fact, I'll be here most of the day and will watch for you.

[cantgoback]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I think the thing is when I am feeling good and trying to face the issue head on. Not let people get to me they push and after awhile I flip out.

The other thing is I want to stay positive I mean if the guy really had no feelings for me how did he stay with me as long as he did. I guess my gut intuition tells me that him and I will talk one day there just needs to be a big cooling off period. I mean it has been 3 1/2 months but that is a lot of pain to cause someone and betray them like that. It's just people always tell me it is never going to happen. That we will never talk again.

The thing they don't understand is that Nobody knows what happens in the future. It is just the current way they are feeling. That is like saying two people that get married and say they are never going to get divorced and it happens.

I want to get my life together and come back in to town and show them. When your not acting crazy and flipping out after you get your head on people are not going to notice right away but they will in time.

The way I betrayed him he does not know when or if ever he is going to be able to trust another women again.

Wondergirl.. I would still like to chat when you have time.

[talaniman]

Don't argue, you didn't betray him. You made the same mistake we all do. You didn't communicate before you acted. Takes two, to honestly communicate ones' feelings.

One talks, and the other has to LISTEN. That's why its not all your fault, nor should you make it ALL your fault. He just hasn't admitted his part in this, so feels no guilt, or responsibility, and that is definitely NOT your fault.

[cantgoback]

Don't argue, you didn't betray him. You made the same mistake we all do. You didn't communicate before you acted. Takes two, to honestly communicate ones' feelings.

One talks, and the other has to LISTEN. Thats why its not all your fault, nor should you make it ALL your fault. He just hasn't admitted his part in this, so feels no guilt, or responsibility, and that is definitely NOT your fault.

That is true. I mean if he had some feeling that I may have had a miscarriage or anything why didn't he ask me? He doesn't know how to communicate. He stumbles when he has to tell me something or I have to bring it up first.

[talaniman]

I bet he runs his mouth to others before he talks to you though. If he talks to you. That's why everyone thinks its okay to be in your business because he invited them, and they only have his side of it.

These are facts to consider, BEFORE you accept blame for something that may not be any of your fault.

You have to know unless you feel guilty, he cannot be responsible for his own shortcomings, or do anything about it. Why should he? Your own guilt lets him off the hook, and its probably been going on a while, maybe since day one.

I get the feeling that your eyes are opening, and understanding is coming slowly to you. It's a process that takes time and only after the emotional dust has settled, and you have taken him off that great pedestal you have put him on.

Your world has revolved around him, and that's what he wants, but what did he give you after the initial attention you needed way back when.

I think when you can see clearly again, he is the one who didn't deserve you, and your whole thinking will be different.

Little wonder you snapped under that kind of betrayal by him. But Your becoming aware, and no doubt you will love yourself and protect yourself. Then those amends you don't owe, will look different, and irrelevant, because he is the one that owes amends.

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl.. I would still like to chat when you have time.

I'm here and have time. Can we keep it on this board (that's what we are supposed to do)? It will help others who read it. I know it's not the same as a one-on-one chat, but maybe we can get some things accomplished.

[cantgoback]

I guess talaniman is right in away. It does take two to communicate and whenever even before the miscarriage I tried he always was busy or distant. He would just walk away.

He never even asked me or told me he heard the baby was his friends. I had to ask him if he heard it when I found out people were saying it and all he said was I knew for a few weeks which was right around the time he started pulling away. He also said he wasn't going to ask because of course your going to say you didn't sleep with my friend even if you did.

He figures that because an old girl he was with was with him and another guy at the same time.

So how could I communicate with him when he didn't want to communicate with me?

[cantgoback]

Also his excuse was we were living together and he couldn't deall with me nagging so he felt he had to sleep with me all the time.

I think the nagging and arguing was coming from when he wouldn't communicate with me when I wanted to talk with him about it and try to tell him so many times. All he did was go out with the guys.

[redhed35]

Its difficult to change someone's mind when they already assume wrongly...

He didn't trust you,that's not your fault he just tried to make you pay for his exs cheating.

That's his problem,you don't need to make it yours,for now or for other future relationships.

Having a good relationship takes work,patience and compromise,but first you need to have those qualities with yourself.

Its hard building a new life and getting to know yourself and loving yourself,but a happy you is the key to a happy future.

Learning to deal with problems that come up and letting go of old hurts takes time,but it's a skill you never forget,even in hard times.

[Wondergirl]

I think the nagging and arguing was coming from when he wouldn't communicate with me when I wanted to talk with him about it and try to tell him so many times. All he did was go out with the guys.

So that's one little part of all this you can forgive yourself for because it was a failed communication that wasn't all your fault? You wanted to resolve it, but he didn't want to go there. In fact, he chalked up your attempts to talk with him as nagging and arguing that you did out of frustration. Sounds like a few guys I know!