[emathis]

I have been engaged for 8 months now... my fiancé and I have had little problems like communication and such, butn othing serious. Recently, her grandmother was given less than a week to live due to cancer. Also, she has had a dui, tons of bills to pay and let her bodygo a little. She said she needs her space, wants to do the things she used to do... workout, make money, find a better job, finish her masters, etc, etc. She said she needs to figure herself out and commit 100% to herself to make herself better and love herself for her before she can commit to someone else. She still said she loves me and if it is going to work it will, then we will get back together. Is this her saying she basically wants to end things slowly and let time take over to get over me or does she really want to just work on her problems to make herself better and in this tough time with her grandma to focus on family or is she just throwing me away for good?

[Yosomoton213]

Well, the only thing you can do is give her what she wants.

However, if I were in a committed relationship, I would want my significant other around for support with all of this. She may be using this, and all of the other things, as an excuse to break up.

Either way, just give her what she asks, and I would start to prepare for her not coming back.

[UnluckyDucky]

It's difficult to worry about if the color of the walls in the living room will match your new couch when the house is falling down all around you. It looks like, at least to her, that your relationship is that last thing she's worried about given all these things happening to her.

I think Yosomoton is right on the money here... Only she knows what her true motives are. Given the circumstances, it does look like she has a lot to work out. In times of trouble, our partner is there to lean on and help us when we need it. My best guess is that if she isn't asking for you to help in any way, shape, or form you should treat it like a break up. Granted, some people will deal with issues in their lives in different ways, but if you've been engaged for 8 months and all this stuff is happening - it would be sort of expected that you'd be much more involved at least with emotional support at the very minimum and it doesn't sound like that's happening.

Was there any discussion as to whether she expected you to wait and not date around, or cancellation of wedding plans, etc.

[Tinkerbell2004]

Everyone deals with their issues in different ways. Yes, you don't know her real motives, but maybe she really does just need to figure herself out. How close was she to her grandmother? Death can do funny things to people. Maybe because of the news of her grandmother not having much time to live has made her question the way she's been living her life lately && needs to get back to a comfort, a way of life she had before you two were engaged. It may not be that she wants to break up at all. Everyone needs space every now && then.

If her initial plan is to slowly break things off with you, then there's nothing you can do about this. While she's taking her time, take your time && get back to the things you love to do. If it's meant to be it will be. Always keep in mind the saying "if you love something set it free, if it's meant to be it'll come back to you". If she plans on ending things, you might as well be comfortable in your own life as she is in hers. Don't let this hurt you. I wouldn't recommend going out and finding someone new, as breaking up with you may not be her intentions at all.

This could all be a sudden realization that she isn't ready as she first thought about a long term commitment. Just give her the space because there's nothing you can do. If you try to push yourself into being there for her when she doesn't want you there, you'll just make things worse && then the relationship really could end, when perhaps it wasn't going to.

Good luck!

[amicon]

Echoing Unlucky Ducky-have the two of you discussed this -or is everything just up in the air?

Generally speaking,when a person says they need space I would say give them all the space in the world and get busy living your own life.

[Romefalls19]

Give her the space she wants, personally whenever I heard that line, I would go about my life as if she wasn't coming back this way you're not disappointed.

[emathis]

We have discussed this... I don't really feel the need to have to be not together in order for her to accomplish what she wants, but she said she can't commit to someone else when she can't even commit to herself. She wants to fix herself before being with me and making a commitment. What do I do? I love this girl so much and am afraid of losing her. I don't want to move on or find another person. With everytihng going on in her life, maybe she is just trying to fix herself and everything to make herself better to make our relationship better, but there is no reassurance that we will in fact be back together. Waiting around sucks and I don't want to lose her!

[UnluckyDucky]

Unfortunately, you're under the misconception her maintaining a relationship with you is your choice. If she's made the choice to leave, there's nothing you can do to change her mind. Any effort on your part to pull her back into your life will ultimately make her push you away even further and faster. You've already communicated with her - and considering the problems in the past with your communication, that might be playing a role here. The truth is she probably has already made up her mind about this. I don't see this working out in your favor unless she has a willingness to discuss her problems with you and is open to your support. Couples are supposed to lean on each other in difficult times.

Are you willing to wait it out KNOWING that in the end it may not turn out the way you want? Or will you carry on with your life while she sorts things out and even if it you two don't reconnect, you'll already be in a better position than you were if you had just put your life on hold and just waited?

I won't argue that waiting sucks, but I will say that you can choose not to wait.

[I wish]

In a healthy relationship, when one person is having personal issues, they draw strength from their significant other to overcome obstacles.

Your girlfriend is doing the opposite. Actions speak louder than words. She can give you whatever excuse she wants, but her actions show us that she's pushing you away for whatever reason. The fact that she doesn't believe that she can draw strength from your relationship means that the relationship is failing.

Couples should be helping and supporting each other, as well as working together. If she wants space to figure things out, then you mine as well go your separate ways. Making you wait around for her is definitely unfair to you.

[Newguy2009]

In a healthy relationship, when one person is having personal issues, they draw strength from their significant other to overcome obstacles.

Your gf is doing the opposite. Actions speak louder than words. She can give you whatever excuse she wants, but her actions show us that she's pushing you away for whatever reason. The fact that she doesn't believe that she can draw strength from your relationship means that the relationship is failing.

Couples should be helping and supporting each other, as well as working together. If she wants space to figure things out, then you mine as well go your seperate ways. Making you wait around for her is definitely unfair to you.

This is the perfect explanation and I wish I could have read this when I was going through the "I need space" phase of my break up. It would have saved me a lot of pain and suffering.

I wish: you are so right! "The fact that she doesn't believe that she can draw strength from your relationship means that the relationship is failing." I wish I could have realized this because I was sitting around waiting and trying to give her what she wanted but in the end she had already made up her mind. I told her I would always be there for her but she chose not to "lean on me"

If you think you can be one of the 2% that gets back together after the "space thing" then go for it. Wait around like I did and see what happens. Its no fun to wait and then get crushed even worse. My advice to you and this will stem off everyone else on this board is get on with yourself. At least she told you before you were actually married. The truth, my friend is this is likely over for the two of you. I wish it didn't have to be that way but it is.