[J. Sparks]

Hi there,

Great website, great community.

I've been reading lots of relationship threads here
Over the past 4 days.

Here's my short story :

I had a 4 Year Relationship,

She put me on a pedestal for 2 years, I enjoyed it and took advantage.
I should have just appreciated all the attention as it was continuously well and truly over the top, but I took it for granted.

I had just came out of a long relationship so her companionship really helped me to heal.
I wanted to wait and wasn't looking for another relationship to take it's place, but she was so wonderful and caring I couldn't resist.
I was always in a state of awe.
"No one has ever done these things for me, to good to be true. . .etc"

So finally she's come to her senses and doesn't want the relationship anymore and now I realize that I do love her terribly, that's just how it happens - I finally let go of my past (inside my heart) that was eating me up.

She had not contacted me for 2 weeks, she hasn't "said" that it's over,
She won't say it unless I make her angry. . But I know it's over.
When you know it's over - rover, you know.

She called me everyday several times for the last 4 years and now doesn't.
We were best friends etc. All the good stuff.
I missed all the red flags and looking back I realize that she has been thinking about leaving for the last 12 months.

So I sent her a card, because she likes postcards I got an email a week later,
Thanking me and letting me know it was very sweet "BUT . . . blah blah blah we're always fighting, I don't want to fight"

Actually we have only had 2 small petty fights in the last year but we've been walking on egg shells
For the past 12 months so things haven't been the same when you're
Trying not to step on each others toes instead of having fun like we used to.

If I chase her, she will run, I know it. It will look needy.
So I decided to N/C her from the day I received her email 3 days ago.
She's a very intelligent lady, she will read through any tricks so I haven't tried to do so.

She's gone away for Christmas to see family for the week.

OK here's my stance.

If she's not in my life, that's OK, but I would like her to be, that's why I'm here naturally.
I'm glad in a way she has dumped me and not the other way around.
I wouldn't want to break her heart, she's very special to me, but I didn't let her know it.

OK. So I'm asking for advice here from all you guys with much experience.

1. I've realized my mistakes. Don't take advantage !
Treat her the same as she treated me, make every time like the first time.

2. She has every right to leave, so I'm not going to fight her decision.


So I know my only choice is going N/C.

If she comes back I'll be happy, if she doesn't I'll just accept my errors.
My perspective is a lot different now that I can look back.
I don't mind having the break either, permanent or otherwise because I started to
Not be myself. Relationships have a way of suffocating you and you start to die the little
Death because you're trying to please someone instead of letting it flow.

It isn't that way in the beginning, that's why you're attractive, you are "yourself".
So I haven't been myself for a long time and visa / verse.

I'm going to N/C her for 30 days and see what happens, I'm not going to wait around like a puppy
Although I am, in effect doing so by coming here,
But I'm just not going to think of her as much as possible for that time
And re-evaluate and focus on myself. I will think of her during the day that's only natural, but as soon as I consciously realize I will stop it.
What ever happens happens, I'll work it out when (or if) she contacts me.

So my question is.. .

If she contacts me.. . I don't want to look like I want her or she may come back
Into the relationship for a short period and realize it was a mistake and make a permanent decision to go.
It seems to be the normal pattern with couples.

"once an EX always and EX".. . And so forth.

So if she contacts me should I ignore ? She will say I ignored her etc...
That's OK.

But how long is too long for N/C if she really wants to come back ?

I guess that's my question to all you guys.

How long is too long ? I know it's subjective but what are your thoughts ?
What's your experiences ? Thanks guys!

I didn't answer her email back, I don't want to seem 'jumping' 'needy' or 'desperate'.
I "have to" look like I can take it or leave it.

Which like I said, I will be able to take it and start again but I won't if I don't have to.

A part of me also wants to just go and sow my wild oats and have some fun,
But that's because I'm human and I haven't had any fun for over a year.

I'd rather sow my oats and have fun with her. She was great to me.
But she turned off the tap, that was the Red flag of denile that I missed.

Anyway guys thanks and love to hear from you all.

No matter, let the criticisms fly and maybe something will click !

Tell me your thoughts, ask me questions, fire away.
Nice to meet you all! :)

Jay. Sparks

[RadioActive697]

Well its seems you are kind of needy. Just ease off a little. Let the stuff happen naturally instead of planning how many days to wait and so. If she does contact you then tell her how you feel and if she never contacts you then just let her go. Its going to take time buts its not the end of the world. You will find a much better girl. But its good you learned from your mistakes. But goodluck!

[J. Sparks]

Ok. Thanks.
I'll let it go.

[RadioActive697]

Its your decision okay? I don't want you to feel that I forced you to decide that answer. Okay? But goodluck and merry christmas.

[J. Sparks]

Yeah, I'm OK.
I'll let the universe work itself out.

If she contacts me back, whenever.. .
I'll see how I feel then.
She thinks I'm hurting. Yeah I am a little bit.
But not that much. ;)

[RadioActive697]

Well that's good and again goodluck and I know things will get better for you!

[J. Sparks]

OK thanks.
I'm open to anyone else's opinions too because
I did write a bit more than I thought I was going to.
It was just flowing.. . Anyway so it's day 3
I'm going to day 30 and see how I am because the mind
Changes it's mind all the time. So I want my feelings to just settle and be clear.

[RadioActive697]

K and welcome to the site.

[Newguy2009]

Hi there,

Relationships have a way of suffocating you and you start to die the little
death because you're trying to please someone instead of letting it flow.

Buddy Im going through the same thing. Last month I set myself a goal of NC for 90 days. I figured by that time I would have closure or know if it was "meant to be". Well all went well for almost 4 weeks when she contacted me by email last week. I was really doing well and didn't have one desire to contact her. Saying she hopes I had a good Christmas and New Year and hoped that I was doing OK then asking for me to send her her mail. So it resets... :mad:.. :(... I texted her the next day confronting her about a relationship she was having with a married man. My anger and frustration came back full force. I guess what I am saying is that there is no time set aside to heal, everyone is different. Just don't be available. I still haven't sent her mail but I will just when I get around to it.

You are right though about not being yourself. Over time we lose ourselves in relationships and forget who we are, constantly trying to make the other person happy. That's when you know a relationship has failed or if you are lucky, you wwill notice it before it fails and correct it. Like I said everyone is different and you just have to go NC until you feel it is right or she proves she wants you back. I made a goal for myself of 90 days because in the beginning of the breakup I was begging, pleading, all that no-no stuff.

[Newguy2009]

How old are you both, just curious?