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Johnny c 66 · Nov 18, 2009, 02:58 PM

We were together for 1 ahd ahalf years we were totally in love with each other she didn't want me to have anything to do with my ex but at times I had to so I didn't tell or lied "big mistake" I know now, only because the divorce was so bitter but I have kids but now the kids are worked out so I don't have to see the ex at all she calls my ex lucifer totally can't stand her she introduced herself to me at a nice restaurant I was at the bar she saw me sit there and she came and sat next to me

She told me I was the man of her dreams and the love of her life and she never loved anybody the way she loves me every body that seen us together thought we just met we have excellent chemistry and passion as she wrote in the last letter my ex texted her a text saying that I wanted to get back together with her on oct 6th and she freaked and dumped me plus she's mad the final stamp on the divorce is taking so long but it is scheduled for dec.3rd.

When she broke up with me she said I ruined her life because she wanted to be with me forever.

I believe she still loves me because of the way she acted towards me I left her a message after that last email she called me back last night and was asking why I did the lies and was crying I told her I loved her and I am going through a divorce with a looney ex and was totally never through this door before and I wasn't thinking rationaly and made a lot of stupid decisions plus my doctor gave me some meds to relieve some of the stress but I didn't take them and she's mad at that too

Johnny c 66 · Nov 18, 2009, 03:02 PM

Oh and I asked if we could have dinner and she said yes for Saturday night I know she's angry and hurt last week she said when we meet for dinner Im sure sparks will fly and good night my love I'm confused and she's very confused

Synnen · Nov 18, 2009, 03:26 PM

Sounds to me like NEITHER of you are mature enough to deal with an adult relationship.

YOU lied to her about your past, and about contact with your ex, and apparently about what you had for lunch. How can she possibly trust you if you lie about the little things? How can you have an adult relationship without trust?

SHE is acting like a teenager with her break-up. She needs to let go, admit she can't trust you--no matter how much she loves you--and move on.

YOU need to keep to "no contact" and learn how to be by yourself for a while. Going from married to almost divorced with a relationship in between is pretty crappy behaviour.

Johnny c 66 · Nov 18, 2009, 03:30 PM

I was out away from the ex for 2 years don't be so sinicle I never lied before Im not a liar but I did lie and it was to save so much arguing but it did backfire she said she didn't want to know anything she used to get so mad about things

Synnen · Nov 18, 2009, 03:31 PM

Wait... so she couldn't deal with the fact that you HAD a past, and you couldn't deal with talking about your past with her because it would cause arguments, so you lied about it?

Yup... sounds like teenagers to me.

Seriously--if you can not have open and honest communication in a relationship, you don't have much of a relationship.

Johnny c 66 · Nov 18, 2009, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Sounds to me like NEITHER of you are mature enough to deal with an adult relationship.

YOU lied to her about your past, and about contact with your ex, and apparently about what you had for lunch. How can she possibly trust you if you lie about the little things? How can you have an adult relationship without trust?

SHE is acting like a teenager with her break-up. She needs to let go, admit she can't trust you--no matter how much she loves you--and move on.

YOU need to keep to "no contact" and learn how to be by yourself for a while. Going from married to almost divorced with a relationship in between is pretty crappy behaviour.

So can I work this thing out with her I think we can

Johnny c 66 · Nov 18, 2009, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Wait...so she couldn't deal with the fact that you HAD a past, and you couldn't deal with talking about your past with her because it would cause arguments, so you lied about it?

Yup...sounds like teenagers to me.

Seriously--if you can not have open and honest communication in a relationship, you dont' have much of a relationship.

OK now can you help me instead of belittle me this is what she did I want to work things out I don't have any more lies it was all in the beginning and she knows all I want to regain my trust and take little steps to get back together will the final divorce stamp be a factor all her friends want me divorced

Synnen · Nov 18, 2009, 03:45 PM

Well, I'd want you divorced too.

Technically, you're still married, and no woman wants her friend dating a married man.

Can you work it out? My gut instinct says "no". Too much damage done--and regardless what anyone says, there's no starting over. The foundation of your relationship is already laid... you can only build on what you've already got.

If you're both serious about working it out, get a counselor involved.

zippit · Nov 19, 2009, 09:23 AM

She is very hurt and feels betrayed I think part of the answer is why is she so upset?

It could be because she felt like you would never lie to her and that what you two had was stronger than that

It also could be that she Didn't want to get involved with a guy that has that kind of baggage

If it was me the second one would be my issue and if that's the case you and her are DONE chalk it up as a lesson learned,never try to hide you'r past from someone that you are establishing a rtelationship with.

Johnny c 66 · Nov 19, 2009, 02:19 PM

So should I just skip the dinner why are we going for dinner, she keeps crying on the phone saying why did I do this why did I do that, isn't true love forgiving, patience,not keeping a record of ones wrongs I was thinking irrationally going through a crazy divorce totally stressed out and worried about the kids but its pretty much over

talaniman · Nov 22, 2009, 10:31 AM

Sorry guy, but trying to build a future, while still having the past haunt you is never going to work.

Trying to have someone in your life and someone from the past, will never work.

WHY???? Because your skipping the whole healing process and throwing together a life thats still full of conflict and resentment, but neither you, your wife, and especially not the new girl is concerned with anything but their own feelings and thats a motive that will never work either.

Unless you get the healing process right, you can never resolve any of the conflicts you now face, and make better decisions for yourself.

And that's why things are the mess they are now.