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JustLaw · Sep 24, 2009, 02:01 PM

Hello. This is difficult to write and explain so please hang in there with me. There are a few things jumbled up into this whole mess that are throwing me for a severe loop.

My boyfriend lives out of state. He and I talk every day. Lately he is getting into this bad habbit of saying he will call at one time and not call back for almost two hours later, of course, he never forgets, yah right.

That plays into what happens later, so here it goes...

Tuesday night I talk to boyfriend at 10:30 pm, he tells me he will call me back in half an hour, he leaves a voice mail at 1:00 am. To me that's not cool.

The next day, Wednesday. I was at my sisters house which is two hours away. Everyone else was out or on their way back to her house. My brother in law and I were at my sisters alone. He walks into the living room where I was sitting, pulls down his pants, his underware grabs my ches (all in one instant) and then says to me,. "lets do it...wannna do it". I pushed him away / off and when my sister got back with my daughter, we left.

Before they got back he said either "don't be freaked out or don't be all freaked out" and asked me if I was going to tell my sister.

They were going to divorce last I saw them. He is still there and last night things seemed pretty OK.. so I guess those plans were on the back burner...

When my sister gets back with my daughter, I get my stuff and head home. I didn't tell my sister yet. I was so upset and didn't want to be MORE shook up for a two hour drive home and scare my daughter with the confrontation.

So on the way home I call my boyfriend and tell him what happened. He is upset and scared for me. I was not physically hurt. He is furious at what my brother in law did and then starts the questions. He didn't like I handled it... and so this is what he had to say...

He was MAD. Then he was going on and on about why I didn't tell her right then and there and told me "you won't listen to me, you are going to do what you are going to do" Asked again if I was OK and then said "You have an exciting life, no guy ever comes over and drops his pants in front of me"... that part was supposed to be funny in his lame attempt to lighten the mood, but I find it HORRIBLY INSENSITVE and cruel.

He was finishing up at work and told me to call him when I got closer to home. I did just th at at 8:30 p m. I also mentioned to him about calling me back when he says he is going to... he got bent out of shape and said he isn't going to argue about that... said he would talk to me later, and bye... he then hung up. That was at 8:30 p m last night (Wednsday).

The brohter in law left a voice mail message on my phone this morning (Thursday) apologizing saying he doesn't know what came over him and he will never do it again, and that he is ashamed of himself. I didn't take the call nor will I call back.

It is now 4 pm and I have not heard from him since 8:30 pm Wed. night. Not one call to see how I was feeling. I was and still am very upset and hurt... more than I can express. I fell like I have no support from the boyfriend, hell I don't.

The brother in law is a scum sucking jerk. The boyfriend isn't far behind in my mind right now. The boyfriend will call later telling me how busy of a day he had and so on and so on.

I'm sorry, if the love of my life had been sexually assaulted or abused, no busy day would keep me from checking on them...

I'm so lost on so many levels... but I feel such a huge slap in the face by the boyfriend, the one who should be there.

0rphan · Sep 24, 2009, 02:32 PM

Hi justlaw... firstly ditch the boyfriend, he's messing you around, no support at all, puts you down, sees and calls when he feels like it... get rid, he's no good for you.

You must tell someone about your brother-in-law, how dare he.
He is deceiving your sister, she should know about this.
I wander how many times he has done this kind of thing behind her back with somebody else?

Turn the situation around for a moment.
If it were your husband and he'd done to her what was done to you... would she tell you? Would you want to be told?

Would you rather share a bed with a man who I think is somehow perverted!

In my opinion there is no way any person could keep this to themselves for any length of time,
There will be situations in the future where I am sure you will find yourself alone with this man for what ever reason, maybe baby sitting or for someother reason, how are you going to explain that to your sister when you say no I'd rather not.

I think she deserves to know, if a few years down the line it happens to come out, you will take the blame because she was not told.

JustLaw · Sep 24, 2009, 02:46 PM

Orphan, I know I have to tell her, I just don't know how right this sec. I'm still in utter shock. I think of their kids and grand kids. He was married before and has children with his ex wife. I keep seeing their faces and it kills me. I feel so guilty about things I had no control of and I know I did nothing wrong, but still feelso guilt ridden.

The boyfriend, I don't know what to say about that right now. I don't think I have high expectations at all. I really feel like he is way out of line and I can't wrap myself around the notion that he hasn't even called once today to see if I am OK. He has proposed, professed his love for me and my kids, was just here for a visit, and this is how he acts when something like this happends??

I mean how do you not call to see how the other person is, it's not like I broke a toe, I was sexually assaulted. I'm confused.

Cat1864 · Sep 24, 2009, 08:33 PM

I hope you still have the voice mail message. You might need it to back up your story.

Don't feel guilty. That is part of what he is counting on to keep you from telling your sister. If they are trying to make it work, she needs to have all the facts so that she can make an informed decision. Keep this in mind, the sooner you tell her the less time he has of making up something that makes you look like the aggressor.

As for the boyfriend, I would suggest if after this you decide to keep him as such that you talk to him about how you feel about being "forgotten". It sounds like he is taking advantage of the fact that he knows you will be there even if he keeps jerking you around.

It may also be time for you (plural) to decide if the long distance relationship is working or how to compromise in ways that work for both of you.

paxe · Sep 24, 2009, 08:49 PM

First off, it's easier said to break up than do to it. Anyhow the long relationship is not ideal, you should try and talk to him. I mean communication is the key here and as your boyfriend he has the right to know what is going on in your head.

simoneaugie · Sep 24, 2009, 09:35 PM

Is there someone you could bounce the assault information off before bringing it up to your sister? I mean, like a good girlfriend or a counselor of some sort.

Yes, you were assaulted. You're reeling, freaked out and in shock. You need to confide in someone who is supportive and un-biased.

It sounds like your boyfriend has issues. He may not be the person to lean on now... or ever.

JustLaw · Sep 27, 2009, 03:00 PM

I have called a counselor and am going to call back to set up an appointment. This happened last Wednesday, the 24th and I took the kids out yesterday to a fest. I live 2 hours from the jerk and while out I felt so scared. I know he wouldn't be there, but I felt the need to keep looking over my shoulder.

My oldest who is nine said to me last night "Mom what's going on with you, you seem odd, not like yourself." She went on to say that my voice is low and sad and I have sad eyes. I'm crushed. Hopefully I can get into a good counselor.

As far as the boyfriend, after talking to him at 8:30 Wed. night (read above) he ended up calling to "check up" on me on his drive home from work on Thursday at 6:00 p.m. He didn't want anyone to hear him checking up on me regarding the circumstances... so I guess saying "I'm here for you" was expecting too much??

I have told him how I feel... I'm very up front with that. When he called on that Thursday I let him know what I was thinking about not calling when he says he would and that overall with this whole situation I told him "you dropped the ball buddy". He said he didn't want to hurt me or say the wrong thing... and then questioned my saying "buddy".

Today is Sunday and I have heard NOTHING from him since. There's my support. I feel like I have been double gut punched.

I know it angered him what happened, but I think he could have put his hurt feelings and anger about it on the back burner and focused a little more on what happened to me... it's not like I busted a toe, I was sexually assaulted.

How does someone who says they love you so much... just not call, because they don't want to say the wrong thing or whatever his reasoning is... to me, that's cruel.

Cat1864 · Sep 27, 2009, 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by JustLaw

How does someone who says they love you so much....just not call, because they don't want to say the wrong thing or whatever his reasoning is.......to me, that's cruel.

I am glad you are going to see a counselor.

On the boyfriend issue, I think they sometimes feel they are in a no win situation. They say something and it gets taken the wrong way or it seems to down play the seriousness. They don't say something and they end up looking like insensitive idiots.

It's like they don't think of saying "I am here if you need me" or "Is there anything I can do?" or even "I love you. I wish I could be there for you."

JustLaw · Sep 27, 2009, 04:34 PM

Cat, I wish it was that with the boyfriend. He was upset about what happened, very angry I won't deny that. He seemed more upset about how angry he was than how I was feeling. He kept telling me how angry HE was and how he saw RED and how he didn't like how I handled the situation.

The night it happened, I had asked him to return calls when he said he would... that was an issue I had BEFORE the assault. He then said to me that he didn't want to get in a fight and would talk to me later. I didn't hear from him until the next day after 6 pm.

He didn't call to see how I was, to check on me... to let me know I was there for him... nothing. Two seconds out of his day to say I love you would have made a world of difference in not feeling so alone in all of this...

So between his being angry at me of how I handled it all, his dumb comment about my "exciting life" and his, I'll wait to call her... I told him he dropped the ball.

He said he didn't want to hurt me and he would talk to me later. How about stepping it up... how about not making it about you... how about realizing that the woman he says he loves more than anything was sexuallly assaulted and be there for her... I don't think it's that difficult.

Instead I am reeling from this and I haven't heard from him since Thursday...

Maybe I am wrong, but there's no excuse. I was assaulted.

Cat1864 · Sep 27, 2009, 04:49 PM

Best advice I can give is to talk to the counselor about the boyfriend as well as the assult.

I really do hope that venting here is helping with some of the stress and anger. If nothing else that it is helping get your thoughts in order for the appointment.

I wish there was more I could do than just listen.

JustLaw · Sep 27, 2009, 05:25 PM

Cat it really does help just to be heard and I want to thank you and everyone else for doing so.

jmjoseph · Sep 27, 2009, 06:08 PM

Justlaw, I'm sorry for your situation. I know you need a hug. Is your mother around?

Now, I want to know why you can't call your sister and tell her what happened to you. That in itself will make you feel better. You have a tremendous burden on you, and you need some help with it. I am glad to hear that you are going to see a counselor.

Get this guy out of your lives, now.

Now for the boyfriend. Has he always been so selfish? How does he treat you normally?
I know if something like that happened to MY girlfriend, I would race to her side and make sure she was OK. Then, I would have a face to face "talk" with the brother in law. I usually don't believe in violence, but I honestly don't think I could let something like that go unpunshed. I know that's going to make a lot of our members mad, but...

I think maybe you've seen that your boyfriend is no help in a crisis. Him trying to make a joke at a time like that shows a lot. As far as him not calling, that's just very uncaring or he's not that smart. Maybe you need change of partners. You obviously don't like the way he treats you.

The brother in law needs punishing. By all means possible. Who knows that he wouldn't do something like that to a minor?

Time will help you heal.

May GOD give you strength and peace.

JustLaw · Sep 27, 2009, 06:34 PM

Jmjoseph,

The boyfriend was and I am sure still is VERY angry. It is hard because I live near Chicago and he lives near Texas... so I am sure there is a sense of helplessness on his part... but there is more than one way to be there for someone.

When I told him th at he dropped the ball, he said he didn't want to say anything to hurt me... so that will be his reasoning for not calling, so that he wouldn't say anything bad.

When I told him about calling when he says, get got a bit miffed that I brought it up. I'm sorry but if you tell your partner you are going to call in a half hour and you don't call till two hours later and it starts to be a pattern... well... then there is an issue.

He swears by his love for me. He tells me I am the love of his life. He wants to marry me... blah blah blah.

I guess I expect too much. How do you not call to see if your girlfriend who was sexually assaulted by a family member is OK... PERIOD... because he didn't want to say anything to hurt me, because I may take something the wrong way and get my feelings hurt?? That's bull.

He definitely needed to step it up, not cop out which is what he is doing. I am floored. It doesn't make sense to me... I haven't heard from him since Thursday... callous. I don't get it, how do you act tha t way with someone you love. You don't, you suck it up and you step it up and you treat the person with care, especially at a time like this. You don't cower in a corner and have what seems like a hissy fit.

Ok I know I am venting on him a lot. But, he should be there for me...

I can't change what happened with the BIL... I am going to counseling for that... I am all over the place feelings wise, which is why I really needed the boyfriend, more than ever.

I feel like one of the most important people in my life has turned his back on me in a crisis. It's breaking me...

Thanks for letting me vent, it helps just to get it out.

Influence · Sep 28, 2009, 03:07 AM

The BIL needs to be out of your life altogether the deepest circle of hell is reserved for those sort of people he'll get his just desserts but I do agree with jmjoseph a face off is exactly what I would do.

As for your BF he needs to step it up if he loves you as much as he says he does let him prove it.

Good luck with the rest of issue

JustLaw · Sep 28, 2009, 07:03 PM

I had my first counseling appt today and it was ROUGH. I could barely look at the therapist. I would love to take a bat to the BIL. The therapist explained that a lot of what I was feeling is normal... but I don't feel normal.

The boyfriend, she said was SELFISH and she said she was putting that mildly. I told her that he will come back later and say that he was afraid that I might take something he said the wrong way. He kept saying he didn't want to upset me or hurt me and this is what he will end up saying he meant by that statement.

EVEN if that were the case, it's mind boggling to get why he has not contacted me. I can't call him, I am so hurt. I don't want to call him. I feel as if I do, that I am begging for his support and I should not have to do that, nor will I. This in no way feels like love to me.

She explained that basically it's betrayal all the way around. I agree, the BIL violated my trust and my family. The boyfriend turned his back on me.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone or I am looking at it all wrong on both counts?

Cat1864 · Sep 28, 2009, 07:14 PM

It makes perfect sense. You shouldn't have to beg for something that should be freely given. He let his feelings dominate and cause you more hurt. He should have given you the validation that instead you are getting from a bunch of strangers and a therapist.

It may not seem like it but what you are feeling is normal (as normal as anything is).

Is she going to help you deal with telling your sister?

JustLaw · Sep 28, 2009, 09:08 PM

We didn't get that far yet, but I am sure she will. That's going to even harder than the rest of this... :-(

Another thing I won't doubt the boyfriend saying is that I could have called him (during all this time).

But by his choosing not to call in claims that he didn't want to say the wrong thing and have me take it the wrong way, and keep from hurting me more, is actually about HIM and not me... correct?

Today I was at a store. I saw the same guy in two nearby isles and was SURE he was following me and staring at me. He wasn't, but that's how freaked I am.

amicon · Sep 29, 2009, 01:03 AM

Freaking out is a normal reaction considering what you have been through so try not to worry too much about that.
As for your boyfriend he s not given you the support a mature loving partner would.
He comes across as a weak selfish immature person and Id seriously ask myself if Id want to be with him if I were you.
Therapy s the way to continue.
I hope it goes well for you.
Keep posting all the best to you.

JustLaw · Sep 29, 2009, 05:38 AM

Thanks guys. I really do appreciate all of this.

Cat1864 · Sep 29, 2009, 06:01 AM

I am just glad that you are getting help now instead 6 months or a year down the road when new "self-protective" habits would have had time to set in and the resentment/anger had a chance to harden. So many people wait, hiding from the pain, anger and disillusionment and that makes healing even harder and more difficult.

You must be a very strong woman to face this without running away for even a week or so.