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endlesspain · Jul 20, 2009, 11:13 AM

OK I'm used to break ups with girls by now, and you give them their space and move on with your life, yadada... however this time I got involved with a very religious church going girl, and after a couple of sexual encounters... I noticed she was very hurt for what she did.. I said I would make changes since I care about her, but she said she wants to focus on God, and she wants to bring him into our lives so things work out for us in a spiritual manner in the future, and the she said she loves me, but don't think we are ready to date since we aren't doing it with the intent of marriage yet... This is something Im not used to dealing with during a break up, most girls just want to get you out the picture, not include you for a plan in the future. By the way, I do love this girl, but I don't know what the future holds, I could go along with this idea just to get hurt by her finding somebody else in the future(after all technically we aren't in a relationship anymore.) I also don't know how to act, no contact is usually brilliant, but its not like she doesn't want me anymore, won't that push her away? Should I act the way I was acting toward her before I was in a relationship? Or should I treat her like she's nobody special... should I still pick you p whenever she calls? I really don't know what to do and could really use some help.

kctiger · Jul 20, 2009, 11:17 AM

Sounds to me like her priorities do not match yours. The point of dating is to find compatibility within each other and whether that leads to marriage or not is fairly premature to even consider. If I were you I would treat this like any other break up and move on. I just don't see how she plans on "dating" anyone if her entire purpose is to get married to the person she is dating. I have NEVER dated a girl with an original intent to get married.

Move on, disappear from her life and do your thing.

endlesspain · Jul 20, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Sounds to me like her priorities do not match yours. The point of dating is to find compatability within each other and whether that leads to marriage or not is fairly premature to even consider. If I were you I would treat this like any other break up and move on. I just don't see how she plans on "dating" anyone if her entire purpose is to get married to the person she is dating. I have NEVER dated a girl with an original intent to get married.

Move on, disappear from her life and do your thing.

Its not that easy though, I got to the same church now, and I working on myself, so Im not all wrapped into it like she is, not yet anyway, and I am going to still have to see her regardless, sadly she's not one of the type of people I can avoid due to circumstances... and like I said I do love her, which is something I don't feel to often... and am a 100% sure she will be calling me, so if I want any possibility in the future with this girl, I just want to know what my best moves should be...

NeedKarma · Jul 20, 2009, 11:24 AM

So she's into pre-marital casual sex AND wants to focus on god?

kctiger · Jul 20, 2009, 11:24 AM

I guess the best moves would be to act like a gentlemen and just be yourself. Be casual, but don't make it a point to go after her or get a hold of her. Seems like a lot of confusion to me, but it's your call.

endlesspain · Jul 20, 2009, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

So she's into pre-marital casual sex AND wants to focus on god?

I wouldn't say casual, she was my girlfriend after all, and religion just came into her life like two years ago, so I'm sure anybody would slip up now and then when they going out with somebody...

NeedKarma · Jul 20, 2009, 11:34 AM

I think she's confused as to which way she wants to go. Better wait it out.

Alty · Jul 20, 2009, 11:36 AM

I may be totally off on this one but here's what I think is going on.

She wants to get married. By pushing you away she's forcing you to either fish or cut bait.

She had sex with you, even though, if she's as religious as you say, this is against her beliefs. Maybe a taste of forbidden fruit to lure you in?

Like I said, I may be completely off, but that's what I'm thinking is going on.

If I'm right, you have to decide. Do you want to be played, are you ready to make a commitment to her? If not, then move on.

talaniman · Jul 20, 2009, 11:43 AM

If you want to pursue dating, and religion, go for it, it may work, if you both agree on the boundaries your working within. It may work, it may not, but thats the risk of any relationship.

Notice I said, "if you both agree on the boundaries your working within", That means COMPROMISE, not all her way, or not all your way.

That's what would make my decision, whether or not, you both are willing, to work together, to resolve your issues thru honest communications, to the benefit of you both.

Sound fair to you??

endlesspain · Jul 20, 2009, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you want to pursue dating, and religion, go for it, it may work, if you both agree on the boundaries your working within. It may work, it may not, but thats the risk of any relationship.

Notice I said, "if you both agree on the boundaries your working within", That means COMPROMISE, not all her way, or not all your way.

Thats what would make my decision, whether or not, you both are willing, to work together, to resolve your issues thru honest communications, to the benefit of you both.

Sound fair to you??

Lol, I was waiting for your input, but at the same time, is it wrong to be available or talk to long when she calls or comes up to more or anything? As I said I'm not trying to push her a way with clingyness

talaniman · Jul 20, 2009, 11:56 AM

If your working together to define, and establish common ground, you have to talk don't you? Just me, I have always been sort of straight forward when there has been a need to be, as we can chit-chat about BS, after we get the concerns on the table. Just me though. I just like to keep confusion down, especially on my end. Then with facts we can proceed.

Fair warning though, that approach has gotten me dumped really fast in the past. :eek:

endlesspain · Jul 20, 2009, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I
Fair warning though, that has gotten me dumped really fast in the past. :eek:

Dumped fast just for trying to work on their terms?

endlesspain · Aug 4, 2009, 09:11 PM

Threads merged.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she is always being selfish, and doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself, but I do love her. Do you think me breaking up with her will make her re evaluate herself, and change to work things out with me?

Torrid13 · Aug 4, 2009, 09:14 PM

Honestly, I doubt she'll change.

Can it be changed? Yes. But it takes HER deciding she's going to change. Have you ever talked to her about your feelings regarding this?

You need to let her know it bothers you and give her a time to fix it in the relationship. If she's not willing to make any effort at all, I'd let her loose.

But give her a chance first in the relationship, then go from there.

amicon · Aug 4, 2009, 09:20 PM

You did the right thing. She needs to grow up, but no one can do that for her. Get on with your life. Leave her to fix her own. Take care.

endlesspain · Aug 4, 2009, 09:20 PM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

Honestly, I doubt she'll change.

Can it be changed? Yes. But it takes HER deciding she's going to change. Have you ever talked to her about your feelings regarding this?

You need to let her know it bothers you and give her a time to fix it in the relationship. If she's not willing to make any effort at all, I'd let her loose.

But give her a chance first in the relationship, then go from there.

She said she loves me, and doesn't want anything to change, but I know if I just take her back immediately that nothing is going to change and no lesson will learn. She also sees fault in what she did, so I want to see what its like to have the person she mentally abuses not be around and appreciate everything that was done for her, but I really don't want to lose her either

Torrid13 · Aug 4, 2009, 09:29 PM

If she abuses you in any sense, that's not love. That's ridiculous, that's what that is.

Cut your losses and let this chick go. Stick with her, and nothing will get better. It'll only get worse, because you put up with it.

Seriously. Say "HASTA LA VISTA, BABEH!"

amicon · Aug 4, 2009, 10:22 PM

I agree one hundred percent.abuse is NOT on.

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 4, 2009, 11:38 PM

This sounds exactly like my situation with my ex. She also wanted to "focus on god" and putting him first in her life, so sex was no longer OK. She asked me if I ever thought of marriage, She had been my girlfriend for just over a year, and I mentioned that not in the near term, but I saw it for us down the road. When I explained how I didn't think we were ready yet financially, points in our life, etc... she broke up with me like 3 weeks later out of the blue after our first "moderate argument" ever. Yeah... I just completed day 12 of NC here and am just staying out of her life. I would recommend you do the same. On my end, I kept just being me and acting how I always did around her and that was apparently "manipulating" her and hurting her or something. I found it best to remove myself from the situation, I was not going to become the bad guy. I am as pure and wholesome of a person that you're going to find. So yeah, long story short I recommend NC and start working on yourself. It sure feels good learning a new skill and getting ripped at the gym in your free time :)

I wish · Aug 5, 2009, 05:58 AM

You shouldn't be breaking up with her because you hope that she will change. That's called "false hope". How long do you plan on waiting for her? What if she never changes? Are you really going to wait forever?

Break up with her because you don't think will work out or if you had a change of heart.

Otherwise, if you have hope, then stick by her to help her through it, but don't waste your time if there's no progress in her behavior.