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Confused2684 · Jul 2, 2009, 10:04 AM

Ok, so not to make this too long, I've been dating my boyfriend? For 8 years now and we were engaged. This year a lot came out, I found out he's been on dating sites for years and then I confessed I cheated on him 2 years go. Well, considering the fact that I had also cheated on him, I decided I do want to work things out with him. For a month and a half after we broke up he was after me saying he was going to show me how he was going to gain my love back. Then, we had an argument and he said forget it, this has been a nightmare. After that I've tried to talk to him and all because after 8 years and I still love him and he says he still loves me I do want to work things out with him. So, we've been seeing each other and when we do he acts all loving . Holds my hands, kisses my forehead, and we've kissed and hugged and gone for walks to the park. However, he says he's still confused and unsure of us continuying but that he doesn't want to loose me either. That he just has so many feelings that came in all at once because we have been through so much in the past 8 yrs. So I am really nervous and scared. He acts like he loves me and asks me to see him and treats me like his girl when we together, but then he gets these mood swings where he says we should take things slow because he's confused and don't want to hurt me. I am so devastated because I do want to finally start fresh and forget all the bad things. I do love him and he makes me feel like he loves me. But then why is he so confused? Is this normal?

I wish · Jul 2, 2009, 10:30 AM

Sometimes, after dating for so long, and especially for first or second serious relationships, you have no clue when to let go. There are so many red flags. The trust is completely shaken between the two of you.

After 8 years, both of you will always have a place for each other in your heart, but sometimes, it's best to go your separate ways.

If you feel that you have a chance together, then both of you need to put a lot of work. But the problem is, relationships aren't suppose to require so much hard work. Things should happen more naturally.

Bottom line, if you don't feel happy, regardless of your feelings for him and vice versa, then it's best to go your separate ways.

slapshot_oi · Jul 2, 2009, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by Confused2684

is this normal?

In situations like yours, yeah it is. You both cheated so neither person trusts the other, but your still emotionally involved. All this crap clashes and causes weird behavior.

Stick to plan A and choose not to work things out.

88sunflower · Jul 2, 2009, 12:22 PM

You can't just hang on to the good memories. Everything makes a relationship work, the good and the bad. Those memories will make you want to hang on. But you are who you are and if you try to work on it, it will go back to what it was. You cheated on him for a reason. That's a red flag. He was in dating sites. Was he just looking for fun. Maybe to see if he knew people. Or was he posting as a single man and looking. Then that's an issue. Its hard to make that break when the routine of you together has been there for 8 years. But before you take the jump I think you should both go at it alone for a bit. Try to clear your heads and decide what's important. You both made mistakes and that's taking away the trust. Trust is important.

Justwantfair · Jul 2, 2009, 12:22 PM

After eight years and just reaching an engagement, your relationship has had red flags for along time that you were not seeing.

You cheated 6 years into the relationship and he has been subscribed to dating sites this whole time. You claim you 'cheated' on each other but all you mention was him on a dating site.

Your goals seem different and something has been holding back your relationship.

Maybe those fears are rooted in some truth.

Confused2684 · Jul 2, 2009, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

After eight years and just reaching an engagement, your relationship has had red flags for along time that you were not seeing.

You cheated 6 years into the relationship and he has been subscribed to dating sites this whole time. You claim you 'cheated' on each other but all you mention was him on a dating site.

Your goals seem different and something has been holding back your relationship.

Maybe those fears are rooted in some truth.

Well in reality no we didn't just get engaged. We were enaged 2 years ago and I know it sounds crazy but the only reason I cheated on him was kind of like a selfish act cause I knew I was engaged so I felt like it was my only chance to know what it was like to be with another guy before getting married. After that we just held off the wedding for a while because of financial issues but now all this happened :( He claims his dating sites was curiousity.. Maybe the same thing I felt? I don't know.

Confused2684 · Jul 2, 2009, 12:30 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

You can't just hang on to the good memories. Everything makes a relationship work, the good and the bad. Those memories will make you want to hang on. But you are who you are and if you try to work on it, it will go back to what it was. You cheated on him for a reason. Thats a red flag. He was in dating sites. Was he just looking for fun. Maybe to see if he knew people. Or was he posting as a single man and looking. Then thats an issue. Its hard to make that break when the routine of you together has been there for 8 years. But before you take the jump I think you should both go at it alone for a bit. Try to clear your heads and decide whats important. You both made mistakes and thats taking away the trust. Trust is important.

Well he was in dating site supposibly for curiusity and I cheated because after I got engaged I thought it was my only chance to know what it was like to be with another guy. He claims this was his same reason for joining dating sites.. curiousity. It's just weird because we've been soooo close this all seems like a nightmare and now to see him confused is killing me :(

Justwantfair · Jul 2, 2009, 12:32 PM

What you felt is an excuse now for your behavior.

Your issues are deeply rooted in the procrastination game.

You have only recently confessed and you are equivocating being registered on a dating site with sleeping with another person?

I think there are bigger problems here with not being on the same page with your relationship.

Confused2684 · Jul 2, 2009, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

What you felt is an excuse now for your behavior.

Your issues are deeply rooted in the procrastination game.

You have only recently confessed and you are equivocating being registered on a dating site with sleeping with another person?

I think there are bigger problems here with not being on the same page with your relationship.

Yeah, I guess you could be right. I have no proof that he ever slept with a girl. However, I am not sure about not being on the same page. All I wanted was to get married with him, and as what he says that's what he wanted also. I guess we were both pretty messed up. I just feel 1. Angry and myself, 2. Angry at him, and 3. This anxiety and depression because we were so stupid to allow all this to happen while so in love. Our love has been string and after 8 years we were showing each other more and more love. He's treated me like his queen. It's why is so hard to see my love run away :(

88sunflower · Jul 2, 2009, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by Confused2684

Well he was in dating site supposibly for curiusity and I cheated because after I got engaged i thought it was my only chance to know what it was like to be with another guy. He claims this was his same reason for joining dating sites..curiousity. It's just weird because we've been soooo close this all seems like a nightmare and now to see him confused is killing me :(

You get engaged to be with the love of your life, the one person you want to only be with the rest of your life. Not to go out and sleep with someone else to know what it will feel like. That's insane. Your not ready and I don't think he is either. Just take your time apart and find yourselves first.

Confused2684 · Jul 2, 2009, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

You get engaged to be with the love of your life, the one person you want to only be with the rest of your life. Not to go out and sleep with someone else to know what it will feel like. Thats insane. Your not ready and I dont think he is either. Just take your time apart and find yourselves first.

You're right... But I guess there's a detail I missed to put here . After I did that 2 years ago I regreted it with ALL my heart. I felt so ashemed I did something so wrong just to know what is was like. I must say my ex fiancée was my first, we started dating and I was barely 16, now I'm 25. When we got engaged I was 23. I know is nooo excuse but I must say after I did that I felt like I was going to burn in hell and I litirally got sick where I had to go to the doctor and I was sick for 2 months. After that I noticed how strong my love for my fiancée was and that I should have NEVER done that. Sad story is when I became completely aware he was what I wanted, his curiosity started... :( Sorry fot the long message but I think it is important that I state hwo serious I became about him after I noticed what a HUGE mistake I had done.

Justwantfair · Jul 2, 2009, 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by Confused2684

You're right... But I guess there's a detail I missed to put here . After I did that 2 years ago I regreted it with ALL my heart. I felt so ashemed I did something so wrong just to know what is was like. I must say my ex fiancee was my first, we started dating and I was barely 16, now im 25. When we got engaged I was 23. i know is nooo excuse but I must say after I did that I felt like I was going to burn in hell and I litirally got sick where i had to go to the doctor and I was sick for 2 months. After that I noticed how strong my love for my fiancee was and that I should of NEVER done that. Sad story is when I became completely aware he was what I wanted, his curiosity started... :( Sorry fot the long message but I think it is important that I state hwo serious I became about him after I noticed what a HUGE mistake I had done.

Everyone makes mistakes, but the fact that you are just now facing these factors is going to hinder your relationship. A mistake from two years ago, should not still be a hindrance or a consideration of your relationship today. Unfortunately, you have taken along time to address this issue and now you are both going to have a difficult time moving past this.

If he is wary or your relationship now, then you both need an upfront sit down to discuss the future of your relationship. Being your first serious relationship, you may not know the signs that show that a relationship is over, especially if you aren't the one ending the relationship. Time for a lenghty conversation and to deal with the future of your relationship.

talaniman · Jul 2, 2009, 06:42 PM

Your both confused, because you can't work together to identify, and resolve your issues. You both may be willing, but it takes more than hand holding, and good times together. You actually have to work together, and that starts with communications.

After 8 years? You should both know what you want, so find out what he really wants, and why he can't get it, or maybe he has it the way he wants it.

I suspect he likes things as they are, and doesn't want any changes, so where does that leave you? With a big decision to make.