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Tag11 · Apr 16, 2009, 07:45 AM

I am feeling completely lost lately. I am 42 and divorced with two sons (4 and 7). My marriage ended because I left after years of no love in my marriage. That was 3 years ago. I didn't date or even go out for a long time. About a year ago I was asked to a new years eve party where I met someone and after several months started seeing. I started feeling like there could be love in my future once again. We dated for two months before either of us aid the L word, and it was her that said it first. In the first few months she was very caring and seemed to want to be with me whenever she had time but all of a sudden about two months ago she seemed to change. She doesn't tell me she loves me unless I say it first and she never calls unless I call her. We only get to see each other on the weekends because she has to be home for her son. He goes to his dads on the weekends and for the first six months we were dating we spent every Friday and Saturday together. But then she started finding reasons to not see me very much. She used to text me in the middle of the day just to say hi and say "I love you". It has bee months since I have gotten one of those from her. I know I am a bit needy sometimes but what I am missing is her love. I tell her every day that I love her because I never want her to question my feelings. At the same time she leaves me questioning hers all the time. I would just walk away but I have deep feeling for her now. What should I do, should I give up on this or keep trying to make her happy?

I wish · Apr 16, 2009, 07:51 AM

There are two ways to look at this:

1) Sounds like the excitement of a new relationship has died down dramatically and she's just getting comfortable.

2) The more likely option is that she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. It was fun while it lasted.

Your best bet is to talk to her about this. Ask her where the two of you stand in terms of relationship... near future and distant future.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2009, 07:56 AM

Its very human to want affection, and attention, but I suspect you have latch on to another, and have too much emotional investment, and dependence on this person.

I don't think your having a very balanced lifestyle going, nor are you making the right adjustments, to yourself, for you to be less dependent on her, and more dependent on yourself.

A more balanced life, gives you a better view of your options, and actions, that must be made.

Tag11 · Apr 16, 2009, 08:22 AM

All I have ever asked of her is to be honest with me and if she does care for me and love me, show it. She did for some time but that has changed like I said. I asked her about it and her response was " I started feeling something I told myself I would never let myself feel again". I have been good to her and would do anything for if she wanted. But I can not be the only one in the relationship that puts out the effort to be happy. I just need her to be honest with me, If she loves me tell me if she don't, Then let me go. BTW, I have tried end our relationship but she cryed and told me she didn't want me to go. She said she would try to be more open with her feelings but that lasted less than a week. Like I said in my first post, I love her and I don't want to loose her but I can't be in a one sided relationship.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2009, 09:39 AM

Your needy, and insecure, not a good thing for a partner to be. No way can she meet your high expectations, or demands.

I wish · Apr 16, 2009, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your needy, and insecure, not a good thing for a partner to be. No way can she meet your high expectations, or demands.

Have to spread rep. Harsh but true.

She obviously does care about you, but you're asking too much of her. The fact that she's still with you and not wanting to break up with you already means that she has feelings for you. Can't you see that she's fighting for you? She wants to give it another shot.

Is there a reason why you feel so insecure about her feelings for you? Did she do something to make you doubt her?

Tag11 · Apr 16, 2009, 11:08 AM

She lied to me once in the beginning and it is hard to forget. Shortly after we started dating she told me she slept with her ex and after a week she decided she was better off with me. I forgave her but the trust is hard to regain. So when she turned a cold sholder a few months ago I started feeling like it was because she wants him again. And yes, I know I'm needy.

Tag11 · Apr 16, 2009, 11:28 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your needy, and insecure, not a good thing for a partner to be. No way can she meet your high expectations, or demands.

I know I'm needy. I know I'm insecure. What I'm asking is, what can I do? How do I give her space when what I really want is more time with her? I am a person that needs someone to say I love you and say I miss you if they do. I want to know that sometime in the future we could have a normal life and live our lives together as a happy couple. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if she really loves me and wants to be with me. If you love someone they should know it in your actions and there should never be any doubt. I am a person that says what I feel when I feel it, so if I love you I say I LOVE YOU! If I'm mad I tell you why. If I'm sad I want someone that see's that and wants to help. Just knowing that someone care that deeply for you make you feel good.

I wish · Apr 16, 2009, 11:30 AM

Oh man, she cheated on you? It's not even a question of needy. How can you trust her again? How do you know she won't go back to her ex again? How can you ever feel secure with her?

It's time to dump and move on...

Tag11 · Apr 16, 2009, 12:33 PM

That was a year ago, and we were just starting to date. We were not in a committed relationship at the time, but she did lie to me about it. When I asked she told me she didn't think her and I had anything in commen even though we do. Then a week later she wrote me 2 very long emails asking me to come back to her. I met up with her for dinner and we have been together for almost a year now. But as I said in my first post, something has changed. I'm now worried again.

makapuu · Apr 16, 2009, 07:58 PM

I think you are on the right track by questioning your relationship. You definitely want to be loved and to feel love. It took you a while to figure out that you didn't have it in your marriage, so maybe it won't take you that long to figure out if this current relationship has what you really want.

I think you'll figure it out.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2009, 08:05 PM

Just a shot in the dark, she lied to protect herself, and it was very early in this thing, so she was probably not sure where you both were going.

I suspect you are her rebound to get away from her ex, and you two are both a bit needy, and afraid to be alone.

You need to talk, and get it through your heads, what you both need from each other, as a way to define what your doing, and clear the air of feelings, you don't express from fear.

Unless you do, there can be no ground work, for the kind of honest communications, to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both.

From what I see, a lack of honest communications, and compromise.

You both expect each other to read your minds, and know your needs, but that ain't going to happen, so talk about it, and get the facts, and feelings in front of you, so you can see about dealing with them.

Yeah, its good old fashion work, and either your willing or your not.