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    She says she loves me but needs space and can't be with me

    Asked Apr 15, 2008, 04:03 AM ó 20 Answers
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    I am 2 weeks into trying to deal with my girlfriend having broken up with me, and do not know what to do. I have never gone through this before, and cannot yet bring myself to accept that we were maybe not meant to be together. I have never been this sad or unhappy.

    Here is my story, and I would appreciate any advice that anyone may have. I know it is long, but I am so confused and would love some advice!

    We are both 23 and had been together for over 3 years until 2 weeks ago. During that time, which was 2 years at University, a year spent travelling afterwards, and then 6 months in London where we have both moved to start jobs, we were so in love. We always talked about living together, but then always came back to agreeing that we should wait. We were the couple who had so many mutual friends and everyone was jealous of our relationship because we never argued and worked so well together... it was effortless love. And in my opinion it was just as great 3 years in as it was at the start.

    In January this year she suggested to me that we have a break for a couple of months. She said she needed to prove to herself that she can be independent, and can survive without me, and needed a bit of time apart. The first few months living apart and working in a new city were a strain on our relationship, but we still saw each other often, had as good sex as ever, and were madly in love. I agreed to a split because she is my first love and I thought it may make me know for sure what I want. Also, she had not been enjoying her new job / living arrangements and I thought it would do her good to see lots of friends and branch out a bit. So I said I would give her space and not speak for a few weeks. It took me about 3 weeks to realise for sure that I love her more than anything in the world. I had not experienced this before, but when I spoke to her after about 3 weeks, she said that she had been going through hell, so upset over me, feeling unwanted because I hadn't fought for her back. I told her I love her and was trying to give her space, and she said she was confused and had been trying to get over me, and didn't know what she wanted.

    I had never thought to myself during that 3/4 weeks apart that we wouldn't get back together, and was distraught. A few weeks later she agreed to meet up, as we hadn't seen each other for about 7 weeks. The first thing I said was that that I love her, and she is everything I want. We had a great evening, dinner, drank with friends. I was about to embark on 3 weeks of job related exams, with no spare hours in the week, so we kissed and agreed to wait 3 weeks then give it another go. We spoke every day for the next 3 weeks, and she told me that as soon as she saw me that night, she new she loved me and wanted to be with me for sure.

    So 3 weeks later (2 weeks ago), we meet up and basically got back together. And everything slipped back to the way it was perfectly. We had the most amazing long weekend - for me it was the best everything has been in 3 and a half years. The first thing she did however was tell me something that had happened when we first split. She said that 3 or 4 weeks after that, when she was so upset and feeling so you unwanted, she slept with a guy from work. She said that she woke up and wished it was me, that she doesn't even like him that much, but new he fancied her and did it after a drunk work night out. She said she had to tell me in case it changed how I feel. She said that it really confused her but then when she saw me again she knew she loved me and hadn't seen him since. I believe her because she is the most honest person I have ever met. She said it's wasn't really about him specifically that made it happen, mor her state at the time. I told her it's fine, I still love her just as much.

    And so we had an amazing weekend together, and all weekend she kept saying the words 'I love you so much, and don't think we'll ever break up now'. And I was so happy... I was sure I was with the girl I am meant to be with and thought she knew the same. She is University sweetheart and best friend, and right there and then I was sure I was in love with the 'one'. I thought we'd had 3 great years, a sticky patch in a new city with new jobs, but we'd come through. And she said the same.

    And so during the next week, we are messaging each other at work planning a holiday, a lot of sexy chat etc etc and telling each other how much we love each other. And on the Thursday morning of that week, she phones me and says 'I love you so much, can't wait for another weekend together... only 2 days'. I was working late so we couldn/t see each other in the week.

    And then on Friday... BANG! She calls me at lunchtime and says 'I don't know why I've done this... but I went out for some after work drinks last night, and ended up kissing the guy again!'.

    And so she said to me when we met up that evening to talk through everything:

    'I love you. I was so happy and so sure last weekend when I said I love you and never think we'll beak up now. But if I can do this to the person I love, then I can't be sure, and so I can't be with you. I need a lot of time and space to work out who I am and what I want. If it's meant to be it will be, but I can't make you wait so that's it!'

    I told her we can work it out. It's not about this guy... I know that for sure. She said he just gets under her skin and it's a stupid crush that will disappear. But she sad that in 3 years together, she would never have even looked at another guy, let alone acted like that. And so how can she be sure that if it wasn't him, it wouldn't happen with someone else in the future. I told her I love her and we need time to make things great again, but she said 'I need time and will speak to you soon, but you can't wait'. It is more unlike her than any girl I know to of kissed this guy 5 days after we got back together, and she said she doesn't even fabcy him that much... so obviously something wasn't right.

    And so I have been waiting for her to call for over 2 weeks, to explain what she is feeling. But I have come to realise that I think the real reason is that there were problems in our relationship before, and even though we had that amazing weekend together, it was like slipping back so comfortably and easily to the height of what we had together, but for her maybe the relationship we had is not what she wants. I think that she wants something different in a relationship, and loves me so much she can't bring herself to call and tell me what she feels. So this whole 'I need to prove to myself I can be independent, I need time, I can't be with you if I did that to you (kissed the guy)' is in my opinion her way of avoiding telling me what she is really feeling, because she still loves me and finds it to hard right now to tell me the real reasons.

    The hard thing is I understand where the problems were, and was committed to talking them through and changing our relationship for the better and to make it work. I feel like I can change little things and we are worth a go at making it work in a new city with jobs and everything. But everyone says I have to leave her to decide on her own, cut off from me, what she wants. And if she misses me that much and can't get over me, then it is meant to be and she will come back, but if she moves on, then that is it.

    But every day I want to call her and tell her that I understand and surely it's worth another go. Am I stupid to hold onto the belief that we're meant to be together, and wait hoping. And should I call her, or is everyone right when they say I have to leave it, give her the space she wants, and wait for her to get in contact? I still think there's a chance. And if there isn't, I need to talk through everything with her fully so I understand before I can even start to move on. Right now I feel like I will never be able to be with another girl because I love her so much and nothing will be as good as her. And how can I give up when 2 weeks ago she said to me 'i love you, and don't think we'll ever break up now'.

    Last edited by I wish; Apr 6, 2010 at 12:24 PM.
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    20 Answers
    eastcoast1's Avatar
    eastcoast1 Posts: 34, Reputation: 2
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    #2

    Apr 15, 2008, 06:11 AM
    I am sorry to hear about what you are going through mate, believe me when I tell you that you are not alone.

    The best thing I can tell you, is essentially what everyone else is telling you, let time take it's course, from reading your note, it seems as you have told her how you felt, and now it's up to her to decide what she wants. I would not contact her anymore, start living your life as an independent, and work on the issues you mention. If things are meant to be, she will come back, if not, you will meet someone else down the road that is willing to put in what you have been.

    I think she is going through that "special" age, I have had younger girlfriends, and it seems that the early/mid 20s for some reason, they start to evaulate life as a whole, and begin to question if what they have is what they want forever. Keep your head up mate, you seem like a great guy.

    Cheers
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    WorclliW10's Avatar
    WorclliW10 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 15, 2008, 06:25 AM
    Thanks mate.

    I guess the hardest thing is not knowing what she is thinking / feeling.

    The last thing she said to me 2 weeks ago was that of all the boyfriends she's had (2 other long relationships before me), she has never loved anyone as much as me. She said I made no mistakes and she never fell out of love with me, and that I have had the biggest effect on her life out of anyone ever.

    So as the time passes, and she doesn't get in contact, I have to somehow accept that for some reason she thinks it isn't what she wants, despite all that, and wait until she is ready/able to give me those reasons. The most difficult thing is that with what has happened, I can't not have hope, and at the moment I can't see myself ever giving up some hope, which makes it even harder to try and move on.
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    plonak's Avatar
    plonak Posts: 742, Reputation: 117
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    #4

    Apr 15, 2008, 10:51 AM
    I am feeling for you so much. I am so sorry for you. Dealing with heartbreak is a pain that I would not even wish on my worst enemy. To me, I would rather deal with physical pain than a heartbreak any day.
    But try to find solace in the fact that it will get better. Not today not tomorrow but eventually it will. Honestly there is no way to tell when, especially when you've been with her for so long because I'm sure so many things remind you or her. I'm sorry and I don't know if you're religious... but I will pray for you..
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,500, Reputation: 10839
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    #5

    Apr 15, 2008, 11:16 AM
    Click on the 4 links in my signature, and I hope you can use the suggestions, to help you cope with your loss, and move on with your life. Life sucks sometimes, but it will get better.
    Helpful
    WorclliW10's Avatar
    WorclliW10 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 17, 2008, 08:37 AM
    Why is no contact and acting like you're 'over it' best
    I am in the early stages of trying to move on from my girlfriend having broken up with me (you may have read my other note), and I am finding all the stuff on this site really useful.

    But I am still struggling to convince myself that maintaining no contact, and being seen to be over it and having lots of fun if I do bump into my ex or if she does contact me, is the best thing to do.

    I know this is probably because I haven't yet got to the stage where I can admit that it is most likely over forever with the girl I love. But I also want to remain good friends with her, and I know for sure she will want that to.

    Do you think that the best way of ending up friends, and there maybe being chance in the future if it is 'meant to be', is by keeping no contact until she eventually contacts me, and by not letting her know how heart broken I am and not trying to convince her that I can be different and we can have the relationship she wants?
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    lmnotok's Avatar
    lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 37
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    #7

    Apr 17, 2008, 08:55 AM
    Well, if you guys want to maintain friendship. Then, yes the 1st step is to keep NC, and let yourself healing from broken hearted. And take your time, do your things, relax, enjoy your own life without the guts of knowing what she does or whatever. After a while, I believe that you'll feel good about yourself without her. Then, you contact her or she contacts you, doesn't really matter. Because it doesn't bother you anymore. But remember, ONLY contact her or reply her contact when this whole breakup thing doesn't hurt you anymore.

    Now just relax and focus on yourself
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    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #8

    Apr 17, 2008, 08:59 AM
    First off, you obviously haven't learned what No Contact really is about. No Contact is not to make your ex come back to you. It is for YOU to heal, live your life without that person. There is nothing about No Contact that says "do this and she will come back to you" but you're going to do it for that reason first anyway, 99% of the people do.


    Second, you really think you could be friends with this girl? So that means you're okay with her coming to you, since you're that friend, and her talking about that hot guy she hooked up with over the weekend? If you are, congrats man, because I don't think any of the long term "victims"(me, westy, ISneeze) would like to be friends with our ex's and hear them talk about hooking up with another guy(and we are so much farther in the recovery process)

    So NC is for YOU! Not for her, not for her to miss you or come back to you. For you to get your set back, have some type of pride/dignity and start acting like an actual guy(sorry if this sounds harsh) but someone needs to hit you with reality and I just happen to be in a mood to do it.

    And I'm sure Tal with chime in and fill in any blanks left by me ha ha
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    WorclliW10's Avatar
    WorclliW10 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 17, 2008, 09:11 AM
    Fair play! Time to start realising it's over and think only about myself!
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    Stunning07's Avatar
    Stunning07 Posts: 193, Reputation: 25
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    #10

    Apr 17, 2008, 01:45 PM
    Friends Don't Work!
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    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE's Avatar
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE Posts: 1,051, Reputation: 112
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    #11

    Apr 17, 2008, 01:56 PM
    NC and acting like 'it's over' is best because you'd be a mess otherwise.
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    losingit77's Avatar
    losingit77 Posts: 105, Reputation: 31
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    #12

    Apr 17, 2008, 02:11 PM
    NC works cause (1) it will keep you sane. It may not feel that way, but it will definitely keep you more sane and let you get your head back on straight quicker and easier than if you continue to have confusing depressing contact with your ex, (2) you can't "get" an ex back. If they're going to come back, they have to do it on their own. You don't want them coming back out of pity or out of manipulation. Ironically "letting them go" is the best thing for the situation. One of 2 things will happen from you really letting go, (1) you'll get over it and move or (2) Ex will come back and beg for forgiveness and you won't be a crying mess anymore. But your focus should be on yourself which is #1.

    You can't be friends with an ex... atleast not now. You still have too many emotions involved and you'll only drag out your heartache. Give it some time. I told my ex to give me at least 6 months and maybe then I'll be ready to start talking to him again. Its no longer about what they need, its about what you need!
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,500, Reputation: 10839
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    #13

    Apr 17, 2008, 05:47 PM
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-205997.html

    I think you guys have said it all.:D And very well I might add, it's the OP's choice now.
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    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #14

    Apr 17, 2008, 06:17 PM
    When someone breaks up with you, you want to be their friend. In reality all you want is them, your kidding yourself.

    Fact is NC = your not having the confusion and hurt of them in your life. If you don't NC every day is a losing battle which is a spiral of destruction. Not good! Also after a lot of time has passed you probably won't ever want to speak to your ex again.
    Helpful (1)
    Stunning07's Avatar
    Stunning07 Posts: 193, Reputation: 25
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    #15

    Apr 18, 2008, 11:02 AM
    You its like gold has a tarnesh to it
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    WorclliW10's Avatar
    WorclliW10 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 28, 2008, 09:22 AM
    So it's been about 2 and a half months, and I'd just like to say thanks to all you guys for the advice. No Contact is definitely the way to go! They say it takes about half as long as the length of the relationship to be near full recovery, so I have at least a year to go, but a lot of what I've read on here has really helped my approach.

    I made the mistake evryone makes for the first month... writing a couple of letters and contacting her asking for her real reasons. I wanted closure. And all she could say was that she was happy in our relationship, she loves me but the fact that she could kiss the other guy meant she needed time to work out who she is and what she wants etc etc, and if it's meant to be then it will be. So I said to myself that's it... no more initiating contact looking for answers, you have to try to move on because otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more hurt.

    Then about a week after that chat (a month ago) she phones me up and says 'I don't like the way we left things and want to talk' She said that she had slept with this guy since but it was just to soften the blow of our break-up, that she's going through the same thing as me and that the other guy was no-one she could ever love or have a relationship with. She started talking about us maybe getting back together, but came back to the same old line... 'I won't get back with you until I'm 110% sure it wouldn't happen again. Maybe I need to see if I like this guy and let it run its course'.

    And now it's been another month of no contact either way without me calling or chasing and trying to move on, and then yesterday I was drinking with 2 friends, one who is a mutual friend of me and my ex's. And she says to me 'You know, she still really loves you. He's not replacing you.'

    Too much ing with my head! These events give me such a temptation to keep fighting back by trying to be 'friends' and staying in contact. But, as all you guys said, the only thing to do is tell yourself it's over for good. As hard as it is when I wake up every morning and miss my best friend and the girl I am in love with, she says all this but hasn't called for a month and is most likely seeing this guy.

    You have to tell yourself that it's over and there's nothing more you can do that will bring her back, or otherwise you will never be able to move on. As I read somewhere on here, 'don't make someone a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs.'

    My advice to anyone who finds themselves newly in my situation... read the advice given on here to people like me and follow it. It is the hardest thing to not keep fighting back, but you will never underastand her real reasons because she either won't be able or won't want to fully give them to you.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,500, Reputation: 10839
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    #17

    Jun 28, 2008, 10:33 AM
    Thanks for making my day and good Luck, and much happiness.
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    hjpan's Avatar
    hjpan Posts: 902, Reputation: 29
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    #18

    Jun 28, 2008, 12:11 PM
    There's always the "friends going to drink" part =]
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    WorclliW10's Avatar
    WorclliW10 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jun 28, 2008, 03:14 PM
    What do you mean 'the friends going to drink part'?
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    hjpan's Avatar
    hjpan Posts: 902, Reputation: 29
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    #20

    Jun 28, 2008, 04:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by WorclliW10
    What do you mean 'the firends going to drink part'??

    go party :D
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