Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #1

    Jan 5, 2007, 07:10 AM
    Relationship Stickies.
    Relationship stickies in one place.
    friend4u178's Avatar
    friend4u178 Posts: 3,349, Reputation: 1584
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Aug 28, 2007, 10:57 PM
    What to expect when you get dumped!
    I've been on this site for almost a month now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

    So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

    You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

    You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

    You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

    They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

    You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

    For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

    You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

    You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

    Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had too much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

    Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

    Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidentally. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

    Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

    Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

    And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

    And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

    But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

    I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

    Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

    And the universe will take care of the rest."

    PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!
    jolienoire's Avatar
    jolienoire Posts: 917, Reputation: 166
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    Feb 24, 2008, 01:34 PM
    How to get him/her back
    How to get him/her back..


    Ha, if you are reading this it means you are hoping you can win a loved one back. You are desperately seeking solutions in which you already know the answers to. You want to show them how big of a mistake they made. How foolish they were. How you were the best thing that ever happened to them.

    You want them back, you can't eat, sleep, think… concentrate your lonely frustrated desperate.. Checking your phone every 5 minutes, logging on to myspace/face book reading old text messages over and over again. Saying how could he/she?

    Looking at pictures, and remembering the great sex and emotional connections that you shared. The arguments, the I love you the constant assurance of “you are the one”.

    There were signs but you ignored them, perhaps they stopped saying I love you, they stopped calling, stop doing all the things they used to do in the beginning. You brushed it off making excuses blaming yourself for loving them too much. You basically become blind to the reality that this relationship is nearing an end. How can you expect a relationship to stay exactly the same as it was in the beginning when you grow day by day? Some people grow apart as they grow older some grow together in any situation growing means changing. As long as we grow we will always be out of our comfort zone. Nothing will ever be just right there will always be challenges, obstacles, and not so perfect conditions. Life is change, growth is optional make a choice and choose wisely. Change is inevitable and growth is intentional. All movement is not forward but sometimes you have to take a step back to see a clearer picture, this step is coming to acceptance that this relationship was not meant to be.

    You have to be true to yourself and realize that if you can't put your heart in it take yourself out of it. Sometimes letting go allows you to see if it was worth holding on to. Confidence doesn't come from having all the answers it comes from being open to all the questions..


    The truth is everyone should compel themselves to loneliness occasionally, because most of your greatest achievements and thoughts come from loneliness. When you have a clear mind, and can evaluate your true self without the disruption of life minor fallbacks. Stop regretting the past and fearing the future..

    Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him/her back focus on getting yourself back. Be thankful for finding love, embrace who you are. If we can put as much as we do into our relationships as much as we put into ourselves than we will realize that no one can ever love us as much as we love ourselves.. Therefore we are responsible for our own happiness.

    So to answer the question how do I get them back? Look in the mirror the change and the beginning and end starts with yourself. It starts with acceptance, confidence, change, growth…It starts with realizing there is no such thing as perfect circumstances only accepting to see imperfections as a perfect part of living. Living is learning, learning is growing, growing means change, change is the beginning and the beginning reflects the ending…

    Say to yourself, I love me, I am the mason of my dreams, I am going to love myself enough to know that ignoring someone else issues is me settling. I will not settle. I will improve myself first. I will understand how difficult it is to change myself, I will realize how difficult it is to change others. I realize that there is no such thing as perfect conditions. I will take each day at a time, and not fear my future. I will not regret my past, for it has made me who I am today . I will love myself first! And most importantly I will continue to be the best me I can be. Remember that we all human it takes a step back to see the clearer picture. I will not continue to make the same mistakes. I will learn from my mistake. I will accept loneliness as a blueprint to my success ahead and build my future based on my past. I will not look back but look ahead to brighter days. Now that I am on my path I will thank all those who have made me who I am today.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Mar 23, 2009, 08:02 AM
    NC Rules and FAQ's
    No Contact Rules

    Below are lists of things that need to be established before starting your epic journey

    - Delete their phone number from your phone, no excuses!
    - Delete their e-mail address and make sure to file their e-mail address under “Spam”
    - Remove them from your friends list on any type of social networking site.
    - It is NOT okay to continue a friendship with their relatives, this will delay your recovery
    - You have your friends, they have theirs. Keep it this way to avoid the he said/she said

    Now for the rules (more to be added)

    1. No contact means NO CONTACT, don't call write, email, text or message them
    a. It's a hard thing to do, it's an emotional detox and takes a lot of work

    2. If you have a mutual friend, tell them to keep your two lives separate
    a. This will be hard; you have to tell your mutual friend to keep stuff about them away from you. It will either fill you with hope or crush you; either way it destroys any type of progress you have made.

    3. Do not pick up their calls!
    a. They will, I repeat THEY WILL try to contact you eventually. Avoid this call, it is a guilt call. Many of whom who break up with the other experience guilt for hurting you. This call is an attempt to rectify this guilt, avoid!

    4. Friendships just won't work
    a. Don't fall for the “let's be friends” line, it won't work. You are too emotionally involved to have a functioning friendship with them. When hearing about them with another person doesn't sting, then maybe a conversation is possible, but that's a long road ahead.

    F.A.Q ( Work in progress)

    Q: I know their number by heart what do I do?
    A: Don't answer it when they call; put the number under another name; KC suggested “Rosie O' Donnell” great idea!

    Q: I'm so close with their family, how can I cut ties with them?
    A: They are closer with their son or daughter. They will understand that a break up is hard and if need be, explain that speaking with them will only delay your recovery process but thank them for their support. Just because it's over doesn't mean we have to be rude to the family.

    Q: We live near each other or go to school together; we are going to run into each other. What do I do then?
    A: Be short and polite. Tell them “hi” and that you are running late. Take care. Very simple and doesn't lead to a epic conversation about your relationship.

    Q: I always think about them, how can I stop this?
    A: There is no magic pill, we wish there was but there isn't. Get a new hobby, something that you've been wanting to do for awhile but hadn't had the time. I joined a gym and took up writing to fill my time, it worked wonders.

    Q: I have no friends, what can I do?
    A: Make it a goal to talk to at least two people a week, broaden your social network. With Myspace and Facebook it seems people have lost the old art of actual talking in person to new people. If they are at school with you, ask them what they think of the class and what was their toughest assignment. People are just as shy as you are when it comes to a new school or surrounding. Take the initiative and start the conversation, you'll feel better and more confident in no time.

    Q: My friends said “they best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new.” Is this true?
    A: NO! This is not a desirable trait to the opposite sex, nor does it make you feel better about yourself. Self respect is one thing that only you can take away from yourself. This won't solve your problems, neither will a rebound relationship.

    Q: OMG! They called me late at night and I didn't recognize the number! What do I do?
    A: Congratulations on not remembering the number. Be polite, short and cordial. A simple, hello, how are you? Then say you have something to do in the morning and that you must go. Goodnight and hang up. Crisis adverted.

    Q: What do I do with my ex's things?
    A: Pack them all away, the stuff you can return do so. Pictures on the computer, put them on a jump drive. They are what a photo album used to be, after you put them on the jump drive toss it in the box with their stuff. Then, remember to delete them from your computer/phone.

    Q: How long should NC last?
    A: As long as it takes until you can stop looking into everything they say for a sign. Also, when you can hear them talk about someone else without it stinging, you may be able to have a conversation but don't jump into a friendship yet.

    Q: They started dating someone who looks exactly like me! What does this mean?
    A: Nothing, it means they have a certain type of look, but personality could be different. Don't go over analyzing anything!

    This is a work in process but most of the questions are the same just different reasons they can't follow them.

    Feel free to message me or post about what I should add or take out.

    Proof of No Contacting working?

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-161688.html ISneezefunny's story

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-280107.html KCTiger's story

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...pe-169854.html Romefalls19's story(the beginning) Such a sissy

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-188046.html Rome again, showing why you don't keep in touch with mutual friends
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #5

    May 8, 2009, 09:18 AM
    Fighting urges to break NC rules
    So I thought I'd make a thread to discuss the problem and possible solutions when trying to fight urges to break the rules.

    The "LIST":

    1) Keep busy with schoolwork or work
    2) Catch up with old friends
    3) Join the gym
    4) Make new friends
    5) See family
    6) Do new/old activicties
    7) Go back to your old hobbies
    8) Find new hobbies
    9) Re-read the advice that we receive from this site to refresh our memory of why we are in NC in the first place
    10) Block and delete him/her from ALL social networks, IM and email
    11) Change your phone number

    Let's say we already follow everything on the list. But even if we are busy 24/7, there will still be moments, such as when we are cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, travelling to work/school, brushing your teeth, etc. when we are alone and can't help but think about the other person. Then what?

    The solution I can think of is to refer back to the "LIST," stay strong and give yourself more time. Simple enough right? Very easy to give this advice to anyone. I'm sure this works for many people. (Just so that I don't sound like a hypocrite, I got to admit I don't have time to find a new hobby and I haven't changed my phone number).

    BUT it's not working for me. I keep telling myself that the missing ingredient is "time." I've been on an off NC for the past few months, but as you know, every time you contact them again, the healing resets. The latest NC has been 3 or 4 weeks. The pain either stayed the same or gotten worse for the past few months. The only difference I can feel is that I am better at hiding it in public. The saddest part of all this is that I've never even dated this girl. I've had a relationship lasting 3 years and another for 2 years, but never felt so much pain before.

    This thread doesn't have to be about my problem only. I was hoping we could share NC stories so that we don't allow each other to give in...
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #6

    Dec 15, 2009, 11:30 AM
    The Meaning of No Contact (NC)
    Breaking up

    Break ups are extremely difficult. There's no going around it. While we're in a relationship, we develop a connection and dependancy on our significant other. By breaking up, the link is broken and we have an empty feeling. We're desperatly looking to fill that void, for example, with rebounds or trying to get back with an ex. But the best suggestion is the spend time working on ourselves and recovering from the break up: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-187766.html

    Exceptions

    Some people are capable of getting over an ex without going into NC. In most cases, it's the dumpor that can handle the break up and the dumpee needing to go into NC. The reason is because the dumpor has already been contemplating a break up over a certain period of time so when it's time to break up, the dumpor is already emotionally prepared to break the commitment. While the dumpee is in a state of shock and can't fathom how feelings can change out of nowhere. The dumpee is wondering what went wrong by over-analyzing all the details and hoping to find a way to get back together with their ex. But in reality, the ex has already decided that he or she doesn't want to continue working on the relationship.

    ** Remember, if one person gives up, then the relationship fails. Healthy relationships operate on a two-way street.

    After a break up

    Some people aren't capable of letting go right away. So the advice that we give is NC. But NC is not a magic potion for instant results. It's only a tool to "help" heal from the break up. NC is not the only useful tool out there. Without repeating what's already been said, here's the list: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

    Now, onto the actual explanation of "no contact". The no contact rules are as follows: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html. But why do we go into NC?

    No contact consists of
    • Healing from the pains that you have suffered. Whether you are suffering from a break up, no contact allows you to distance yourself from the other person to gain some perspective. Distance allows you to reflect on your situation from a more objective point of view because you are not influenced by actions and words by the other person.
    • By staying in constant contact, you will over-analyze all the little details concerning the other person. By over-analyzing, you will make: "assumptions, guessing, dreaming, fantasing, etc." Basically, you are filling the void of unanswered questions. This is unhealthy behavior and prolongs the misery.
    No contact does not consist of
    • Trying to win your ex back. If you want to get your ex back, then try to work things out together. Often we see people hoping that by ignoring the other person, it will make them realize what they are missing. This is called: "false hope". You're hoping that the other person will start missing you because they aren't in constant contact with you anymore.
    • But in reality, when you stop contacting each other, it means that at least one of you has given up on working on the relationship.
    Symptoms of NC
    • In the early stages of NC, you will easily be tempted to break the rules, because we're still in a state of denial. We still have "false hope," so there are going to be times that can't fight the urges anymore and attempt to reconcile. We're humans; we're not robots, so this is understandable.
    • After breaking the rules a number of times, we finally realize that there's no more hope because the other person appears to have moved on. Then we go back into NC, promising ourselves that we will respect the rules this time.
    • Also in the early stages of NC, the pain could get worse. The reason the pain gets worse is because you're still constantly thinking about the other person. Furthermore, because you're in NC, you won't be getting any new information about the other person, so you're constantly over-analyzing the past.
    • Once the pain reaches a maximum point, and then it only gets easier from there. The reason is gets easier is because you've already exhausted all the past information and there's no need to visit the past anymore. Moreover, there's no new information for you to analyze, so you can shift your attention elsewhere.
    Timeline
    • Everyone is different, so everyone takes a different amount of time to recover. It highly depends on what proactive measures you take to help you recover from a break up.
    • Avoid putting a timeline/deadline on when to break NC. Remember, NC is about healing from your pains. So once you stop suffering, you will know that you've recovered.
    • Also avoid putting a timeline/deadline on how long it would take to recover. There are too many factors to consider to give an estimate on how long it will take a person to recover. Possible factors include: how deeps your feelings are/were for that person, how long you were together, your age, your personality, your level of independance, past experiences, your support system around you, the number of proactive methods you employ, the level of commitment towards healing, etc.
    • After you've recovered, you can decide whether to break NC or not. In some cases, we don't even think about breaking NC (even after we've healed) because we're in a better place in our life and we don't want to open up old wounds.
    Alienating your ex and others around you
    • NC might seem anti-social, extreme, might make someone appear like they run and hide when the going gets tough, etc. There are at least two points to keep in mind.
    • First of all, the reason you are suffering is because the other person is not reciprocating their affection towards you. As a result, the other person already gave up anyway, so by continuing contact, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. The other person already made up their mind, so you're just hanging around with false hope.
    • Secondly, our priority is to ourselves. We are the ones suffering, so we need to find a way to heal. NC is effective because by blocking the other person out of your life, you won't be influenced by their actions and words while recovering.
    • Can NC be abused? As stated earlier, the dumpor won't feel the need to go into NC, because he or she is not suffering as much because it's already clear in his or her mind that the relationship is over. However, the dumpee is suffering. NC is not abused by an over use because our priority is to ourselves and NC is used to heal from the agony.
    • The ones who care about us will understand that we need to do whatever it takes to heal from our pains, so there will not be an alienation factor. One thing I learned from going into NC with someone is that I learned who my true friends were.
    What to look out for
    • The trick is to get over that hump. As the pain gets worse, we suspect that NC isn't working, so that's when we give up and break the rules. It's important to continue to fight the urges to break the rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html
    • Remember, when you break the rules, you will reset all the progress you've made. In other words, you might have broken up with your ex for months, but if you remain in constant contact, then you haven't really made much progress.
    • Progress only really starts when you've let go of the false hope and begin taking a proactive approach in the healing progress.
    • During the healing process, you want to take steps to better yourself. Learn from the past. Learn to take better care of yourself.

    Nuggests

    No contact = No updates

    No updates = Nothing to analyze

    Nothing to analyze = More time doing something better with your life


    And so, the journey begins...
    Morrison88's Avatar
    Morrison88 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #7

    Apr 5, 2011, 12:47 AM
    What does it mean when your girlfriend says she needs to figure out who she is ?
    I am sorry to say when your G/F does this, it is to keep you close while she is allowed the freedom to do what she wants without confrontation! She is keeping u as a couple on FB to make sure others know #1 your taken and #2 To assure you that your still a couple no matter how much she stays away.

    If she was committed she would spend a lot more time with you and wouldn't need so much time to figure things out. Girls will also pull the "I am breaking up with you because we jumped too fast, lets take it slow but I still love you bit too!" Those are the worst because what she really meant to say is, I will make sure you stay committed to me while I get my freedom back. I know this has happened to me twice 2 different girls! It nearly happened a third time too! I will get to that later.

    But what happens is while you are doing everything for her, and jumping when she wants you she is off with her friends, avoiding your texts and keeping you at bay while she gets on with her life.

    My ex (the first) said she didn't want to lose me because it would hurt too much but she also didn't want to be tied down because I was going off to school with out her and the crazy thing is she found reasons to break up more then once! She finally admitted to me (years later) that she never thought I would be able to provide her with the kind of life she wanted and she broke up with me so if she met some other guy that could give her what she felt she deserved (more money and gifts?) then she would not have to feel guilty for allowing herself to fall in love with him and out of love with me. She did meet a guy less then 2 months after I left!

    The second girl I met while I was at College, she had been in a bad relationship and had some family issues. She also had been a little wild in her younger days and was now involved with church and committed to helping unfortunate families. I thought I found the perfect woman! She was so sweet and she made me chase her it took me almost a year to get her to go out with me as a couple and nearly a year and a half for her to say she was my girlfriend and become more intimate with her. I would have married this girl I actually planned how I would ask! The only problems we had were her trust issues and I understood they were there and did EVERYTHING I could to show her she could trust me. Not once was I ever unfaithful to her and always I was right there for her. But she would find these crazy reasons to break up with me make me suffer for sometimes a day or two and once she made me wait 4 days before getting back together.

    Just before I graduated College she broke up with me over nothing! My sister had come to see me and brought an EX girlfriend of mine who is also my sisters best friend and she knew we have been nothing but friends for 5 years. A very OLD EX. We had all went out the night was great we parted and my G/F and I left to go back to my apartment. I hugged my sister and friend goodbye and thanked them for coming to see us. As we begin to get intimate she asks me "Why did you hug your ex tighter then you hugged your sister? I said what? She said do you still love her? I said of course I love her but that like that.

    She jumps up accuses me of wanting my ex back and storms off as she once again breaks up with me. I didn't know what to do. I apologized over and over. I thought this is all my fault I should have said NO I feel nothing for her. I just assumed she would understand she was now like a sister to me and a friend, I love her like family this was a girl I dated briefly very briefly in High School she was more of a friend with benefits and we both knew it would never be more then that. She finally calmed down and said we had gotten too serious too fast and she needed time to get over her past hurts but she didn't want to lose what we had she wanted to make our relationship stronger. Because she was so different from the first girl who had done this to me I believed she was true to me. I couldn't really understand why we couldn't still be together as a couple while we worked things out and took things slower but she was a complicated lady and I felt worth the struggle. She took things with me slow, slower and slower and slower until I left college and headed home.

    My plan was to go move to her home town. I would go home long enough to see my family, get a job and save money while she finished her last year of school. She insisted I go back home and not stay where I was while she finished school and said I would be too much of a distraction for her there and that taking it slow meant she needed more time for herself. I had NO reason I thought not to trust her. She was the LAST person in the world I could ever see being unfaithful to me. Well apparently when your not Technically going together then its not really cheating is it?! Once again I found my life upside down when I realized I had been played a fool for the second time! When I first heard she was hanging out with her new B/F and questioned her she said he was her "Study Partner" then attacked me for distrusting her after all we had been through. Saying that everyone wanted to see us fail and made me feel guilty for doubting her. Since I had been on the other side of that with her a couple times before I felt pretty bad for saying anything to her and I let it go.

    Over the next month our conversations were less and less, she was busy with school and had no time. I was working and saving money and couldn't wait to see her. 3 months after I left I went to see her while she was on break. It was then that she told me she needed more time. I told her I was ready to come back now if the separation was too much I had already saved enough money to move and get by while I looked for work. After 2 days of talking about "OUR" future together through tears she finally cracked and admitted she had fallen for this other guy and didn't know how to tell me because she "didn't want to hurt me?" I was furious! I said things I am sure in the heat of the moment I did not mean to say but I also knew I was done! I had given nearly 2 years to this lady and it wasn't until my drive home I was able to see how well she played me from the beginning to the end of our relationship.

    I should have known when she had such a hard time committing to me from the beginning saying she wasn't sure she could trust me because she knew too much about me. She set us up for fail before we ever got started. I did everything I SAID I was going to do. I am a very successful man today, and able to provide a good stable future to a lady.

    My ex (college love) came to me 3 weeks ago asking if I ever thought about her still. I said "Yes, I think of you every time I hear a woman say "I need a little time" and I am reminded to run! Now she wants to try again. Did I remember to say she "MARRIED" the guy!? Less then 8 months after they began dating!! She told me she made a HUGE mistake and had never been more unhappy, that she was leaving him and filing divorce and that never got over me. Really? Or did she mean Oh No! My husband finished college but forgot to get serious about working. Why should be she was making money and able to play the bills.

    My current lady told me that maybe we needed to take some time. We had been together 14 months. I sat her down and told her this.. I realize relationships do get stale after a while and we would have to really work hard at ours to keep it together. I said " If we need to take a break, then we have nothing worth fighting for, either you love me or you don't! But you better decide which it is because I will NOT wait for you to figure yourself out, if you want out then walk. If you need time then take all the time you need but I am going to get on with my life with, or without you." She wasn't happy with what I had to say because I let her know if she was taking time I was finished with her.

    She never did break up with me. That was 9 months ago. We have been married for 3 months now and I have never been more happy. My college Ex asked me shortly before my wedding if I was sure I didn't want to try again. I told her I am in love with my wife to be every bit as much as I was once in love with you, and more then that she is my best friend not because we ever had to take time, but because she hung in there even when things were not "THE BEST" she was willing to really try not run." She asked me why I didn't try harder to keep her. It puzzled me!! So i asked what she meant by that, she said you made it really easy for me. I never had to worry because you were always there, no matter what I did to you or put you through you did did whatever I told you too. I knew you loved me but I also felt you were not as manly as I wanted you to be, not once did you ever walk away from me. You made it easy for me to walk away too easy. I simply said "Thank you for running so I could find my wife" that is the last conversation we ever had.

    She told a few of her friends if I had just once told her I was finished, it would have scared her enough to stay. What does that even mean I thought so I asked my wife, what made you stay? She said "I knew when you told me if was either stay or walk that I had a man who knows what he wants, and I knew my heart could never be without my strong man!"

    One thing I will say is I have had friends go through the same thing with girls. Not once since High School have any one of those girls who say "OH we need more time, lets take it slow" after they had already been dating seriously stuck around. Every mind playing C**t has ended up finding some one else while some poor B*****d waited fir her to "figure things out" or "find herself".

    This is my TRUE story of "What does it mean when your girlfriend says she needs to figure out who she is?"

    It means either take the situation by the balls or run! If you tell her to leave and she goes, she was going anyway. If you tell her to go and she ends up staying you might end up happy like me! But this is just my opinion based on my own life. Maybe your girl is different!! "chokes on my coke!"

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Want to try online dating, but What to do if None of dating sites have enough locals? [ 4 Answers ]

I never had a GF. I want to try online dating but the sites I've seen only have like 5 women from my city and not my type. That's dumb. Why would I sign up to sites that have no one from my city.

Dating stuff help! Well young people dating [ 9 Answers ]

This guy has like me all year... he even liked me when I had a boyfriend but he asked me out a couple times and I finally said yes. But now I kind of like his friend. But I've only been going out with this guy for 2 days so is it no problem breaking up with him for his friend? Or has he been...

Teen Dating girl dating younger boy? [ 8 Answers ]

I'm a 15 year old girl turning 16 in September and I'm in year 10. This boy who I think is reallly cute asked me out the only problem is I found out that he is turning 14 and in year 7! Would it be wrong if I Went out with him considering there is a 2 yr age difference?? :confused:

We're dating, but he posted on a dating site! [ 11 Answers ]

We've only been dating for about a month or so. The first couple of weeks, he called me every day, sometimes twice a day. Then it was less frequent. I assumed he didn't have the guts to break it off, so I stopped calling him and he wouldn't call me for a few days, but he always called. Said...

Dating lots of people or dating only one? [ 17 Answers ]

Do you think you should multiple people at the same time or only one?


View more questions Search