She's in a relationship with her boyfriend for 5 years now. These 5 years wasn't smooth for her. She has frequent verbal conflicts with him, broke up but patched countless times. 2 years ago, she told me her boyfriend slapped her but still remained in this relationship. She tells me she has went through a lot of emotional hurt in this relationship and he is very possessive. She always thought he would change his character and possessiveness whenever she forgives him but ends up being emotionally hurt again and the cycle has been going on and on. She tells me its difficult to break up with him even though realizing the nature of her relationship. She just doesn't has the strength to move on after breaking up with. It has been 5 years and her relationship still remains the same.

If she doesn't answer his calls or don't reply to his text messages, he'll threaten her that he'll come under her apartment or to her school. Can she end this ordeal soon enough? Is it healthy staying any further?


Currently, she is in good terms with him. Will he ever change or will she have the strength and courage to end this for good?


* edited after merge

Can she end this soon enough you ask? That's not quick enough from how it sounds. Its not healthy for anyone involved staying in this type of relationship. If you don't mind me asking who is "she"

She definitely needs to end the relationship. He's a controlling jerk.

If she's actually afraid of him she may need to involve her family and friends to make her feel safe during the breakup.

If he actually shows up when she's told him not to, then it may be time to involve the police.

That would be up to her, when she has had enough, and is sick and tired enough to leave. That could be tomorrow, or never. Sad

Who are you in the relationship if you don't mind me asking. Are you a friend, are you hoping that she will leave him for you, have you or do you see her now, in a romantic way, during her breakups, or while she's still with him?

I hope that you encourage her to get help, and if you are a friend, that you are there for her when she needs to talk. If she decides to leave, having support in place will be a tremendous help for her.

But without knowing your relationship with her, I'm only guessing. More context to your question would be helpful.

She is my best friend. I have advised her so many times about her relationship. Even her friends told her he is possessive and she realises he is possessive too. I think her boyfriend does really sweet things to make her forget painful past to make her stay

When a guy is being possessive in a relationship, is it healthy? Especially when it lasted very long (4 - 5 years). Where there has been breaks ups but then patching back many times. Hurting the girl emotionally with harshful words and slapping a girl in the past. And then being happy with the guy for some weeks or a month or 2, and then a conflict arises and start quarrelling with each other and it becomes repitititive and the cycle goes on and on in that relationship. And that girl has went through so much of emotional hurt with that relationship. Currently that girl is in good terms with that guy. So in such situation where that girl is in good terms with him, does this mean the guy has totally changed? No more possessiveness? Permanent happiness? Or it'll get worst in the long run?

This is the circle of abuse. If you are the girl, get out now while you can.

Be there as a friend, when stuff hits the fan. Yes it will get worse, but the cycle of abuse brings good times as well as bad, and that's what the false hope is about. When its good its good, when its bad its absolutely horrible.

In a long term relationship that has lasted for almost 5 years, is forgiving the guy countless times for the same mistake a good thing? The girl in this relationship has went through many break ups but patched back with him thinking he might change for good. The girl has went through so much of emotional hurt being with him. She got slapped by her boyfriend 2 years ago and she complains he being very possessive. She frequently quarrels with him but after that be in good terms with him and then after some time, another conflict starts and this has become a pattern in this relationship. This relationship has progressed this far because she has forgiven him many times. Currently she is happy with him, So what could happen if she still wishes to stay with him?

She will go through this cycle of abuse until she leaves. Not understanding why you keep starting new threads asking the same thing, but please stop it.

If your looking for different answers, I doubt you get them, so keep your questions here, and don't confuse new readers. It also helps to scroll down to where you can post your answers than to just use the comment on this post. feature.

Amir, how do you know he is possessive and abusive? How do her friends know? Have you talked to them yourself or are you relying on her to give you accurate information about her relationships? How long have you known her and how do you feel about her?

I have a feeling much like Jake does that you may have feelings beyond friendship for this female. Are you wanting to 'save her' from this relationship so that she will turn to you?

IF she is your only source of information, I would be careful that she isn't making up a story for reasons of her own. Are her stories consistent? Do they seem to get worse when she isn't the center of attention? Do they get better when someone mentions going to the police or talks about confronting him?

IF she is telling the truth, then she is the one who has to end the cycle. All anyone else can do is be there for her.

Sounds like the two of them were very happy, until they met..

Just like the others have said this is a cycle. She forgives him each time but how many times can she forgive before its to late? What if she forgives and the next time or two the slap gets worse. Then the slap gets to be a push to the floor and a foot in the ribs. I think how ever you are involved in this you should make her aware this isn't healthy.

You can be a friend, advise her, help her, be there for her. But you can't make her leave. But if she does decide to free herself, it won't be an easy trek for her. But every journey starts with a step, and with you there, she won't be traveling alone.

Ok, I have a best friend whom I am very concern about. She is in a possessive relationship. She is 19 and her boyfriend is 22. She has been with him for about 5 years already. She told me she has gone through a lot in this relationship.

This is what has happened in her relationship so far:

2 years back, she got slapped by him before. Went through so much of emotional hurt, Broke up but patched back countless times. She told me he is very possessive and controlling. She has frequent quarrels with him and it's repetitive. She will be happy with him a few weeks or a month or so but after that conflict arises and this has been a cycle in her relationship. He is very manipulative; he buys her gifts, treats her meals and pays for the movies just to convince her and to
Make her stay with him and she falls for it

She tells me if she breaks up with him, it'll be hard for her to move on and her heart just can't forget him.
Even though knowing the nature of her relationship, she is still in this relationship thinking he might change one day but she still has conflicts with him, even recently she was not in terms with him.
How long can she tolerate this? He has already hit her before so he is a potential abuser right?
Will she come into her senses soon enough or she'll end up marrying him?

It is sad that she is not in a position to regain her independence.

What is happening here is that he is a controlling individual, and abuse takes the form of that control, in more ways than one.

That she cannot think for herself, and he decides who she is, how she will behave, what she will (likely) wear, who she can talk to, and can't talk to, He manipulates her thoughts and actions, in order to mould her into a possession. When she stands up for herself, he goes to extreme measures to regain control, and the cycle continues, until she is so beaten up emotionally, that she doesn't bother to fight back. She learns to not bother trying, because every time she has, he wins, and each time that happens, she is punished even more. He didn't start that way with her, but typically, he will up the ante in order to keep her, and that behaviour gets more and more controlling, until her spirit is broken, and he has total compliance.

Someone that controlling will not stop at a slap and an argument. Whatever it takes to control her, he will do. She need to nothing wrong, because again, typically, he is likely a very jealous man. He will, in his own mind, find reasons to be suspicious, and she will be punished for what she doesn't do, or hasn't done. Defending yourself over and over again over perceived 'wrongs', leaves you battling an impossible fight- she will never win.

There is nothing you can do, other than, let her know that you are there for her if she should decide to end the relationship. Be prepared if she comes to you, with phone numbers of shelters and emergency numbers. It takes counselling of some description, in order to understand his behaviour, in order that she can understand her own behaviour, as to why she ended up where she did. Regaining self esteem, a sense of self, confidence, etc. all take time when you come out of such a relationship. There is also an element of danger, because men who control women, do not want to give up that control, or they would have done it years ago. He will fight for it, and she needs help and support to keep herself safe, informed, and on the right track.

But until she is ready, and makes the decision to change her life, and then take the steps to do so, there is nothing you can do. You are however, a lifeline to her, and I would advise you to keep that connection going as best you can. You are a good friend to already see the signs of abuse, and don't doubt yourself that what is going on with her, is the truth. Don't allow doubt to cloud your vision. He is who he is.

Other than that, and being there for her when she knocks on your door, she is the only one who can change her situation.

Especially when a girl is in a long term relationship(5 years).

The girl has went through a lot of emotional hurt and once was physically abused, her boyfriend slapped her. There was countless break ups but then patched back with him. Her boyfriend is very possessive and manipulative. She is happy with him for a period and then a conflict starts and the cycle goes on and on. She is still with because she keeps thinking that one day he might change. How far can this relationship go in future? Will she be able to have the strength to leave him?

That depends on her. She is the only one who can make the decision to change and end this relationship.

I'm in love with a girl for 2.5 years, but she is attached with her boyfriend for about 5 years now. Initially, she didn't like me but after a year, she started having feelings for me because her boyfriend is emotionally abusive and very possessive too and she broke up but patched back many times with him. She tells me she is confused about me and her feelings are on and off which is hurting for me. She knows I care for her very much and I made her hand made gifts just to make her smile. She always shares her problems with me. Once, she text messaged that we shouldn't talk to each other forever from now on and she never replied to my texts. Her possessive boyfriend is more important to her now. It has been almost 4 months since I last talked to her. Will she still have thoughts about me?