Hi. My long distance relationship with my girlfriend ended out-of-the-blue with a phone call she gave me. We had been dating 5 months. And it was pretty crazy. The good kind. When we met we just 'clicked' and for a time there was nothing but euphoria. We met a month before I was about to leave to another town 6hrs drive away. My plan before I met her was to work for a year and come back to the city. I worked 8days on, 4 off shift work and would visit every 2nd break, at least.
Things went awry a month ago. We love each other, but we could see we have different expectations and wants from a relationship. We were both very open and communicative in our relationship. From past experiences I know that's its important not to hide feelings and play games. I didn't do those things. Well, I tried not to.
She said that she still loves me. That I should go see her one last time this weekend. That we should still try and be friends. I don't know. I have stuff there. But stuff can be replaced. Broken hearts don't mend easily. There's just too much and its too heavy. And there is no way I can be happy whether I go or not. But going does give closure.
Her reasoning was that she needed time to find herself. Which I can understand. She spent 2 yrs with her ex. Had 2 fuk buddies. Then I met her. The time since her last fb was 3months and ex boyfriend was 6months. I think she never really had much time to be alone. Her last year was stressful working and failing some studies. I have tried to be as supportive as I could. I know she has tried her best as well. So in the last 3 years she's been in constant relationships of one sort or another.
As for me. I've had a lot of casual relationships and fb's. But only had one previous relationship that I was serious about. Lasted 3yrs. I had a serious problem with cheating on gf's. It was habitual and I was a sex addict. But before I met my current exI decided to be by myself for awhile (18months) and figure stuff out. Which I did. And I never cheated on her. She doesn't know about any of that. But I guess its important as in this relationship I tried my best to not make any previous mistakes. Be in the right frame of mind. And be true to her and myself. Be open and ready to meet halfway.
I can understand her reasoning. She wanted someone to talk to and have fun with. Her own words. I wanted her attention. We'd chat and text daily. But there came a point where she felt she 'had' to do those things in order to please me. I guess I am pretty insecure. We'd chat about this and we always ended up compromising and reaffirming our affection. We never had financial problems. My work paid OK and we always did whatever we wanted. She felt that it was a fight over control in the relationship. I didn't. But in the initial phase of our relationship she had trouble finding Full time work and only had casual. But I can see now the perceived perception she may have had. Like I was 'buying' her or something. But to be honest all I wanted was for her to be happy. Baubles and trinklets were things I liked to buy because I had to work so hard for them. It made me feel good that I could buy/do whatever we wanted, within reason. So I think she felt obliged in some way. Finding full time working gave her independence and confidence in herself and I think that keeping up the effort she thought she had to do in the relationship was too much. She said she felt unsure at times what she should be doing and second guessing. Big fat warning signs they were. I asked for more than she was able to give. And so we are here.
I have never ever stayed friends with an ex. Whether I broke it up or they did. She as well. We both had the same reasoning. That its too painful to see someone when you/they still have romantic feelings. And if it didn't work the first time round then it won't later on.
I just don't get it though. I am willing to bend over backwards, to compromise myself and do anything to save, what I think is a worthy relationship and a good match. But when asked if we could continue this at a later date she said she wasn't sure. That no promises could be made, although she would like to. I feel as though she is confused about herself and needs space to find out who she is. What she wants and what she wants from others. It would be so much easier if she flat out said. We don't match. I don't love you. Or. I love you, but I need some time alone. Let's try this again in a few months.
The final straw that broke the camels back. I know when and where and what I was thinking. I always felt that if I did not call her she never would. I called her 6pm on a weekend. I asked how she was andsome small talk and then quickly made excuses to leave saying I was going to sleep after a long day work. When really I wanted to stay and chat because there is nothing better than talking with her after work. WHy I did this? In some stupid way I wanted her to miss me like I miss her. Instead in ended upa mind. And I think I've done that on more than one occasion. Later that night We chatted on msn. And at 10pm she wanted to leave for a PvP tournie on her favourite game LineageII (like World of Warcraft). I wanted to wait up. But I said to myself I wouldn't as it annoyed me that the game was more important. But truth is. That was her relaxation time. I left a message on msn 'got bored waiting up. Will have to get my fix of you tomoz. <enter soppy bit here>'. And I think that's when she realised it was too much. I was sending signals what she should and shouldn't be doing I guess.
As I think about it, our time is over. We had our chance and we lost focus or she has realised that this is not what she wants in a relationship. We never really spent enough time just doing nothing and solely spending time together to learn the unspoken language between us. If we had then perhaps we wouldn't second guess ourselves because we could have had more surity in what the other was feeling. She did her best and so did I. These things happen. Even when both sides don't want it to happen. If I knew we'd get to together again I could wait forever and a day. She gives me what I want and need in a relationship as well as being a peer whom I admire. I wished I could have done the same for her. I want a chance though. To make right any wrongs. To be with her. Its an uphill battle and atm there is nothing I can do but watch from the sidelines.
In the short breathe of time we shared I loved more than I ever thought I could and I grasped too tightly. I think she felt I was crushing her personality. She is strong and always had disdain for the norm and conforming. Basically I feel I screwed up a perfect thing.
The fall sux
Ciao