I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 years with this girl and things have always been amazing. Really. We never had one single fight and we care for each other a lot. We've met in the labor day and we had the time of our lives.

So last week she tells me she met new friends and she is going through changes and that she doesn't really know what she feels about me anymore. She says she wants some time to think about us, some time without me to try and understand what is my role in her life. She said she didn't fell for anyone nor that she wants to get involved with anyone else, is just that she doesn't feel the same anymore.

She is coming for Thanksgiving and I know that we like each other, it seems that it's just that the distance took its toll on her. So I sort of know that when she comes, we'll have fun... and it's quite possible that we'll be back together, or at least end it in a high note.

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

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It is really hard, but you just have to make a deal with yourself to leave her alone. You literally have to Man Up to do this!! I hope I am wrong, but when someone says this to you it is usually a pretty bad ending... especially for you. The less you contact her and the more you leave her alone the better the outcome, I promise you that. Just fill your mind and day with other things that do not allow you to give attention to her.

I bet she is changing, as what kind of space does someone need that you only see occasionally? How old are you, and why hasn't the distance between you been bridged a long time ago?

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Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something?

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By doing other things you enjoy, and putting your own interest ahead of hers.

4 years is a long time to be involved with someone, and its unrealistic to think you can just cancel her from your life so easily.

You can slowly be proactive in seeking the company of friends and family, though but this is going to be hard, I will not lie.

So Thanksgiving came. And as I said we had a lot of fun. We found we actually still like each other. But the distance won't go away so soon. And she can't stand it anymore. So we ended our story in a high note.

It hurts. But now I had some sort of closure. Time to move on.

4 years in a long distance relationship is amazing to say the least.

Once you find a girlfriend closer to home, and (again) experience the benefits of having a "normal" relationship you will see you did the right thing.

Go man go. Remember, your time with her was GOOD. That it is over is by no means a failure. Remember it well, with fondness, with no regrets... and most of all with no rebounding.

Life is ahead and more love awaits.

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

It means don't rush into a relationship until you are ready. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

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It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

Also, KCTiger's take on not bounding into a new "headlong" relationship is probably a good caution, too.

But mainly I meant remember her, but don't pine after her. Let the memories JUST be what they are... memories, and good ones if possible.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

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I kind of see why you are saying this, and in no way I am going to sit and wait for her to come back, I am already in a NC phase until I can get dettached from her and we can try to be good friends, which also may never happen. I already understood that she might not be the right person for me and that there are lots of fish in the pond. And right now I am trying to focus all my energy on my work and in making friends, new circles, getting back to old hobbies (yeah, my guitar was getting really dusty in the corner).

But I don't understand why you think I shouldn't go back to her if she get herself to love me back even with the distance and I am available, or if we end up in the same city in the future and we are both available, we shouldn't try to make it work.

Of course, if she calls me too soon, I would tell her to give herself a bit more time to think this through since there's a huge chance it's just she's feeling lonely. But I doubt this would happen, specially because I asked her to give me some healing time at least until Christmas (we're going to our home city and our families have common friends, so there's no way we can't avoid seeing each other again). Plus she's under so much stress from school that she can't even think about us anyway - that's the reason why only after 4 years she started feeling bad about the distance.

It was, after all a clean break up. There was never cheating or lying, nor any funny business. And the times we were together were great. We both became better people with each other. The whole thing was perfect, even in the end, lots of communication, the pain inflicted was kept to the minimum, nothing more, with both of us understanding what was going on with the other. I know it sounds unbelievable but it was just like that. And I'm not lying to myself!

Just opening a bit of my heart... maybe it'll make me feel better.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is starting to hit me: the idea that I'm now alone again. Last week I was in a choral concert and I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So I went alone. And I felt so sad I wouldn't be able to share the experience with my ex anymore, I couldn't stand it and left in the first interval. And had drinks with my roommate.

It's weird. It's not like I am the shy kind of guy and I am outgoing enough and reasonably attractive so it's not like I think I'll be alone forever. But right now, it just feels so empty to go out and hook up like it was before getting into college. And at the same time I feel I'm not ready to get into the work that is a new relationship... So it's like, I think I'll have to learn how to live with myself again, and while there is freedom in doing what I want, at the same time, it feels lonely because there isn't that close person with whom I can share the experiences in the way I could with my ex.

Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise... it's not that I blame her for anything and during the relationship she was always there for me, but right now it feels like I was abandoned, that she gave up on us due to the distance while I never had when I was faced with similar issues.

I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant. I hate the fact that we had a really really great thing and that it is gone because of something that is just one of these things of life... and at the same time I start feeling like she, unconsciously, let it die, and that makes me hate her a little.

I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.

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Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise...

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It doesn't matter if she did anything wrong or not. If she DID, would that make it OK for you to turn your pain into hate?

Absolutely not.

It's a common and unfortunate habit that many people do exactly that. You've admitted you're starting down that road, too.

Don't do it. Healing is NOT about blame. It's not even really the "getting over" that people obsess about.

Healing is about getting on. Life doesn't stop being everything wonderful and possible that it always was just because someone has stepped out of your life. Not at all. Healing is about connecting with the truths about your own character, what is good and right and beneficial to you.

Healing is about accurately remembering. It is SOOO convenient to play the blame game because making lists of other people's sins is so easy to do. But it's pointless. You seldom give exes credit for their intent, only what they did. So in your mind they end up being evil and you're righteously indignant.

So what? It rarely HELPS in any way once you've accomplished that. I know, some people can't heal without the blame game, and that's why there's usually another unhealthy relationship waiting for them.

No, you don't have to give in to that natural "she's an evil ogre" process. You can just remember accurately what actually happened, the good and the bad. The good you keep on your list of things to include the future. The bad goes on the list of things to avoid.

That's all. That's the best result of an ending relationship, good and helpful lists and character checking. Not hate.

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I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant...

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You're smart. Listen to that, remember it. Avoid rebounding.

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I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.

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That's a great sentiment. Why not forgive her now, during the pain. If you do that, the pain is lessened.

Forgiveness isn't something you do for other's benefit (although they do benefit)... mainly you do it for yourself. You do it to end the hate-thoughts, you do it to stop the obsessing and overanalyzing.

And you do it because you're a better man having done it.

You can do it.

Yesterday I spoke with my ex. Because I felt it wasn't quite clear during the whole break-up that she actually doesn't love me anymore, it seemed more like she got tired. I don't know why I called because I really don't want to get back anymore (or maybe I do and I am lying to myself). I think I just wanted to hear that she doesn't love me anymore. But maybe it was just a huge mistake. I felt better though. Or I think I do. I finally heard she saying that she still cares about me but that she doesn't love and that she sees me as a friend. I told her that I don't think that can happen, because everything would come back.

She said that in the future if things go differently we should give it another try, because she thinks the "friendization" happened due to distance only. I suggested that we should contact again when we reach a point in our lives where we are about to graduate or that we can choose where we are moving to, if we are both free. I heard the most enthusiastic YES ever. But until then we should just stay out of touch. Because if we contacted, we would be holding back ourselves. Or at least, I would.

Then I asked her that if in the future she feels that what we had was really special, not to be afraid of calling me. I'll probably not be available. And I might not probably feel the same way anymore. But there's a chance I would be feeling the same way. But it would just be a pity if that was the case and we both just didn't gave it another try. She agreed to that too. We wished each other happiness in our lives.

I could think she was just trying to soften the blow by saying those things, but I didn't feel she was. I think she meant everything she said. And, honestly, it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be trying to listen too much into it, even the whole future project things. Only God knows where things will be one year from now. The main message from this conversation for me is that it is really over.

@JBecauire

You are right. I think I am following this path out of immaturity. But it feels so weird because if she didn't do anything wrong and I didn't do anything wrong, then why are we apart? I guess the mental work I have to do right now is to stop obsessing about what went wrong, and whose fault it was, reduce the relationship to the good memories and just accept something's in life are just not understandable and not controllable.

I need to start caring about my life again. It's hard though. Because, while there are a few things I feel I am doing for myself, many times I feel I am doing stuff just to get over or to get back at her (nothing vicious, here... I am talking about making myself happy again) but every time I follow this road, whatever I am doing gets sour real fast. Is it a matter of giving time for myself or is there something, some sort of mindest I can switch into that would finally set me free? I know 4 years is too long, and that I was hugely invested in it. It feels like I am watching the burial of a very dear friend, our hopes and dreams. But I would really really like for this to just go away.

First, think about this, something you may not have added to your thoughts yet.

MOST relationships end.

That's it. That's the universal truth. You date many, you love many, but you cleave to one... eventually. A relationship starts and immediately starts the steady progression to its ending. I think it's even fair to say you date someone to discover the reasons you can't be together for 60 years. Once discovered, you move on. The better you get at the moving on part, the less melodramatic that part has to be, the more steady your character becomes.

One day, you're dating someone looking for the reasons you can't be stay together healthily... and you can't find anything. Neither one of you. So you stay together for 60 years.

So, as I said, no one HAS to do anything wrong for a relationship to end. It's just as likely that two people can do EVERYTHING wrong and still stay together if they're characters are THAT compatible, understand?

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The main thing is you have to be comfortable in your own skin with or without a girlfriend. You need to be who you are anyway.

The real victory is pursuing individual happiness with your own accomplishments and having someone come along who admires and respects THAT, and chooses you in that light.

This way, you're fine out of the gate, you're not trying to establish "happiness" on the shoulders of someone else. Not every girl could shoulder that kind of pressure.

Your own skin, got to learn to be happy in it no matter who else is or isn't around that day.

@JB:

Hey. First, thanks for answering my posts. Really.

Look, I do understand fully the concept that most relationships end. Honestly. My ex wasn't even the first person I went out with, though she was my first serious girlfriend. And right now I am pretty sure she won't be my last serious girfriend.

And while it may not look like it, I was never desperate to keep her or something like that. Of course, since the relationship ended while I was still loving, I went through the motions, but I don't think those motions were bigger than what they are supposed to be for a situation like this.

Before she telling me that she was having second thoughts, it wasn't like I was overly reliant on her for my happiness... I wasn't the high maintenance kind of boyfriend. The reason why the distance was never bridged is that we had grad school choices that just couldn't put us in the same town and we felt that we shouldn't sacrifice our careers just for that. Of course we had plans of marrying and having kids but after it was over, I wasn't wondering what will my life be after her.

I am just struggling with the idea that she isn't there for me. And that her happiness or sadness shouldn't mean anything anymore for me (I wish her well, but I can't be there for her anymore). I got used to those habits. And like any addiction, going cold turkey is always painful. And I don't think it was wrong for us build that mutual support in our relationship when we felt confident we could do that.

The whole confusion is that every time I try to put in the table what was good about the relation and what was bad, I can only put two things on the "bad" column. (1) Distance sucks. (2) It ended. Of course, I can always pick stupid things or stupid arguments... like her weird musical taste... but I don't really resent any of that and most of it actually felt cute.

[Not that her feelings matter right now but it's not even like she disagrees with me. Actually she blames everything on the distance and only that. She was still calling me "honey" yesterday, even though she understands we are through!]

If I had the choice of having a relation with someone else I would love to do it in the same way, with someone local. But I know I no two people are alike and I'll have a different type of relation. And I know it will be good in its own way, because I know that it is possible for me to be in a relationship that allows me to be myself and grow as person and help someone to do the same, and get the same help in return and all of that filled with love. And I know I shouldn't accept less than that because I had exactly that kind of experience.

And I actually have to thank you for not letting me go down the "hate" road because that seemed like an easy way out but now I see it's wrong because it would just tarnish the good memories and probably would make me a worse person.

I agree there's nothing wrong with a relationship ending. And there are various reasons a relationship can end. One of them is incompatibility and when that's the case, while some drama might occur, it's easy to see that it wouldn't go anywhere and had to end.

But when the problem is external... like distance for us... is not that we can't see us together 60 years down the road... is just that it's hard not being able to see each other on the next weekend and not being able to call the other person for dinner, share common friends, do simple things... You can live like that for a year, maybe two... and we did that for three and half! But I can see her point in not being able to take it any longer... I had issues with that too last year... it got to a point where I just didn't feel any love anymore for her, I was numb, feeling like I wanted a normal life... I managed to cope somehow and started loving her again on a trip together...

My situation wasn't really one of those where I built the foundations of my happiness on her shoulders and now my universe crumbled. I think it's more like a case where I feel like a very good and dear friend died. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. I know I'll make a new friend in the future. But right now I mourning. I am having a difficulties in being happy again, but I guess I shouldn't be trying for that so hard. I think I just need time to get her out of my system, and naturally I will get back to being happy alone again.

(Sorry if I seem stubborn... I am not trying to argue with you... and I think most of what you say is really really great advice, but you know each case is different and... I am mostly writing for myself... It helps to put write these and get the out of my chest... )

I had not talked with my ex since Monday and I've been feeling quite crapy myself. Then yesterday, out of the blue, she contacted me to check on me. She wanted to make sure I was fine. I told her I wasn't but that was only natural and that in time I would be fine.

I also told her that if she wanted to talk to me, to make sure she was doing it with the purest of the intentions and not to make herself better, to remove the remorse or to feel the comfort of me being around, knowing I still have feelings. She told me that was the case. She really liked the friendship and she is only talking to me now because she feels I'm not trying to make us go back again. I said that there was a lot of work to do and that it might not be easy on her either. She agreed and wanted to try to be friend again.

I don't know if she's having second intentions... I have no reason to believe she would do such a thing... and even if she is trying to play games, it would blow on her face because she would play with herself only. So honestly, I don't care... she is a good listener and knows me well so right now, as long as I'm not the one going after her ears, I'm fine.

Of course, during this conversation the "why did you leave me" came up, but I'm not really trying to get her back, I just have this strong desire to understand what happened to her. She told me a lot of stuff (distance made me feel I was living parallel lifes and I was tired of that) which doesn't really matter anymore. While she was talking I felt I didn't really care to the why. It's nothing I can "fix" and even if it was, I don't want to "fix" that anymore. I told her that while I still had feelings, I was just purging her out of my system, that's the only thing I want to do right now. I told her that I don't hate her and that I "forgive" her, but that actually there was nothing to forgive because whatever she did, I know it was with the best of all intentions (this was a conversation topic that on Monday was left on the air, I told her I didn't want to forgive her for causing me all that pain... that was before reading JB's post).

During the conversation I didn't felt like everything was coming back, though there might be some delayed response that would make me write another one of these looong posts... I didn't want to get her back, but I was feeling something was still bothering me.

This morning I had a bad time trying to understand and then it struck me. Since we broke up I was feeling a relief and I thought it had to do with the long distance relationship. But now I see that was lying to myself. The relief was just a relief from being out of a relationship and having time and mindset to do things people committed don't. The thing is, I was actually fine with the distance, because in my mind I knew eventually we would be together and I could see spending the rest my whole life with her, it was worth waiting... I didn't feel I was missing out on opportunities or any of those things...

But then, why do I feel like I don't want to go back? Well, the thing is that there is an implicit contract when you are serious with someone and that you are in a reciprocal relation. It has to do with making some effort to not let the other person go, or at least to work with that other person during the dettachment process, to really give a chance for the other part to have a less traumatic experience...

And while she did at some point come to talk to me, she did so only way after she started struggling with it. And when she came to me, the feeling in her was lost so it was less like a warm person trying to explain something in a caring way and more like a court officer serving a warrant to appear on court, cold. I don't blame her for any of this, we're both young and it's the first break up for both of us.

But still, the trust for me is gone. Not the whole trust. I could still give her a credit card on my name and know she wouldn't screw me up. But I wouldn't be able to trust my heart to her again. Which means that if she wanted to come back, that's something we would have to work on: it's not only about her loving me; it's also about me trusting her again. Which feels really really hard right now.

After I managed to actually be honest with myself about this, I felt so much lighter. Again, just rambling. And giving an update if there's anyone following this story.

TIME, that's all you need! Time and plenty of it.

True, tal...

It's just that the whole thing feels like a roller coaster... Yesterday and today morning I was fine... really fine... But suddenly, out of the blue, I felt really bad again. It's like suddenly I start to remember about everything that happened and it's like I want to suffer...

That's when you get on the Wii, polish your shoes, (do they still do that?) rearrange your albums, or something to change your focus.

I just want to say that I really enjoy reading your posts ITL. I am in a similar situation... although mine is just a two year relationship with the last 8 months being as a LDR before we broke.

It really is the hardest thing breaking up when there is no real reason for the break up, other than the distance. Sure, there are other factors which may have contributed, but it is the distance which lead to the "friendization" and ultimately a loss of attraction.

I am really struggling with it... especially the rollercoaster ride of it all. Just when I thought I was making progress with moving on, then she pops back up and starts putting ideas in my head, and most of all her making sure that she is still in my head.

I find the whole friend thing the most difficult to comprehend... I will only really be capable of considering her just a friend when I would be comfortable seeing her with a new guy... kissing, holding hands, going home together etc. Until I am comfortable with that situation, I know that I will never be able to just consider her a friend.

But yeah, I mainly just wanted to say that I am following your story with interest all the way from New Zealand, and I wish you the best of luck.