Long story short. Got pregnant in college. After the first year me and my boyfriend lived w/ my parents. He got kicked out 5 weeks later for hitting me. I had our son and it's been 10 months since he last seen him (and me).

He completely refuses to talk to me and seems to have no intention on visiting (he lives out of state). I just don't understand how someone could block out that they have a son and girlfriend whom they proposed to three times.

I just keep thinking one day he will grow up and everything would be great, but I know it's never going to be that way. I was just wondering if someone could give me tips on how to move on since it's been almost 2 years since we broke up.

You will move on when you make a decision to do so. As much as you would like a partner in raising your son, he would be a bad choice. Don't mistake that need for respect or love.

Take him at his face value. See him as he is. Don't dream of him growing up your way.

When your son is an adult, they might meet and work out their relationship. But for now, it's you in the driver's seat.

Let go of him, and find a gentle man to be with.

It will take some time, but by living your life, and doing things to make your child safe, and happy, and you productive with a happy life of your own, you will eventually move beyond feelings for your ex.

He is toxic, and irresponsible, and your healing will take longer than just 10 months. Be patient as you build a life that you enjoy, without him.

Threads merged

Ok I really need help with this, I probably should see a councler or someone, but that really isn't an option. I haven't emailed my ex for 18 days and he hasn't tried to contact me at all. We have a son together that he hasn't seen since June. I can't seem to get over him. I really, really want to esp. since he seems like he is well over me. I just can't stop thinking about him and there are at least 3 things I see/hear about every day that just reminds me of him. I just don't know what to do. I went on a semi date in Feb. but that went horrible and all I kept thinking about was my ex. Help!

What are the things you see EVERYDAY that remind you of him? The first step to this is getting rid of any reminders. Secondly, it has only been 18 days. You can break up with someone a year ago, but I tend to think that it is ONLY when you initiate FULL NC that the real healing begins. 18 days is nothing. Take more time and do things to get your mind off him. What else do you have in your life, besides constant reminders of him?

Try approaching this like you would if you wanted to quit smoking.

Quitting anything (even people) is very hard in the beginning but if you stick with it, it becomes easier with time.

Try very hard to chase thoughts of him from your mind anytime they enter.

Keep yourself as busy as possible.

Make a list of things you don't like about him.

Make a list of qualities you would look for in your next partner (even if you won't be ready to start dating anytime soon).

Remind yourself of the bad times with him.

Exercise! It does wonders to a person's feeling of well-being, it releases happy hormones.

Spend time with people, make an effort to invest in new or old friendships.

Don't think about him. I know I've said already but I'm emphasizing it.

That's all I can think of for now...

Wow, I know that no contact is the way to go for the relationship between you and him, but he has a son and he sounds very irresponsible. He hasn't contact his son since June? He should at least have found a third party who can pick up your son so that he can see him.

Find a lawyer to see what child support you can obtain. Then, you should move on with your life. You shouldn't waste your time with a guy like this anymore.

I am getting child support, he lives out of state. There are tons of things that remind me of him. If I see doritos in the food store or someone saids something about North Carolina or New Jersey (where he lives now and used to), anything about nascar, any creed, phil collins or journey song, etc. Thanks for the responses everyone.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

I am getting child support, he lives out of state. There are tons of things that remind me of him. If I see doritos in the food store or someone saids something about North Carolina or New Jersey (where he lives now and used to), anything about nascar, any creed, phil collins or journey song, etc. Thanks for the responses everyone.

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Well then the problem is for you to get over him.

There are always going to be signs that will remind you of him. But it sounds like you aren't busy and distracted enough. For example, if you were out having lots of fun with whoever, then you will hardly notice that bag of doritos in the store.

Go out there and enjoy life! After all that suffering, I think you deserve some happiness by now :)

I can't really have fun. I go to school during the day and watch my son at night. It's not like I can go out anytime I want (like he can I'm sure)

The best way to get over someone is to keep no contacting them. Although in your situation, you guys share a child so there will always be some connection between you two. See him only for your child and not for yourself. That's how it feels at first when you stop contacting a person, the longer it is, the less you ll stop thinking about him.

What's the situation between the child and the father? Is he being a father to him? Taking time to see him?

He hasn't seen him since last June. He wasn't there since my last trimester. He has never been a real "father" to him. He has seen him like maybe 4-5 times since he was born.

Yes, dear, you have GOT TO MOVE ON! Just keep that in mind!

Do not think you boyfriend's behavior has anything to do with you or how you are of value to God and to all.

Take care of your emotional life and live responsibly so your son will learn from your modeling. Seek help when you need, but know that God needs to strengthen you to get a good hold of your life for your own sake and your son's.

Teach your son about God as Father. He will not lack anything, or need to wait for men to be able to live a good and healthy life!

In Jesus Love,

Comovai.

This is a tough one. You have a constant reminder--your son.
I know what that is like, and honestly it does get better with time.

My ex husband hasn't seen our daughter for almost two years. I get no child support and not because I haven't tried.

You can choose to dwell on what could have been, OR you can choose to start healing and making plans for your and your son's future.

Your ex is doing you a favor. You just don't realize it right now. He hit you. Enough said. If he has that in him, it would only get worse. You DO NOT want to live like that, especially with your son watching his mom being abused. Also, he walked out on his child. Says a lot about his character.

It is unfortunate for your son, and you, but you be strong and take one day at a time, even seek out some counseling. I did. It helped me tremendously. I even took our daughter once she started having questions about her dad. She's a well adjusted, happy little girl right now, and I am a happy, yet busy, single mom.

Your date didn't go well because you are not ready, but there will be other dates. The suggestions Dragonfly made are great. It is very helpful to write down qualities, not personality traits, but qualities you would look for in a mate.

I know it seems like you will never have fun again because you are so busy. I can't say you will not always be so busy, but you will find a balance. Get help with babysitters and MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.

I have a feeling that if you did that, even one lunch with friends or a night out, and had some real fun, things would start to look brighter.

Hang in there. Things will turn around for the better.

Thanks

Just out of curiosity, why do you want to be with a guy that hits you? Why do you want to be with guy that doesn't value his own child? What on earth could this person offer anyone?

Also, you might want to start a journal and as these emotions come up write them down because that can help you focus them and trace them back to the cause that makes you need to continue proving yourself for someone that isn't worth proving it to.

Also, your dad is a better man then me, because if some douche bag smacked my daughter in my house he'd have a hard time getting out. Even though your not in a perfect situation, your parents have gone above and beyond by letting you move back in. You should be grateful to have a support structure and use the one you do have, not search for one you don't.

Because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds. And I opened up fully to him and I don't feel like I could do that again w/ someone. And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy '

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In one run on sentence you defend being hit and then call him a great guy.

Are you serious? Is this a joke? The guy that won't pay attention to his own child is a great guy? The guy that you trust used you as a punching bag is a great guy? I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then to be disrespected like that.

This is quite the night at AMHD.com for abused women. There's another post around her about a girl who is being abused by a guy that tells her the women he's cheating on her with is going to be a great mother to their child and then you try and top her with the guy that hits me and doesn't want anything to do with our kid is a great guy.

NEWSFLASH. HE'S NOT!

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds.

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And it does sound lame. You know man used to travel by horseback and then the car was invented. Just because something was done first doesn't make it better.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

And i opened up fully to him and i don't feel like i could do that again w/ someone.

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Seriously? Are you telling me that you feel like you couldn't open up to a guy that respects and likes kids and doesn't hit women. Furthermore, he didn't just hit you... as bad as that is, he did it in your parents home because he's a loser that can't support himself. To me, I'm just stunned by that. To me that's just amazing, that someone could offer this guy a place to stay and his response is to hit their daughter.

Help me out here Nicole. What is there to like about this guy. Not love, just like. There's nothing. Not one thing. Literally nothing.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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Well, I've gone out with girls who had a kid. Granted they could drive and had cars. But are you actually basing you and your child future on this guy because you think no other guy will go out with you? Tal just said it in another thread. There is no amount of love in this world to put up with getting hit by a boy that won't be in his child's life. I'd rather be alone, then put up with that. The very fact that you want to punish yourself by being with this guy says you shouldn't be dating anyone. You have no confidence right now. You need to quit focusing on what you don't have, and start being grateful for what you do have. You need to bring you self esteem up so that guys don't use you and throw you away like this one did. You need to stand up for yourself when you are being mistreated. You need to completely change so you can move forward when the next guy does come along and have a stable mindset to deal with any issues that come. Having said that, I can't imagine he'd be as bad as this boy is.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds. And i opened up fully to him and i don't feel like i could do that again w/ someone. And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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"He only hit me once" It wouldn't have been the last. That's a fact.

I used to think my ex was a great guy, too. He was my first love, too.
My mistake--I ignored red flags and married him.

Listen, you have the chance I didn't have. Instead of spending the best years of your life trying to make it work with this guy, you have a chance to find happiness on your own and then later with someone much, much better.

And don't think guys don't date girls with children. I have not found that to be the case. There are a lot of single dads out there, too. Real stand-up guys who pay child support and spend time with their kids.

You opened up fully to him. And what did he do? Hit you and now totally ignores you and your son. That's what you need to focus on. You will undoubtedly open up fully again to someone else. Healing needs to take place first. But it will happen

You have a new priority now and that is your child.You and your child are a pair now and that is all that should concern you.

You have to know this man has no interest.What kind of guy just up and deserts a woman and his child?

Is he the role model you want for your son?

He is enjoying his life and having fun and you are giving your love to a ghost from the past.

You can control your thoughts and when he comes to mind simply shout (in your head) NO,He is no good for me or my son.

Do this every time he pops in and soon you will find he does so less and less.

You need to be a fully functioning woman to be a good mother.

Pining over some guy who has no concern for you is a waste of time and effort and all you are succeeding in doing is making yourself miserable.

If you are miserable,your child will suffer as well.No matter how hard you try to be happy ,he will sense it and it will affect him negatively as well.

You DO have control and you need to stop cheating yourself and your child of the quality of life you both deserve.

This man hit you and believe me ,I know from experience,it would happen again.

You are lucky to be rid of him.Remind yourself of how you felt when he hurt you and not hold on to the fantasy that you wish could have been.

Enjoy your child,they are the greatest gift in the world and in doing so you will find the inner peace you need and deserve!