I just don't want things to end badly.
At this point in time, I have no desire to get back together with my ex. After things he said, things he did, and his lifestyle I don't think it's ever possible for us to get back together. I'm truly truly hurt. I just turned 20 recently, and he's the only guy I ever really cared for. Yes, I'm still immature and inexperience when it comes to love. I also fantasize love. I also think I'm too much of a dreamer.
I have no idea what I tihnk of him right now. I don't want to hate him, yet I know I have more than enough reason to hate him. I should be mad/angry at him, but I'm not. I don't know if I still like him, but I do know that he doesn't like me in that way anymore. Ever since we broken up, he's been mean and cruel. He never gave me a chance to talk to him about the break up. Although it was partly my fault.
He broke up with me face to face, but I was too shock to say anything. If I tried to persuade him at that time, we would probably still be together. Because he still liked me a lot when we were breaking up. I wanted to talk to him about it on day 2 of our break up, but by then he was already unwilling to talk. I didn't want to get on his nerve so I just left him alone, I wanted to respect him. It's been a month since we broke up, and I still find myself regretting for not trying to convince him out of it. So I finally decided to confront him about it. What I found out was that he has completely move on, and would not talk to me about it. He admit that he was being unfair to me the whole time, because he never gave me a chance to talk to him about it.
I just wanted to let everything out of my chest, so I wrote him an email. By the time I wrote the email I had completely given up hope, I know it's over. But I just want to write him everything that I wanted to tell him. It was a closure for myself.
That actually helped me a lot, I felt like I've finished the unfiniished business for myself. And I can finally move on, without thinking what if I told him that.
I hope you guys would believe me, when I say I don't want to get back together with him. I can't help but feel that he doesn't really want to see me, as if he wish I would disappear from his life. If he keeps doing what he's doing, one day I'll really start hating him, no matter how forgiving I am. I just think it's really sad to start hating someone that you once cared for. I want to keep what good memories I have of him, and I want him to keep what good memories he has of me. I don't want us to destroy each other's good memories with bad ones.
So I msned him and left him message, telling him basically what I said in the above paragraph. He probably thinks I can't move on and wants to stay friends becoz I still want to be with him. So maybe he'll be even meaner. I just hope he'll stop skipping lectures, and sit next to me in class. I hope we can stay in contact, and maybe in the future we can laugh at how we were once together.
I really don't want things to end up badly. I've spent years regretting friendship that I lost over stupid reasons. I don't want this to be one of them. Am I wrong? Is this unhealthy?