She left me about two months ago because I worked too much. We were together for almost 4 years and the work situation became a problem about two years in but it got a lot worse the last 8 months or so. It was a quick and emotional break up for both of us and now she has moved to the other side of the country for the summer. We talk a lot now and she really misses me and loves me, but is determined to stick this out. I have curtailed my working habits and I think she really believes I have changed.

Ask yourself this... have you changed enough balance both her, and work?

For sure! I am self employed and have one business partner. We were stretched to thin anyway so we decided to hire another full time employee to balance our schedules. This has happened since we broke up. My ex is a bit bitter that I am doing all this after the fact, but better late then never and it is a good thing for me as well.

Have you talked to her about all of this and how you are ready for both work, and a relationship?

For sure and I really think she believes me. But she has been following me around for the past two years going with me where my work takes me and she kind of lost her identity. She is now trying to get that back, I think she lost touch with her friends and her self. I am 26 she is 21 and I think she really needed this. I am supporting her and giving her her space. She also had some deaths in her family over the last year. I know there is real love between us. I just reached a breaking point.

That's all you have to do. Be her support and give her space. Once things start looking up, she most likely will get back together with you and you two can start your relationship back up again. Just her time and give her your love.

Sorry last sentence should read "IT just reached a breaking point" (as in the relationship)

Thanks rockabilly1955mama

The pleasure is all mine my dear!

I have limited my contact big time. I have not tried ‘no contact’ yet and I am not sure if it’s the best approach for my particular situation. Here is the deal as posted in a previous thread: She left me about two months ago because I worked too much. We were together for almost 4 years and the work situation became a problem about two years in but it got a lot worse the last 8 months of our relationship. It was a quick and emotional break up for both of us and now she has moved to the other side of the country for the summer to clear her head. We talk a lot now and she really misses me and loves me, but is determined to stick the summer out. I have curtailed my working habits and I think she really believes I have changed. With in the last few months we have had some great conversations over the phone and msn. She calls me I call her etc. If I don’t fall into talking about heavy things and keep the conversation light she calls me back and I can sense her insecurity with me going on with my life with out her etc. But if I ever fall into bringing up our situation it isn’t terrible but I do lose some points. I personally think if I can maintain regular conversation, stay up beat and stay off the subject of our relationship and keep contact to a minimum it will work out in my favor. Keep in mind the relationship ended mainly due to my neglect so ‘no contact’ may not be the best approach. She is coming back in July to get her stuff in order for when she moves back permanently and also to visit her friends / family and me for a week or two. I am not sure if it will be awkward if I do ‘no contact’ up until I see her on the visit. For the past two years she has been going with me where my work takes me and she kind of lost her identity. She is now trying to get that back, I think she lost touch with her friends and her self. I am 26 she is 21 and I think she really needs this. I am supporting her and giving her her space. She also had some deaths in her family over the last year. I know there is real love between us. It just reached a breaking point. So what do you think the best approach would be?

You still have a chance and I say... "go get her Romeo!"

Thanks, things are getting better every day

Have more time for her then work and tell her u will make time for her and that u miss her a lot

What about a grand display of your true feelings - what about if you took a week off work and went to the other side of the country to wherever she is and tell her exactly what you have said on here - you love her, want to show her that you want to make an effort for her because she is important to you and you want her to be in yout life. You can arrange your own accommodation - don't stay with her - but be there - take her for dinner and basically devote your holiday to her. Then go home - no pressure. It will give her food for thought in between now and when she comes to visit you.

Don't FOOL YOURSELF!!

No Contact is your go Definitely Don't want to hear this crap hoe you wernt there enough for her and worked too much. This is not the reason for her leaving. Tell yourself that as much as youwant Buddy its not True. If she really loved you she would stay. If she really wanted you she would stay.

People don't leave cause you work too much. They doiscuss it or the work around it. You working a lot would be great setting up for a future for the two of you...

You are definitely wrong believing working too much is the reason please listen that is not yes Not why she wants out..

She is unsure weather you are the one and that ois the reason her feeling s may have dropped a bitand she does not like you as much as she used too... she is evaluating things. Go nNo contct for a bit let her know what she is missing, this will not hurt your chances and if you think it does then she was never coming back anyway.

Once again you don't leave someone cause they work too mucyou eithertalk about it or you work around that! 1 This is a lie!!

Definitely she is confuaed and unsure how she feels.

I agree with what you are saying to an extent. She Is confused and for sure doesn't feel the same way she used to about me. The main reason being that I worked all the time with my own business leaving very little time for us. That led to other problems resentment, alienation and eventually her doubting her feelings etcetera. Eventually leading to exactly what you said. So I agree with that. I have limited my contact big time and kept things light and casual when we do talk over the phone or MSN. She is now saying she misses me a ton and has decided to come home to visit me and her friends and family. She is emailing me and calling me all the time now. I think No Contact all together would be a big mistake due to the circumstances of our break up.

So now that she is coming home for 8 days and wants to spend a lot of them with me I think I will take things as they come and see what happens. Any ideas anybody?

Right, take it easy... don't rush things... just be you. Enjoy.

Yes light contact seems like your go and like you said show her your work habits have dropped and you have more time for someone special in your life. Now I think a good way of doing that though is not to try and tell her you have more time for her but try and show her you now have more time for whoever it may be that you choose to let in to your life . Don't make it seem like its for her you wantit to be like she made you realise that its beetter for you to eork less but tat does not mean she will get to come back whatever happens you will now be ina better position for your next relationship...

Just be yourself and enjoy the time and let her see that you care and have changed with your actions rather than words, I caution you not to have high expectations, since you've said she is coming to get her stuff for a permanent move. I doubt if you change her mind, and hope that's not what your trying to do. But Good Luck.

Cool thanks guys. Sorry if I made it seem like she is getting her stuff for a permanent move, but that's not the case (thank god!). She is just coming back because she is super home sick and wants to visit her family, friends and me. She has already asked me to do three different things with her while she is back. She plans on going back to where she is currently living, but just for the summer or fall.

Quote:

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She is coming back in July to get her stuff in order for when she moves back permanently and also to visit her friends / family and me for a week or two.

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Sorry.

If I was in your shoes, I would just be there for her, don't do NC, if both sides trying to make things work, support her in whatever she does, even if you don't accept or agree with it... in the end, as long as you were there that's all that matters

Just be yourself and enjoy the time and let her see that you care, and have changed, with your actions rather than words, I caution you not to have high expectations, but do make sure a great time is had by you both. Let her know she was missed, without getting to sloppy about it. But Good Luck.

Updates?

It went amazing! We had the best 12 days ever! She went back to where she is living for the summer but is now trying to sublet her house so she can come back home. We have agreed to get back together when she comes home and this whole break up woke me up and made me realize what's important. We are more in love now then ever before.

Thanks for all the support I will keep you informed as stuff evolves.

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me near the end of March then moved far away with her friend fro the summer. It was almost 100% due to my busy busy work schedule which plagued our relationship for the last year and also some deaths in her family that added stress to the relationship. I made some serious changes since we broke up and she came back home for a visit a few weeks ago. We spent every day together and fell deeper in love then ever (this came as quite a surprise to her). She went back to where she is living for the summer and we started talking everyday and it turned into basically a long-term relationship. We made plans to live together when she came home and she was even cutting her stay shorted to come back and be with me sooner. Then last week we talked and she explained how hard it was for her to be talking to me everyday and missing me so much and she told me she needs a bit of space so it will be easier to get her through the rest of her time out there. We never really labeled our situation or made any ground rules. Anyway I understood and agreed to go along with it (Another reason she went out there originally to prove to her self that she could still be independent so this new plan made sense to me). So last night she calls me crying and told me she got super drunk Friday night and ended up kissing a guy (that’s all, kissing). She goes on to say it was the biggest mistake of her life and she hates that she did it and so on and so on. Then she said that she is going to stop fighting her emotions for me and wants me to move out there with her for the rest of the summer or she will come back home right away. Emotionally to a degree she had been keeping me at arms length but now finally let all her emotions out and that was nice to hear. I don’t know I was mad but I respect her honesty and it is very evident that this situation made it even more apparent to her how much she loves me and how important I am to her. I was obviously hurt and mad but now I am just a bit confused. I can't imagine my life with out her and I love her so much. But I am just a bit jarred by this. What do you think of the situation? What should I do?

Champ I red through all your posts and have realised your story fromth beginning in March. Yourve done really welland all but I have a big feeling your girlfriend went away has had a lot of fun and has been cheating on youup there. Sorry to say. I think though she is coming back down home or whatever after the summer andshe knows this that is why she sill keepsyou hanging forwhen she gets back. Unless shecuts her tripshort and comes home you can't trust her a girl who kisses another guy! Ifshe was really still thatinto you as you say she wouldn't even be thinking this!! That's for sure...

The fact that she phoned you in tears to tell you about the kiss should be proof that she loves you!

I made the mistake years ago, I got very drunk, and kissed another girl. Because I loved my then girlfriend so much, I could not handle the guilt, and had to tell her.

If she did not love you, she would not care, and would feel no guilt. I know it will get to you a little - but try to put it behind you. She obviously loves you a lot.

Just my opinion!

Something like this happened to me but my fiancé did something worse than just kiss. I was deeply hurt, and still am, but I know that since he told me what happened, that he is still in love with me and always was. I say give it a chance. I did and I'm one of the happiest people. You'll never forget but you can always forgive.

Thanks everyone.

She is now coming back in August, calls me one to two times a day, sent me a gift, and has said a number of things to me to reassure that I am the only one and that she loves me and wants to be with me forever.

Also.. I have forgiven her but told her that it will take me a while to fully get over it.

Honestly I don't think it's a big deal. The reason I say this is because you guys never set ground rules. Sure she came back and you guys had a fabolous time together. But you guys didn't say you were back together. Obviously she loves you a lot and she didn't have to tell you she kissed another guy, you would have never found out. I would not worry about and let it go. Now if you guys do become official and she does something like this, that is considered cheating. However, what she just did is not since you two were not official. Forget it ever happened and welcome her with open arms. I wish you the best of luck :)

Just quick update….

She just booked her flight home for August 2nd. She really wanted to come home on time to go to my family friends wedding with me. She will be home to stay now and we are back together. Thanks everyone for all of your help through this. I will ad to this if there are any significant updates

I am not a jealous person so this is a new feeling for me. I have no doubt that my girl friend loves me and wants to be with me. But when we were broken up over the last few months we both slept with someone else and I am just afraid of what that will do to our relationship. I am picking her up at the airport next Thursday and we are totally back together now. When she visited late June we both knew about each other hooking up with other people, but at that time I was so caught up in getting back with her that I didn’t let it get to me. The thing is she first became friends with the person that she was with then they slept together and the dude is a fairly prominent BMX athlete, so that can make a guy feel a bit insecure (they don't talk now). And the other guy she kissed is also a name in the sport and a business associate of mine (I introduced them). I totally trust her and love her and now that we are together I know I will be the only one, but my problem is I still feel insecure and jealous of what happened. Also she is not one to sleep around at all she had only slept with her long term high school boy friend before me so it makes me feel a bit weird that she would even do that. I know I did it to but I still feel messed up about it and I know she is jealous to but we are both determined to work through this. Any suggestions on how to deal with my jealousy and insecurity?

Below is a recap of what lead up to this (for those who don’t know)….

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me near the end of March then moved far away with her girl friend for the summer. It was almost 100% due to my busy busy work schedule which plagued our relationship for the last year and also some deaths in her family that added stress to the relationship. I made some serious changes since we broke up and she came back home for a visit a few weeks ago. We spent every day together and fell deeper in love then ever (this came as quite a surprise to her). She went back to where she is living for the summer and we started talking everyday and it turned into basically a long-term relationship. Then couple weeks ago we talked and she explained how hard it was for her to be talking to me everyday and missing me so much and she told me she needs a bit of space so it will be easier to get her through the rest of her time out there. We never really labeled our situation or made any ground rules. Anyway I understood and agreed to go along with it (Another reason she went out there originally to prove to her self that she could still be independent so this new plan made sense to me). So the next call I get from her is her crying she then tells me she got super drunk Friday night and ended up kissing a guy (that’s all, kissing). She goes on to say it was the biggest mistake of her life and she hates that she did it and I am the only one for her and so on and so on. I was upset but I semi moved on from the issue. She confessed her complete and total love for me and we started talking every day again she opened up to me entirely for the first time since we broke up we are having great talks (except for the few awkward talks about the kissing thing). Only about 5 days after the kiss she said she has booked her flight and is moving back home to be with me. And that leads me to the paragraph above.

First of all, you were broken up. You don't have any right to be upset about what she did while you weren't together. This is exactly the same as being upset about something she did before you were dating, or before you even met.

If you keep obsessing over it now, then yeah, it's going to ruin your relationship. That has nothing to do with the kiss itself, that has to do with you being jealous. If it's that much of a problem for you, then the relationship is already over, and you're just setting yourselves up for a whole lot of pain in the near future.

I am not obsessing, it is defiantly not eating me up or anything like that and I sure won't let it destroy the relationship. I think I am just a bit worried because I have never really had any reason to feel jealousy before. I am not upset at her I just feel a bit jealous and insecure about what happened. Just to be clear I don't think what she did was wrong at all but it just makes me feel a bit weird so I am looking for some advice on how to deal with these feelings.

Let it go. The more you worry about something the bigger it gets in your mind, learn to let go and don't sweat the small stuff.