Hi everyone,

Most of you know me pretty well by now, others won't. I'm sure you know how to get my story if need be.

Anyway I just wanted to ask you all your thoughts on somehting that I have been thinking about the last couple of days.

I have been going along great since the break up with my ex. It has been a bit over 12 months and I can honestly say that I now feel happy again and enjoying all aspects of my life.

In fact I sort of proved it to myself the other night when I found out of my ex that she is living with a new boyfriend. By complete fate I jumped into cab out the front of a club I had been at, and who should be in the front seat but my ex. I learnd that she was on her way home to her new boyfriends house whom she had moved in with.

It didn't really effect me at all. I didn't feel sad, I wasn't mad, I was just sort of numb. A little shocked but I just moved it to the back of my brain and moved on.

My question is though does this seem too soon for you for someone to be moving in with someone. We had been together 7 years and had only broken up about 12 months ago. I know that for a lot of that time she didn't have a boyfriend. So she couldn't have been with this guy too long.

For me I could not even imagine moving in with a new girlfriend yet. And it would take a lot of getting to know her to even consider it.

To me it seems like not such a good move. But do others feel the same.

Im just interested to see what you guys think?

Man I'm sorry but you I would feel kind of hurt about that, not because she's moving in, but why so soon... it kind of makes you feel like wow she got over me this quick, but its not hurting you as much, because you know she's happy and you started seeing yourself happy?. no matter what there's going to been feelings there, but if she can do it so can you, ex's are ex's chapter closed.

Im sure she was over me before it was even over between us. The her getting over me bit is obvious.

It was just when I thought about moving in with someone so quickly after meeting them it kind of made me cringe a little.

I think in ways it has made me change my opinion of her.

Yes, your ex living with another guy does seem like a hasty move-in situation to me too.

My ex informed me that he lives with another girl only 10 months after he broke up with me. It had not even been a year in my situation. It hurt very badly and was a huge setback for me.

You seemed to handle the news better than I did though, so congratulations on that. When I found out the news from my ex, I tried to maintain my dignity and I didn't yell at him, but in spite of myself, I did end up letting him know that it hurt me pretty badly. He even acted surprised that I was hurt by it. I ended contact with him at this time and he and I haven't spoken since. It has been six months now. It still bothers me from time to time though.

I agree that our exes are over us even before they dump us and before the relationship is over. That's why they are so easily able to do the "friends" thing as well. It takes much longer to get over the situation when you are the one who is left. That's why their move in situations seem so sudden to us I suppose. But I am with you Skell, it seems so soon, and it baffles me as well. You and she were together much, much longer than she has been with this guy. I wish I had more advice to give you Skell. I admire the way you have handled everything though.

During 7 years some people would have been married. This long time is not a certificate of your strong love, but perhaps proves you are not a perfect match. Experts said that a relationship which lasts more than 18 months and no marriage plans happen is a failure.
Since you have gone out of the nightmare, please don't mind either of you loves others quickly.

In all honesty I think its going to take me over a year before I return to normality! Its great that you have managed to move on with your life. I think its natural to cringe a little at any news you here of someone you were once so close to.

Before breakups a lot of people it seems know along time before that they are going to end the relationship therefore are more mentally prepared than the dumpee. Hence why it takes us a long time to move on, rejection, ego bash, shock and it's a general life changing experience, it has been for me, I am a changed person compared to the me at this time last year.

Hi Skell, good to hear from you, I was wondering how you were.

Yes I agree it seems far too soon to move in with another guy, I cannot believe it... it took me a year to recover emotionally and my ex who I just met up with last night for the first time since October still seems to be stuck and very unhappy.

The good news I guess you hearing this has really made you move on. At least that would be the effect that it would have on me.
What a coincidence getting in to the same cab ;-)

<<For me I could not even imagine moving in with a new girlfriend yet. And it would take a lot of getting to know her to even consider it.
>>

That's for sure, right now I'm happy alone and could not imagine living with someone or even being intimate with someone. I still have work to do to get to that point of moving on. I have not started dating yet although I've met a few nice guys that I'm getting to know as friends.

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Originally Posted by Skell

Im sure she was over me before it was even over between us. The her getting over me bit is obvious.

It was just when i thought about moving in with someone so quickly after meeting them it kind of made me cringe a little.

I think in ways it has made me change my opinion of her.

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Hi my dear Skell,

Some of lifes growing and learning days can be the most complex and confusing. Is it too soon? For most, yes most definitely. But as we say here so many times, a break up is somewhat like a death ( gosh that sounds awful) and afterwards is the mourning period. Just like when someone looses someone as in a passing, everyone reacts differently. Every mourns differently - Every one heals differently and everyone moves on differently.
At their own pace and own way.

Oh To say your ex was over you before the relationship ended, I can't go there with you.
Within each of you, forever, will be that special feeling for the other. Why would your ex be any different. She also needs to heal. Because she was the one that initiated the break doesn't mean that there are not things about the relationship that she misses and as well as things about you that she misses.

And no, I think your view of your Ex my have widened a little, but the base opinion that you have of her, probably will always remain.

Is it too soon? Probably yes. Do I have great hope that this is a healthy thing for her? No
Is it possible that all will be well with it, yes it is possible. This is just the next phase that your ex is going through and she may have changed a little or a lot in the past 12 months, just as you are not the same person you were 12 months ago.

As someone that just thinks the world of you - the news hurt my heart - like a dagger, but
After the shock wore off, I think this is something your ex most definitely needs to experience even though it is so hard to comprehend.

Although the news had to be a little shock, I am glad you know and I am glad you heard it from her.

Sometimes the things we hear today seem so unclear and only bring on more questions, but the amazing thing about that is one way or another things always do become much more clearer in the days or months to come.

**many hugs to you***

I think it's way to fast to move in with someone. I know I would be very hurt if my ex fiancé moved in with someone that fast. It's just a shame how some people can throw 7 years away like that. With me 5 years and we where engaged. But I know it's for the best at least in my situation. It's nice to here that their is light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish for me it was NOW!

I agree SAB123. It's a shame how people can throw things away at the drop of a dime. And there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope for you SAB123 it's just around the corner.

:)

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Originally Posted by Rockabilly1955mama

I agree SAB123. It's a shame how people can throw things away at the drop of a dime. And there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope for you SAB123 it's just around the corner.

:)

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Thank you and every one else here on this site.

You are very welcome Sab!

I am sorry for my presumption.
I believe you would find another part of your life soon:)

You skell you know, its sucks, but we all learn from our mistakes, right now, you just have't found someone you care for that's why her thoughts still hit you at times, once you find that someone, your comfortble around, she'll be history

Yes, times may be tough but you've got to pick yourself up and get back on your feet.

I'm glad to hear that Skell! And you're very welcome! Take care now!

I think your seeing this all wrong Skell. I do agree with you that this is to soon and way to fast for her to be moving, but if you flip the coin, she was also in a 7 year relationship. I might suggest that while she got tired or bored during the last year she felt like breaking up would cure that. So she left the relationship, then broke up with you. While you were dealing with the news that she had planned for she began doing all those things by herself that she had thought about doing in that last year of your relationship.

But this is what I think may have happened, the "fun and excitement" of being single suddenly became not so fun and exciting. In other words over the last 7 years she had accepted, become accustomed to, and enjoyed a lifestyle. Once the novelty of being single wore off, she was left alone and dare I say desperate. This other guy just happens to come along and they move in together realatively soon. I'm sorry but that reeks of desperation... on both of them to be honest.

I bet the ex didn't realize how good she had it with you until you were gone and now that she's faced with the realization of her decision she's trying to put some kind of happiness back into her life, like she used to have.

I think that if anything this whole situation should put a huge smile on your face, because these actions speak of somebody who is searching for what she used to have and no longer does. I think after a year, you have just learned that you were worth a lot more to her then she let on at the end, and quite honestly, more then she even realized when she had you in her life.

You can go to bed proud tonight knowing that time, energy, and love you put into that relationship was noticed and appreciated, even though it may have been to late on her end, she's feeling the loss now and trying to patch the void that you left. In the end after all that pain you suffered, you came out on top and stronger. You took the time and filled the void by yourself, and now she's suddenly faced with a void and she's got no idea how to fill it other then to try and go back to the way things used to be for her.

I think her trying to replace you should make you pretty damn proud because you and I both know you can't fill the void with more stupid decisions which she is making and you have worked through. Not that this was a game, but in the game of life, you just beat her, she is still coping with her loss and you worked through it and came out a better person.

Chuff mate,

You never cease to amaze me with your posts. Brilliant. You make so much sense.

You know I sort of thought about it like that. But not in the way you put it.

As I said, it did kind of make me feel good. For different reasons though. Mainly for the reason that it didn't hurt me like I thought it would. I thought to myself "yeah, well done skell, all that pain, loneliness, sadness etc was all worth it. Because now i am a strong person who doesnt get affected by decisions made by someone else"

It was definitely a massive step forward for me when I realise that I could handle learning such news. And the way you put it just makes me feel stronger.

I thought about it the way you did to some degree but then just decided that it is inconsequential to even worry about her motives now. They don't effect me so why bother. I just went back to thinking about No. 1 again.

But what you say just makes so much sense.

Cheers again!

WOW Chuff amazing &#172;! Seriously. Made me smile while I am sat here on my desk with no work to do on a Friday morning : (

Ive recently heard my ex is seeing someone new after 4 months of being apart. I hope what you wrote applies to my situation. She seems to go from relationship to relationship, 'reeks of desperation' as you said. She needs someone in her life to feel good about herself etc. Where us dumpees can move on and become stronger and more independent no longer affected by what people think of us or have done to us.

We gained everything and they lost everything...

Man did Chuff just zoom in and nail that one.

YES - seems to be trying to fill the void, the empty space, now there since the relationship is no more.

So darn true.

Yeah that does sound like what's going on,

I've seen female friends do this to escape being alone.

And then I guess in time they do fill that void but I wonder how healthy a way is that really? I am thinking not so much.

But I guess everyone deals with it differently. Ahhh life sure is not boring.

Special hugs to you Rol - missed you. I guess we haven't been here at the same time. Great to see you again.

Aww great to see you allherat:) missed u too,
I added an update on my thread just now also.

<, Ahhh life sure is not boring>.


Very true...

Hey Skell, my current gal and I have known each other for a little over 4 months. We have lived together for over a month now.

Sometimes you just know. She is the girl version of me. We don't like being apart. I am so attrached to her.

It's always different - every relationship is different. It's NEVER how you envision it. Ever.

Every day is so fresh between us. It's still very exciting.

A friend of mine got married after 3 months. They were living together after a month.

Now, we're both older than you.

But my current gal and I can spend endless amount of time together. Taken two trips already - a third on the way.

You just know.

I am a little worried that this still bothered you after 12 months. You and your ex just were not for each other. Be happy for her!

So she has been over you and you continue sad... I wonder what was said in the cab? DId you ask any questions? Ou deserve better than someone dumping you after so long. You will find the right one. I can imagine how hard it is... My ex told me it takes people a year to get over another... I will not let it take that long because I don't want her to think that she was that special... I want her to know that I got over her fairly quickly although not as quick as she. You should do the same... I always wonder how people can do that to another... I don't think I'd be able to.. If an ex came crawling back with such determination I'd be there for them and try for their sake unless things still go bad I'd make it very obvious of why it can't work until they realize it as well and we both agree to end it... Especially if we loved each other... But hey, you never know what's going to happen... Life is like a box of chocolates...

Normally I would think that 12 months would be sufficient time to get over one relationship and be ready to move on. Now if it were 12 weeks or 12 days, then I'd definitely say that there's a rebound going on here. However, that really isn't your problem ; it's between your ex and her new "significant other." You have no idea what she may have told him about what happened between you guys and you really don't need to worry about it. Let her do her thing. She may end up happy or she may end up getting burned. EIther way, it's not your problem so don't burden yourself with it.

She lost a good man Skell, a good person and Chuff's response was bang on the money. I can't even compete with that one.. LOL

Looking at it without any one sided opinion or biased opinion might I say, my true opinion is that she is seeking what she once had and is somewhat fed up with what she thought she gained having thrown away what she had.

This is where you have the upperhand, not necessarily on her, but with yourself. I don't need to tell you the reasons because in your heart, your mind, you already know them.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Hey Skell, my current gal and I have known each other for a little over 4 months. We have lived together for over a month now.

Sometimes you just know. She is the girl version of me. We don't like being apart. I am so attrached to her.

It's always different - every relationship is different. it's NEVER how you envision it. Ever.

Every day is so fresh between us. It's still very exciting.

A friend of mine got married after 3 months. they were living together after a month.

Now, we're both older than you.

But my current gal and I can spend endless amount of time together. Taken two trips already - a third on the way.

You just know.

I am a little worried that this still bothered you after 12 months. You and your ex just were not for each other. Be happy for her!

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So everything you have preached in the past about taking it slow doesn't apply now because you have a new girl and you are just meant to be?

Sorry Wildcat but it sounds to me as though you are being quite hypocritical. For a year now I have sat here and listened to you ridicule people for going too fast, moving in too soon, making your significant other your life etc etc.

But now all of a sudden you meet this amazing girl and that all goes out the window. You move in with her after 2 months and spend every day with her. What's that?? Talk about moving fast...

Sorry but I can't take anything you say now seriously.

In fact in my opinion it shows major flaws in AMHD that you are called an expert.

Sorry to say that because you helped me and so many others a lot in the beginning and I appreciate it a lot as I have expressed to you but reading this just made me disappointed.

How I missed this one is a sure sign that I need new glasses, or a new brain. Whew. As much as we may wonder the actions and motivations of another we can never really know what's up with them. I think all of us fill those unknown blanks according to how we feel, or with what makes us feel better. We still can never know, but we wonder anyway as that last little bit of grief and regrets drains from our system. The fact that you can wonder and not shed a tear, is a testament that you care, and curious, but not obsessed, which is a sign of good heath. I think she was already to embrace something to fill the void of the break up, but didn't have the many friends that you did, so how it turns out is still an open book. Wish her well as it couldn't be as easy as she makes it look. I daresay it was damn hard.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Normally I would think that 12 months would be sufficient time to get over one relationship and be ready to move on. Now if it were 12 weeks or 12 days, then I'd definitely say that there's a rebound going on here. However, that really isn't your problem ; it's between your ex and her new "significant other." You have no idea what she may have told him about what happened between you guys and you really don't need to worry about it. Let her do her thing. She may end up happy or she may end up getting burned. EIther way, it's not your problem so don't burden yourself with it.

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Im not worried at all. In fact I have moved on and have been seeing a girl for a little while now. Im certainly not ready to move in with her though. That was merely my question.

I think some people are reading way too much into the reasons I started this thread. Im over her. Im happy. It was simply a question relating to some thoughts a had.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How I missed this one is a sure sign that I need new glasses, or a new brain. whew. As much as we may wonder the actions and motivations of another we can never really know whats up with them. I think all of us fill those unknown blanks according to how we feel, or with what makes us feel better. We still can never know, but we wonder anyway as that last little bit of grief and regrets drains from our system. The fact that you can wonder and not shed a tear, is a testament that you care, and curious, but not obsessed, which is a sign of good heath. I think she was already to embrace something to fill the void of the break up, but didn't have the many friends that you did, so how it turns out is still an open book. Wish her well as it couldn't be as easy as she makes it look. I daresay it was damn hard.

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Thank you Tal.

Its good to say that a few of you actually understood my reasons for asking this question and posted accordingly.

Such wise words from a wise man who truly is an expert.

Hello,

I would just like to say that you have come a long way and it is so good that you have let things go and actually started to live your own life.

Now about running into your past so to speak, that is exactly what it is. I know there will always be a part of you with her, but you and everybody knows that, that is where it needs to stay.

Now even though you had a 7 year relationship. Every single person has a different opinion on what is good time to move on and what not. For you a year is too soon. For some others it is not. Do I personally feel like it is a good idea for a girl to move on so quickly, like moving in with somebody. Yes, it seems fast to us. Maybe for her it does not seem that way, maybe she found her match?

Either way, it does not really matter. It is not your issue or problem. She has a different path, life choices to make. As well as you do.

I was never put in your situation so I honestly do not know how I would react but I just know that once you separate it is up to each individual how fast or slow to move on.

Joe

Skell,

ITs great to hear you are doing better and seems that you are also over your ex. Its normal that you got numb when she told you that she has moved in with her boyfriend. You spent 7 years of your life with her. I do believe you are 99% over the situation. The reason why I say 99% is because we really don't completely get over these type of life experiences. We learn from them and then move on.

I don't think it should bother you that she moved in with someone so soon. The reason for that is because she is not worth your thoughts. I know its easier said than done, but don't think about it. Maybe a part of you wants to see her relationship fail (because you were hurt, I know I would secretely wish that upon my ex). Don't worry about her relationship failing because she will get hers. What goes around comes around. Good luck and God Bless...

Skell spent a big chapter of his life with this woman, at least 7 years. That is something he will never forget in his heart. I think it is true that you have moved on Skell and this is merely your perhaps curious caring side coming out. Just because you have moved on, it doesn't mean you can't feel concerned or even slightly curious. I know that it is not supposed to be anything for you to be concerned with but my point is that these thoughts you have are normal. Correct me if I am wrong anyone but I don't think this guy is taking any steps back from what I see.

HI Skell, One year is quick to move on and move in. 4 years ago I had a girlfriend for 4 years when I was 20 to 24 she broke up with me and within the week she was living with her new boyfriend. How do you think that felt.

Well amazingly 18 months later she called me and wanted to come back but I had moved on. Some girls just need to be with someone and I guess in her case this was what she needed. Its hard to understand and I tried for a longtime well 3 months till I met someone else and then I realised there insecurity is normally the reason and well maybe she will and I believe this in time she will realise it isn't that great but you will have moved on like myself...

Its so sad when someone needs someone else for their happiness. Its so unhealthy and unrealistic. You should be happy in yourself first.

Adding to that - My sister is in a really bad co-Dependant relationship. Not her necessarily but him. It has affected my family in a bad way and causes allot of stress + He has mucked her life up in a way. Not good!

Yep - love yourself first and that other person doesn't matter as much.

I'd totally hangout with me.

I'd so hang out with me... Just not this week... lol

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yep - love yourself first and that other person doesn't matter as much.

I'd totally hangout with me.

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Wildcat, In some way, you seem different, sound different. Not really good or bad, I don't really know, you just don't have the same Wildcat tone.

How is the book coming alomg if you don't mind me mentioning!

Too bad if you do eh, because I just mentioned it... LOL... Smiles from then U.K.