What does it mean when a guy who used to be my boyfriend for over a year and a half tells me that he does not know what he wants! He has been confusing me a lot recently! He ended our relationship but he keeps telling me that he is lost and he does not know what he wants! He would tell me he misses me a lot and he is the saddest without me and then when I talked to him yesterday on the phone, he would tell me but that does not mean I want to be together again! But the day before he says he would like us to get to know each other more as friends to see if he wants to be with me again! The problem was that when we met we didn't spend enough time to get to know each other so we were trying to have a relationship but we failed! I was hurt yesterday because he started to tell me that I should keep my distance and I should lower my love for him and I should try to be his friend and he will work on him trying to work out what he wants!

He ended the phone call in not a nice way! He said "ok so now I'll go back to my singlehood and you keep your distance.." but at the same time he was really upset and hurt when I told him before that we shouldn't hear from each other then! He does not want that either!

I still love him and I have feelings for him! How do I behave with a man who does not know what he wants? How can he realise for himself? He also tells me that I am a girl with good qualities and he knows that he will have a hard time find a girl like me but at the same time he does not want to be together now... Why? My mum tells me that because he still young (24) and I am 26 maybe he hasn't matured enough to know what he wants.. What should I do? I am hurting so badly! I want to talk to him.. I want to write him an email! He said to me the day before many things which made me believe he wants to take it slowly and try as friends first... he even said so we can grow together.. and now he is saying that he never said that it means will be together again! :(

I STRONGLY advise you completely back off and give him space and time.

I bet you are just too available for him. You are there WAY too much for him - you are not a challenge. You sound like you are WAY too needy-clingy - which is horrible in a relationship.

Sounds like you have made him your life - which is totally wrong - he is part of your life - not your whole life. You need a life - He is NOT your life - you need work, friends, family, hobbies, school, WORK OUTS, etc.

DO NOT CALL HIM! Ok? Do not.

You have heartache because you made him too much of your life. Until people learn this, they will always have heartache.

It's unbelievable... he sent me a text tonight asking me if I could sign on msn that he needs to ask me something? After some hesitation I did! He said that he was coming with his friends to my country and that he has nowhere to sleep on Thursday night so if he could come to stay with me! And we could spend the Friday together before he goes to spend the weekend with his friends.. I said that he can! He then said that he is wondering whether it's a good idea? I said why has he asked me first and then he is not sure? He said because of our last phone call, which was hard for him? He then said that he wants to take it easy and he does not want to think about us too much and whatever happens will happen.. He then asked me if I was excited that he was coming to see me? I said that yes I am happy and he said but I mean excited.. because he said that he is. He then asked me how I wanted to spend the time together? I said that it would nice to get to know each other as we said on msn before again and focus on that.. and that this is would be a great opportunity for us! I asked how does he want it to be and he said "let's be clear! I have to admit that I am very excited to see you and I am not sure we can resist each other". He then said "I am sorry to tell you that". He said that he wants me.. I asked him if he meant it when he said on the phone that he just wanted to have fun with me when he met me the first time.. he said at the beginning yes but of course after he wanted to be with me! He said to me but please take it easy! I said so do you still want to focus on me as a person? He said "oh please don't worry I am not coming to see you for "that"! So stop with your questions again"! He then said "I said I want you becuase it's true and not because I think you are easy..but after your questioning I should maybe avoid saying things like that! Sorry then I don't want you now". He then said "is it better like this now? otherwise it's the end of the world for you! I said to you yesterday I don't want to talk about us anymore". He said "it's such a trouble to say things to you! your questions do you think im easy? if you complicate things like this, keep me away from you! I can tell you and maybe you should prepare a separate bed for me on Thursday then! otherwise it'll be hard! I only said "OK" and he got upset and said "great so maybe I should sleep in a different room then? He then said "anyway, we are friends now so friends shouldn't sleep together! I am just used to telling you that I want you" I said "it's OK"it's ok"cool. Bye. See you". I said "cool. bye. see you" and he said "so i'll see you on Thursday?" I asked why? And he said "well, maybe" He then said "because if I will come I will have a hard time thinking should I do this or should I not? great time really". I said "i don't know. i will tell you tomorrow. don't take your day off on Friday becuase it's not worth it" He said "why are you saying it's not worth it?" but we haven't met yet and you are already negative!"because you didn't change! always the same bull with you and your questions instead of just enjoying the time together. you are a nice girl but you wonder too much and you question too much! it's deep inside you. i'll tell you tomorrow. maybe i may not come with my friends at all. i need to rest and with you and your quesitons it's impossible and partying with my friends isn't either. when I hear you it's too much complications. i prefer avoiding it! I said to him"yes but I can see on msn that it's too complicated for you to take things easy for you. He said remember that we are not together anymore and we won't be so take it easy with me! I'll let you know tomorrow." and he signed off..

I don't have words.. I don't get it! First he sends a text asking me if he could come to stay here and then he gets so annoyed because I asked a question? He asked me a question too no? I feel so bad now like I am really complicated! But he knows me so how could he expected me to change in a day? He said at first he is happy to see me but now he has changed his mind again? What am I doing wrong? I can't say anything to him without upsetting him? :(

.. last night I was crying! This morning when I got up I thought to myself I can't manage today! Today was the day he said he was coming to see me before he cancelled on me! I was really sad this morning before going to work... even one of my colleagues asked me if I was OK! I don't want people to know at work what am I going through but my colleague noticed I wasn't OK completely... so I guess I cannot completely hide it!

I just cannot understand what went so horribly wrong! I mean when I suggested that we should not be contacting each other for a while, he was really upset and hurt and made me promise not to change my email address and that we will meet again?! Then he was telling me that he really wants to get to know me more because I have good qualities and I am so much worth for him.. and he wanted to grow together?! And then suddenly he acts like he does not care anymore!! He basically made me feel now that he has made up his mind up about me that I am too complicated for him and that he wants to avoid that.. He is not on msn anymore and he stopped talking to me and now I am really worried and scared that he won't talk to me ever again? What do you think? Why has he disappeared suddenly? Why did he make me promise that we will meet each other and then when we had the opportunity he backed out of it? I am so hurt! This time more than ever! I feel like now he was strong enough to walk away and he won't look back! I am really hurt about one thing! I mean I believed him when we talked on msn.. he was the one telling me that he realised that we need to spend time together and concentrate on each other without being physicall and that I'm the girl he wants to do it with.. this was on Saturday! Have I done something really terribly wrong! I mean I started to cry on the phone on Sunday and he realised that I am not moving on.. OK I realise I shouldn't have shown him that I am still hoping and hurting.. but do you think it gave him the closure to make up his mind up about us? A friend of mine told me that it's my fault because I have been too clingy and needy with him and put a lot of pressure on him and that my constant questions and crying pushed away completely now! I feel so bad! I feel like I messed up now! Maybe now he really thinks that he doesn't want a girl who is so sensitive, emotional and needy! I guess I should have been stronger and be happy and indedependant and not ask him too many questions whether he misses me and where do we stand... I know that one of the reasons he ended it was because he couldn't stand when I started to talk about us and was asking him so many questions.. Have I really lost him?

I say give him some teeth! You just told us that he can tell you stuff like: "I've had it with you...you're annoying with those questions..." and so on... why don't you try it too? Don't feel down about it... attack is the best defense. Show him you can live your own life without him! If he starts screaming at you just tell him: "Keep your voice down or i'm leaving". And say it calmly and leave if he continues.

Stand up for yourself, girl!

Why do you allow him to give you all that crap? He changes his mind more often then socks! I'm talking to you like a martial arts student now: "Attack is the best defense!". If you feel bad about him giving you a hard time, just stand up for yourself, scream at him, tell him to make up his mind, that you're sick of him treating you like crap! DON'T ALLOW THIS TO GO ON!!

Good luck, sister... let us know what happens!

Btw, Wildcat said it right - you made him your whole life... you should not do that... I've been there, done that, been hurt, and will never allow it to happen again.

You seem to be asking yourself; what are you doing wrong - constantly. Why are you doing this? You act in the way your personality dictates. It appears to me that you are right in voicing your concerns and questions towards him, after all, if he were to answer your questions you would not be in the situation where you felt yourself in need of answers.
You are regretting the way you have acted, you seem to be asking yourself whether you could have acted differently to avoid upsetting this guy - WHY?
Don't change yourself for this guy, clearly he wants you there when it's convenient for him, but he doesn't want any ties and then he has the cheek to make you feel like it's your fault that he can't have a proper relationship with you - tell me this, do you really want a relationship with this guy??
What do you like about him?
Surely you can get someone far more decent who actually respects you!!
Remember you are your own person - you shouldn't have to change for anyone, he would be lucky to be with you and if he is not sure right now then get on with your life and allow yourself to meet someone worthy of your affection!

Hmmmm... sounds like this fella was playing the field, no?

It's the only explanation I could offer, that he found someone else.

It's funny how a simple emotion such as love can dominate one's life. It's like drugs: how in the world can a few grams of white powder completely control 200 pound men? Love destroys everything we've learned up to this point, like our life lessons experienced over years of trial and error mean absolutely nothing.

You're young with decades ahead of you. Forget this creep. Move on. I've said this before and I'll say it again: you'll wind up marrying somebody else.

I had to come here to vent! I feel quite low today! I am still feeling hurt and I am still having so many questions in my head.. I haven't heard from him and I am beginning to worry what is going on! I think what makes me the saddest that now we are not talking because last time we spoke I became emotional and I cried and he became upset at me... and then he even decided not to come to see me because he said that it's not a good idea to meet so soon that he does not feel very comfortable! I haven't said anything since and he hasn't either... I wonder what is going on? The way it was left was not exactly nice so now I really don't know what to expect? I blocked him on msn again and I know that he was signed on last night but now I won't unblock him again... but he does not talk to me now.. I spoke to his good friend on msn the other day and appareantly she asked him about me and this is what he answered "I miss her a lot sometimes but it's better like this". So I guess all the things he said that he does not want to close the door behind us completely and that we might be together again were lies? It sounds like he has made his mind completely about me! I am also very scared now that she will tell him that I blocked him on msn because I told her but she promised she won't say anything to him! I hope she will not! I wish I could just talk to him in a light, breezy way but every time I talk to him it's hard not to talk about us! I guess this has pushed him away from me for good! I should have been more careful and I should have worked on building the friendship with him as he suggested... but now is it too late you think? I worry that he won't talk to me again because he is scared to say the wrong thing just in case I start to cry ( as he said ) and he says he wants to avoid complications.. I think I lost him completely!

Do you think that he has finally moved on now without me? I feel that he now he thinks I am really insecure, needy and clingy because I cried last time we spoke on the phone and he got upset.. He said he does not feel comfortable with me now? Do you think he won't talk to me again? He is not on msn anymore! I feel that now he does not miss me anymore! It's like he just thought OK that's it now I know why I broke up with her and I was rigth with my decision and I am happy now to be without her... I regret I broke the no contact with him! It was a stupid mistake really! Now he has taken the power back by cancelling on me.. and by not wanting to talk to me! I was stupid that I didn't take more time before talking to him again! Do you think there is a chance that he might still miss me if I don't talk to him? But now he does not even try to talk to me or initiate contact with me! :(

Dear sweet soul,
I can't tell you how amany young women have been in your shoes, hell, I was one of them, well, I was about 10 yr. younger than you. What happened to me though was over a course of 5.5 years with the same guy, then I waited 2 years, then went to another dog... thank god that with situations comes growth, because I saw his game head on and cut the relationship off immediately... hell, he and I hadn't even bumped uglies! Anyway, let me give you a piece of advice that is fool proof. Ready?. here goes... and I hope you are paying attention... LET HIM GO! BECOME ABSENT TO HIM AND HIS NEEDS! He is treating you the way you are allowing him to treat you; i.e a doormat for a man who doesn't know what the heck he wants! Bull! Honey, this may hurt, but he has moved on... so should you. And I'm not saying be a slut and bed down as many willing aprticipants as you can, but you got to let go... completly! Trust me, a man realises when he has lost a good girl, cause they come back... he'll be back, but you got to back up off him... let him miss you, irreguardless to how many times you want to hear from him, hell, let him call you, but don't call him, okay? Trust me, a man can't take it if a woman becomes unavailable to him. Grant his wish, why don't you? Trust me, hell be back, and if not, his loss right?

Thank you so much for all your replies! I really appreciate it! It's been extremely hard actually... I feel so strange and sad because he stopped talking to me! Why was he telling me that he would like us to focus on me as a person, that I am a girl with good qualities and that I am so much worth it and that he would like to take things slowly and spend more time to get to know each other because we made that mistake when we started seeing each other... he said that if he wanted to be with me again that he needed to do that and we both agreed that a good relationship needs a good foundation and good freindship! I do understand that I spoilt it last time because I started to cry and I had all these questions about "us" and that pushed him away because he said he needed to work on what he wants and to be sure... he wanted us to be good friends at first and take things slowly so we can grow together (so he said) and now he does not even talk to me anymore. He does not communicate with me. A friend of mine told me that he is probably feeling uncomfortable not knowing how to communicate with me because he thinks that I get upset and cry easily and he wants to avoid that... she said that he does not want to hurt me... so he stopped talking to me! And that's why I feel like it was my fault last time because I didn't give us a chance as two friends who can grow together! But the problem is that I love him and I have feelings for him and I spent 1 year and 3 months with him in a relationship so I find it quite hard to switch to be his friend and not to ask him anything about us.. I guess that's the hardest thing for me! I don't think he will talk to me again! Because he is worried! I guess my love for him was true and deep! He told me last time that we can't talk to each other if we are not on the same level.. I am trying hard to be on the same level but I am finding it still hard! I was still crying this morning missing him even though I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks! You all are telling me to move on and not to contact him! I think it's the best for me but I still don't understand why is my friend telling me who also knows him very well that I could send him an email that maybe he is waiting for that? I get so confused sometimes! You know I am having such a hard time with this because I truly loved this guy with all my heart! I gave this relationship everything! The maximum! But I also know that he couldn't handle the distance very well.. half of the relationship we were apart but trying to visit each other... it was hard for him mainly! I read a letter yesterday that I found by chance from him he sent me for our one year anniversary and it was so wonderful.. I had tears in my eyes! He said he loves me a lot and so on... I still cannot believe that we are now not even talking to each other :(

It is not often spoken, but it has to be said... "Men marry women they respect", I know Marriage is not your focus, yet an ultimate goal. If you decide to become physical with a guy without first allowing him time to respect you as a woman, as a person, you have invited him to a world of active imagination. Women, too often, feel that by becoming physical with a guy, meeting him at his point of need, will help illustrate care, love, and so on... when in fact, the guy is saying, "If she did it with me, what kind of Woman is she". They want the physcial, but they must work for it, in order to appreciate you. However, modern woman have ascribed to the concept, "there is something in it for me, too"... I agree with conditions, If you decide that the physical meets you at your point of need... look no further, because he is not. If you want more, wait. Wait until his disposition clearly signifies that he respects your total worth, which means that when he speaks to you, he will identify in details the things he appreciates about you, to merely say that you are a quality woman, and worth it. What has he said, "exactly what qualities in you, does he place the value of "worth". Generalizations are offered by someone whom is distant, details and specifics are offered by someone whom is close. You know that for yourself. However, I will offer this piece of advice...if you love him, desirous to wait on him...be silent towards him and allow him the space, which may involve him becoming objective...meaning, sometimes it takes another person to fill his time, in order for him to awake into the knowledge of his true disposition towards you. We are a culture that needs to cross-compare, however, the presence of another is not needed in order for him to come to such a conclusion, the mere absence and silence of you, that includes queries via associations, speak nothing of him, to yourself, to your friends/to his friends...say nothing, instead redirect this precious energy you have so graciously bestowed upon him, onto a more valued commodity...YOU....Life comes but once and I KNOW you have dreams and aspirations....maximize this time...realize your potential because if the truth be told...You are afraid of what lies inside of you...why do I say this, "you are so concerned about what he says about you, what he thinks about you... that you are being overshadowed about what YOU THINK ABOUT YOU... others will limit your potential... what I want to know... WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOU... WHO ARE YOU... meaning what in life would you like to achieve, are you the next celebrated author, dancer, doctor, teacher, social worker... let me celebrate you... give energy to becoming the best that you can be, and when the set time comes... you will know your worth, you won't be lost in unanswered questions by another because they will not nearly be as important to you... Discover you, introduce yourself to you... love yourself, respect yourself... and KNOW assurdely that when you love you, and when you respect you... others will have no choice but to do the same... why... we teach people how to treat us... if you do not know how to love and respect yourself... another will not know how either. Moreover, this pattern of yours will repeat until you realize that he can not complete you, you are already complete. When you truly understand that, Your focus will not rest in "Do you miss me, what about us"... You will know the status report of your relationship because your ears will be keen upon hearing his request and you will adhere, likewise, he shall do the same. Both of you will lean into the curve together keeping the relationship balanced. Your best relationship will emerge when you first love to embrace the uniqueness of your singlehood

I'm sorry but everyone else is footing around it but I'll be the blunt one. Please read back on the things you have written and ask yourself do you even like this girl you've become? I guarantee you don't. You are completely doing this to yourself, nobody can hurt you this much unless you let them, make up your mind and move on.

This boy doesn't know what he wants and can't make up his mind so you make it up for him. Next time he calls or asks to stay in your house(the cheek by the way!! ) Say sorry to busy to talk. I promise this will give you your self-respect back and make you feel a whole lot better at least for a while. People will always treat you like crap if you let them. Pull yourself together, no offence but at your age you should know better!

Here I am again... Thanks for your replies!

I have been trying to move on... I have been going out a lot with my friends... but I found myself missing him yesterday a lot! The thing is he has not been on chat messenger for the past 4 days, which is very unusual for him so either he has blocked me too or he has met someone else and is busy with his new girl? He has not tried to contact me at all!

There have been guys interested in me but I am not interested in any of them back! I miss him so much! Has he forgotten about me? :(

You better hope he did forget. You should forget too. I know it's hard - but right now, it's the only right thing to do. Do not contact him, and just stay away from him all together. I know I made a mistake with one of my girls, that I hunted them for weeks after they decided it's done. I now know I should have just asked if they are 100% sure they want to break up, and when she said yes, I should have just get the hell out of there. Don't be hurt like I was... just go on.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhh !! My brain is beginning to melt. Just move on. If some guys are interested in you, date 'em... all of them! You say you're not interested, but how do you know one of those fellas might not be your next big crush unless you GO OUT WITH THEM. What... are you Carnac the Great? You can actually predict these shmucks are worthless and will result in a useless waste of date? Go out and have fun. Just tell them you're not ready for something serious.

Wouldn't it be next level if one of the guys is a member of this forum and dials in a post about YOU not returning phone calls after an incredible first date? Hahahahaha.

You wouldn't believe what happened today :o

I'ts strange because just before I said that it was strange he hasn't been on msn for a while... anyway, just after I suddenly received an invitation to join chat but the email address was under my friend's name. This friend of mine is a guy with whom I have been hanging out a lot but it's clear that there would be nothing between us happening. Anyway, I accepted his invitation and he started to chat to me.. he asked me about my work and my weekend and I asked about his.. I said that I went out with my friends last night and it was fun. Then I asked him how is his revision for exams going and suddenly he said that he should reveal something. He said I am not xxx, I am xxx! I felt heat coming to my face and my heart beating so fast! It was HIM, my ex-boyfriend!

He started to be quite nasty to me telling me "so you blocked me on msn, I am VERY disappointed with you." I said I did it because last time we talked he said he didn't feel very comfortable and he said to me to shut up! I was so shocked... anyway, he then said that he can't believe I blocked him and he said "so my trick worked... you would rather talk to xxx you fool" and then he said "so you are having fun". I said to him that he sounds angry and he replied "I have ing reasons to be upset. You want to stay in contact with me and then you block me!!" I said to him "I am disappointed because you chose not to come to see me at the end when you spent the weekend in London" and he said "don't talk to me! how do you know I was in London in the end" and I said to him because I could see he was offline! I said to him "you were the one who broke up and chose this so I blocked you because I wanted to protect myself and also I knew if I was on msn.. I would always want to talk to you" and he said to me "don't worry you don't have to protect yourself again because I will block you too like you did it to me!"

He also said to me to off.. I was getting really upset with this.. anyway, he then said "you block me on msn so you can then spy on me!" I said that I am not spying on him but I had to it as I said because last time he told me he didn't feel comfortable" and then he said "so you have to block me" (sarcastically). He said "I don't want to be using this false address so bye". I felt so guilty that I unblocked him and I asked him why has he done this and he said "oh you are back.. amazing! He said I haven't talked to you for so long! How are you?" I thought he was genuinly asking me how I was.. I said that I have been working a lot and he said "bad luck" He said that his work is ok! He then said "I should have played my game longer and I shouldn't have revealed so soon that it wasn't me! Maybe I could have found out more about what have you been up to" I said to him that there is not a lot to find out and he said "I am sure there is... " Then he said "I am so offended you did this to me" he said "I want to forget you and I want to block you too" and I said ok and then I couldn't stand this anymore and said to him "if you want to block me OK do it because I don't care anymore! You are not understanding of my feelings at all and you only care about yourself! You are a nasty piece of work! I don't deserve to be treated like this! I don't want to have anything to do with you! Bye".

I felt so upset and so angry this time. I feel bad about what I have said to him because he emailed me immediately afterwards and said to me

Did you really mean all you said at the end on msn? That you don't care anymore at
All about me and I am a nasty piece of work and so on??
I would like you to answer to be completely clear with each other.

I haven't replied because I have too many things to say to him that I am upset about and I feel extremely betrayed by what he had done.. he signed on with a false address and blamed me the whole time.. I feel so upset but I don't think I want to reply to him!

What does he want?? We are broken up since March and we haven't talked for 3 weeks and I thought he had forgotten about me and now I feel like he is still not letting it go, like he is jelous and upset that I don't talk to him.. what do you think? Have I done the right thing? Maybe I shouldn't have said to him that he is a nasty piece of work! Maybe that was too much but he has offended me so much today!:(

Go on and mail him. Keep the contact for as long as you can, because you'll suffer the most that way. As a matter of fact, open up your whole heart to him. He will LOVE you for that! Do not try to feel good... your only concern is that he feels good. Obey his every wish. Enjoy his every insult and memorize every detail about it, because you love it so much. Worship every message he sends you, because he sure as hell deserves it. Do not go to sleep before he agrees to insult the living crap out of you.
:confused:
Either that, or listen to everybody here saying to get the hell away from him.

Get this guy out of your head now!!

He has been trying to call me just now three times.. I didn't answer because I am scared what he wants and I am sure if I did answer he would be nasty to me! He sent a text message to me saying this:

You don't answer the phone? I guess you decided it's the real end now then? Call me back now if you want still to talk to me or I take it as you want to forget me forever.

What?? I don't understand this at all now! What does he mean? He has not ended it then or what? I don't know what to say. :(

It's 1 am here in Europe and I have to get up in 5 and a half hours.. initially I planned to go to bed early today but still now he is trying to call me. It's the 10th or 12th time he is trying to call... I can't get it.. and then he sents a message:

Ok I understand the message. I won't bother you anymore. Shame we can't at least talk about it after everything. Shame I lost you completely. I didn't want to make you suffer sorry! I know I am a bad person so I'll disappear from your life. Hope you'll forgive me. Please give me the chance to talk to you for the last time x.

and then he continues calling again

I am so scared and nervous.. he is not talking to me for 3 weeks and then this..? :(

Move to Iran, where the women are submissive and are slaves to MAN.

You'll fit right in.

On second thought, stay where you are and be your own person... if you're WOMAN ENOUGH.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by toonking

Move to Iran, where the women are submissive and are slaves to MAN.

You'll fit right in.

On second thought, stay where you are and be your own person... if you're WOMAN ENOUGH.

---

Exactly.

DECIDE what you want to do. If you want to listen to us and not contact him, why not turn of the cell phone? Or unplug the phone line, so the phone doesn't ring? I'll write you a HOW-TO for unplugging the phone line if you don't know how.

He seems like a total . Playing some kind of y woman games. es around as if you hurt him bad, then goes on and screams at you when you try to talk. I would never stand a girl that would try to behave that way with me.

I'll say again - DECIDE what you want. Be his slave and worship him to the end of your life, and forget about YOURSELF, or (to use toonking's words) "stay where you are and be your own person... if you're WOMAN ENOUGH".

I need some help on this please

My ex has been contacting all this time since the break up but recently more often than before... I ddin't answer his phone calls and he was so crazy he was calling me 2 days non stop...

Anyway, I answered his phone call finally after he sent me a long long email explaining that he is sorry and that he is hurting and can't sleep and can't concentrate on his work and tha the has realised how much he had hurt me before... anyway, he said he realised things and so on.

So I answered but I was very cold with him. He was so happy but he asked me how could I do this to him. I said to him if he wants to blame, I will not talk to him. He said he was sorry. He asked me if he could call me in the evening. So he did and we had a nice conversation and then he said to me that he thinks that we should take things slowly and we shouldn't put pressure on each other. We kept emailing each other and he explained himself that he thinks that if we just jump straight back into the relationship that it would be wrong and he does not want to hurt me again... He said that we should take our time.. we shouldn't rush into anything. I agreed with him but I also told him that I do not want to feel unimportant and taken for granted.

Anyway, in his last email he sent he said this

As I said in my previous email and I'm happy you have the same opinion on it, I don't want to rush with us in order to avoid problems later. We went through too many problems and I really don't want to have to live that again. I think for you it's the same. I like you a lot but at the same time I spent with you not very great moments and I'd like to forget these moments. WHat I mean with going slowly, is to keep the door open to give us the chance to be together again and see if both we feel like it again. The things between us should come by themselves without any pressure on us. If we feel good together and want to get closer to each other we will do it but if we don't feel it, we won't do it. It must come from both of us because we feel good together. Going slowly is going step by step to see how we feel and each time seeing if we want to go further. It works for both of us. If it's too quick for one of us, we slow down. We need to know if it can work between us because too many times we had to fight and now none of us want to do that again: too much pain has already affected us. If it's to live again the arguments we had together I think it's not worthy , but if it's to live our good moments we could have together , it is worthy and in this case I can tell u, I'd be sure I want to be with you and I won't have any other hesitations with u. But too many times we had to face doubts. I want to start from scratch with you again because I'm not confident in us. I didn't say you're not worthy (that's why I'm striving to find solutions)
But I don't feel sure after what we had to face together. Going slowly then means that we should give us the time to be sure about us without any pressure. And if we can't be sure and see it doesn't work, at least we tried because we both thought it's worthy. Sometimes people try for what they want even if at the end they realise it doesn't work because it's not exactly what they want or just because they can't succeed.

About your second point, I never said I want to see you sometimes to have fun and that's it. I know u're not this kind of girl who can accept that and as I respect u, I don't want to do that to u. If we finally decide to be together again, I will not be unfaithful to you and have fun when u're not here. It's a matter of respect! If we decide to be together, we should be enough for each other and we shouldn't need to see somewhere else. But that's a big problem I think for us that I'm mentionning here. I 'm quite worried about the distance. When we were still together, I didn't see you enough times, I wasn't satisfied by the fact that we only met once every month or 2months. That's also a reason why I wanted to see something else because I physically needed it. I don't know how we could manage to see more if we decide to be together and I'm quite worried about that. Because spending evenings on the phone or on msn don't satisfy me and I think you neither. I need real contacts and this is a problem for me.

Anyway he emailed me yesterday at work.. asking me about my weekend. He found a flight for me and suggested if I wanted to go and see him in August in Paris! I haven't made a final decision yet but I was going to ask him if I do go to him, what's his compromise? Do you think I should? Or what should I say? I don't want him to think it was so easy for him to ask me and I would go.. but I want to of course but I want to see some efforts on his side...

We had a conversation on msn last night about me going to see him... the thing is I feel that after he was the one who ended things he should be coming to see me.. but he argues that Paris is much more beautiful city especially in the summer than my town where I live in UK. In a way it's true but I just kind of feel worried that if I go to see him, he will just do anything he wants with me after...

He said to me that I shouldn't consider his invitation as an effort. He then said that it seems like a burden for me to go and see him. He said "you should be happy to see me and you shouldn't see it as an effort. You can come to Paris to see me, to enjoy the city and you see it as an effort. You are funny. I can tell you that many people would like to be in your place, You have a perfect guide, a place to stay and you can see me and you consider this as an effort?!!"

He said that he knows my town too well which is not my case of not knowing Paris. I said to him that I am not worried about money or making an effort but the fact that he has ended it and now I am going to see him makes me hesitate. He said "so now I need to give a compensation or what? because I stopped?"

I said to him that I just wanted to feel at least if I do go to you that you would tell me that I don't have to worry about going to stay with you and that you will make me feel special there. And he responded that Iam going too fast again (not really sure why he said that?) He said that's not starting from scratch how we agreed! He then said "i m not going to put under pressure and ask to pay my journey someone with whom i start with something! He then added that he would like to meet to see and to feel that we can try together again. But now I have the impression that you think we already are!" I said to him that he should realise that I am the one going there and that he doesn't seem to appreciate it enough. He said that he does but he doesn't want to come to my place because he was the one who came last time... and he said "I didn't ask you to pay for my journey did I!?" He then said "if at least I was sure about us and I felt that we are good together without fighting and arguing I wouldn't mind but it's not the case. each time i m afraid of talking to you, of your reaction, of what you expect, of what u say. For me I am still not with you and I don't feel we are ready for it when I talk to you. We always have disagreements. Once you make a step you want to make a step further. I am a normal guy and I just want to spend some time together so please stop complicating the things. I can see there is still tenstion between us..and he then went to bed. I said to him that I feel that he never makes any compromises and he responded "it's too often we disagree like that so how can I compromise with you? Accepting to go to a city Iam not interested in and face the risk that we will fight? At the end of the weekend it costs even more for me than for you if you come to Paris so I am good guy, don't you think? See you later"

I haven't heard from him today all day.. Guys was I wrong? Maybe I should have just appreciated that he has invited me over... but I guess I was a bit worried that he might think that I will go to him each time.. My friend told me that maybe I should have just appreciated that he would like to see me.. Not sure what do you think about it all? He is French so the conversation may be a bit too direct but I am not sure what to think about it now... What to expect and should I think that I was wrong? Please what would you do in my situation? Thanks!

So sorry about the length.. but it's been so long since I posted here and a lot of things have been happening since but I tried to highlight what's going on now...

I don't know - he sounds kind of wishy-washy - like he wants his cake and eat it too.

HE should come to you. IF he really was that into you HE would come to you.

Sounds like he is trying to manipulate and control.

Rush into what - you alreay HAVE a ton of time invested.

HE IS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU. I's just move on. That was kind of a long freakt e-mail.

I'd never erite something like that.

I agree... he's so much into the "you come to me" thing... it's just fishy. It obviously doesn't sound right to you, and you are not 100% sure you want to do it... why not just say you don't feel like going there? Act independent. Tell him you don't like the idea, at least not NOW.

"If it doesn't feel right - don't do it!"

The "Paris is so much nicer..." thing is just bull. If he is so sorry that he hurt you, and if he misses you so much, and if you are willing to meet him, he'd come to you right away and would not try to play games and get you into coming to him. That just sounds wrong.

Yes I agree - he needs to come to you! You've waited and that e-mail was a little creepy - very moody - his emotions are up and down in that.

I have to commend you on being a responsible couple,who dated on a level with out any parameters,now your only concerns are yourselves,no children to experence ,the gut wrenching dramaof separation.your own life is repairable my advice is don't wait to long get over him and move on your happiness is within your own making, :)

Back off and maintain yourself respect. There is someone out there who will recognize and appreciate all of your fine qualities. It just takes time and patience.

You just need to let him figure out what the hell he wants. If he really wants to be with you he will go back to you and if he doesn't then by that time mabey you will be with someone else and then he will figure out what he had lost. Just don't wait for him. Go on with your life you are still young. I know that it is hard trust me I have been with mine for 7 years and I'm only 22 years old so just let hime be!