I have been with my boyfriend (will x now, still hard to get use to) for four years and he has always had an issue with commitment... not just with relationships but with anything involving permanence or planning. We have always worked through it and our relationship has always been very affectionate and caring. So here I was about a year ago, wanting to take our relationship to the next level and brought up the M word. He was extremely freaked out at first but slowly had warmed up to the idea (so I thought). We went to Hawaii a few weeks back and he proposed while we were over there. We came back and set a date and started planning... well he has always told me I have the "Monica Gene" because I am a planner... and it frustrates him. So I find out two days ago that ever since we have come back from Hawaii that he has been completely freaking out and all the stress feels like a tornado pushing him in a direction he doesn't want to go. I asked him if it was our relationship or the concept of marriage that bothered him and he said it was marriage, but that if he can't give me 100% of him than I deserve better. So needless to say he told me he just can't go through with it and called it off. I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now... he said he is going to see a counselor, but I don't know if I should hold out hope that he can get over this fear of commitment issue he has or do I have no choice but to move on. My heart wants to stick it out in hopes that we can salvage our relationship... not only because I do love him but because we have so much in common, we get along and have the same goals and ambitions in life. But is my heart just holding on to something that there is no reconciliation?? I have been researching on my own commitment phobia - and boy does the description match him to a T and it says that with acknowledgement of their problem and seeking counseling that there is a chance they may get over it... but I just don't know what to do. Right now it has been two days since he broke it off and we have not spoken since... he has said he needs to be alone so that is what I am allowing him to do, even though it is killing me to be left in limbo with my emotions on my sleeve. Please HELP!!

P.S. It is taking every ounce of self control (that I tend to lack in these situations) to not call or write him.

Was this a break up or just a call off the wedding?

It sounds as if he loves you very much. The most important thing you should do right now is have tons of patience and let him be for awhile with is thoughts and emotions. If he said he's going to counseling, he's already on the road to trying to fix the lack of commitment. He would only be doing that for you, so that he can work it out within himself to be with YOU. So give him time (which is what kills) and be patient. It happens to a lot of guys, but he is better than most because he is willing to get help for it so he doesn't lose you. That's very good!

Well he ended the relationship, not just the engagement. That is a huge part of why I am so confused because I don't know if he broke up for clarity on his part or he is absolutely through with me.

I think he broke up for clarity. And since the relationship has been for 4 years, I highly doubt that he's throwing it all away. After 4 years it's never over that fast. People don't stop loving each other that fast. Again, it's all about time and patience.

He broke off the relationship - we are officially broken up. Which is a huge part of why I am so confused... I would think if he wanted to reconcile he would have sought counseling while remaining together... but he says he needs to be alone and he doesn't know why but it doesn't feel right. I am glad he is seeking counseling, but I just am so confused as to how he could jeopardize our relationship like this if he did actually want to reconcile later on. I don't know how I can trust him after this, and I don't know if he will even want to get back together... I don't think he knows at this point... and if he doesn't know, am I allowing myself to just get hurt more by holding on. I will try and be patient, but it is at the expense of my own vulernability and I am already so hurt, I just don't know what I'll do if we cannot work through this.

I have been married for 1 year, physically separated for 2 months. I am in the same situtation, but we are already married. It hurt soooo much in the beginning of the separation, and then a little time went on and I realized how much I love him and how much he loves me. So I've decided to be patient and wait so that my husband is not so confused. The best thing that I could do for him is give him time and space. Now, how much time, that depends on you. Some people can give a year, some people can give a week. You won't know until you feel it. So there is a trust issue, feeling like he bailed on you. And you don't know if he will want to get back together, but it is too soon to make the assumption. What I figured out with my husband, I feel so bad that he is confused about anything with our relationship. I am more than clear of what I want. But you have to see it from his perspective also, he is in a lot of pain too. As odd as it sounds, you guys need each other more than ever. Even as best friends. You just have to keep praying that he leans on you to get out of his confusion.

So in everyone's opinion... would it be a horrible mistake to contact him at all? I just am having a hard time not knowing what he is thinking or which way he is leaning right now. I would like to know, but not sure if contacting him is the best thing... how long is "normal," under these circumstances, for him to go without contacting me? I just hate feeling helpless and having no control as well as no knowledge of where he stands right now.

Unless he's made it very clear he doesn't want to have any contact with you, I would say it's fine to call him. Just understand that you may not get the answers or reassurance that you are looking for just yet. He's also searching for them. There is no normal though. Every relatinship is different, your timing in your relationship would not be my timing. To tell you the truth if it was anyone else, I would have said goodbye to my husband, tell him he's taking too long to figure things out. But you never know what you are capable of doing until you realize how much you love someone. Then the normal rules don't even apply. Call him, let him know that you are there for him. Just because he chose to break it off doesn't mean that you are not there for him and going through pain. He might need to really hear from you, and hear that you still love him even though he made this drastic decision. If he needs time to be alone, he'll tell you. Then you have to respect it.

Do not call under any circumstances. If he wants you back he will call. If he doesn't he won't call. Its been 4 years he will call at some stage that is for sure. AGive it two weeks. Let us know if he calls.

I agree with McKenzie: do not call nor contact him.
Not at all.

He broke off the relationship.
Because he knows that at some point the M word will come back again.
That's why he is seeking counseling which is a very wise thing to do so.
He is working on himself.

It's incredibly hard for you and I can only imagine how rough this must be at the moment. But you can always write here when things are getting too much... n

Just don't call him.
Don't write him.
Somebody with commitment issues will only pull away even faster.
He needs time and space.

I wish you all the patience that you will need in this case.

Good luck !

I am just really having a hard time with this - my stomach is in knots, I almost like I am in a constant state of a panic attack. I know that it is the majority saying don't contact himm, but why do I feel so compelled to tell him how I am feeling and want to know how he is feeling.

OF COURSE you are feeling like that...
It's not even a necessary question dear helpnow... you are sick to the stomach of this situation.

Having said that... you have to wait and be patient for a while.
This is going to take time.
And who knows if it will turn out well...
He may come back or he may not.
You just don't know.

But in the meantime... don't contact him.
Seek distraction, go to the gym, do anything that will force you to focus on something else... and it's hard, I totally understand it.

But please be strong...


All my best,

I am trying, but I don't know how long I can hold out... :S

Keep this in mind: by contacting him you will likely push him away.
The man has COMMITMENT FEAR...

So... if you want any chance to let him deal with his issue... give him time and space.

If you want him to run away even further and harder away from you... contact him.


Tell yourself that every time you are tempted to pick up the phone or write a letter or send an email...


I feel so sorry for you, but it's not going to be easy!


All the best and take good care,

This is his problem not yours so let him deal with it. If he hasn't contacted you in a week or two, then call. For now be patient.

Well he emailed me and this is what he said...

I am going to see a couselor near Alderwood mall that deals only with couples/relationships on Monday. I want to see if what I'm feeling is normal or a warning sign. Since they have seen every type of relationship out there I feel that going there will give me a much broader perspective than what I currently have now. I feel like was flying blind and was overwhelmed because of it, getting clarity on my feelings will help me make a better decision of what I want to do moving forward. Getting counseling for the both of us I think is good, even couples counseling might be an option, I think getting through some of the issues will be good for the both of us. As of now, I'd say I'm taking a break from the relationship only to get clarity and nothing else. I'm not taking a break to party and go crazy, just to gain perspective on the feelings that I'm going through right now. I haven't told anyone about this other than my immediate family and don't plan on telling anyone either. This is something that I feel I need to do before I make any decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

Sounds like he is trying to deal with his issues. I hope he is successful. The issue becomes, how you feel given these events.

I got a call from my x fiance's mom yesterday and it was nice to hear from her. She doesn't really know or completely understand what he is going through so couldn't really give me any clarity but just wanted to let me know she was there for me. I also went to see a therapist on Saturday and that I think will be good to have an unbiased outside opinion on the situation.

I am just having a lot of difficulty because one minute I am crying and desperately want him to call and the next I am so pissed off that I wonder why I even hold out hope. He hasn't given me any inclination as to where his emotions are now or which way he is leaning. All our communication up to this point has been short emails where both of us left emotion out of it. I am wondering if it is time for me to call him - if so what should I say?

Give him space to deal with his demons. And deal with your feelings, through your therapist.

He emailed you, which is great. Let him keep updating you. Don't beg or smother him. He needs to be alone. If he wants you, he knows you are waiting. Just hold on and be patient for him.

Yes let him work on his issues, for this he will need to be alone,
I think its fantastic he is getting help and trying to understand himself.

As hard as it is I would keep this to yourself as you do not want anyone gossiping about your business.Perhaps find one good friend you an confide and trust.

Now you need to focus on you . Keep strong and do not become a miserable wreck or that may reinforce in him his fear of marriage.

First up sorry to see your situation that is really tough.
I'll take another point of view on this though to perhaps consider.
OK he's broken it off with you... now what... well.. maybe this is a blessing in disguise, you get to be single and live the single life and not have any headaches/arguments/problems with a guy in your life, maybe go out and try to enjoy yourself, meet more guys, get to know them as friends nothing more for a few months, build up a new social circle and try to enjoy your life you only get one you know, why spend it pining over someone who has just completely betrayed you?

Anyway that's my raving looney perspective for you :P

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

Lets all be a little honest and stop trying to bring this poor woman's hope up. It's pretty much over and it should be dealt with that way so that it can be easier on her. Prepare for the worst! Low expectations bring happy endings!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

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I disagree, if he'd wanted to not betray her he'd have not broken up with her suddenly and with no rational reason, he'd have sought help FIRST rather than being selfish and potentially breaking her heart. I know that fear can cause irrational actions but jeez you've been with someone for four years, I think by then you'd surely have developed enough communication between you and your partner to clearly be able to talk first then act.. for all you know his REAL reason for splitting might be another woman Rol, who knows really hey?

Well I have asked him this question - why not get help before he even asked me to marry him or why not sit down with me and have an adult conversation about his fear and seek... he said that he felt OK with everything prior to coming back from our Hawaii trip and it was the instant planning that felt just rushed and so he didn't feel this intense anxiety about getting married until post engagement. His counselor suggested he start writing down his emotions - some for him to have to himself and others specifically for me to read and he said he was going to start on that today... he has his second appt with his counselor tomorrow and said he would call me and let me know how it went. Ultimately I do feel betrayed, but a part of me is grateful that he did it now rather than a week before the wedding or even worse, married and than not happy. So I hope regardless of if we stay together that counseling will help both of us... I just logically can't understand why he would want to break up after our history and the fact that we haven't had a bad relationship. I personally think that it is the "forever" factor and he thinks there will be this bait and switch and once married all the good parts of a relationship will slowly fade and be left with a monotonous unhappy life together... why he thinks this I have no idea. I personally think marriage is what you make it, and if he wants a happy marriage well he needs to fix himself before we can even consider that as an option. I am hoping after a few months of individual counseling we can do a couples counseling thing... but that will depend on his progress emotionally - I am not going to make myself vulnerable again unless I feel his getting back together is 100% committed and sincere.

Exactly... Just let him call you. When he does, don't bombard him with questions... Let him speak mostly and tell him you understand and just be supportive... After all, you do want to be his wife, right? Be strong. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

A hard part is hearing people's criticisms, like a good friend of mine at work, my family... they all think it isn't worth the effort and just move on. I find it very hard to emotionally stay invested when I am not getting any reassurance from his end that he wants to get back together and I have my family telling me move on I don't deserve this. Why am I the only one that thinks that what we have, four years invested, is of course worth waiting - yes he was and is acting like an and went about things wrong, and yes I don't deserve this... but at the end of the day I still love him and want to work things out... why is that so hard for people to understand. I feel like if we do decide to work things out and get back together that I have to justify my decision to my family, his decision to break off the engagement and the relationship not only ruined my trust with him but also the trust my parents had with him. It is a complicated mess now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. :(

This guy is suffering from a flaw he is trying to correct and no matter what anyone says or feels you must acknowledge his efforts. Hurt as you are what would you do if you were married to him and he had issues to deal with? Think very hard before you abandon him, as then his fears would be realized, and you would have proven him correct. Maybe life is letting you both know that neither of you is ready for the kind of commitment it takes to sustain a marriage, and maybe you should get your issues dealt with first. If you can't support him now, I really doubt you will support him after the I DO's are said. So stop blaming him for messing something up that may not have been there on your part either. Your friends and family can go to hell as this is your decision, to practice what you've been preaching here and doing the right thing by you both.

You have got to be kidding me... I feel that I have been MORE than supportive considering the hell he has put me through this past week. The fact that I am even willing to wait around and be patient while he works on himself, while not even giving me any reassurance he even wants to get back together, is proof in and of itself. His actions have broken a trust and that doesn't mean I am contemplating me not wanting to work it out, because I do want to work it out and that has never changed. My point was that after going through this kind of turmoil to even think about getting back together it requires a little give and take and I am feeling like I am not getting any reassurance from him. You are working under the assumption he is going to go to counseling and see the error of his ways... my worst fear is that I am sitting over here holding out hope and he comes to me and tells me it really is over. I think I have reason to have my reservations on whether to trust him right now. I haven't said or even mentioned abandoning him... HE ABANDONED ME!! And yet here I am STILL... HOPING AND WAITING HE WILL GET HELP AND COME TO HIS SENSES. I can only give so much before I need some emotional something in return that tells me he wants to work through this to get back together... of course not getting that instills anger and distrust from me.

Sorry about your situation. My answer is a bit different that most though. Here are my honest thoughts. It sounds like your guy is scared of commitment, and possibly got in over his head. Down time could go one of 2 ways: 1. He realizes that he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him, aka, you, and he will call and get on with things or 2. He really does not want to get married and maybe that pushed him over the edge. After the balls were rolling, he felt like he could not go back to dating because of the wedding planning. In this case, he will move on.
Ask yourself though, if he is this shady about things now, it will probably only get worse if you did marry the guy. What if you got pregnant? Its hard to undo a pregnancy and the birth of a child. Seriously, I think if you guys were talking about marriage a few weeks ago and he has already bailed, he probably will not be a life long partner that you can depend on to not run away. I know this is blunt, but it is truly the way that I feel about this.
Too many people view marriage as like a temporary condition, or as trivial as where to go out to eat. Girls marry these losers with the expectation that they are real men. Men can be boys, but boys cannot be men! Good Luck!

Well he has said that ideally he wants counseling to go well and down the line get couples couneling to possibly get back together...

That was really perfectly said Tal.

After being in a similar situation last year I can only say how unready I was for marriage also.

For now let him go work on his issues , you go and work on yours also.

I would suggest you agree on a break of 6 months to see if you are both really ready for this type of commitment, that way he is not going to feel stressed to come to a decision before he is really ready.

Again, please keep family and friends out of it, its your private life. They will give him more stress that he does not need right now.

Ive read up on your posts an I know how you feel I waS in similar situation for 3 1/2 years and my ex was unsure after all that time.

Well you have to give space but like me you ill be feeling betrayeD HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO YOU. You are probably thinking he has ruined a great relationship just like me !m Well he has and the reaon he has is because his selfish and only thinking about himself... Honestly if he had your feelings at heart he would not be doing this!


Now here it is! ITS SIMPLE IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE DOING WHAT HE IS DOING NOW. I Don't CARE IF HE SAYS I NEED Counseling, IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE TAKING THE RISK WHICH HE IS TAKING NOW!! TELLING YOU HE NEEDS A BREAK TO SEE WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE IT MEANS HE IS THINKING MAYBE ITS NOT YOU WHEN HE SHOULD BE THINKING I NEED HER AND IF HE DID THINK THAT HE Wouldn't BE DOING THIS HED BE TO SCARED OF LOSING YOU.

I KNOPW YOU WANT THIS GUY AND WHY Wouldn't YOU HE IS Probably A GREAT GUYT AND 4 YEARS OF PLEASURE AND FUN TOGETHER.

BUt his stuffed it yourve got to stand up for yourself here, what you are doing is sAying what most people would say well he does need counseling and I hope he feels better and then we can be together.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

Its time for you to stand up and say hell if you don't know what you want after 4 years and need a counselor your losing me!! That's what needs to be said here, if he completley loves you and realises he is going to lose you he won't need no bloody counselor!!

He needs to be shown that you don't and won't stand for this anyone who need to see someone to know if they Want someone else does not really want that person.

IF YOU WANT HIM YOU MUST WAKE HIM UP HE Doesn't NEED A Counselor WHAT HE DOES NEED IS ONE HELL OF A FRIGHT AND THAT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF YOU TELL HIM YOURVE HAD ENOUGH AND YOUR DOING YOUR OWN THING NOW!! HE WILL KICK STRAIGHT INTO LINE HE Doesn't WANT TO LOSE YOU AND IF HE DOESHE DOESNTLOVE YOU.. dO THIS RIGHT NOW HAVE SOME PRIDE AND Don't LET HIM WALK ON YOU CAUSE I GUARANTEE IF YOU Don't DO THIS HE WILL BE GONE EVEN AFTER YOU GET MARRIED!!

DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!! HE Doesn't KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING You're THERE AND YOU ARE TELL HIM YOUR VE HAD ENOUGH Don't BE SCARED DO IT NOW RING HIM UP. Don't GET UPSET IF YOU THINK HE WILL JUST SAY OK That's FINE THINK ABOUT IT IF HE Doesn't COMETO YOU THEN HE Doesn't WANT YOU. TELL HIM YOUR THROUGH DO IT NOW THEN Don't FOLD Don't Don't SPEAK FOR A WEEK YOUR BETTERTHN ALL THIS CRAP HE WILL KICK INTO GEAR WHEN HE REAISES YOUR OFF... DO IT NOW

Don't JUST TELL HIM WELLIM GUNA LEAVETHAT WONTWORK HE HAS TO BELIEVE HISLOST YOU.HE WILL Probably SAY WELL IM GETTING Counseling AND TRYING, WELL Don't FALL FOR THAT JUST SAY OH That's FINE YOU STICK WITH THE COUNCELLIG I THINK THAT WILL HELP YOU AND MAYBE IF IM STILL AVAILABLE WHEN YOUR READY WE CA SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THEN TELL IM FORNOW YOUR GOING TO GO OUT AND ENJOY THE BREAK AND SEE WHAT LIFE HOLDS FOR YOU... That's IT SIMPLE SAY IT NOW... HE WILL FIRE UP THEMAKESURE YOU HANG UP AND THEN Don't ANSWER AND IF YOU HAVE TO JUST TELL HIM WHEN HE RINGSLISTEN YOU Haven't HAD ENOUGH OF A BREAK AND TELL HIM HE NEEDS MORE TIME AND THEN SAY IVE Got to GO AND HANG UP. HE HASTO LEARN You're the PRIZE... M

THIS IS NOT AGAME IF ANYONE SAYS THAT ITS CRAP ITS JUST HAVING SOME RESPECT AND STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF SHOW HIM YOU ARE WORTH GETTING HE WILL BE DYING O-ING YOUR GONE ANDALL HE WILL THINK About ISWHATA GREAT CATCH SOMEONE WILL SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET IM LOSING MY CHANCE IVE Got to GET HER BACK!!

Sorry but I totally disagree with all the above

"DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!!! HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING YOURE THERE AND YOU ARE TELL "

If she does this and he comes back before he is ready the underlying issue will still be there and history will repeat itself.
She needs to give him the space he needs to deal with his issues and they both need to decide if they are really ready for marriage commitment.

Soory rol I disagree he doesntneed a counselor. If he really loved her he would not do this. He is a guy cmon I don't think you understand you are not thinking right you are speaking from the perspective of a woman. Give him space let him breath. Guys don't need space to miss you that's a girls thing. Guys need to be shown that there girl is going to be getting bent over by another bloke that brings real love to a guy feeling that his girl is going to be taken by another gut. Don't say that's childishstuff its not!!

Guys love girls when they are losing them girls love guys when missingthem!!
!!

OK SO LETS TRY UR SCENARIO:She gives him a wake up call , what happens then? He comes back tomorrow and in 1 month he will decide again he is still afraid of marriage!
Do you think she should keep trying this strategy you are talking about all through her married life??

Lets get real here.

She can show him she is strong and tell him that they need to separate for 6 months so they can decide if they are both really ready for marriage. During that time they both will feel a real absence and know if they are ready or not for marriage commitment.

Yes I was not talking about taking him back straight away maybe give him a couple of weeks and then let him back

I like the point you make Rol, as this glitch will define there relationship. How they work through this problem will either make them stronger, or show them where the work needs to be done, and see who's willing to work together. He must have time and space to get through his issues, and she must work on her feelings, so they can slowly build that communication between them. It's the same thing for you Mac as as much as you duck your own issues, it has left you stuck and bitter, because you have to deal with the root issue of the problem, to even see what it is to be worked on. Even after the wedding debacle, I think they both are seeing the need to know what they want, and do what it takes to get it, and I think it was a good thing that these facts are out in the open where actions can be taken. For sure they will talk together, and define what they both want and work for it, or go there separate ways, and that's the whole point. Its so easy to go with the flow, until that flow gets interupted by a rock in the stream, and the course has to be changed, that's life, and talking about the next step or what the course of action will be, is important in building a life together. Neither can make a real decision until his counseling is over, and her emotions have settled, as if their was honest communications in the first place this relationship would not be floundering. If he had addressed his fears, she would not have moved forward in the first place, so now here we are, trying to work through a big emotional limbo.