I just broke up with my boyfriend last week and I have to admit, I broke up with him even if I still love him. Our differences are irreparable.
What's hard for me now is the transition stage, and trying to get past the emotional investment and energy that I gave in to the relationship...

I still feel the pain, and sometimes I still break down in my room when I'm all alone and cry... I want to get over him already and stop feeling this pain. It pains me even more to know that he is just unaffected about our break up. We were together for like 1 yr and 6 months...

I'm having a hard time, seeing our old common friends and when I remember our happy memories... my prob with him was he was very numb and emotionless and does things as if he is a robot. He was faithful, everything and did all I want but I couldn't feel him. I was still lonely within our relationship. When I broke up with him, he didn't even ask why, he just said "fine" and moved on... so I felt like I was just a cover up.

Although I suspect that he is gay, I still love him and I want to get rid of this love emotion as soon as I can... help! Practical tips please...

You think I should go out on dates?

My ex and I had a similar situation. It is very hard to get over someone you loved, and 6 months later to this day I have "sad" moments or nights where I question things, him, his actions etc. The thing is, you'll probably never hear an answer you want to hear. For me my ex wants to be friends, but I just don't think I can do it seeing as he wants to pursue something with this chick he broke my heart with. Anyway the best way to get over him is to not communicate for a month or more. It will be so very hard, but keep busy with you friends, go out of town, dates will make you realize there are a lot of men out there, and classes... anything that brings you back to the gal you were before you met him. Hope this helps.

The process at the end of a relationship is like the grieving process, and there is no quick way through that. But you can possibly make things a little easier for yourself by taking care of yourself. Spend time with yourself and avoid jumping into a new relationship too soon.

Some more tips please... :)

How about making some changes, as a way of distracting yourself? You could give yourself a make over, redecorate your bedroom, take a different root to school/work, play different music, by different magazines, go some place you have never been before, have a clear out of old memorabilia. It isn't much but I think the point is to keep your mind busy.

Back to your comment, he probably does feel the sadness and is hurt, but deals with it in another way. Men don't always show their emotions you know? Don't bother asking the questions, because most likely it will stir your emotions up even more. My ex and I went back and forth for months trying to get answers and resolve. I would have rather had the no emotions, then the lies I got :( That was the roughest ever. Try eharmony :-)

Best way to deal with any break up is to think that person is dead. Harsh it may sound, but had it been true and you knew he wouldn't come back and that he' gone forever... DEAD... u'll move on. Life never stops at one person you know. Our ancestors are no more but world has not stopped for us... has it? Also, each night before you go to sleep, try meditation. 3 deep breaths and slow music, eyes shut, sit cross legged and think you're with HIM... I mean God(if you don't believe in him, then think about just being in a garden full of flowers and lots of colorful birds... sun shining above... )... Trust me, do this continuously for a week, and let me know how u feel. It has worked for people I've recommended... should work for you too. You'll be a different person... attached yet detached from the world in lot of ways and will know how to deal with stress which is nothing but a mere state of mind. All the best and my wishes.

Yes, Yes, Yes, go out go out and go out. Keep your thoughts busy;;, and when you find that you are thinking of him and the times that you spent together, shake it off and get busy, do something that requires thought. Pray if you pray, that God will help you to find outlets and thoughts that will lead youi on your way. I too kicked him out a few months ago. I have found all this to have worked, in part, for me. Each day gets a little bit easier. Just do not find yourself blaming you for the end. You apparently did what you had to do and end it. Now that that is done, move on, get out there and keep busy. The weather is nicer now and you can keep busy busy busy and before you know it that Mr. Wonderful will be standing before you waiting for your arms to go about him. Hang in there, do not falter in your decisions. Love you, be proud of you, and smile, smile. I am pulling for you. I know that you can do it. I just know it. Awendy

Wow! Thanks wendy... you sound so fiery and I can feel your sincerity... thanks so much :)

By the way, my other concern is right now, I feel like I'm not ready to take the news if he gets into another relationship and I feel like I'll be badly affected and just fall back to the pit of pain when I find out... I keep on wishing, I wish he wouldn't get into a relationship this soon... like I hope, I have moved on already when it happens...
But the thing is, he has this reputation of just jumping from one relationship to another, and because he is really good-looking, he can easily make it happen...

In fact, a month or even 3 weeks after he broke up with his ex-- he gave me flowers already and started asking me out... he assured me he wasn't on the rebound and I believed him because it was his ex who cheated on him... and at that time, I was also nursing a wounded heart so I thought that we can move on together to heal together...

Whew! Deep sigh! :(

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Originally Posted by brkfstatiffs

Back to your comment, he probably does feel the sadness and is hurt, but deals with it in another way. Men don't always show their emotions ya know? Don't bother asking the questions, because most likely it will stir your emotions up even more. My ex and I went back and forth for months trying to get answers and resolve. I would have rather had the no emotions, then the lies I got :( That was the roughest ever. Try eharmony :-)

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Sometimes I also wonder how he copes with the hurt, actually, I've been really seriously wondring if he is even hurting... sometimes I wish I had no feelings at all... :(

Hoots to whether he had feeling or not... lot of people don't... and most times it's people with lot of feelings end up getting hurt. Try to be unemotional at times, life would be easier. Think nothing is permanent, nothing at all.. that will make it lot easier...

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Originally Posted by doubfulGF

wow!! thanks wendy...you sound so fiery and i can feel your sincerity...thanks so much :)

by the way, my other concern is right now, i feel like im not ready to take the news if he gets into another relationship and i feel like i'll be badly affected and just fall back to the pit of pain when i find out...i keep on wishing, i wish he wouldn't get into a relationship this soon....like i hope, i have moved on already when it happens...
but the thing is, he has this reputation of just jumping from one relationship to another, and because he is really good-looking, he can easily make it happen...

in fact, a month or even 3 weeks after he broke up with his ex-- he gave me flowers already and started asking me out...he assured me he wasn't on the rebound and i believed him because it was his ex who cheated on him...and at that time, i was also nursing a wounded heart so i thought that we can move on together to heal together...

whew!! deep sigh! :(

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Two weeks after my split he contacted a woman on the internet, (he was addicted to internet sex) and she too received his comments to her, she became leery and had him investigated. She then contacted me as she found me through the investigation. She showed me what he had said to her and what he wanted to do to her. After 4 hours of chat he told her that he loved her. Scheeze. I went ballistic. It hurt so badly. That confirmed to me that I had done the right thing in kicking him out. He has now been thrown over by her and has gone into therapy. This has been so hard for me, as we were married for together for 7 years, married for 5. I am moving on, but I am not going out to find someone to take his place. I must heal first. We all must heal first. To go into another relationship before we heal is disaster. I pray that you can find things to keep busy with, things to keep your thoughts busy and when you start to think about him, change the subject. He was not that into you in the first place. Just a diversion. I am so sorry to say that but it is true. His actions since your split has proven that. Be strong and be brave, be bold. Treat you as you are the queen and you are more important to yourself than to someone that does not care about you. Hang in there, be bold. Be strong. Hugs

Practical tips when it comes to emotional issues ?
That's a good one :)

Look... it takes time.
Be realistic.

You thought he was gay...
And you had your reasons to break up.

If you would not feel in pain you would be emotionless... and you would have reason to be worried... ;)

We can break up with people and know exactly why we do it and yet... it can hurt and it usually does hurt...

Time will heal.. it's a cliché, but it will.

Are you ready to go out on a date...
My personal experience is that so soon after breaking up it is too early... it makes me want to run back to the person I broke up with... so for me that does not work. m
However, I know of women who think it's best to date and have a "get over the ex bf date..."

Good luck.
Give yourself time.

First, congrads on taking the first step.

Meaning you were in love but you recognized fundamental problems that couldn't be resolved. You have already saved yourself a lot of grief, though it doesn't seem that way.

When I lost the first big, big love of my life it took a long time to get over. And I broke it off, much like you, for reasons that came down to simple incompatibility in important areas.

In my case, I didn't date for almost 2 years... I was sad as hell for a long time... and then mad about some things... and in time, just like any other grieving, the pain fades more and more. Now... I think I was ready to date again to some degree within 6 mo... I just didn't want to for a time, and then when I was ready I didn't seem to find anyone I really wanted to date.

So... you need to give it some time. Let yourself feel like crap. You are supposed to. And at the same time you need to look yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing. It just takes time. Dating casually can distract you some. Simply connecting with people too.

But don't try to just numb the pain. Feel it for a bit. It will remind you of what you are trying to do for yourself... demanding more for yourself and not settling for less.

With there was a magic button to push.

I know it doesn't sound like good news... but I lost a few "loves of my life" before I found my wife. I can tell you, each time I seemed to be able rebound better and faster... its just a normal part of living and loving.

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Originally Posted by doubfulGF

sometimes i also wonder how he copes with the hurt, actually, ive been really seriously wondring if he is even hurting...sometimes i wish i had no feelings at all... :(

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I know this is going to sound impossible, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget what he is feeling/thinking/doing. Thinking about him is only going to trap you in a cycle of confusion and negative emotion. That's is not something you need to expose yourself to, in addition to the pain your already dealing with.

I'm sure he can handle himself fine, just as you can handle yourself fine - but I assure you, you've got about all you can handle dealing with yourself... let him take care of hisself, while you take care of yourself. :)

Not everyone shows that they are distraught. He may even been wanting the breakup but didn't know how to go about it. Who really knows. Women and men react differently to emotional pain.

I wish you the best in healing. It's hard, I know. Be with friends and family. Talk to your pastor if you have one.

Thanks all, I'm encouraged...
You know every time I go home from work, I just break down and cry myself to sleep. It heals me to just let the pain out. But honestly, I prayed that he'd come back to me and then the next thing I know I get back my prayers again and I ask for strength and grace instead.
But at the back of my mind, I know that if I ever get back to him, I'll feel emotionally better temporarily (I think just because of the attachment) and then after a while I will know I'm in a deeper pit. So I actually know I'm on the right track , it's just that my emotions can really weaken me big time...

I even askd God to grant me amnesia... and sometimes, I feel like I might be uncapable of loving again because it's just hurting so bad.

By the way, I still know his password to all his internet accounts, he didn't change it. I think he didn't notice that he told me about it so he never realized. I always get tempted to check it and I do. I want to really move on with life now and be back to who I really am before I met him... well, the irony was I was also broken hearted before I met him and thought he would help me heal.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

I know this is going to sound impossible, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget what he is feeling/thinking/doing. Thinking about him is only going to trap you in a cycle of confusion and negative emotion. Thats is not something you need to expose your self to, in addition to the pain your already dealing with.

I'm sure he can handle himself fine, just as you can handle yourself fine - but i assure you, you've got about all you can handle dealing with yourself...let him take care of hisself, while you take care of yourself. :)

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Deep sigh... I'll really try to do that... one of my ways of distracting myself to not think of him is by actually listening to party music and loud, fast music that ay I don't get to feel my emotions. It makes me numb and up to beat... it's just that , when everything around me, like in my room, is silent, I break down again...

I'm sorry if I might sound stubborn... it's just with all honesty... it's just hurting so bad...

Well doubtful... that's not that important anymore.
Don't go into that drama.. it's your past now.
Move on.

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Originally Posted by AW805

Not everyone shows that they are distraught. He may even been wanting the breakup but didn't know how to go about it. Who really knows. Women and men react differently to emotional pain.

I wish you the best in healing. It's hard, I know. Be with friends and family. Talk to your pastor if you have one.

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Thanks AW... I'll be with my family this weekend. I'm really praying each moment now. Telling Him to give me the grace and strength to endure this. I'm also thinking of joining a more proactive church...

You know, I wouldn't see any reason apart from that he is gay or has too much pride why he would want a break up. But then I don't really want to analyze. Everything was actually going smooth (as he perceives it), it was just me who bursted into anger and frustration and broke up with him... but (sigh) I don't want to think about it anymore... im tired...

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Originally Posted by doubfulGF

thanks AW...i'll be with my family this weekend. i'm really praying each moment now. telling Him to give me the grace and strength to endure this. i'm also thinking of joining a more proactive church...

you know, i wouldn't see any reason apart from that he is gay or has too much pride why he would want a break up. but then i don't really want to analyze. everything was actually going smooth (as he perceives it), it was just me who bursted into anger and frustration and broke up with him...but (sigh) i don't wanna think bout it anymore...im tired...

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Of course you are tired.

You are starting to over-analyze...


Get distraction.

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Originally Posted by gypsy456

practical tips when it comes to emotional issues ?
that's a good one :)


we can break up with people and know exactly why we do it and yet... it can hurt and it usually does hurt...

time will heal.. it's a cliche, but it will.

good luck.
give yourself time.

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Thanks, gypsy... im actually at the stage right now when I'm starting to get tired of the emotion and I choose to just be numb to it, and I try to just let the emotions knock me down, that way when I'm knocked down, it stops beating me and then I start to slowly recover and heal and wake up... :)

But on the real side, I'm feeling better each day... especially from everybody's encouragement.

The end of my relationship with my ex of 3 years was a painful experience. I can tell you, hand on heart, 8 months after the breakup and it really does get better in time. Time is a great healer but you must also keep yourself occupied, keep your mind occupied. There will be many, many ups and downs to come. I still have sad days when I remember the past but I have more up than down days and I am now better equipped to deal with those painful memories.

Stay away from the grapevine, out of contact with the ex and get busy living. Easier said than done but you must try.

Take one day at a time.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Stay away from the grapevine, out of contact with the ex and get busy living. Easier said than done but you must try.

Take one day at a time.

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Ill drill this to my head... im actually thinking of moving to another place or city far from our usual friends. Is that good? Or is it just escaping?

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Originally Posted by doubfulGF

ill drill this to my head...im actually thinking of moving to another place or city far from our usual friends. is that good? or is it just escaping?

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That is a positive thing. You can make new friends and move on from the past. By eliminating things that remind you of the past, you have an advantage in the healing process. It is not escaping, it is moving on rather than being stuck somewhere that constantly reminds you of the past.

Of course, don't make this move if other areas of your life are going to suffer.

Be careful with choices that you make. We all have some part to play in our own destiny and that is the fruit of life.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Heh, you know what he's doing? He knows you're hurt, so in return, to make HIM feel better, he acts as if he doesn't care anyway. But honestly, he probably doesn't care, cause he may think "theres more fishes in the sea" you know? So think of it this way, if he's having fun out there with some other girl, was he worth it?

And anyway, he can't let you know that he's affected by the break up, if YOU knew he was affected, it would help you sleep at night wouldn't it? He doesn't want that, he keeps the control by being unaffected, or "pretending to be."

I know this cause when I had a g/f, I begged, cried, pleaded, and she treats me like we never went out at all, like 4 YEARS was nothing , as if I didn't exist.

So how do you think she keeps the control over my emotions?

Exactly.

So its not worth it, just keep busy, I find that multi tasking helps me a lot, try it.

Try to keep yourself busy, read a book that sparks your interests, call an old friend, spend sometime with your family. Missing someone and feeling sad when they are gone is NORMAL. It shows that you are an emotionally healthy individual. I promise the pain with go away with a little time.

You are going to be fine.

You speak like a person who has the power and determination to do what is right for herself.

You are going to be fine.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

and ne wayz, he can't let you know that hes affected by the break up, if YOU knew he was affected, it would help you sleep at night wouldnt it? he doesnt want that, he keeps the control by being unaffected, or "pretending to be."

.

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This is definitely right.. im actually laughing now... coz I realized that yeah, it would definitely help me sleep at night if he was affected. :) (at least I still see some selfishness and love for self from this point of view, lol) wow!

On the other hand, will he not be able to sleep at night too, if he realizes I've moved on? Lol... coz I'd really want to do that... :)

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

That is a positive thing. You can make new friends and move on from the past. By eliminating things that remind you of the past, you have an advantage in the healing process. It is not escaping, it is moving on rather than being stuck somewhere that constantly reminds you of the past.

Of course, don't make this move if other areas of your life are going to suffer.

Be careful with choices that you make. We all have some part to play in our own destiny and that is the fruit of life.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

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Thanks :) yes, I will be careful with my options and choices from now on. And by the way, before I got into a relationship with this guy (gay, lol), I was also getting over someone, and I was also badly broken that time but this time is more painful because, I felt like I gave more to this relationship to make it work because I was also trying to prove to my previous guy that I'd be happier in my next relationship and that it will be forever this time (my bad :( ) although, I wasn't completely on the rebound, getting into our relationship helped to forget about the hurt and to heal completely and my boyfriend even promised me he'll not hurt me the same way that guy did... duh! Promises are said not done...
But then again, another painful lesson learned... this time is more painful. He was plainly there and doing everything I asked for but I don't really know why he is doing things for me, because I just couldn't feel him.

Well, revenge isint the way. You got to let him go.

Just don't think about it.

Look, if you love him, and you think its not going to work, do what you think is best for yourself, but don't do something that's going to affect him, be the bigger person and know that you're better than him anywayz,concited yes, but very helpful.

That way, in your mind, you didn't need him anywayz.

Sure there's memories, and you'll never forget him, but you got to move on sometime.

You don't want to pace around in circles wondering why it fell apart, its only going to bore a whole in the ground, and your still going to be stuck in the same rut.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

you are going to be fine.

you speak like a person who has the power and determination to do what is right for herself.

you are going to be fine.

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YEAH!! I HAVE THE POWER AND DETERMINATION TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR MYSELF. I AM GOING TO BE FINE...!!! ***shouting*** whoooohooooo... screaming... and saying these lines over and over to myself now,, muchos gracias KP!

Well it depends are you going out with these lads cause you like them or cause you want to get over your ex! Cause the last thing you want is giving a guy the wrong sign and think you really like him when you don't! I split up with my ex 5 weeks ago and the first thing I did was burn all the pictures off him and all the memorise erased out of my head! I am now back with him but I still think about why we split up but love can get thro it! I wish I was strong enough to say I'm over him but I was I hope your stronger than me! XXx

Yeah blu... but as of this time... I will need you guys... I need people to be behind my bike and let go of me when I can drive it on my own and I can balance... it may sound dramatic or selfish, but it helps to have constant affirmation that you're doing well, and good and continuous encouragement... because it helps you not to look back and fall again...
Because sometimes when we realize there's no one behind you and we realize we're alone, we get distracted and fall off from our bikes again after driving by ourselves...

Because sometimes, reality is, your emotions can just betray you in one second and even if you're up the ladder sometimes, you get offguard and fall off... and I don't want that to happen... I'd still want you all around :)

And God knows how much this forum and you guys are strengthening me and helping me.

Yes, I agree. We all need this at times, as have I.

But there comes a time when you got to stop looking back, wondering if someone's there to catch you if you fall.

Instead, believe in yourself, enough that you know you Aren't going to fall again.

RIDE THAT BIKE GIRL!

Don't let past problems make you look back, you'll only fall off again.

But everyone here see's it, we see it in your postings, your quotes, you're ready.

But, DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

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Originally Posted by abi123

well it depends are you going out with these lads cause you like them or cause you wana get over your ex! cause the last thing you want is giving a guy the wrong sign and think you really like him when you dont! i split up with my ex 5 weeks ago and the first thing i did was burn all the pictures off him and all the memorise erased out of my head! i am now back with him but i still think about why we split up but love can get thro it! i wish i was strong enough to say im over him but i was i hope your stronger than me!! xXx

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I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you both this time around. :) as for me, maybe it's also an advantage that he's not doing anything to have me back, because somehow it strengthens my decision even more that he's not worth it... although, part of me (my heart) wants him back, I know this time, it's best to ignore my heart and follow my mind... but I don't really know too, what would happen if he asks me so I'm praying, he just wouldn't... coz sumhow I've made up my mind, I'm just training my heart to yield to my decision now... and it's hard to tame this foolish stupid heart of mine... but the insights and opinions I'm gettng from everyone here, strengthens me to stand by my decision because one day, I will look back at this point and say, "wow!! good i made that decision even if i struggled"...
By the way, I'm not yet seeing anybody else. And yes, when I dated this ex, it was a way of moving on for me. And I know it was wrong, but through time, I learned to love him even more than the guy before him.

Doubtful,

I know how you feel, and one thing that I have realized is that while I would love to see her upset and wanting me back, when it actually happens, it doesn't help that much. If that were to happen, then you would have to deal with the guilt of wanting to take him back, and knowing you shouldn't. It also keeps you worried about what he's going to do next, and your constantly trying to plan your next move. Its much easier to just know that he isn't going t be contacting you, because you can then just push the worries and the thoughts out of your mind.

Just some insight from my experience...

Hope it helps

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Doubtful,

I know how you feel, and one thing that I have realized is that while I would love to see her upset and wanting me back, when it actually happens, it doesnt help that much. If that were to happen, then you would have to deal with the guilt of wanting to take him back, and knowing you shouldnt. It also keeps you worried about what hes going to do next, and your constantly trying to plan your next move. Its much easier to just know that he isnt going t be contacting you, becuase you can then just push the worries and the thoughts out of your mind.

Just some insight from my expierence....

Hope it helps

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Helpful insight... I know that things would be easier if there's just no further complication or further decisions to be made since I've already decided to just move on given the current situation but I don't know what will happen if another situation arises... it really helps me to hear it from those who've been here and done this and to know they've succeeded and they're OK now... :) so thanks... and sometimes, if I scan through some forums, I even realize there's a lot more people hurting more than me... so I should really get ofer this...

Give yourself some credit... its going to take time, and its going to be hard, but you're headed in the right direction, and you'll be fine.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Give yourself some credit...its going to take time, and its going to be hard, but you're headed in the right direction, and youll be fine.

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Thank you, sypher... im really feeling better each day and I guess I've gone pass through the denial stage and I am slowly accepting things that we're just not meant to be. Gay or not gay, we were just not compatible... I admit I might still be in the grieving stage but I have a great feeling I'll be over that grieving stage very soon :)

And then I'll throw a party to treat everybody in here for pushing me to the right path... :)