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Hi. I need someone to talk to because I feel like I'm going crazy! My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and all I want to do is just curl up in a ball and sleep. My eyes are so sore and red from crying that I can't even touch them to wipe my tears away anymore. Anyway, we were dating for about 4 months, which probably doesn't sound like much, but we moved really fast. We saw each other pretty much every day and we had a great relationship. We never fought and we had the best connection. Here's the thing... he's only 21 and I'm 28. He said that he needs time to be on his own and spend time with his friends because he had a long term girlfriend before me and was only single for about 8 months, prior to him turning 21. He still wants to be friends and he has called me that last two days and says he wants to be able to continue to hang out and talk to me. This confuses me, especially because he said that he might be making a mistake and he is confused. He said he doesn't want a serious relationship at all, and if he did, he would still be with me. He says all his friends tell him he is stupid for breaking up with me and he tells me over and over again that I am the greatest girl he has ever met. I'm glad that he was honest with me, but I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can be just friends with him and I am wondering if maybe he is keeping me close just in case he decides that he did make a mistake. What do you think?
Thanks - heartbroken

HI: you need to move past him and that relationship... at 21 he is still immature... find activities that you like to do... take classes at a community college... do something that you always wanted to do... this guy moved fast because he wanted one thing... I look back regretfully on all the girls I hurt by doing exactly that... I was a scumbag... in the future take time out to get to know one another... that will separate the men from the boys...
Good luck


Been there and done that..

Thanks for the advice. I just find it really hard to let go. Yeah, we moved really fast, but I never thought of him as a scumbag, just looking for one thing. He has been very considerate and hasn't done anything to make me question him until this point. If he was just looking for one thing, would he still be calling me and trying to keep a connection there? Wouldn't he have just called it quits altogether if that's all he wanted?

I still find myself confused and extremely attached. What do you think?

Thanks for the advice... I need it!

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Being 21, I'm sure this fella just wants to go out and have a good time. I'm way past that age, but found that when I had a day of the week set aside for my girlfriend, things flowed much better. My friends knew that every other Saturday night and every Sunday was off limits to them. Her friends knew the same.

If you really want this guy back, then maybe this could be a solution worth trying.

He is pretty young for you.

Plus - "saw each other pretty much every day and we had a great relationship. " - KISS OF DEATH early in a relationship. You smothered him. He probably appreciated the attention early. You needed to be unavailable sometimes - be aloof and mysterious. Not always answer his calls.

'People want what they can't have' - I think you probably surrender to him.

I know when I was 21 I was only mostly looking for 1 nighters.

Go to this website: www.lovetactics.com - read the articles.

Sounds like you were way too clingy-needy.

RULE #1 in a relationship - ALWAYS take the attitude that you can take or leave that person - especially early. ALWAYS act INDIFFERENT. People want a lover who is emotionally independent - you need your own friends, work, school, hobbies, work out etc.

Early in a relationship (less than 6 months to a year) - it's a good idea not to see them every day or contact every day. It's called the gift of missing you.

ALWAYS remember the emotional independence. They will llvoe yo ufor it.

Your lover is part of your life - never your life. If you remember that - you will never feel as bad.

If you really love him:

Here are some key taxtics:

1. NO contact for a month. None.

2. Try dating some one else - 1 date. Jealousy is a huge draw.

3. Change - you have to change. You have to change the way you deal with men. These aren't games - they are Psycological tactics necessary to make some one want you and pursue you.

4. You need to be a challenge going forward.

5. You need to act like you don't care. When you break up you need to act like it's OK. "What ever you want to do, I am happy with it" - it will change their thinking going forward.

6. You need to go to the gym. Go out with friends.

7. No contact.

8. No clingy-needy anymore - that part of your life is over.

9. In a couple months - call him and see how he is doing - invite him for coffee.

10. Learn about love tactics and the way to run a relationship. Do it as soon as possible - get thispart of your life in order.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I really need it right now. I can't seem to stop the constant obsessing and running everything over and over in my mind.

I know our relationship moved really fast, but he was the one doing the pushing from the get go, always wanting to see me and calling me everyday. He would have our days planned out. I even started introducing me as his girlfriend before we really had a discussion about it! But, I know now that I should have put some more distance between us.

As far as him and our relationship, he was a really great boyfriend. He was always very considerate and made me feel special. During our 4 month relationship, he CHOSE not to go out with his friends hardly ever, maybe 3 times. I always told him to go, but he said he didn't believe in going out when he had a girlfriend. He is 21, and we did have a good sex life, but sex definitely wasn't the only thing on his mind. I had no concerns or problems during our relationship. When he broke up with me I told him that I want him to be happy and he said that he was happy with me, but he just needs some time to be on his own, as he hasn't had that opportunity yet. He dated his first girlfriend in high school and one year after he graduated and then he was only single for about 8 months before he met me.

I tried not to be too clingy - he even told me that I do a really good job of not calling him too much, like most of his friend's girlfriends. I'm so confused.
I do love him and I want him back more than anything.

Do you think there is a chance? Or should I just move on?

Thanks for listening!

Quote: "but he was the one doing the pushing from the get go, always wanting to see me and calling me everyday. He would have our days planned out. I even started introducing me as his girlfriend before we really had a discussion about it!"

That's kind of big red flags as well. (I've been there - when I was younger I had been that guy)

You guys definitely needed space. Seeing someone every day in the beginning is too much. And talking every day is too much. It will lead to crash and burn. You shouldn't even need to talk every day - shouldn't. Given him/her the gift of missing you.

Please check out this site as well: www.relationship.blog-city.com

Thanks again. The websites you gave me were very helpful and I will continue to look at them to get me through this.

I'm going to follow your advice and not contact him. I realize that I need to give him his space and some time. We definitely spent too much time together and I made the mistake of allowing it to happen... it's hard to push away the attention when it feels so good. Hopefully, by giving him some space, he will come to realize just what he missed!

Thanks a bunch!

Yes - for now you need to 'pretend' your life is just great with OR without him.

If you feel the urge to call or text message him - have a friend you can call. No e-mails.

Don't sit at home - I suggest joining a gym. 1. It will help with the sadness/stress 2. you will look even better

Fast and Furious is no way to go into a relationship - my relationship before this one last about 4 months and was like that - we had sex the first night we met - she then contacted me 3 days later. We were initially crazy about each other. I was in the position you were in - I vowed NEVER to let it happen again - NEVER.

You have to be caucious in a relationship - NEVER completely surrender - you will smother them. Always keep some doubt to them.

In the future stress independence - and emotional independence - never get too attached - because it could end anytime.

"it's hard to push away the attention when it feels so good." - LESS is always MORE!!

You ALWAYS need to be a challenge - not always available etc.

Make sure to SMILE and laugh every day.

Thanks again for all your help!

I have been trying to keep busy. I'm in school full time and I started working out again. Plus, I've been talking to my friends and family a lot, which helps.

I'm NOT going to call him. It's hard not to, but I know that if I'm going to have a chance in this, that's what I need to do. I'm going to turn over a new leaf and start to be more mysterious and less available from now on.

He said that he wanted me to call him last night and so I did, which I now know was a big mistake... but his voicemail picked up and he didn't call me back. I can't help but wonder why he didn't call, especially when he asked me to call him and he was so adament about us talking... he said that he really meant it when he told me he wanted us to call each other. I didn't have any reason to not believe him. I just have this horrible feeling that, if he doesn't call me tonight, he is totally over it. Or maybe he just needs his space, right?

Anyway, I'm not going to call him... and when he calls me, I'm going to tell him that I need my space to recover from this too!!

Thanks again.

As the night goes on, I find myself getting more nervous and sick to my stomach because I'm afraid he won't call again. I'm confused because he told me to call last night and I did, but he never called me back. Now I'm afraid that he won't call me at all and that he isn't thinking about me or missing me at all (its only been 4 days!)

I absolutely refuse to call him again... at this point, he has to call me if he wants to talk. I just don't understand why called me two nights ago and then he told me to call him last night and then didn't call me back. If he didn't want to talk to me, why would he even mention it, and be so adament about it, saying it over and over again that that's what he wanted.

I know that we are broken up, but what if he doesn't call? Does that mean that all is lost? I don't know if I can take it!! :confused:

No contact for now. Seriously. DO NOT CALL HIM.

He played you. He wanted to make sure you were still there.

Do not answer his calls, do not return his calls - I'd say for 2 months. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!

And you have to change in the meantime. Fix what you did wrong.

'PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE'!!

OK?

Some other things - you need to get your head straight. Even if you get back together you need to more emotionally independent - people want emotional independence - you need to learn not to get so envolved. Especiall ythe first year.

Hun - 4 days is NOTHING in a relationship. Nothing. 2 motnh being broken up is nothing. Separation can sometimes make a relationship 10 times stronger.

You can't call him. Do not. You will look weak - and that what people despise.

My advice to you is call him as much as you possibly can. Be there for him as much as you possibly can. Be at his beck in call and meet all of his wants and needs. Forget you and your wants and needs. Just sit and stare into space and obcesse about him and what you had and could still have. Just sit and wait by the phone for his call and jump at the any sign of hope. Wait it out it's a waiting game. Just sit and wait and see if he comes around. If he shows you any attention or interest then you jump at his every need. You revolve your life around him not around you.

No seriously...

It's like that supid fu@king annoying saying goes which is actually ironically true.

If you love him, if you really love him and care about him and want him to be happy. Then you let him go and you break all ties. If he comes back to you he's yours to keep forever.

Seriously take my advice or don't take my advice and get hurt over and over again and again. It works and I know for a fact because I've done it. I was in the same situation with my current boy friend of over two years. I'm 27 he's 22.

Well, here's just a short story to back up Wildcat saying: "Date someone else." and "Do not contact him.".

When one of my ex girlfriends dumped me, at first I was like you, trying to call her, ask for another chance and stuff like that. It only did me worse. Then suddenly I said to myself: "no more...i'm gonna move on." So I just went out, met a couple of girls, let my mind think about something else. And after a few days, there she was calling me on the phone. She was like: "I hear you're going out with some girls...don't you love me any more...maybe we could get together for a coffee."... and, me being so dumb, I agreed and we got together, but everything turned out bad because the next day she forgot all about me again.

If I knew then what I know now - I would never even answer the phone. Make her miss me as much as I did her. Perhaps it would help.

Anyway... just listen to Wildcat - I can now see that if I heard his advices before - I would do so much better in my love life :)

There you go. That's the mindset! He WILL realize what he's missed. If, by the odd chance, he decides it's time to come back to you, then you will be in a position of power, and own some leverage in the matter.

"If you hurt me like this again, then our relationship AND friendship will be over, a-hole!"

Didn't know HE was the one pushing the relationship. Sounds like puppy love.

I just know - I don't want ANYONE to make the same mistakes I made - they are EXTREMELY avoidable!! Extremely AVOIDABLE!!

All this stuff is very easy IF you know the right principles. You WILL Be so much happier if you follow the proper way to love.

I know it's hard.

"at first i was like you, trying to call her, ask for another chance and stuff like that. It only did me worse." - yes that works about 5% of the time - terrible averages.

You can't call for now. You can't return his calls. If you do, you will seem desperate.

These ARE NOT Games. These are principles you MUST live by FOREVER in your relationships IF you want them to continue. YOU ARE NOT born with these principles - YOU MUST learn them.

I don't want anyone to go through the crap I went through - being desperate because the girl of your dreams left you because you paid too much attention to her or what ever...

"People want what they can't have" - if you are too available to them - the will grow to disrespect you. Dispise you.

Everyone needs OTHER things in their life that are equally important - never hold one thing higher than the other - EVER. Your relationships should be as equal as work, school, friends (most important! Believe me!! ), family, workouts, hobbies, etc. - SO if one of these falters, you have the others to fall back on.

NEVER hold your partner higher than yourself!! Never!! You are always the prize or they will leave you.

Rule #2 - LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. When you look in the mirror you better like that person who looks back at you. If NOT - change!!

Change is good - especially after a bad breakup where you are hurt. Get in shape, LEARN from your mistakes, BUILD barriers so you don't get hurt and that allow you to avoid common relationship mistakes.

Another thing - you need to learn to be more emotionally unavailable - you can't get too involved emotionally early - and early I mean 6 moths to a year.

I've been in your position though I was going out with the fella for 4 yrs. I don't think any of this has go to do with age, it's only a number. I think some of the advice your gotten is great but... you don't want to move on/ go to night classes and whatever else there was!! You want to lie in bed, in the dark, eating anything that doesn't need to be cooked are unfrozen! Everyone's had this experience and I think you need to ride this out. Stay in bed, so what if you've been there three days, you'll get up when your good and ready!! Friends made me get up and as soon as they turned their backs I was straight back in there ever more determined not to get out but this time with provisions!!

Eventually though it gets easier and you don't think about him as soon as you wake up, you realise the world still goes on without him in your life and maybe just MAYBE you might have a better time without him!! If you were to get back with this fella would you be able to trust him not to drop that bombshell on you two, three months down the line. Is he worth all the stress and tears because you are doing this to yourself!! I'm sorry if that's harsh but I wish someone had of said it to me. I really hope you go out and find yourself someone better because no one deserves what your putting yourself through.

Good Luck

Thanks so much! I'm still surviving, trying to keep my mind busy, but your're right, I would much rather stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. It's especially tough because I'm in school, finals are coming up and I have tons of responsibility to get things done. I've come too far to screw things up now!

He called me last night! I'm not sure what to think. It is obvious that he is trying to stay attached for some reason. We didn't talk about our relationship at all, we just talked as we normally would, about our day and what was up. I tried to keep it light and MADE myself sound up beat. I hate to admit it, but I even made up some things... telling him that I've been really busy doing this and that. It never hurts, right?

Anyway, he said that he would call me tonight or Friday, or I could call him! I will not call him, I've made that deal with myself. But, should I be talking to him at all?

What do you think?

You really should not have spoken with him. You have to be unavailable to him for now.

Answering the phone and speaking with him re-assures him he can have you when ever he wants - not good. Do you understand this?

You want to make him crazy over you. You need to re-ignte the flame. By speaking with him so soon you keep the flame dead.

Sure in the short term it helps to talk - but it won't bring him back.

You also need to get your head on straight and realize he needs YOU way more than you need him.

Assuming is a dangerous thing to do. Sit down with the boy and talk. There could have been some external forces at work in this break-up. If nothing comes from the discussion, then maybe it's time to sever the notion that a rekindling is possible. Life is a negotiation!!

That would be nice in a perfect world - but relationships to do not work that way at all.

There are certain Psycological principles that were not in order that made the break up happen.

Heartbroken simple needs to change. And follow what I said. This is not a business deal - this are matters of the heart.

She needs to become a challenge again - be the person you were when you first met! The fun girl, the hard to get girl, flirty etc.

I think there's only one thing to do and I know it's going to be hard as hell to do but walk away! You were going out with this fella for a coupla months and he's already let you down so chances are it's going to happen again. It's not as if you will never meet anyone again. This fella sounds like he wants to use you to get over you. By that I mean it's hard for the person who does the breaking up as well, he's used to having you around so he's talking to you less and less the way a smoker smokes less and less, like weanning himself of you. Hope that makes sense to you. All comes down to one question, could you ever trust this man/ little boy ever again??

Well, I'm sorry for stealing this thread, but I felt like it was a proper thing to do.

I just wanted to comment on the "love tactics" site Wildcat provided :) I did take a look there, went through about 5% of the site and I found some very interesting thoughts... I decided to try them, and am currently receiving quite good feedback from the girl I have my eyes on... :) I'll try to go over the "rules" and "principles" a few more times, and hopefully will be on the right way :) Anyway, thanks Wildcat :)

Those aren't games. It things you MUST follow! Very few people can do that naturally - and usually they have a great passion in life - like sports or business - but they can fall into the traps as well.

YOU MUST learn the rules/principles IF you want to be happy. And it will help you walk away from a bad relationship.

'People want what they can't have.' if you are all clingy/needy - especially after a break up - you WILL push them away.

Your lover is part of your life - NOT your life.

LESS contact is MORE!! Make them miss you.

You need to move past this guy and try to keep yoruself busy. He probably doesn't really know what he wants and is keeping you close by when he decides he is ready for that relationship. You don't deserve to be put on hold and except to be there when he wants you to be. Go out and have fun. I know you don't want to. That you want to be in bed, feel sorry for yourself, and be alone. You should spend time with old friends you hadn't seen in awhile and find things to concentrate on. I know it is easier said than done. I have been where you are and it is hard. You will get through this.

Hey, Wildcat... "she needs to becoem.." Is that some kind of weird religious ritual?

Matters of the heart... BAH!! There is emotion and there is LoGiC. Balance the two, and your life will be sooooo much easier it'll blow your mind. It sounds like the girl is 3/4 emotion and 1/4 LoGiC. If you use LoGiC, you will never lose, because LoGiC utilizes fact, not fiction. LoGiC... is your friend.

Woman do not think and react in logic.

Only men use logic.

Learn it.

You don't know how attraction works between men and woman do you. For woman it's not something they choose.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Woman do not think and react in logic.

Only men use logic.

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That's exactly why there are mostly Vulcan males in Star Trek :D

I no it isn't a nice feeling to be heart broken but bear in mind you were happy before you met him because you loved yourself. Before thinking ahead learn to love yourself again and spend as much time as you can by yourself to get to know yourself, this will strengthen you in many ways e.g how to avoid being heart broken again in the future by someone else and if you do then how to tackle it.

Help I need more advice quick! I ran into my ex out at the bar last night, only five days after breakup and it was the first time we've seen each other since. It was absolutely horrible!!

First of all, he didn't call me Thursday or Friday, like he said he would, which I think is because his friends are around and he is busy with them. I didn't know he was going to be out last night and so I was completely shocked and a total basketcase. I was literally shaking and felt sick to my stomach, I even felt like I couldn't breathe several times. Anyway, he stopped and said hi and we talked for a minute, which was awkward, especially since it was kind of in a group situation, with his buds. The was nice, not cold at all and even put his hand on my back several times during our conversation. It was sooo hard, but I eventually told him bye and he gave me a big hug, a peck on the top of the head, and said he would call me today. What do you make of his reaction and, do you think he'll really call this time? If he doesn't want to talk, why does he keep bringing it up? Why mention it at all?

After we walked away, I went to the bathroom and burst into tears. It was so hard. He looked like he was having so much fun and it sucked. Then, I had a really hard time not watching what he was doing the whole night, leaving me feel like a stalker by the end of the evening. Do you think I screwed things up even worse? I tried not to make it obvious, but it was hard. The last time I saw him, I woke up next to him and we were together! I didn't talk to him again, except for a "hey" as we were leaving. I know his friends probably have a big influence on how he is acting, at 21, but it totally killed me.

I can't stop obsessing and seeing him only made it worse. Do you think he'll call and if so, what should I say to him? His reason for breaking up was that he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship because he never had the chance to go out with his friends. I guess he is doing what he said...

Do you think there is still a chance for us?
I just feel sooooo hopeless and lost!

There's a lot of sadness in this world. What are you going to do when a real problem confronts you? You've seen the writing on the wall. So, get someone else to date and quit feeling sorry for yourself. You sound like a real baby!

HANK :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by heartbroken

First of all, he didn't call me Thursday or Friday, like he
Said he would, which I think is because...

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You really shouldn't even THINK why he didn't call you... you were given an advice not to even answer his calls, if he does call you, for a couple of times... try to understand it... I'll put it in nice capital letters.

DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS!

DO NOT WAIT FOR HIS CALLS!

Quote:

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Do you think he'll call and if so, what should I say to him?

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Sorry girl, but seems like someone has to say it one more time.
Our advice is - DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS!

D.O... N.O.T... A.N.S.W.E.R... H.I.S... C.A.L.L.S..!

Quote:

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Do you think there is still a chance for us?

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If you ask me - you should decide whether you want to try and get him back or not. If you do not want it - then just sort it out in your had, feel bad for a couple of days and be done with it. If you do want him back - listen to the advices given.

OK. Here's what you do. Wildcat 21, you don't have to agree with me. Heartbroken -- look at yourself in the mirror, literally. Take a gooood look at yourself, maybe for 10 to 15 minutes. Then, go outside at grab yourself a cuppa coffee. Just walk around a busy area. Notice all of the couples? They're in love. They're kissy kissy. Take a look at the women. I'll bet dollars to cents (or is it the other way around) that YOU are better looking than them! There's some real rats out there getting some, which is a good thing for you, because once you get over this dumbass, it'll be like fishing with a two mile net.

He's not the one and only for you, and once you realize that around the next corner might be the man of your dreams looking for a girl who's just like you, this fella will be out of sight and mind like a one-hit wonder.

Hmmm. Wildcat 21. How many clichés in that response. 4? 5?

Just a note. CroCivic, the main relay was definitely the prob. Don't need to crack open the distrubutor.

Sorry, Heartbroken. A little guy speak from another forum.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toonking

Just a note. CroCivic, the main relay was definitely the prob. Don't need to crack open the distrubutor.

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Woot, nice! Glad you fixed it! :)

Now if we were to find a good ECU for hearbroken... :D

Here's the deal: he is probably telling the truth, he is confused... think about yourself at his age. He cannot be any more mature than he is and you can't MAKE him do what you want... let him have his way especially since you can't change it anyway... take some time and do some things for yourself. There are no guarantees he may or may not be back, but do not lower yourself or try to change who you are. He got involved with an older woman and he needs to step up to the plate or be left behind. Allow yourself the time to greave(which sounds like you have) and then get moving... life goes on. If you found him... there are others. Don't get caught up in his game, let him get caught up in YOURS. YOU have more to offer him than he does you.