Ask Me Help Desk - 25 days NC but I'm still hurting

I need some help, guidance and impartiality please. Women are so confusing.

I had a long term relationship end very badly some years ago and it took me a very long time to get over the girl. I had since resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone and single for the rest of my life and then I (42) met a stunning girl. She (33) lived about an hour drive from me and is 9 years younger than I am, but we just seemed to click from day one and she really just got me.

Things were so awkward in the beginning between us physically; it took me a while to get the guts to kiss her. I know it was me. I hadn't been with anyone for a long time and being with another woman, just made me nervous, but we got through it. We chatted all day, every day to the point where my cell phone battery wouldn't last a full day. She became my first and last thought every day. We got to a point of being intimate and all was well. She started calling me love and baby and was always affectionate when we were together both in public and alone. She spoke one day about how our living arrangements would work out down the line. We progressed from texting to phoning each other every day and all seemed to be going well.

I had to travel away for business for a few days and while I was away everything was normal but it got to a point where I could feel her pulling away from me. She became distant and didn't talk to me in the same way. I spoke to her on a Monday morning and she said she doesn't know what my plans for the future are. I saw her again on that Wednesday and she ended it with me. We ended it amicably and I know she cares for me. I put my cards on the table and told her I was developing feelings for her and that I would like to build a relationship with her in the future. From what I understood from past conversation we were on the same page.

We were still planning weekends away up until the day before (Tuesday). She said she just doesn't feel the spark between us anymore and said her best friend had told her the same thing. That she doesn't see an excitement in her like in her previous relationships. She mentioned a previous relationship that was exciting, but I don't know what she means by exciting. None the less that relationship ended in court with her ex owing her a lot of money.

This was one of the things she liked about me. I'm not clingy and I didn't need to know where she was or who she was with every minute of the day. I would try and not bother her when she was at work. She works in hospitality and is dealing with people all day, but she would contact me and we would chat if she had a quiet moment. She would from time to time say she is going to travel with friends or her father. I don't know if this was a ploy to get a reaction out of me because her planned trips away would never materialise. I asked her if there was anyone else and she said there isn't. I know she has been hurt before. I feel that if I didn't press the issue we would have carried on with whatever it was we had. When I would bring up feelings she would say she is happy with things the way they were.
Did I pressure her when I mentioned feelings? Was she still mixed up with her feelings about me? Did I chase her away or scare her off?

I asked if we could still be friends going forward and she agreed. Maybe I am wrong, but when I am heeled I would like to keep in contact with her. I felt a special connection with her that I haven't felt with many other women and I don't want to lose that. Perhaps we are just at different points in life at the moment.

This has been the second time I have been through NC, but this time it just feels much much worse. I can't get this girl out of my head. We have been apart for 25 days now. I initiated NC the next day after she broke it off. She sent me a FB message the following day and a text message two days later to find out how I am. I was polite, but I said I need some time and she has respected that and not contacted me since. I have come very close to reaching out, but I just know it will make me feel even worse again and undo all the work I have accomplished in the last 3 weeks. I have deleted her off my phone, deleted pics etc.

I still check my phone and e-mail for a message from time to time, an old habit I suppose, I still think about her, I still want to be with her, I still want her in my life, I still want to love her, BUT she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me now and that's the hard part that I have to get over.

Her birthday is a few weeks away. That will be 44 days into my NC and I was thinking about reaching out then, depending on how I feel.

Would I be silly trying to pursue something with her down the line when I have heeled after NC?

Why would she go from hot to cold so quickly?

After all the contact we had to NC, does she miss me and think of me to?

Its only been 25 days..that's absolutely nothing time wise, very few people would completely put it behind them and move on in so little time. You have to stick with it longer then you will see.

No she doesn't miss you... if she did she would have contacted you. Use that as another reason to leave this one behind and move on.

The doesn't HAVE to be logic or reason, sometimes the other person (or you) simply decides its not right and never will be... at which time the smart thing to do is cut your losses and move on.

What will never work, is trying to force something that's wrong in the first place into something it can't and never will be. In the end it never works and you both have wasted time you will never get back.

Breakups suck, no matter what the ages, or the time spent. It's been less than a month, which is NOTHING so the pain is fresh and the wounds raw still. Stay NC, because when you get tired of being miserable and in pain, you make changes for yourself.

That's just the mourning process from a loss, and the healing has yet to start, so just hang in there, and don't reopen a fresh wound by dwelling on the past, or breaking NC! It gets better later... unfortunately!

Sorry for your loss, but you know the drill, so get busy with friends, family, and activities you enjoy. Got no friends, family, or activities you enjoy? Now that's more miserable than the breakup in my book.

Just stay the present course NC, if it is over, no need to subject yourself to additional pain and hope that it is going to work out.

Speaking as a woman, I find something missing in you. Women tend to like relationships to progress in a somewhat linear fashion. A big one after sexual intimacy is what the future holds. That might be just when you will live together all the way to when you will marry and whether or not you will have children. She's 33! She wants a PLAN.

How long were you together?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Speaking as a woman, I find something missing in you. Women tend to like relationships to progress in a somewhat linear fashion. A big one after sexual intimacy is what the future holds. That might be just when you will live together all the way to when you will marry and whether or not you will have children. She's 33! She wants a PLAN.

Thank you for the insight Joy. We did speak about what we want going forward. Before she ended it with me I told her I want to be part of her life, get married someday, buy a house and have children. I thought we were on the same page going by previous conversations we had had in the past. I think sometimes that maybe I scared her off. I was ready to make a commitment and for our relationship to progress. I really wasn't expecting the outcome and I think that makes it a little harder for me to get over it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How long were you together?

We were together for 2 months.

I have been in longer relationships, this one just seems to have effected me more.

You were only together 2 months and you are this tore up after only 25 days? Dude, you REALLY need to move on from this one... you barely just met. Now 2 years or more.. then you actually would have a history.

OOops! I assumed that this was more than 2 months. My response doesn't apply now.
It's quite possible that she really needs an unusual amount of spark, and that she likes spark that is just not your cup of tea anyway. I mean, that one guy owed her a lot of money, and she sued him?
I say be glad it's over.

WOW, you seem to have fallen hard very fast for this woman, I mean two months? I think I can describe this as "Too much, two fast...Crash and burn!" syndrome, where the lust fades and there was NO love to sustain growth. I base that on it didn't make the 6 months it takes to bond on different levels other than the physical. Easy to assume you were on the same page given that initial spark (The spark of natural human attraction), but you really should have realized that two months is NOTHING when it comes to dating and REALLY getting to know someone which unfortunately she recognized way before YOU DID.

I have to admit that the reason YOU should keep NC is your lack of ability to recognize you rushed in too fast (You both did to be fair) and more importantly your lack of ability to adjust to that fact given after 25 days you still have not been able to deal with those intense feeling you built over just 60 days. That in itself may not be healthy or productive in a relationship, though it's a common thing for two people getting carried away by those very intense feelings of initial attraction.

It's really simple guy to stay away from her until YOU get YOURSELF under more healthy emotional control. Could this be from a lack of EXPERIENCE, or did you meet her while you were healing from your last relationship?

I highly suggest instead of pining away for a "LOST" love, figure out a way to tell your heart to shut the hell up, and move forward from this LEARNING experience. How much time between the last and present relationships?

What kind of work do you do? What do you do outside of work? Do you have a large circle of friends or do you keep more to yourself?

When I read your post I felt that this was a long term relationship of more than 2 years, not 2 months.

Two months is WAY to soon to have fallen so hard. I'm guessing you are a bit of a loner, in the social sense.

Us women don't want a man who is needy. We want more independent men who can think for themselves and have lives and friends outside of the relationship. I have a feeling she was feeling smothered.

Never expect a relationship to be exclusive only two months in. Always keep your options open, as should she, so early on.

I know 2 momths odd is very short and there is alot we don't know about each other. I don't know why I feel the way I do after such a short time, I just do.

I didn't meet her coming out of another relationship. I have dated since my last long term relationship, but it was never anything very serious. Part of the attraction with this girl is she is what I have been looking for and is the kind of person I would like to get back into a long term relationship with, perhaps that is part of the reason why I let my feelings run away with me.

J9, I don't have a very large circle of friends. I know alot of people, but I don't hang out with them and I do quiet alot of sport. I work for myself and I deal with people all day long. Having said that I am more of a loner though, I always have been.

Thank you all for your replies.

Two months, a relationship it does not make. That is just part of a probation period which can run as long as 6 months to a year. She ended it so you need to move on.

This is still bothering me. Yes, everyone is saying that 2 months is nothing.
But THIS keeps gnawing at me: "I put my cards on the table and told her I was developing feelings for her and that I would like to build a relationship with her in the future."
That sounds so formal and stilted and.... without real feeling. What were you 'feeling' during the wonderful, heart thumping romance? Most people want to howl at the moon, but you sound like a resume for a job. And build a relationship? You HAD one from day one, even though it wasn't a COMMITTED relationship. You do sound like someone with no spark. Maybe she is attracted to danger and risk, who knows, and isn't right for you, but could you be lacking something that shows, some excitement? Yes, it sounds contradictory to say that 2 months is too short and yet you are too stilted in the same breath, but that's what I'm saying.

I know 2 months isn't very long, but I feel like I do and I can't help that. Maybe my writing is too formal. She wanted to know what I want in the future and what my plans are. I put myself out there and told her I'm developing feelings for her and would like things between us to develop further. I didn't mean at that very second, but down the line. I felt a connection with her, but I felt like we were in limbo. I wanted to become a part of her life. Do you think I scared her off?

It was all exciting and almost consuming in the heart thumping romance. We were in constant contact with each other. I can say I felt like howling at the moon. Maybe that faded for her and is the spark she spoke about? She had said in the past that she would like to have a family and settle down and I want the same things. That is why I thought we were on the same page. I wouldn't say things weren't exciting in the beginning.

It was difficult seeing each other, because she lives in another town and we tried spending as much time with each other as possible, but it would be a few hours here and there. We were planning on going away together. I'm quite a relaxed person with not much drama in my life, maybe she likes constant drama. So maybe I have no spark, but I don't think I'm boring.

"I was developing feelings for her and that I would like to build a relationship with her in the future."

J_9 and I are the only women responding so far... as a woman, I still am totally put off by that sentence. You call that 'putting yourself out there.' You also called it putting your cards on the table. To me, it's about as far from that as we are from the edge of the universe.

What's weird is that you don't sound boring at all, except for the fact that you think that answer to her question is personal, intimate, and loving... it just isn't.
It IS a tricky, delicate question of course, because it had been only 2 months. So I suppose she wanted to hear how you wanted to hang onto her for dear life forever and ever, taking her away, marrying her.... and then say 'but I don't want to rush you and scare you away, so YOU tell ME how YOU feel.'

All I can say is that any spark in me would have died on that sentence. Like any advice, take it or leave it, it's just my thoughts, no one else's. But if any of that sounds like it might be true about her, my suggestion would be to write her a letter (on paper, sent through the mail!) asking her bluntly if she thought you just weren't eager enough about the future.

I understand what you are saying and thank you for trying to help me out with this. I don't mind hearing your opinion and that is why I asked the question. It is also nice having a women's perspective. Our conversation went along these lines.

On Monday I asked her over the phone (because I was out of town for work) what the problem was because I felt like she was pulling away from me and she said she doesn't know what my plans for the future are. We still chatted, but it wasn't the same. I then saw her on Wednesday and we had lunch at my house. After lunch she asked me if I want to talk and I said I do.

I said I know she wants to know what my plans are for the future and I will put myself out there and tell her. At this point I didn't know what her feelings were, perhaps I should have asked first, but when I did bring up the subject in the past she cut me off and said she was happy with the way things were, but we were still chatting like we wanted to be with each other. I said I would like to be with her and be part of her life. I would like to have a relationship, I want to share experiences with her, get married and have a family with her but I could feel her pulling away from me. I did tell her I was developing feelings for her. I was maybe a bit scared to throw the Love word out there at this point as neither of us had said it yet.

I never said to her that I don't want to rush her or scare her away. After I told her how I feel and what I want in future she told me she doesn't feel the spark anymore and would rather not want to carry on like we are and then hurt me in the future. Then she told me about a previous relationship (the one that ended in court) and how exciting it was and she just doesn't feel that spark with me. This is what confused me because up until 5 days before she ended things we were still chatting like we always had.

I think you might be right Joy. Maybe I was too vague with my choice of words and I didn't tell her how I want to hang onto her for dear life, but I was too scared to say I Love you.

I am a guy and think you are spending way too much time analyzing this break up without a lot of FACTS! Plain and simple you are still caught up in the emotions of it, and that's natural and very NORMAL. I agree with Joy on this point though...

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So I suppose she wanted to hear how you wanted to hang onto her for dear life forever and ever, taking her away, marrying her.... and then say 'but I don't want to rush you and scare you away, so YOU tell ME how YOU feel.'

At least you may have gotten her deeper feelings, though I doubt it would have changed her LACK OF/LOST SPARK feelings at all, because her mind was already made up for whatever reason. If you could put your own disappointments aside for a moment, maybe you can see that for yourself, and realize it's more about where her head is at, and not YOU. Happens all the time when the LUST (Initial thrill of attraction) fades, and the scramble for something besides that is sought after. LOL, actually your own LUST has not faded as fast as hers, nor were you ready for it to.

That's never an easy thing for anyone to do, because you had high hopes that you found the ONE, made WORSE by the heavy emotional investment YOU made (IN 2 months?? What's wrong with THAT picture). Can I remind you that you were wrong before, that you would never find another as good as your last long term relationship, and would be single forever? Well you found this female, and no doubt, when you are emotionally healthy again, and you will be, you will find a BETTER one because this experience should make YOU better.

I know you can't really see any of that now, because you are still blinded by your own feelings. Been there done that MANY times myself, but at least you know now that er feelings were NEVER on the same level of yours in the first place, and you did a lot of assuming that they were.

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After I told her how I feel and what I want in future she told me she doesn't feel the spark anymore and would rather not want to carry on like we are and then hurt me in the future.

You should have thanked her for her honesty, and that she cared enough not to lead you on. Then you really would be DEVASTATED. Hope you have gone back to the life you had before you gave it up to experiment with her!

Hey tal: I'm the woman and I'm right.

Thanks for the reply Tal. I am over thinking this all I think, perhaps I'm trying to make sense of it all and like you say I don't have all the facts. Her reasons are hers. Time to pick myself up and move on.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Hey tal: I'm the woman and I'm right.

ALWAYS... :D

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Originally Posted by aluppnow

Thanks for the reply Tal. I am over thinking this all I think, perhaps I'm trying to make sense of it all and like you say I don't have all the facts. Her reasons are hers. Time to pick myself up and move on.

You are not overthinking, just over feeling, like the rest of us after a tough breakup out of the blue(?), that we didn't want.

NORMAL, and COMMON!! Thought you knew that.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

NORMAL, and COMMON!! Thought you knew that.

So did I. Everything is upside down. :)

Then turn it right side up. You are in control of that, no one else but you. Why do you and others allow anyone the right to control how you feel, to control whether you have a good day or bad day, and control your life either moving forward or backwards. I will never understand that. Yes breakups suck but the moving on part is all in your court. When you are in a relationship you have to have a life outside of that relationship. Your pre-relationship life doesn't stop just because you are with someone. I still have the same buddies and the same sports guys as I did before I got married.

Sorry in advance if I have repeated what others have said. I didn't go back and read all of the responses.

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Originally Posted by aluppnow

So did I. Everything is upside down. :)

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Then turn it right side up. You are in control of that, no one else but you. Why do you and others allow anyone the right to control how you feel, to control whether you have a good day or bad day, and control your life either moving forward or backwards. I will never understand that. Yes breakups suck but the moving on part is all in your court. When you are in a relationship you have to have a life outside of that relationship. Your pre-relationship life doesn't stop just because you are with someone. I still have the same buddies and the same sports guys as I did before I got married.

Sorry in advance if I have repeated what others have said. I didn't go back and read all of the responses.

Thanks for the reply Oliver. I have started realiseing this and to be honest I am feeling tons better since I started this thread.

I did keep my friends from before we started seeing each other and I kept to my sport as usual while we were together. It was all the other free time of mine that she occupied. I have been able to spend alot of time with my friends and doing my sport and I think they both have been a great help in me moving on.

That sounds healthy and that is what keeps the mind focus on other things. Day by day you will continue to feel better. You can’t choose how people feel about you including a significant other. But you can choose how you react to it. With the choice of having a good day or a bad day, I will choose to have a good day every day. It’s just something you can train yourself to do.

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Originally Posted by aluppnow

Thanks for the reply Oliver. I have started realiseing this and to be honest I am feeling tons better since I started this thread.

I did keep my friends from before we started seeing each other and I kept to my sport as usual while we were together. It was all the other free time of mine that she occupied. I have been able to spend alot of time with my friends and doing my sport and I think they both have been a great help in me moving on.