I am new to this site and just looking for feedback on my relationship/family dilemma. Let me try to explain my story. I am 29 years old, work full-time and live with my boyfriend and our 1 year old son. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. We met online and fell in love quickly. He was a nice, sweet guy who made time for me every single day (literally) from the day we met, and I was excited to have found love again. After just 3 months of dating exclusively, my apartment lease was up,and I asked if I could move in with him (he was renting from a friend at the time, who was never there), and my boyfriend immediately said yes. At the time, I was working a 9-5 desk job that I absolutely hated, and I decided to take a brief hiatus from work when I moved in with him. I had some extra savings, and I paid my share of the rent, never asked my boyfriend for any money.

After about a month of living together, 4 months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant. I was nervous but excited, and so was he. I stayed out of work for a few more months to get past the difficult first and second trimesters. At 5 months pregnant, I went back to work full-time, as I didn't have enough in savings to continue jobless. I never asked my boyfriend for a dime ever. Once I went back to work, we started fighting because I was ready to get our own rent house to get ready for the baby, but he wasn't ready to move. He liked the cheap rent at his friend's house and wanted us to stay there until I was 7-8 months pregnant. I didn't want to move being that far along in pregnancy, and I was upset. After a lot of fighting, he gave in, and we moved into a nice but very small townhome that we rented. From the start, we split bills 50/50, down to the penny. I never questioned it, and I just thought maybe one day my boyfriend would step up to provide a little more financial support, and I was going to be patient for that day. I worked literally up until the day I went into labor, and I went on unpaid maternity leave for 8 weeks after our son was born.

While on leave, we continued to split bills 50/50, money got tight for me, my boyfriend never asked me how I was doing financially, and I didn't want to seem like a moocher and ask for money. My father and step-mom gave me $1,000 as a “gift” while I was on leave, and that helped me tremendously. I was sad to go back to work full-time when my son was only 8 weeks ago, but I couldn't afford any more time off. We found a great and cheap day sitter, and day care hasn't been an issue financially. I've been back at work for a year now after leave, and my resentment for my boyfriend has really grown. I'm sad and frustrated that he hasn't proposed nor offered me financial support. I'd love more than anything to work part-time, to have more time for my son and to take care of our home. I'm sad that I miss out every day M-F 8-5 on time with my baby. He's growing up so fast, and these are moments I will never get back.

My boyfriend is faithful, comes home every night, is a good father, and he says he wants to spend his life with me. I've confronted my boyfriend about the marriage and financial support issues on a few occasions. He says he will propose at some point, but isn't in a hurry now because a piece of paper doesn't make a difference to him. When I asked about the financial part, he literally said he's “not that guy for me”. He has zero desire to help with more bills than his 50%, zero desire to allow me to go part-time at work right now. He makes enough money, but just doesn't want to. I think he'd have to be making a TON of money before I would get any help. That hurts me to no end. I broke up with him over it one day, but I called the break-up off because I love him, and I do not want my son growing up in a broken home. At this point, I've given up on my dream of marriage and for financial support with/from him.

My boyfriend is starting to make even more money now, and I'm hoping and praying that one day soon he'll provide more support. I cry at work some days over how I'm missing out on my son growing up. But I guess it's my fault for getting pregnant before we discussed major things like this. Leaving my boyfriend is just not an option at this point. I'm at work right now as I type this, looking forward to getting my son from daycare and to have the weekend with him. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

He is a boyfriend.. he doesn't have to give you any support, And you won't even get child support as long as you are living with him. You would have to be apart and go to court to fight for it. Then you would get child support... but nothing for you.

I know that's going to sound harsh... but its just being honest. That's the way it is. Huge mistake moving in with him, and an even bigger one having a child with him BEFORE he married you.

The pull of motherhood can be hard. It's frequently underestimated. Unfortunately, you can't turn back time and discuss all arrangements before moving in together, so now you look forward. Options... accept what he said about keeping things 50-50 as his final word, try to negotiate an equal percentage of take home pay that you both contribute, figure out a way to increase your own income, or decide if you can't accept the situation as it stands, and break up.

Would he want to keep the same arrangement if you did marry? Would he then consider an alternative? Some couples pool their income for household use, and have an agreed upon amount each for spending money. Some divide up which bills each will take on. There are various ways to handle finances, but it only truly works well when both people are in agreement or acceptance at least of how it will work. Also taking into account how lost jobs, illness, etc, may play a role.

You really need to have some more discussions about it when things are nice and calm, to see if you can get on the same page... or at least in the same chapter! How that goes very well may help you make future decisions.

Think long and hard about the prospect of marriage if the two of you don't come to a mutually satisfying aggreement on handling finances....or you will have some very bumpy times that your relationship may not survive.

No point in crying because he doesn't GIVE you what you want, and won't communicate, or compromise about it. Since leaving is not an option then your child will grow up in a home that his dad dictates and mom obeys, and resents dad.

Pretty obvious that what you want from him he won't give you now, nor when you get married, until he is READY. So what's the point in resenting him, and allowing it to fester and grow when you do have other options? You just don't like them!

This is but a preview of your life with him, and where there is resentments then your relationship is already breaking and your HOME will follow. That may not be a bad thing really, even though it's hurtful, since you are not happy with the way it is now anyway.

My advice is reconsider your options a LOT more thoughtfully, before resentments grow into HATE. Staying for the child is the option you should reject. The way I see it, that's as bad a decision as moving in before discussing things better was. So don't JUST resent him, rethink your own positions, and make better choices, and some good adjustments to this losing situation.

I suppose you could just go along with the program, and adjust YOUR finances, or get a better job.

Short answer: Talk to him about Couple's Counseling.

Long answer: I don't think the two of you have been on the same page since you met. The only part that appears to be 50/50 is finances and perhaps wanting the child. Most of the relationship appears to be on your time table and demands.

At this point you may be thinking I am being harsh or hyper-critical of you. I am not meaning to be. Think about it.

Dating three months is barely time to know which restaurant he prefers or what hobbies he has. At this point, your lease is up, you ask to move in with him. For some reason he says yes. A month later, you are pregnant. You start wanting a place of your own. He doesn't at that point. He finally gives in. You have the child and have 8 weeks off work. What does he have? Work and less time with the child. You go back to work because you have to. You want to work less and spend more time with the child. That is normal, but it isn't in his plans. Plans he seems to finally be sticking to. For a year, you have been allowing your own frustration and dissatisfaction to grow.

Why should he give in to what you want? He has probably been wondering what the next major change is going to be. He may be harboring some resentment for how quickly the relationship snowballed. He may not even realize it if he does. That is why I think you both need to sit down with a counselor or someone who can be a neutral moderator and talk out the feelings and make a plan for the future. Time to work together to plan for the child's future.

For sure don't get pregnant again until you figure it out.

Agreed, why should he pay more, if he can spend his other money on what he wants. When you moved in, you were more roommates with sexual benefits.

When a child happened, discussion of how the child bills would be paid.

And as more money needs happen, deals have to change. Of course, who is doing all the work at the house, does he take care of the child, is he cooking meals, he is cleaning house. Those things also need to be divided.

I too am amazed at how much you assumed about men in general and him in particular - so little communication!
I am puzzled by complete lack of any mention of how much he loves your shared child, and also by what he is doing with his excess income.
Some people (I am one) will live frugally for many years to save for the down payment on a house, plus the added burden of a mortgage and property taxes and home maintenance. This is a trait commonly reserved for men, in the past anyway. If he makes so much more than you, what he is doing with that money? Do you even KNOW?

Time for some self help or the counselling that was suggested. Good couple counselling isn't about therapy or who's right or wrong, it's about techniques for communication and problem solving.

Simply put, an old adage...

Why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?

At 27, I gave him the milk for free, and I shouldn't have. At 29, I now understand that mistake fully. And I have asked a dozen times, literally, to go to counseling. He flat out refuses and tells me to quit asking. I don't know why he won't go. I've begged, but he won't. I want more than anything to get on the same page, to communicate better, to iron things out - but he won't - it's his way or the highway basically.

I love him, he loves me, we're just on different pages about things, he calls the shots, and we frequently butt heads over it. We "play" together very well (have fun with each other and love each other), but when it comes to making decisions for our household (and even our financial goals), we differ a lot.

I've worked since I was 13 years old, I'm not a mooch and will pay someone back a penny if I owe it to them. I don't want to sound like a lazy, entitled baby mama. When I'm off work, I bust my butt around the house (cleaning, laundry, taking care of baby, I do the majority of baby and house work when I'm home). He's a great father, loves our son, takes care of him in the mornings before he takes him to daycare, buys our son things, isn't dead-beat at all. He does allow me to do most of the housework and take care of baby when I'm home, but I prefer that because I want to clean the house and take care of my son. I don't mind pulling more weight there. Maybe I'm more traditionally minded - the man makes more bacon and pays more bills, the woman takes care of house and babies. I would never want to quit completely though - just part-time.

I don't think I'm entitled to his money either per se. I guess I just wish he would WANT to help me cut back hours if I could, for our son. I literally don't know what my child eats for breakfast or lunch 5 days out of the week. It's sad for me. I guess we just differ on our GOALS ultimately. He makes plenty of money (and will be making more), but his financial goals are "Ferrari" and "teeth veneers", while mine are "fund our Roths" and "can I work part-time, so our son doesn't have to spend 40 hours in daycare?"

I just wish he viewed us as a team - and cared about my desire to have our son in daycare less. But alas, his views are "my money" and "your money". Not "our money". He thinks he'll be making $150K+ in the coming year. And I'll be schlepping my son to daycare and working full-time all the while. If the roles were reversed, I made more money and wanted to work - while he made less and would rather have more time at home, I would say YES a thousand times yes. Because I love him and want to support him. And share my money, making it our money. He doesn't think that way at all.

I never for a minute thought you sounded like a baby momma.

I myself might take the drastic step of saying something about moving in with your parents (if that's even possible) so that you can spend more time with your son, unless he is willing to sit down and work out a compromise over expenses. And actual budget, near term and long term. Mostly of course it's a bluff and a bribe, but it doesn't have to come to threats. You aren't married. You can deprive him of your child unless he wants to go to court and argue over custody and support.
He clearly is extending the milk/sex analogy to child/Ferrari. He needs to see how unfair he's being, and it seems that using reason isn't working.
Another new move would be to simply cut back your hours and tell him why after the fact, and that if he doesn't want to chip in more, then you and the child will be deprived of more, while he saves up for his Ferrari and veneers.
You could lay on the sarcasm, telling him that you will keep track of what you and the child owe him someday, when the child is a successful income earner himself, after a happy and well adjusted childhood.
Maybe you are a little too worried about the baby momma image and are overdoing your sacrifice.
50 years ago, women had a phrase "I got a PhT - Putting Hubby Through." They would work while he went to grad school, whereupon he would dump her for a glitzier wife who fit his rich lifestyle.
Time for some wit and wiles.

Funny you should mention the "move in with family to go part-time" idea. I seriously have thought of that already - and that was when I broke up with him. I said "fine I just need to move in with family then, so I can have more time with him". Kind of as a threat, but more as a serious idea. But then I realized that logic was stupid - yes I might have to work less, thus more time with my son - but then I'd give up half the week with him and holidays, so it didn't make much sense. He wants time with our son too, so we'd be sharing him for sure, I wouldn't have my son all to myself (nor would I want to because I want his father in his life). He says he's working for "us" - it's just hard to see that when we still split everything 50/50 - and his financial goals are teeth and cars, not limiting our son's time in daycare. Although I will say we have the best day sitters in the world - they love him like their own and have even offered to watch him over night because they love him so much, so that takes the burden off me a lot. He's not at a typical daycare place.

Btw I want to be his wife. That's another part of the dilemma. I don't necessarily want to burden my boyfriend with more of the bills - some days, it's more the principle of it all. I want him to WANT to help me/our family with more support. I just want that support to be there, and it's not. It's more of an emotional support really then. He doesn't view me as worthy to share his name or his money.

So he won't go to counseling, and he won't change his mind about marriage or money. All I see left is you go along with HIS program, or get your own without him. Shame that you can work no better together, but I suggest handle your business and cry later. He seems to know what he wants and how to get it, and so far have let you do things your way to some extent, so the notion he doesn't just give in to all your demands/wishes is understandable to some point.

If his ways are that unreasonable then you have no business with him, and it doesn't matter how well you play together if you cannot handle business together. You have enough facts to know you have a decision to make, and I doubt seriously if he changes for you, now, or in the future. The question really becomes can you deal with his flaws as well as the great things you love about him... without resentment? What should you do about those resentments?

This may be harsh but FACT is you are still the FREE cow who gives free milk. Until that changes he has no reason to include you in his plans, or even ask your opinion. You really don't have to take his crap unless you WANT TO!

Maybe its time to talk to your mom, a very experienced older female.

Do it, knowing the risk of calling his bluff. If you are at your parents', you aren't chipping in. He doesn't really get your son half time, unless he can juggle work and day care, at home baby care, shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, dishes... unless he hires someone! YOU!

Write down what you do and give it a value. I think this CAN be resolved, and that you have been too easy.

We talked a bit last night, and I said, again, that I want to go to counseling to resolve these issues, and he said no again, that counseling won't do anything. He attacked me saying that I should love him no matter what, not love him for his money. The fact that he thinks I'm this money grubbing woman says he obviously doesn't know me or care how hard I've worked since we've been together. I was 9 months pregnant sweeping and mopping our floors, barely getting any sleep in my last trimester and still got my butt up every morning to work my full-time job. I suffered from a terrible pregnancy rash and facial paralysis during my last trimester, and I didn't miss a day of work. I work hard to maintain our household and take care of our son - and I've literally never taken a dime from my boyfriend. I'm not out for his money. I just want more time for home and baby. I'm not even asking to quit completely, I just want to work maybe 25-30 hours a week.

Last night he said something that is the last straw for me. He said he doesn't want to "pay for my sh!t".

If the father of your child who earns a higher income than you thinks that paying a higher percentage of the bills, so you can go part-time to have more time to clean his house and care for his son... is "paying for your sh!t"... Then he's not the right man.

I realized last night that this man is never going to be better towards me about marriage or money, not right now anyhow. He's still selfish and single-minded. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. A woman cleaning his house, bearing his children, taking care of his children (including his child from another relationship who I haven't mentioned), splitting his bills - but he won't share his money or his name.

I've struggled for over a year with how he treats me in regards to his money and no proposal. I kept my mouth shut for a long time, thinking and hoping things would change, that one weekend he'd propose or offer to help out more with bills. And it never came. Now I find out, all along, that he has zero desire to share. I just can't, and I won't.

I ended it. The plan is for him to be out of our house by month-end. It's a home that I bought for us 7 months ago, in my name only. I have to put the place up for rent now because I can't afford it on my own - and hopefully I can find an nice, affordable 2-bedroom apartment for me and my son. I'm still in love with my boyfriend and am nervous about being a single mom. But in a lot of ways, I've been a single mom all along. And enough is enough with this man.

You go girl! You are a strong woman!

I work full full time, as did my husband. When I went to night shift (I was the higher wage earner), and my husband's business closed, he wanted to stay home and take care of the kids. Role reversal if you will. I totally supported that 5 years ago, and still do to this day.

It sounds as though this "man" is a self-centered, egotistical idiot. You are better off without that stress.

Gee, that minor detail about his other child would have been nice to know before... it speaks volumes. Oh well. Put the notice to leave in writing. After all, if you two split expenses, he's a tenant.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Gee, that minor detail about his other child would have been nice to know before... it speaks volumes. Oh well. Put the notice to leave in writing. After all, if you two split expenses, he's a tenant.

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Other child? Did I miss something?

Yes, in post 15 she says he has another child.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Yes, in post 15 she says he has another child.

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I must be tired. I'm still missing it.

In 4th paragraph out of 6 paragraphs.

"(including his child from another relationship who I haven't mentioned)..."

That's where I mentioned the other child. She only comes in every 2-3 months because she lives out of state with her mother. But I still assume responsibility for her a bit when she's here. I'm more than happy to welcome his other child into our home, I love her and try my best with her - I do all this, yet he regards me in the way he does - no proposal and no sharing/merging of assets.

How seldom the child is with him is only part of it - he is probably paying support. Maybe through the nose.

Don't rent out your house! Get female roommates. Or just one. INTERVIEW carefully. Do not use craigslist. Use a local newspaper and notices on boards in stores, and word of mouth, very locally.

Interviewing for the whole house would be scarier, I think.

If he is on the birth certificate, then go to court for support NOW. In fact then maybe you can keep the house. Do some very deep numbers.