Hey guys,

I've been in a relationship with this girl for more than a year now, and I am still insecure when it comes to her past, both in relationships and sexually.

Sometimes she will say things that remind me that she's been with other guys and it really bothers me, sometimes she doesn't say anything and it really bothers me anyway. Sometimes it's something as small as her necklace, which her ex gave her that she still wears every day.

I know I'm being selfish about this, I would never tell her to not wear her necklace just because her ex gave it to her...

I know this has developed because of my insecurities, and lack of love for myself, or maybe issues stemming from my past relationships.


BUT, I would like to get to the point where I can hear about her ex's and not get upset or jealous, or worry that I'm not good enough

Her ex's are none of your business and the two of you have no business discussing them. They are in her past. Let them stay in her past.

That's fine, but I see a future with this girl, we both see a future together. How can I have that kind of commitment with someone without knowing everything about them.

Also, I would love to never hear anything about them, but they often come up when we're with friends or other people

Her past is just that. Hers and hers alone. My current husband only knows the name of my ex husband, and has met him only once. I've never met his ex wife, nor do I care to. What happened before your relationship is not important to the relationship.

How is knowing about her past going to enhance what the two of you have going? It's not.

Why do you feel it's important to know everything about her past relationships?

I don't feel it's important to know anything about her past relationships, in fact I would prefer to know nothing... but I have this insecurity that I am not good enough, or someone in her past was better, and she's settling for me

That's all on you then. It has nothing to do with her.

She is with you for a reason. It has nothing to do with her past.

You to need to work on your own insecurities without bringing up her past as it has nothing to do with you.

You can't have a healthy relationship if one partner is insecure. You must be secure with yourself and your relationship to be a happy healthy couple. Without that, it will never work.

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

How can I have that kind of commitment with someone without knowing everything about them.

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There are some things best left private.

Exactly,

This is on me... I plan on fixing myself, I'm not blaming her, I was explaining what brought about these feelings.


How do I go about fixing these problems of insecurity myself... without damaging my relationship

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

That's fine, but I see a future with this girl, we both see a future together. How can I have that kind of commitment with someone without knowing everything about them.

Also, I would love to never hear anything about them, but they often come up when we're with friends or other people

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You don't need to. Her history is what made her the woman that she is and the woman that you love, beyond that it has little to no relevance to you. Look at her and the person that she is. She'll be the same person if she reveals that she used to be a cross dressing hooker in Miami to pay for her education. She'll be the same person if she revealed that she had a series of orgies. She'll be the same person if she revealed that she's lapse Mormon hockey player disgraced due to a cross checking death. The point is that the past is the past. There is NOTHING that you can do about it and can change the tapestry that is her life. It has made her the person that she is and you should be happy about that.

Now comes the question as to why YOU are JEALOUS of her history. The common, simple, and applicable reason here is that you're insecure when it comes to the relationship. She's got more experience then you and it makes you unsure and scared that you'll do something wrong that will doom the relationship. First off, each partner and each relationship is different. You can be cassanova with one woman, Ron Jeremy with another, and Goober with the last. It is more the chemistry that you have that makes things good. Remember that they not with her any more. They were drawn, measured, and found wanting. The same may happen to you, but for right now it is a good and happy relationship. Embrace that.

As well how much of this have you communicated with her? I know I had a horrible tendency to do this with my wife before we were married. She sat down and talked to me about it. She explained how it made her feel. I hadn't realized it before hand. I stopped. The one thing you have to remember is that each one of her exes will have a special place in her life. You can't change that, you just need to accept it.

Talk with her. You'll be surprised at how much things can change if she knows how she's making you feel.

Start trusting without expecting explanation. Enjoy every moment with her without questioning her. Understand that she is with you because she cares about you and that there are no ulterior motives.

I'll give you an example...

My son was leaving for Iraq. We all got together to bid him farewell. At the dinner table in the restaurant my ex husband sat next to me. In the hotel that night my daughter (with my current husband) said "well, that was awkward." My husband asked "how so?" She replied that it was awkward that I sat next to my ex (the father of my son going to Iraq), while my current husband and children sat at the other end of the table. My husband explained to my daughter that my ex and I had a bond with the son going to Iraq and it was right that we spend that time together as a pseudo family. The family that we once were. Besides, I went back to the hotel room with my current husband. Not my ex.

Insecurity weakens a bond, while security strengthens it.

I've never really though about how bringing up my insecurities with our relationship would make her feel.
If I sit in her shoes it would feel like to hear that the girl I've been dating doesn't think she's the best I've had... but it would give me the opportunity to prove to her that there;s no one I'd rather be with and no one I care about even remotely as much as her.

You don't bring up your insecurities to her. They are not her problems, but yours, and yours to work out on your own.

Your demons are yours to fight. Don't involve her if you don't want to loose her. We women aren't attracted to needy men. We want a real man who can trust us, love us, and respect us.

I'm guessing you are about 19. Am I correct?

Haha not quite 19... 25

I don't want to burden her with any of my problems. I want to fix them myself

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

it would give me the opportunity to prove to her that there;s no one I'd rather be with and no one I care about even remotely as much as her.

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And, before I go to bed (I work all night), you should never EVER have to prove anything to any one. They accept you as you are or they move on. Never expect to change someone to meet your expectations and never try to change yourself into something that you are not.

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

Haha not quite 19... 25

I don't want to burden her with any of my problems. I want to fix them myself

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At 25 you can't be an angel yourself. What advice would you give a girl if she were posting this? Just turn the tables for a minute. How would you advise a woman if she were insecure about her boyfriend's past? It's all about introspection.

Honestly if a girl were asking this I would initially tell her to just get over it, what's done is done, they're the reason she's here with you now.

And that is honestly what gets me through when it starts bothering me... every little thing has some impact on why she's here with me and not somewhere else... even things that seem inconsequential.

So really there;s no reason for me to be insecure, or upset or mad about anything

My man, you already have a plan, and strategy to deal with your feelings, and it seems to work for you.

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Honestly if a girl were asking this I would initially tell her to just get over it, what's done is done, they're the reason she's here with you now.

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You just need to keep practicing it until its automatic, and there will be no need to DWELL on the feelings that always will come to the surface from time to time.

Just as you are hopeful of a future with this female, which is thrilling and exciting, so too will there be times when the negative feelings will be around also. It's natural because no one feels great all the time, it goes back and forth through the whole gamut of feelings all the time. That's just the cycle of human emotions we humans are subject to.

The point is in how YOU deal with your feelings, be they good, or bad. Just remember you have only been together a year, and much more to learn and experience together and no doubt if it lasts then you will grow MORE secure through MORE experience by learning more about her, and YOURSELF.

Trust me, in another year her necklace or what others say, or whatever else life throws at you won't freak you out nearly as much as it does now, because you will be more experienced and secure in how you deal with it. Just keep working on making yourself better. Appreciate what you have at all times, even on a bad day.

You're right...
I just need to stop bringing it up in my head, and dwelling on it.

I know and am a firm believer of everything she's done in the past led her my way, sort of a butterfly effect twist on a Robert Frost poem.

My problem is that I do dwell on it. Whenever I want to do something special for her, for some reason I focus on whether someone else has done that for her before, or if she's experienced that before, rather than focusing on enjoying my time with her.

The key is what you choose to focus on. Focus on doing your thing and enjoying, and APPRECIATING what you have now, WHILE YOU HAVE IT, and not those feeling that cause distracting, undo DRAMA in your life.

So I've been with the same girl for 16 months now... we have/had wonderful sex.
All of the sudden this crippling self doubt has made it impossible for me to enjoy sex.

The most recent experience was a few days ago. We ate dinner, and sat around with the dog for a few hours. It was then time to go to the gym. When I was about to get up to go, she stopped and said, "I don't want to go to the gym, can we just have sex instead?" I know this is almost what every man wants to hear, but I didn't want to hear it. I reluctantly said yes. I tried to move her from our normal couch sex position, but she wasn't having it. At this point I'm stressed and the anxiety is starting to come in... I get undressed and the self doubt takes over, I immediately think that I'm not big enough for her so she won't enjoy it (I'm the biggest she's had, and we've been sleeping together for a long time, there's no reason to have this doubt). Even though logically this doesn't make sense I can't stop it. Then I think, I won't last long anyway so why's it matter. (again she doesn't and has never complained).

I try to tease her a bit, and try some foreplay but she wasn't having it. She got the lube out and told me to her. (again, what every guy wants to hear, not me). I'm trying to go slowly so I can last longer, but she yells at me, asking for it harder. So I listen, and maybe 40 seconds later.

The entire time it felt like I wasn't present, I wasn't having sex with the girl I love and care more about than anything in the world. She scratched my back during, and I felt it and said, "oh she's scratching my back again" getting no pleasure out of her pleasure like I normally do.

Afterwords I sat on the couch, visibly just angry at myself. She asked what was wrong and I told her it was because I didn't last very long. (whether this was the reason I was mad or not I don't know). She re-assured me that it was awesome, and in fact she loves when I that early. Even with all of this reassurance I still can't get out of my head about it.

In fact, there's nothing I want more than to bring my animal instincts out, look her straight in the eyes, and her brains out, but right now, I don't think I'm capable of that.

Time for you to realize that at your age 95% of the girls you will date have a sexual history. So if you allow this to cripple you to the point where you ruin the relationship, well then you might as well become a monk.

Instead of inappropriately dwelling on her past try to be unselfish and concentrate on her qualities that has helped the relationship last 16 months. Otherwise let her get on with her life. She doesn't deserve being judged for being a normal female.

I said this to you before. Each sexual partner you have is going to be different for you. The two best lovers in the world could meet, not click, and have a horrible sexual experience. Two average vanilla people could click just right and have fire works go off.

This problem comes on the female time as well, that they're not as competent as the man's previous lovers. This isn't unique to you, a particular sex, or sex as a whole. Athletes get performance anxiety, so do musicians, artists, programmers, or pretty much everyone. I think in one form or another everyone grapples with this problem. When it happens during sex it is much worse because it hits an inner part of your being that you can't really ask advice about easily.

This is all fine and good, but how can you figure this out and be a better person for it? I fence in the traditional Destreza and I have had my fair share of teachers for it. There was a particular one that got my attention with his advice, "Give yourself permission to suck." When you do that you abandon your embarrassment and just work on getting better. Sure you suck today, and you will suck less tomorrow, and in a year you'll suck significantly less then you do today.
1). Give yourself permission to suck.
2). QUIT ignoring what she is telling you. Listen to what she says. Especially when she's talking about your performance. She's not just blowing smoke.
3). Realize that the encounter doesn't end when your orgasm, or when she does. It can go on, and she can still have a heck of a time once you orgasm.
4). Sex doesn't need to end WITH an orgasm. That one blows your mind a little? Sex is all about intimacy and making a connection. It can just be cuddling and some heavy petting.
5). When you start getting into your anxiety mode concentrate on something different. Don't let it consume you at that moment. Might be the time to switch positions, or switch things up.

Good luck.

Still have not learned how to deal with your own thoughts, and feelings yet huh? That has to be frustrating for you, and her.

You are letting the past keep you stuck. That has to be even more frustrating.

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

The most recent experience was a few days ago. We ate dinner, and sat around with the dog for a few hours. It was then time to go to the gym. When I was about to get up to go, she stopped and said, "I don't want to go to the gym, can we just have sex instead?" I know this is almost what every man wants to hear, but I didn't want to hear it. I reluctantly said yes. I tried to move her from our normal couch sex position, but she wasn't having it. At this point I'm stressed and the anxiety is starting to come in...

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Frankly, what you are describing sounds like her using you as a means to get off. If that is how your sex life is going these days it is no wonder you are having issues. Does she normally treat you like a masturbatory aid?

What other people want to hear doesn't matter. What do you want to hear? How do you want sexual/intimate relations to go? Have you tried telling her what you are in the mood for?

Flip side of the coin, have you been using the gym or other activities to hide from intimate moments or sexual activity? If you have been, why? Doubts about yourself or has the act become too scripted? Perhaps talking about trying new or different things might help you feel more in control and less like a toy.

Start putting your self-doubts aside by being honest if you aren't in the mood or if you want to try a different/place position.

Sit down with her when sex and/or intimacy isn't expected and talk to each about likes, dislikes, needs, wants, etc. Try to work together instead of closing yourself off with very negative thoughts. Damaging yourself, mentally and/or emotionally, ends up doing damage to her and the relationship.

The chain from her ex would get me pissed too
A discussion between the two is what you need to do
When she wants you to poke, say you need to talk
Let her know it is serious if she doesn't want you to walk

Be sweet and be respectful but have it your way
This isn't burger king but you're the man today
These issues are mostly in your head
Handle these quickly or your relationship is dead

Titanic may have sunk by the iceberg's tip
But you don't want your relation to be that ship
sex is used to build joy, love and pleasure
free your pain and enjoy your treasure

You will be fine. Yes, you will be fine!
I hope you are reading this line by line
The past should not be brought up at all
It was my first rule with my girl on a call

I wish you luck and leave it all behind.
Have a talk and happiness you shall find.